Almost every Sunday there is something in the sermon that speaks to me, even though I am not Christian. Today, the minister posed the question: Is there a place in your life where God is knocking on the door, a place where you feel stuck or broken? And I realized that the answer is "yes". The part of me that knows I will never have a place, even a tiny one, in the "world of singers" here in New York (which for me is "the world" as I have never lived anywhere else and would not know how to). That does not mean, however, that there is no place for me to sing. For a long time I have felt a calling to work with the elderly. Not now really, because I am involved in taking care of my partner. So beyond singing in senior venues there really is nothing I need to be doing. But if I outlive her (which I most likely will) I will want something to do, and volunteering to work with the elderly (I imagine this as being one on one; singing to them, particularly, not for applause but to give them their favorite songs, but also talking with them, listening to their stories, and just being with them) will be that something. It will never fill the hole in my heart that will be there forever when my angel is gone and it will not buy me the respect of "the Forum crowd" but it will fill my soul.
God is knocking on my door here. I know this.
The question is, will I listen. Is S/he knocking loud enough to drown out all the self-promotion of the hordes of people who have come here to "make it" in the performing arts, who make me feel so irrelevant and envious?
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