One of my idols, a real opera singer, is Cindy who writes the blog "The Next Hundred Pounds". This is primarily about her journey with weight, health, and fitness, but interestingly, although I started reading the blog to get vicarious pleasure from following a real working singer's life (I think until God invented the Internet I only knew about two types of singers - Met stars and talented amateurs like me and the people I sang with decades ago in the "Opera Underground"), I also find it inspirational in an unusual way. Cindy's journey with fitness is not all that different from my journey with singing. Work hard, things improve, then suddenly there's a setback. And you can either take the setback to heart and give up (she doesn't), or pick yourself up and start over.
Like Cindy, I am not a fan of New Year's Resolutions. As someone in AA, I know we only have "one day at a time" and that, if things are going particularly badly, we can start our day over.
This year I went into the New Year in a funk. This has been one of my hardest years. It was my first year in over three decades not working in an office (which makes me deliriously happy) on the other hand it was my first year in three decades without a regular paycheck. As I am blessed to get health insurance from my last employer (who considers me "retired") I decided to set myself up as a freelance copyeditor. It took about 10 months to get enough clients to support myself, and right as things were starting to take off my mother died. She was 94, and died in peace, but when someone first is in hospice, and then has died, there is a lot to do, and suddenly I found myself in a family crisis with no paid leave.
As for singing, despite my singing better and better, it has been borne in on me that I am so far down the food chain that there is really no climbing to be done. Which means, other than singing in this no-pay choir, where I get to be a soloist every few months, I can't look for any validation from outside. No one is going to "hire" me, even for no money. No matter how well I sing, there are always other people who are younger, can read music (yes, yes, I should teach myself to do that, I know), understand music theory, and have something to put on a resume besides self-produced concerts and performances with 30 year old opera companies that are now considered a joke.
My one experience "passing" an audition, where I ended up being the oldest person with the smallest role, where I came totally prepared and had my what? three pages of singing ripped to shreds and given conflicting instructions that made no sense? left me really scarred. I don't want something like that to happen again, certainly not after throwing down $400 for tickets I will never sell. (When I mentioned this to my therapist she said, well, these things happen. Suppose you spent that much on a vacation and something went terribly wrong and it was a nightmare?)
I deliberately didn't make any New Year's resolutions because I didn't know what kind to make. I already practice at least a half hour every day and probably spend three hours a week working on music (I have two Bach arias for choir solos, one new, that I'm working on, as well as the Amneris/Aida duet that someone might sing with me in a class). I go to Pilates, mostly to reverse my spinal stenosis, but don't think that I don't love how all those roll ups have given me abs of steel that help me sing better.
But I just don't have the heart to plan anything. I think my teacher's malaise is certainly a factor as well. Not that he isn't the best teacher on the planet. Just when I feel I've hit a plateau (like I did with my upper register) he comes up with a new exercise for me. But I mean his malaise about his own singing. That certainly doesn't help me pick myself up and start planning something.
I have really just felt like hibernating: sitting at my computer and working (which I'm just about to start doing) and spending evenings in front of the tv. And weekends with my partner, who is now mostly housebound.
So as Cindy so humorously said in this post how do I "divorce my buttocks from the couch" (or my recumbent body from the bed) and get my groove back?
Maybe I need to stop looking for validation from an outside source. So OK, my mother wasn't interested in my singing, she wanted me to be a writer. My partner and her friends wanted me to sing something "womyn centered" and not give my energy to a "patriarchal art form" like opera. No one "out there" cares about a 60-year-old who is just on the verge of having the kind of secure vocal technique that she can apply to a role like Amneris. (Too bad there isn't a tv program called "America's Seniors Got Talent". I do think I might have a shot at being a grandma Paul Potts)
I keep thinking that my new blog title will inspire me with something but so far, nada.
On the other hand, I can't give up now. I stopped singing for 23 years and have spent the past 6 regretting it. If I give up at 60 I will be toast.
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