The Battle of the B Flat

I'm sitting here basically just wanting to burst into tears. No matter how hard I work, how many new things I think I have learned, no matter how many suggestions I get about how to breathe, how to stand, what vowel to imagine I'm singing, what to do with my mouth, whether to think up, down, backwards, or sideways, I just can't sing reliably above an A natural.

Part of it is fear. If there's a phrase with anything higher than an A in it (or if there's an A in a choir piece that I'm supposed to sing softly - but that's another problem and it's probably a challenge I shouldn't be tackling) I have so many bad memories of failure that I panic, I freeze, I balk, and then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Added to that that my voice is just very coarse. I can't think of any other word for it. People say I sound "lovely" when I sing church music that doesn't go above an F or an F sharp, but when I sing above that it's, well, it's loud. Which is fine for most of the rep I sing but I just can't carry that high enough. I can on a good day. So what does a good day mean? No pollen in the air? No talking? I just don't know.

A few days ago I picked up "Condotta" and sailed through it, B flat and all.

But yesterday all I could come up with was a scream (and not a theatrical one either, but one that really sounded like I was ripping my throat out - which I probably wasn't, as I sounded a little better on the 8th or the 9th try, and the same thing happened today.)

But what's so disheartening is that whatever new thing I think I've hit upon works for a few days, and then it disappears. And I can't figure out what the problem is.

Overall, I know I sound better than I did several years ago. I don't have a break in my voice above middle C (although the one place I can't sing loud is on an E or an F above middle C), I have more "head" in my sound, and I have a lot more stamina (it's been several years since the sides of my neck have gotten tired, for example).

But my fear over that note is now spoiling all my enjoyment of anticipating this concert. All the other numbers are fun.

I just feel so like a big nothing. I just read that the woman who runs one of those group coaching classes got a big role with one of the small companies that turned me down point blank because I was too old.

And I don't know that I will ever get over how I was treated by the conductor of Carmelites. What the bloody hell did he want? I have no idea.

So will working on this phrase over and over and over yield anything?

My warmups sound better. I can now open my mouth and scream on a high C without singing any note before it. Of course to do that I take several deep breaths, jump up and down a few times, and just go for it, saying it's only an exercise.

And why am I so sensitive to things that other people aren't? Like not eating enough protein or missing an hour of sleep or talking too much (that's the biggie - I just can't do anything with my bloody speaking voice which is a cross between Lauren Bacall and Bella Abzug - I certainly don't sound like a singer.)

At least when I told my partner about the concert date and walked over to the wall and wrote it on the calendar she didn't kick up a ruckus. But she's not supportive either.