I Feel it All Slipping Away

I probably shouldn't be writing anything, but I am feeling at an all-time low. I don't divulge all, as I did for years in my pseudonymous blog, but this is the place I want to put my (carefully edited) self, so that I can be "known". Tomorrow morning I am going with my partner to look at an assisted living facility. If she can get on the waiting list there, things will be moving in the right direction and maybe I can have my life back. I am feeling so much despair now, because when I began singing again at 54 I hungered to give it my all, however paltry that was, but it seems that even that is constantly waylaid and diverted and told to shut up, that something else is more important. First it was the hated job, that provided benefits and financial security, then it was my mother's dying, now it's my partner's physical, mental, and situational decline. And behind those things is my need to earn a living. It's so much better now that I can do good honest work at home, and then go forth and "be" whoever I say I am. But it still has to supersede any non-income-generating activities, so after family and work, there is no time for art. If I were 20 years younger, I would call this a necessary break, but I can't have a break of any kind at 60 or I will never have back even the tiny crumbs that I've scraped together.

Here is my list of current frustrations, that I will throw out to the universe (I actually got a commenter recently, and I see that my last post got 14 hits). So who knows? Maybe someone will answer.

1.The dreaded measure in the Introit with the high A. (I am simply not singing measures 41 and 48 in the Kyrie.) Whatever I do, it doesn't work, despite having an excellent run with this at my lesson. My current plan is just to hum it with my mouth closed. I was pleasantly surprised to notice that I can hum up to a high A, but only if I don't sing the preceding measures in my "real" voice. So what's the point? Why can't I just sing the parts that I sing well and skip that measure?

2.My range in general. I have never wanted plastic surgery - a facelift or a tummy tuck - but if only someone could move my larynx up an inch or two closer to my jaw, I could gain a few notes. I mean the stretch just isn't there.

3.My paucity of photos. There's a mezzo with a minor career, whom I came in contact with through pseudonymous blogging, who is "who I wish I were". She recently posted a spate of photos on Facebook. No, I don't think she's better looking than I am, but she has the money/friends/skills/encouragement to get numerous photos of herself in luscious outfits. No one takes my picture because I'm not important in that way. I spent $300 on head shots about 4 years ago but I certainly couldn't justify spending that kind of money now and anyhow, what would they be for?

4.The fact that I feel myself falling farther down the food chain, even in this avocational choir. I have a limited range, and no one cares about the women with lower voices anyhow. We're not for show, just for utility. Not to mention that many of the younger people are off performing here, there, and yonder. So OK. I've accepted that no one is going to "hire" me to do anything, even for no money, but now I don't even have the time or energy to "make my own opportunities". And again, no one is interested enough to nag me. All people care about are my family problems and my work issues.

I just feel so much despair, being trapped in a life filled with the problems of a 60-year-old, when what I need to be doing is flaunting my inner 40-year-old and focusing on my diva-hood. It really, really, really bothers me that no one notices or cares about this but me. I mean my music blogging neighbor (I added myself as a "follower" to his blog but have no idea if he noticed, or reads this one) never mentions my singing even though he must hear me practice every day - all we talk about are family, freelancing, and dogs.