Because this has been an ongoing theme in my life since I began seriously singing in my 20s, I knew I had made a post on this subject earlier so I went back and re-read it. Many things have happened in the past 11 months: my mother has died, we are on a path toward moving my partner into an assisted living facility, and one of the two auditions I mentioned led to my being cast in a small role, spending $400 on tickets, only to be tortured and bullied by a conductor and deciding I wanted "out" - so badly, in fact, that I didn't even bother to ask for my money back, but just took it as a tax deduction.
Before my mother died, I had been going from time to time to group coaching sessions. I was always the oldest person there, and with the least experience, although compared to some people who showed up, I was often better prepared. I simply didn't have the heart for this for several months (or I was too busy), but on a whim I decided to sign up for one for this afternoon. I didn't plan on singing any opera. I am too stressed out at the moment to sing "Condotta" in public, which is what would be next on the agenda for me (I have already sung "Acerba Volutta", "Stella del Marinar", "O Mio Fernando", Fenena's short aria from Nabucco, and Dido's Lament there, as well as a few pieces of church music.) So I decided to bring "Liber Scriptus" from the Verdi Requiem and "Fac ut Portem" from the Rossini Stabat Mater. (The fact that it's Lent also gave me an excuse to beg off opera.)
Well, my partner gave me this long lecture about why my doing this sort of thing is stupid: I feel bad that other people are younger and better (true), it's a waste of money (not true - these things cost about $15 or $20), and basically she implied that this whole thing is a "fantasy". She said "you sing in a choir and do some solos". Isn't that enough? No. Because, for example, I can't sing a piece like "Liber Scriptus" in that setting.
I spent my whole last therapy session crying about the fact that I have stopped making plans to sing anything other than choir solos. I just feel I can't afford it either monetarily, or in view of my living in a constant family crisis. I know no one is going to "hire" me to do anything, but I also know that if I wheel and deal, I can plan something myself and carry it off well enough to give people an enjoyable afternoon of opera and myself a diva platform which is something I am starved for. But this involves making this particular thing, and the date that it's scheduled for, and the dates that rehearsals are scheduled for, the most important thing in my life (as I'm freelancing now I can always work - if I managed to plan concerts when I had a full-time job I can certainly plan concerts when I'm working at home on my laptop!). And how can I do that when my partner is in a constant state of crisis and she resents the small amount of money I spend on an ad hoc two hours of coaching?
What's holding me back isn't lack of talent or lack of a good teacher or even my age, so much as getting no support from anyone. I know this sounds whiney, and if I were twenty years younger I could just divorce the unsupportive spouse and move on, but I can't do that now.
I don't know why my partner hates the whole idea of my singing opera. I used to think it was because she thought I would meet straight men who found me attractive (or vice versa) but there were plenty of straight men at the career coaching group I went to and she never said anything about it. I think she had an agenda for me and singing was never on it. She wanted me to be a "professional woman" who dressed like the women who show up on tv newscasts in suits. It's similar to how (after we outgrew the whole politically correct Lesbian in jeans thing) she was always steering me toward conservative suits that were two sizes too big, and telling me to cut my hair. That's just not me! If I can't be a real diva I'll be a bathroom diva but I'll be blowed if I'm even going to go do the laundry without makeup on and believe me - I never buy anything that says it's supposed to look "natural" because I don't do "natural".
I thought I sang well enough at the group coaching. I mean I have no future, so the agent husband of the woman who runs it (who is very nice and can sing anything) thought a good time to take a bathroom break was when I was singing, but the woman herself admired my pianissimo high E (well for a mezzo it's a "high" E) in "Fac ut Portem" and one of the men said I had "big high notes" after hearing "Liber Scriptus".
But having no support team just makes me sad. I mean my teacher is good to do some quarterbacking with, but as I've said in the past, he's a voice teacher, not a mentor.
It also makes me angry. I have tried to be forebearing with my partner. I love her, and I feel sad that she is in such physical and mental decline, and I want her in a better living situation. I am even resigned to the fact that I spend "leisure time" doing her chores not going to movies and museums like other healthy women my age. But when she blows off my singing, my heart turns to ice.
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