First, an update. I got all the files back from the engineer. The ones without reverb sound much better however there is an echo-ish sound to the ones recorded the second day, because the engineer did something different, which he thought would make things sound better, but didn't. I would say that other than the Nabucco aria, all the files reflect my singing at its more or less best right now. I will decide when the engineer gets back whether I want to "produce" a CD to sell at the church, or only to distribute to friends (I will not include the Nabucoo aria). If I do the latter I will not spend money on packaging.
I think I may have to wait another year to do this Verdi Requiem. I now only have two months and my teacher and the soprano who sang at my concert now are not available as a result of musical and nonmusical commitments.
The good news is that the pastor said I can use the church for free, which I assume is an open invitation, not time limited.
I tried two people, one a tenor the other a soprano and the tenor said no thank you and the soprano I think is looking for something at a higher level. If I can't get three people and a pianist by Friday I think I will officially postpone it until next year and start planning in the Fall.
Also, I got a nice letter from the person I auditioned for earlier in the month saying he would keep my resume on file. They seem like nice people to work with and I am more comfortable with people my own age.
Finally to the subject of this post.
I realized that there is a type of feedback that I want that I am not getting, and really it has to do with the same issue I brought up in this post.
I realize I don't really need all that much feedback about my singing. I get that from my teacher, sometimes from accompanists, and, in a different context, from the choir director.
The feedback I desperately want and have not gotten is where would be a good place either for me to sing (it can be bloody anywhere as long as I can sing classical music and don't have to pay more than $25 a pop) or to meet people. My therapist was the one who suggested meetups, but when I went everyone was at a much higher level (not to mention much younger) so I was not comfortable.
One helpful suggestion I got a long time ago (I only just now remembered it) was several years ago, when I had just left the Unitarian church and The Mentor, a woman I met online said that I should join a small community chorus that sang classical music. If I did that, then A I would be one of the better singers and would probably get solo opportunities and B I could just sit and quietly work on my vocal technical issues in the course of whatever music we were working on.
So that is more or less what I have done with this church choir. The music is suited to classical voices, the choir is small enough that, yes, it matters if I'm there or not, I would definitely say I am one of the better singers with more training, which is a morale booster, I get solo opportunities, and I can work on technique as things arise (not to mention that I have been forced to develop a better pianissimo high A flat than most dramatic mezzos, even a lot of professionals). And there are a lot of social and spiritual fringe benefits.
I find it hard to believe that in a city as big as this one there aren't some older adults with big operatic voices that they began training late, who will never be professionals or even, apparently, good enough to get cast in most of the amateur productions in the city (these people used to get cast in leading roles in the small companies in the 70s) but who can slog their way through some operatic arias and scenes and even do some nice singing, and would like the opportunity to do so.
Or I just want someone to invite me to do something which is why I don't like frequenting places where I'm in the 15th or the 20th percentile in terms of skill. It's not ego, really.
ETA: I think a lot of this problem would be solved if I could even find one!!! person with similar demographics (older, still working on technique, hungry not burned out) who would be my support buddy. I really feel all alone with this most of the time, which is a major part of my problem, particularly in terms of how I feel. If I had a buddy who could go with me to these meetups, for example, we could be each other's cheering section. The other people there are all talking to each other about auditions and agents etc. so if I had someone to go with we could talk about whether a particular note or phrase sounded better than it did last time, or whatever, and I know I would be less nervous that I was when I went there and basically might as well have been by myself in a vacuum.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
A Wise Man Speaks Again
I am sitting here drained and exhausted, but I want to write about how much I love my voice teacher. He emailed me back this morning to say that he thought the new mp3 file of "O Mio Fernando" was "quite good", not just that I sounded better than I had two years ago, which he said a propos of all the files.
He said my highest notes are still not "what they should be" but that they are much better. He said that the problem with those notes and even ones a little below (e.g., an F) is that I don't yet know how to make enough "space" in the back of my throat. He said there are muscles that keep the larynx down, the pharynx open, and the palate raised that are much harder to train in an older person. He said when I sang in the 70s I didn't really have the correct position - that I sang falsetto a lot of the time. He said, unlike abdominal muscles (which are also used for singing) these muscles in the throat, etc. are not used in that way except when singing so in most people they are weak. He said some singers use those muscles when they speak in the same way they do when they sing (the stereotypical "opera singer speaking voice") but that I don't. I remember having a "discussion" online with a respected coach about how it is important to keep that kind of space when speaking but of course it is hard to remember to do that!
He said I should not post sound files "in the blogosphere" because a lot of "knownothings" then feel free to make all kinds of comments. (I will keep "Amour Viens Aider" on my profile here until I find something better). If someone reading this blog wants to take a listen to something I will email them a file from the file sharing site.
I am also heartened that a nice commenter, LiSop, wrote and said some nice things about my singing. I know my singing is not perfect and that there are flaws that need to be fixed. But neither is it so dreadful that there is nothing nice anyone can say first, prior to making some critical comments afterwards which, as I explained in this post is how one does things.
At my lesson we worked on the Verdi Requiem. I sang through Liber Scriptus and now have decided that it is better not to take a breath before the word "judicetur" on the high A flat. I really don't need one and the note is more in line if I don't.
Then we began work on the beautiful "Lux Aeterna". If I can't use the church for free on a Saturday afternoon in March I will see if at least I can find two people to sing that trio with during Holy Week.
I really hope I can do this, though (it means getting three other people, and learning the music) because it would be a magnificent program during Lent and would serve numerous purposes.
Now I am getting into bed and watching a rerun of a Miss Marple mystery. I am just exhausted.
He said my highest notes are still not "what they should be" but that they are much better. He said that the problem with those notes and even ones a little below (e.g., an F) is that I don't yet know how to make enough "space" in the back of my throat. He said there are muscles that keep the larynx down, the pharynx open, and the palate raised that are much harder to train in an older person. He said when I sang in the 70s I didn't really have the correct position - that I sang falsetto a lot of the time. He said, unlike abdominal muscles (which are also used for singing) these muscles in the throat, etc. are not used in that way except when singing so in most people they are weak. He said some singers use those muscles when they speak in the same way they do when they sing (the stereotypical "opera singer speaking voice") but that I don't. I remember having a "discussion" online with a respected coach about how it is important to keep that kind of space when speaking but of course it is hard to remember to do that!
He said I should not post sound files "in the blogosphere" because a lot of "knownothings" then feel free to make all kinds of comments. (I will keep "Amour Viens Aider" on my profile here until I find something better). If someone reading this blog wants to take a listen to something I will email them a file from the file sharing site.
I am also heartened that a nice commenter, LiSop, wrote and said some nice things about my singing. I know my singing is not perfect and that there are flaws that need to be fixed. But neither is it so dreadful that there is nothing nice anyone can say first, prior to making some critical comments afterwards which, as I explained in this post is how one does things.
At my lesson we worked on the Verdi Requiem. I sang through Liber Scriptus and now have decided that it is better not to take a breath before the word "judicetur" on the high A flat. I really don't need one and the note is more in line if I don't.
Then we began work on the beautiful "Lux Aeterna". If I can't use the church for free on a Saturday afternoon in March I will see if at least I can find two people to sing that trio with during Holy Week.
I really hope I can do this, though (it means getting three other people, and learning the music) because it would be a magnificent program during Lent and would serve numerous purposes.
Now I am getting into bed and watching a rerun of a Miss Marple mystery. I am just exhausted.
Constructive Criticism
I realize in the last two posts I said what constructive criticism is not but I realize I did not really say what it is.
Before I was a stay-at-home freelance copyeditor I had a job in an office where I supervised, at one point, as many as 20 people. I attended numerous sessions on how to conduct a performance evaluation. I conducted probably over 100 performance evaluations.
Here's an example of constructive criticism.
1.Always start with something positive. You do A and B really really well.
2.Tell the person what they need to work on. You seem to be having difficulty with G and H.
3.Give them a concrete suggestion. You might have less trouble with G if you tried[fillintheblank].
4.Never go global. You really can't do this job at all, can you.
5.And never ever be so arrogant as to presume you know how hard the person is working or trying.
6.Leave the person feeling encouraged. If you were able to master A and B in a few years, I think if you focus on G and H with a few routines these things can get ironed out.
7.And for bonus pointsI really admire how dedicated you are. Learning is a process.
Before I was a stay-at-home freelance copyeditor I had a job in an office where I supervised, at one point, as many as 20 people. I attended numerous sessions on how to conduct a performance evaluation. I conducted probably over 100 performance evaluations.
Here's an example of constructive criticism.
1.Always start with something positive. You do A and B really really well.
2.Tell the person what they need to work on. You seem to be having difficulty with G and H.
3.Give them a concrete suggestion. You might have less trouble with G if you tried[fillintheblank].
4.Never go global. You really can't do this job at all, can you.
5.And never ever be so arrogant as to presume you know how hard the person is working or trying.
6.Leave the person feeling encouraged. If you were able to master A and B in a few years, I think if you focus on G and H with a few routines these things can get ironed out.
7.And for bonus pointsI really admire how dedicated you are. Learning is a process.
If You're a New Reader
I don't want the first post you read to be that tirade I wrote this afternoon.
After serious thought, however, I am letting it stand.
This woman did a lot of damage and I hope she reads what I had to say about her (I also deleted every single comment she ever made).
On the other hand, I need to move on.
The time stamp on this blog is all dodgy, so for the record, it's 3:25 am in New York. Not a time I'm usually up unless I am unable to sleep. Usually if I can't sleep I toss and turn, or try to visualize things that will help me sleep, but I realized in this situation it is hopeless.
I have had a lot of losses lately, on top of the endless grief that I feel for getting older (yes, I know I know, I'm grateful I don't have cancer, have my eyesight, have two legs, etc.) and realizing that there are dreams I will never achieve.
I did not need someone who does not know me, and who has not watched me and listened to me progress over the past seven years, tear me to shreds and wipe me off the face of the earth.
I don't mean that I don't want constructive criticism. But constructive criticism is not: your voice is nasal and wobbly (the latter certainly is not true - the former perhaps if I don't make a proper "space", which for me is made harder by the fact that my sinuses are always clogged up) I'll bet you don't practice enough, and by the way, you should stop singing and just work on technique.
The latter would be a fine suggestion if I were under 35 and a reputable coach or teacher told me to do that because doing so would help me be in the running for the big leagues.
But what would that give me now, other than another roadblock between me and some exhilarating pleasure - something I have so little of? I mean it's not an "either" "or". I can work on technique and continue to have fun singing the arias that are a part of my soul, sometimes in public dressed to the nines. What is forestalling the total sensual involvement I get from that going to give me in the long run that is so worth the waiting for?
But there are no words to encompass the rage I feel at her having had the unmitigated gall to say that she thinks I "don't practice enough" . The "B" word that probably shocked some of my churchgoing friends if they read this doesn't even begin to cover it.
Over the past 7 years, does she have any idea of the hours I have put in in "the practice room" (usually my bathroom)? I have practiced when I didn't want to, instead of socializing, instead of cleaning, instead of doing enough work to support myself often? I have spent money on lessons and coachings and music, and ancillary costs of the charity concerts I've produced for myself instead of on the ordinary pleasures of life. I have made enormous sacrifices.
I have been frustrated and upset, miffed at being ignored, hurt, envious, but I don't think I've ever felt as totally demolished as this.
I wish I could shake it off.
After I shut down my computer at 6:30, before going off to choir practice, I went in the bathroom, and yes, I sang exercises for 15 minutes and when I got there I watched every note that came out of my mouth (I am there as a discipline - I am not getting paid nor am I a Baptised Christian) felt good about how much easier it was to sing a scale going up to a high A flat, holding a "high" F for several measures and letting it spin.
I was looking forward to my lesson tomorrow (which I guess is today). I don't know how I will sound now on so little sleep and I have been crying, but I just have to continue on. I went to an audition and sang well (well - I mean well for me) on two hours sleep so I suppose I can take a lesson on two hours sleep.
I want to find some peace of mind now and go back to sleep.
I was thinking of deleting this blog but then I remembered that I made a real friend here, someone who came in from another city just to hear my little Verdi concert.
I had hoped it would inspire someone, like the movie "Julie and Julia" (I am too exhausted and blinded by crying to be able to look for a way to "link" to it right now - maybe later).
After serious thought, however, I am letting it stand.
This woman did a lot of damage and I hope she reads what I had to say about her (I also deleted every single comment she ever made).
On the other hand, I need to move on.
The time stamp on this blog is all dodgy, so for the record, it's 3:25 am in New York. Not a time I'm usually up unless I am unable to sleep. Usually if I can't sleep I toss and turn, or try to visualize things that will help me sleep, but I realized in this situation it is hopeless.
I have had a lot of losses lately, on top of the endless grief that I feel for getting older (yes, I know I know, I'm grateful I don't have cancer, have my eyesight, have two legs, etc.) and realizing that there are dreams I will never achieve.
I did not need someone who does not know me, and who has not watched me and listened to me progress over the past seven years, tear me to shreds and wipe me off the face of the earth.
I don't mean that I don't want constructive criticism. But constructive criticism is not: your voice is nasal and wobbly (the latter certainly is not true - the former perhaps if I don't make a proper "space", which for me is made harder by the fact that my sinuses are always clogged up) I'll bet you don't practice enough, and by the way, you should stop singing and just work on technique.
The latter would be a fine suggestion if I were under 35 and a reputable coach or teacher told me to do that because doing so would help me be in the running for the big leagues.
But what would that give me now, other than another roadblock between me and some exhilarating pleasure - something I have so little of? I mean it's not an "either" "or". I can work on technique and continue to have fun singing the arias that are a part of my soul, sometimes in public dressed to the nines. What is forestalling the total sensual involvement I get from that going to give me in the long run that is so worth the waiting for?
But there are no words to encompass the rage I feel at her having had the unmitigated gall to say that she thinks I "don't practice enough" . The "B" word that probably shocked some of my churchgoing friends if they read this doesn't even begin to cover it.
Over the past 7 years, does she have any idea of the hours I have put in in "the practice room" (usually my bathroom)? I have practiced when I didn't want to, instead of socializing, instead of cleaning, instead of doing enough work to support myself often? I have spent money on lessons and coachings and music, and ancillary costs of the charity concerts I've produced for myself instead of on the ordinary pleasures of life. I have made enormous sacrifices.
I have been frustrated and upset, miffed at being ignored, hurt, envious, but I don't think I've ever felt as totally demolished as this.
I wish I could shake it off.
After I shut down my computer at 6:30, before going off to choir practice, I went in the bathroom, and yes, I sang exercises for 15 minutes and when I got there I watched every note that came out of my mouth (I am there as a discipline - I am not getting paid nor am I a Baptised Christian) felt good about how much easier it was to sing a scale going up to a high A flat, holding a "high" F for several measures and letting it spin.
I was looking forward to my lesson tomorrow (which I guess is today). I don't know how I will sound now on so little sleep and I have been crying, but I just have to continue on. I went to an audition and sang well (well - I mean well for me) on two hours sleep so I suppose I can take a lesson on two hours sleep.
I want to find some peace of mind now and go back to sleep.
I was thinking of deleting this blog but then I remembered that I made a real friend here, someone who came in from another city just to hear my little Verdi concert.
I had hoped it would inspire someone, like the movie "Julie and Julia" (I am too exhausted and blinded by crying to be able to look for a way to "link" to it right now - maybe later).
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
With Friends Like That Who Needs Enemies
I have deleted all the posts with my links.
Someone I thought was a friend wrote something really nasty (and I mean "nasty" not constructively critical) about my singing. It needs work, yes. Everything is wrong, no. Criticism needs to be judicious (this sounds good, this does not).
Well, I have a voice teacher and a choir director to listen to, which is enough.
And the bitch said I don't practice enough??????
I sing exercises every day for a half hour at least, work on music for two hours three days a week, and take a lesson every two weeks.
And this was the bitch who said I was supposed to enjoy singing????
I'm 61 years old. I'm not taking a year off to sing exercises in my bathroom. It's too late for that.
Boy, this is just what I needed to go off to choir practice after having had two major losses in my life in the past two weeks.
Someone I thought was a friend wrote something really nasty (and I mean "nasty" not constructively critical) about my singing. It needs work, yes. Everything is wrong, no. Criticism needs to be judicious (this sounds good, this does not).
Well, I have a voice teacher and a choir director to listen to, which is enough.
And the bitch said I don't practice enough??????
I sing exercises every day for a half hour at least, work on music for two hours three days a week, and take a lesson every two weeks.
And this was the bitch who said I was supposed to enjoy singing????
I'm 61 years old. I'm not taking a year off to sing exercises in my bathroom. It's too late for that.
Boy, this is just what I needed to go off to choir practice after having had two major losses in my life in the past two weeks.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Starting Over with the Engineer
Just when I had decided to make the best of the recordings and cut my losses, I got an email from the sound engineer saying he is going to try to re-work them. I told him not to do anything with "Amour", because it sounds perfect, but to have another go at the others. He thinks the problem with "Acerba Volutta" is that he added too much "reverb" (I think I know what that is but couldn't tell you if you asked me). It also turns out that the reason the high note in "O Mio Fernando" doesn't sound good is that he sent me the wrong version. That was one of the arias I had sung on the day I wasn't feeling well for which we did not splice in anything, but then I sang the cabaletta over on the second day and the engineer was supposed to splice that in. He said he did, but did not send me that version.
He is going on vacation but should have the new files to me by mid-February. So when I get the new files, I will post any here that I think are good.
Last night I watched and listened to Anna Bolena on PBS. The role of Giovanna Seymour is one that Istruggled and squawked my way through sang with the "opera underground" when I was a quasi-anorexic 28-year-old who was only two years away from her last cigarette. I had actually auditioned to sing Smeaton but that role was given to someone taller with a lower-lying voice. (My voice is not particularly low for a mezzo, it's just "short", either naturally or because I started serious singing late - and by late I'm not talking about starting again at 54 I'm talking about starting in essence for the first time after I quit smoking at 26). I had no business singing that role, but they couldn't find anyone else (that company had a few heavy Verdi mezzos but the director didn't see them in that part either vocally or otherwise). Back then there really were not that many people who wanted to do this kind of performing on an amateur level which is why despite my singing badly I got quite a few opportunities.
Last night's singing was glorious. Anna Netrebko is one of my favorite sopranos. She didn't get the ovation she deserved, probably because she didn't take the stratospheric note at the end that Beverly Sills made her trademark, but her voice is much richer and has more color. And Ekaterina Gubanova as Giovanna displayed a warm, rich voice that sailed effortlessly and smoothly up to a high B and was able to sit there - something that I would cut off a finger to be able to do. (I can hear my teacher saying that she probably is not really a mezzo and that someone like Giulietta Simionato, whose voice is much more like mine, would not be able to do that. She had a great high B, but it was of the spine-tingling scream variety.) This is opera at its grandest. I wish I could take the essence that is grand opera (larger than life, colorful, and full of sex and violence in beautiful surroundings) and find a way to take a tiny drop of it, well distilled, to sprinkle over my oh too mundane life.
In other news, yesterday I emailed the pianist about the opera audition I had been to. He said he thought the roles were cast but they might need a cover. I would be willing to do that as it's only a few blocks away and rehearsals are 2 hours on Saturday, but not if I would also have to sing in the chorus. It's too much music to learn for no money and no "star" time. At least if I'm a cover I would probably get to sing one of the roles in a rehearsal, which would be like getting a free coaching, and at best I might get a performance.
He is going on vacation but should have the new files to me by mid-February. So when I get the new files, I will post any here that I think are good.
Last night I watched and listened to Anna Bolena on PBS. The role of Giovanna Seymour is one that I
Last night's singing was glorious. Anna Netrebko is one of my favorite sopranos. She didn't get the ovation she deserved, probably because she didn't take the stratospheric note at the end that Beverly Sills made her trademark, but her voice is much richer and has more color. And Ekaterina Gubanova as Giovanna displayed a warm, rich voice that sailed effortlessly and smoothly up to a high B and was able to sit there - something that I would cut off a finger to be able to do. (I can hear my teacher saying that she probably is not really a mezzo and that someone like Giulietta Simionato, whose voice is much more like mine, would not be able to do that. She had a great high B, but it was of the spine-tingling scream variety.) This is opera at its grandest. I wish I could take the essence that is grand opera (larger than life, colorful, and full of sex and violence in beautiful surroundings) and find a way to take a tiny drop of it, well distilled, to sprinkle over my oh too mundane life.
In other news, yesterday I emailed the pianist about the opera audition I had been to. He said he thought the roles were cast but they might need a cover. I would be willing to do that as it's only a few blocks away and rehearsals are 2 hours on Saturday, but not if I would also have to sing in the chorus. It's too much music to learn for no money and no "star" time. At least if I'm a cover I would probably get to sing one of the roles in a rehearsal, which would be like getting a free coaching, and at best I might get a performance.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Prelude to Some Links
I got the sound files back from the engineer. Six of them (four of these the ones I made on the day I was not singing well, which required splicing) sounded good. Two from the day I was singing well did not, which really upset me. Whether or not I sing as well as I would like, I can tell by how it feels most of the time if I sound good or I don't. Especially with high notes. Either it spins or it doesn't.
When I asked the engineer if he could make fixes to the ones that did not sound good (in the past, he seemed to offer to make fixes ad infinitum) he wrote me a nasty email saying that there was nothing he could do and that sometimes I don't really sing - I just scream.
Let me make one thing absolutely clear: No one gets away with insulting me that way and stays in my life. Constructive criticism is one thing (e.g., "that didn't sound good, you should do it over for the recording" - which he actually said a few times on the day I wasn't feeling well - or "I don't think that aria is ready to be recorded, why don't you choose something else" which would have been fine too) but an insult that has no counterweight and is not a gateway to a problem-solving process is not acceptable.
I am almost afraid to write any more, because I was feeling depressed. If my "good" singing isn't even good, what's the point?
I think a place to start is to send all the files to my teacher, including the bad ones, and ask him what he thinks.
One thing the engineer did say was that on the second day he had me stand farther away from the mike and that also I was moving around more. The latter is probably true. Although I was feeling good, I was very nervous as a result of how badly I had sung in the first session, and I know moving around keeps my nerves under control and helps me sing better (and looks good onstage - moving during "Condotta" in my concert made the aria come across as exciting and dynamic). So should I have been wearing a body mike? I am not well informed about those things and thought that he was.
So we left it that he would put everything on a CD and then "call it quits". That was my phrase, which could be interpreted two ways: either we wouldn't do any more tweaking with the files that don't sound good, or we would call our relationship quits, at least for a good long time. That's too bad, in that I have known him since I was 14, but he was a friend of my mother's not of mine, really (I mean he is much younger than she was - he's probably in his mid 70s).
Then he wrote back and said he would try to make some improvements to the "bad" files. I hope they sound good enough that I can have a CD with eight arias on it to sell at the church, but if not, I can have six decent mp3 files to post here and there.
Some day I may have to be nothing but a church soloist singing things that never go above an F or a G, but that day is not today. I mean I love church music and I have enormous respect for the church where I sing (which is why I made a donation to them) but I am not Christian, and I am definitely not virtuous! (I am finished with monogamy as a lifstyle for starters, which is not the sort of thing I usually post here, but it exemplifies why I am happier as a Pagan with some Christian edges than I would be considering being Baptised!) And I ain't ready to give up shaking my booty, tearing my hair, chewing up the scenery, and being a drama queen. Which I can't do in a church.
ETA: I removed all the sound links from this blog. Someone made a nasty comment (there's a difference between constructive criticism, which is balanced, and nastiness, which wipes a person out totally) This is a good object lesson that I need to be selective in whom I solicit feedback from. My teacher tells me what does/does not sound good, which is different from basically saying I should throw the baby out with the bathwater.
When I asked the engineer if he could make fixes to the ones that did not sound good (in the past, he seemed to offer to make fixes ad infinitum) he wrote me a nasty email saying that there was nothing he could do and that sometimes I don't really sing - I just scream.
Let me make one thing absolutely clear: No one gets away with insulting me that way and stays in my life. Constructive criticism is one thing (e.g., "that didn't sound good, you should do it over for the recording" - which he actually said a few times on the day I wasn't feeling well - or "I don't think that aria is ready to be recorded, why don't you choose something else" which would have been fine too) but an insult that has no counterweight and is not a gateway to a problem-solving process is not acceptable.
I am almost afraid to write any more, because I was feeling depressed. If my "good" singing isn't even good, what's the point?
I think a place to start is to send all the files to my teacher, including the bad ones, and ask him what he thinks.
One thing the engineer did say was that on the second day he had me stand farther away from the mike and that also I was moving around more. The latter is probably true. Although I was feeling good, I was very nervous as a result of how badly I had sung in the first session, and I know moving around keeps my nerves under control and helps me sing better (and looks good onstage - moving during "Condotta" in my concert made the aria come across as exciting and dynamic). So should I have been wearing a body mike? I am not well informed about those things and thought that he was.
So we left it that he would put everything on a CD and then "call it quits". That was my phrase, which could be interpreted two ways: either we wouldn't do any more tweaking with the files that don't sound good, or we would call our relationship quits, at least for a good long time. That's too bad, in that I have known him since I was 14, but he was a friend of my mother's not of mine, really (I mean he is much younger than she was - he's probably in his mid 70s).
Then he wrote back and said he would try to make some improvements to the "bad" files. I hope they sound good enough that I can have a CD with eight arias on it to sell at the church, but if not, I can have six decent mp3 files to post here and there.
Some day I may have to be nothing but a church soloist singing things that never go above an F or a G, but that day is not today. I mean I love church music and I have enormous respect for the church where I sing (which is why I made a donation to them) but I am not Christian, and I am definitely not virtuous! (I am finished with monogamy as a lifstyle for starters, which is not the sort of thing I usually post here, but it exemplifies why I am happier as a Pagan with some Christian edges than I would be considering being Baptised!) And I ain't ready to give up shaking my booty, tearing my hair, chewing up the scenery, and being a drama queen. Which I can't do in a church.
ETA: I removed all the sound links from this blog. Someone made a nasty comment (there's a difference between constructive criticism, which is balanced, and nastiness, which wipes a person out totally) This is a good object lesson that I need to be selective in whom I solicit feedback from. My teacher tells me what does/does not sound good, which is different from basically saying I should throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
RIP Beloved Chester
Yesterday I had to put our little Dachshund, Chester, to sleep. He was 13 and had been becoming incontinent, as well as having convulsions. We took him to the vet first, for an assessment, and she said he had an enlarged liver which was the source of all these problems, that he was probably in a lot of pain, and that he would keep getting worse.
This is very hard because it comes on the heels of the loss of my cat Branwell, which I wrote about in this post. Now only tiny Charlotte (Bronte) is left.
This is even harder on my partner (who is mostly an "ex" and who lives separately) because the little dog was staying with her and had become her whole world. I had told her that when Chester died I would get her another cat and pay expenses (and take the cat with me if she was in the hospital or a nursing home) but she said her therapist said she should hold off until she moves. I have mixed feelings about that. She desperately needs to move into an assisted living facility or some kind of low-income housing, but most of these do take pets if you just have one cat or a small dog. So I said she could perhaps consider fostering a cat.
For me this is most upsetting as it represents something else lost from my pre-February 15, 2004 life, the life I so wanted an escape from (see here), but which, nonetheless, was my life for several decades.
First I lost my best friend Dora, then my dog sitter, both of whom were connected to me and my partner through our love of pets but both of whom also supported my singing when I began my new life, then my mother (although as she had known me from birth this was different), and then Branwell.
Here are some pictures. The first of Chester on his last day, and another of me and Chester and his dog-sitter.
I am feeling both sad and nostalgic, and rather numb, and not at all like singing, but I need to get ready for choir practice tonight, and then I have a lesson tomorrow. And I am still waiting to hear the outcome of the audition I went to. So until I hear "no" (I plan to contact the pianist the week before rehearsals start if I haven't heard anything) I will continue working on both the mezzo leads in that opera.
This is very hard because it comes on the heels of the loss of my cat Branwell, which I wrote about in this post. Now only tiny Charlotte (Bronte) is left.
This is even harder on my partner (who is mostly an "ex" and who lives separately) because the little dog was staying with her and had become her whole world. I had told her that when Chester died I would get her another cat and pay expenses (and take the cat with me if she was in the hospital or a nursing home) but she said her therapist said she should hold off until she moves. I have mixed feelings about that. She desperately needs to move into an assisted living facility or some kind of low-income housing, but most of these do take pets if you just have one cat or a small dog. So I said she could perhaps consider fostering a cat.
For me this is most upsetting as it represents something else lost from my pre-February 15, 2004 life, the life I so wanted an escape from (see here), but which, nonetheless, was my life for several decades.
First I lost my best friend Dora, then my dog sitter, both of whom were connected to me and my partner through our love of pets but both of whom also supported my singing when I began my new life, then my mother (although as she had known me from birth this was different), and then Branwell.
Here are some pictures. The first of Chester on his last day, and another of me and Chester and his dog-sitter.
I am feeling both sad and nostalgic, and rather numb, and not at all like singing, but I need to get ready for choir practice tonight, and then I have a lesson tomorrow. And I am still waiting to hear the outcome of the audition I went to. So until I hear "no" (I plan to contact the pianist the week before rehearsals start if I haven't heard anything) I will continue working on both the mezzo leads in that opera.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Thumbs Up!
I am up bright an early preferatory to going to my (unpaid) church gig (some days I think of it as an "internship" which BTW one is supposed to take as seriously as a job) and thought I should let everyone know that I did well at my audition.
No one was more surprised than I was, because I had only gotten 3 hours of sleep (I have had issues with waking up in the middle of the night and staying awake for hours, which is something new) and had terrible sinus drainage.
But I just took things a minute at a time yesterday morning and when I went to sing, I sounded really good. I don't know whether this was because of a new practice routine my teacher has given me (scales that go backward and forward - I could write the pattern out if anyone's interested) and less "ooo". Also (perhaps) being tired kept me from being tense, although this is not usually the case.
I also pulled a tarot card (born an atheist with one Jewish parent, I became a Unitarian as an adult and now sing in a Lutheran church and define myself as "a little bit Christian, a little bit Jewish, and a little bit Pagan, so the Pagan part of me sometimes uses tarot) and it was a good one with the basic message being "success". And I went armed with good wishes from my Facebook fiends and amazingly from my partner.
When I got there they said they didn't want to hear one of the arias from the opera (each of the mezzo leads has one) and looked through my book and chose "O Mio Fernando" from La Favorita. I had recently reworked that for my recording, so I was able to sing it off book. I got off to a false start (the opening sounded different with this pianist) but once the recit got in full swing I gave a really good performance and really did well with the cabaletta including the high A at the end.
I don't know if I got cast as anything. I would take either of the mezzo roles. I think they are paying people to sing in the chorus but I will probably pass on that. They couldn't possibly pay me enough to make it worth my while to block out all that rehearsal time. I would rather produce something myself. Really the only choral singing that interests me is singing in this church choir because it's small enough that my being there really matters, particularly if there are two soprano parts.
I don't know how long it will take to hear something. Rehearsals are supposed to start at the end of this month.
No one was more surprised than I was, because I had only gotten 3 hours of sleep (I have had issues with waking up in the middle of the night and staying awake for hours, which is something new) and had terrible sinus drainage.
But I just took things a minute at a time yesterday morning and when I went to sing, I sounded really good. I don't know whether this was because of a new practice routine my teacher has given me (scales that go backward and forward - I could write the pattern out if anyone's interested) and less "ooo". Also (perhaps) being tired kept me from being tense, although this is not usually the case.
I also pulled a tarot card (born an atheist with one Jewish parent, I became a Unitarian as an adult and now sing in a Lutheran church and define myself as "a little bit Christian, a little bit Jewish, and a little bit Pagan, so the Pagan part of me sometimes uses tarot) and it was a good one with the basic message being "success". And I went armed with good wishes from my Facebook fiends and amazingly from my partner.
When I got there they said they didn't want to hear one of the arias from the opera (each of the mezzo leads has one) and looked through my book and chose "O Mio Fernando" from La Favorita. I had recently reworked that for my recording, so I was able to sing it off book. I got off to a false start (the opening sounded different with this pianist) but once the recit got in full swing I gave a really good performance and really did well with the cabaletta including the high A at the end.
I don't know if I got cast as anything. I would take either of the mezzo roles. I think they are paying people to sing in the chorus but I will probably pass on that. They couldn't possibly pay me enough to make it worth my while to block out all that rehearsal time. I would rather produce something myself. Really the only choral singing that interests me is singing in this church choir because it's small enough that my being there really matters, particularly if there are two soprano parts.
I don't know how long it will take to hear something. Rehearsals are supposed to start at the end of this month.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Cautiously Optimistic?
I had said I wasn't going to write much about this audition (I did get a spot for Saturday) because too much talking about something like that is "unprofessional" (and as I've said before, I define "professional" vs "unprofessional" as behaviors not an issue of whether I am getting paid for something or not).
I do, however, want to say a few things about how the prospect of it has lifted my spirits at least somewhat.
Based on things I have picked up by osmosis, I think this audition is to cast the "older character" role, which is fine with me, as it is still a leading role. As I am a (much) older person as singers go, I am not at all offended if someone does not want to cast me as a younger character. I believe in opera as theater as well. What offends me are directors (and it seems these are who run most of the no pay companies these days) who are not interested in using someone my age to play any role because we are not worth bothering with, and believe me, I know this to be the case.
I am somewhat optimistic about this particular production that I am auditioning for because the stage director is older than I am (I know this because of opera productions he told me he'd seen) so he would have a different sensibility.
So now that I have this to look forward to (if nothing else it's an opportunity to get dressed up, get out of the house, and sing), and have enjoyed telling my earthling friends about it (many of them think I am a glamorous creature just for doing something like this), I need to deal with my nerves.
Although my singing has improved, my confidence level has not. It used to be the cutoff for my confidence level was an A, now it seems to have slid back to a G, which is not good, because if I'm a serious mezzo auditioning for anything, I need to show off my high A, which is quite good, if my energy is not sapped in the wrong way by being either tired or nervous. Now there's a "good" nervous, which I think of as "excited nervous" and then there's a "bad" nervous, which is a feeling of being defeated, which is how I often felt singing at those meetups. To date, I have never felt the "bad" nervous singing at an audition, so I need to keep my fingers and toes crossed here.
As for what I am going to sing, I was told not to sing the aria the older character sings in this opera because that's what "8 other people" are singing (is this Saturday audition, with its 16 time slots, only for this role?) so I said I would sing the aria the romantic lead sings, which is something in my repertoire and they said fine. The director I spoke with asked me if I sang "O Don Fatale" and I told him no, it was too high. I said I could sing "Acerba Volutta" or "O Mio Fernando" and he told me to bring both. They are both good show pieces, and I have always been able to put on a good show at an audition, so these should work. Even at my concert, when I thought I did a mediocre job singing "Condotta", a woman who had sung Azucena told me what a riveting performance I had given.
So the countdown is:
Today: It's freezing outside. I am going to stay in, work, eat healthy meals, and spend at least an hour practicing and refining the three arias I might be singing Saturday.
Wednesday: Choir practice. No singing that day, but I can mouth the words and walk through the pieces. Now that I have stopped artificially lightening my voice to sing soprano with the choir (one advantage to having the trained coloratura there) my voice no longer goes off track there, so I should be fine.
Thursday: Basically a reprise of Tuesday although if I get paychecks in the mail I can take a brisk walk to the bank.
Friday: I have a therapy session in the morning. A good place to talk about (and find a strategy for getting rid of) my nerves. Be mindful of how I use my speaking voice. I think it will be warmer so I will do some outside errands and perhaps a wash. Sing through the difficult bits of the three arias. Pack my audition bag. Get a good night's sleep.
Saturday: The audition is at 1, which means I should leave the house at 12:20 (it's about 10 blocks away). If the weather is nice I will walk otherwise I can take the subway one stop, or the bus if I see it. So that means I need to be in my bathroom vocalizing up to at least a high B at noon. Thank God for my forbearing neighbors.
So that's it!
I do, however, want to say a few things about how the prospect of it has lifted my spirits at least somewhat.
Based on things I have picked up by osmosis, I think this audition is to cast the "older character" role, which is fine with me, as it is still a leading role. As I am a (much) older person as singers go, I am not at all offended if someone does not want to cast me as a younger character. I believe in opera as theater as well. What offends me are directors (and it seems these are who run most of the no pay companies these days) who are not interested in using someone my age to play any role because we are not worth bothering with, and believe me, I know this to be the case.
I am somewhat optimistic about this particular production that I am auditioning for because the stage director is older than I am (I know this because of opera productions he told me he'd seen) so he would have a different sensibility.
So now that I have this to look forward to (if nothing else it's an opportunity to get dressed up, get out of the house, and sing), and have enjoyed telling my earthling friends about it (many of them think I am a glamorous creature just for doing something like this), I need to deal with my nerves.
Although my singing has improved, my confidence level has not. It used to be the cutoff for my confidence level was an A, now it seems to have slid back to a G, which is not good, because if I'm a serious mezzo auditioning for anything, I need to show off my high A, which is quite good, if my energy is not sapped in the wrong way by being either tired or nervous. Now there's a "good" nervous, which I think of as "excited nervous" and then there's a "bad" nervous, which is a feeling of being defeated, which is how I often felt singing at those meetups. To date, I have never felt the "bad" nervous singing at an audition, so I need to keep my fingers and toes crossed here.
As for what I am going to sing, I was told not to sing the aria the older character sings in this opera because that's what "8 other people" are singing (is this Saturday audition, with its 16 time slots, only for this role?) so I said I would sing the aria the romantic lead sings, which is something in my repertoire and they said fine. The director I spoke with asked me if I sang "O Don Fatale" and I told him no, it was too high. I said I could sing "Acerba Volutta" or "O Mio Fernando" and he told me to bring both. They are both good show pieces, and I have always been able to put on a good show at an audition, so these should work. Even at my concert, when I thought I did a mediocre job singing "Condotta", a woman who had sung Azucena told me what a riveting performance I had given.
So the countdown is:
Today: It's freezing outside. I am going to stay in, work, eat healthy meals, and spend at least an hour practicing and refining the three arias I might be singing Saturday.
Wednesday: Choir practice. No singing that day, but I can mouth the words and walk through the pieces. Now that I have stopped artificially lightening my voice to sing soprano with the choir (one advantage to having the trained coloratura there) my voice no longer goes off track there, so I should be fine.
Thursday: Basically a reprise of Tuesday although if I get paychecks in the mail I can take a brisk walk to the bank.
Friday: I have a therapy session in the morning. A good place to talk about (and find a strategy for getting rid of) my nerves. Be mindful of how I use my speaking voice. I think it will be warmer so I will do some outside errands and perhaps a wash. Sing through the difficult bits of the three arias. Pack my audition bag. Get a good night's sleep.
Saturday: The audition is at 1, which means I should leave the house at 12:20 (it's about 10 blocks away). If the weather is nice I will walk otherwise I can take the subway one stop, or the bus if I see it. So that means I need to be in my bathroom vocalizing up to at least a high B at noon. Thank God for my forbearing neighbors.
So that's it!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
The Obligatory New Year's Post
As someone in a 12-step program, I am not a big fan of New Year's resolutions. When I need to make changes, I will know, as I indicated in this post.
My partner said to me that this had been, for me, a "good year". Do I agree? I don't know.
This is the first year that I spent the entire year as a freelancer, living almost entirely off my earnings. The "almost" means I took about $10k out of money that had been in my (deceased) mother's bank accounts, but that is, perhaps, money that I would have been able to earn this year or last year if I hadn't been taking care of her when she was dying and wrapping up her meager estate.
On the other hand, I felt a certain amount of despair that here I was, once again, trapped at a desk by myself for hours at a time doing something safe, dull, and predictable.
My singing has continued to improve (certainly my best singing is better than it ever has been), but I have had more and more bitter realizations that no matter how well I sing, I am basically "nowhere" on the classical singing food chain, certainly not living where I am living, which is what prompted my remark about small towns and my (sometimes) wish that I lived in one that was misunderstood and ended an online friendship.
I decided to delete my pseudonymous blog, and to stop reading most of the online journals of other singers, which only made me feel angry and envious, caused a virtual brouhaha, and led me to realize how terribly bored I am a great deal of the time (only when I am trapped here doing my work-for-pay - I am never bored when I can choose how I can spend my time) and what a temptation it then became for me to enviously read about how real singers live, hate myself and my life, and put poison pen to paper (metaphorically speaking).
One reason I didn't make any resolutions, other than the one mentioned earlier about, where singing is concerned, to set my own goals and mind my own business, is that I already practice and already spend a certain chunk of the day learning music. What I seem to need is an identity vis a vis the world of singing, even simply an identity that I can have between me and myself.
The biggest shock I experienced when I went back to singing in 2004 wasn't that I wasn't going to have a "career" - I had already figured that out - but that there was so much talent here that I couldn't even carve out a niche for myself as a good amateur in a milieu in which I was respected by other people. I mean if I want to put on a concert I can always find people to sing with but I had hoped to find a few people (and I mean this in the practical sense, not in a egotistical one) who sang almost as well as I did but not quite, who were eager to perform, and who would invite me to do things and at least share the cost and the planning, but this has not happened.
I have even tried to wrack my brains looking for something else I could do to entertain myself and satisfy my need for glamour and flash, something not as highly competitive as singing, but I don't come up with anything.
So. If I did make any New Year's resolutions, here they are:
1. To practice every day.
2. To always have a musical work (opera, oratorio, etc.) that I am learning, aside from choir music.
3. To always have one choir solo to look forward to (we usually choose these for ourselves, subject to scheduling and, occasionally, veto by the choir director)
4. To always have one other thing in the works. If it's not outer directed (an audition to go to), then it can be inner-directed (something I will plan and organize myself).
5. To remind myself every day that I am an exciting, glamorous, vivacious, performing artist even if that is not what I do for a living and even if I never travel, if what I do for a living never takes me beyond my tiny desk or leads to my meeting anyone, and even if no one cares what I'm wearing 99% of the time except me.
6. Any time I see a friend with a camera, if I'm wearing something nice, ask them please to take a picture and email it to me (this doesn't cost a cent these days).
7. To be grateful that I have a place to be safe and something to do that's secure while at the same time working at doing things that don't feel safe and secure, because safe and secure is boring and boredom is dangerous.
I guess that's it.
I may have an audition to go to on Saturday - or not. I sent a resume and head shot to someone via FedEx (this was an audition I had heard about through non-traditional channels) and will call them tomorrow to see if I got a spot. Surprisingly, when I mentioned this to my partner, she did not get into an uproar about it, so this is progress. I don't want to write details about this audition until either it's over, or I know that it's not on. I just want to keep this to myself. I have been preparing two roles, and would be happy with either (one I'm sure is out of the question, but I can always hope).
My partner said to me that this had been, for me, a "good year". Do I agree? I don't know.
This is the first year that I spent the entire year as a freelancer, living almost entirely off my earnings. The "almost" means I took about $10k out of money that had been in my (deceased) mother's bank accounts, but that is, perhaps, money that I would have been able to earn this year or last year if I hadn't been taking care of her when she was dying and wrapping up her meager estate.
On the other hand, I felt a certain amount of despair that here I was, once again, trapped at a desk by myself for hours at a time doing something safe, dull, and predictable.
My singing has continued to improve (certainly my best singing is better than it ever has been), but I have had more and more bitter realizations that no matter how well I sing, I am basically "nowhere" on the classical singing food chain, certainly not living where I am living, which is what prompted my remark about small towns and my (sometimes) wish that I lived in one that was misunderstood and ended an online friendship.
I decided to delete my pseudonymous blog, and to stop reading most of the online journals of other singers, which only made me feel angry and envious, caused a virtual brouhaha, and led me to realize how terribly bored I am a great deal of the time (only when I am trapped here doing my work-for-pay - I am never bored when I can choose how I can spend my time) and what a temptation it then became for me to enviously read about how real singers live, hate myself and my life, and put poison pen to paper (metaphorically speaking).
One reason I didn't make any resolutions, other than the one mentioned earlier about, where singing is concerned, to set my own goals and mind my own business, is that I already practice and already spend a certain chunk of the day learning music. What I seem to need is an identity vis a vis the world of singing, even simply an identity that I can have between me and myself.
The biggest shock I experienced when I went back to singing in 2004 wasn't that I wasn't going to have a "career" - I had already figured that out - but that there was so much talent here that I couldn't even carve out a niche for myself as a good amateur in a milieu in which I was respected by other people. I mean if I want to put on a concert I can always find people to sing with but I had hoped to find a few people (and I mean this in the practical sense, not in a egotistical one) who sang almost as well as I did but not quite, who were eager to perform, and who would invite me to do things and at least share the cost and the planning, but this has not happened.
I have even tried to wrack my brains looking for something else I could do to entertain myself and satisfy my need for glamour and flash, something not as highly competitive as singing, but I don't come up with anything.
So. If I did make any New Year's resolutions, here they are:
1. To practice every day.
2. To always have a musical work (opera, oratorio, etc.) that I am learning, aside from choir music.
3. To always have one choir solo to look forward to (we usually choose these for ourselves, subject to scheduling and, occasionally, veto by the choir director)
4. To always have one other thing in the works. If it's not outer directed (an audition to go to), then it can be inner-directed (something I will plan and organize myself).
5. To remind myself every day that I am an exciting, glamorous, vivacious, performing artist even if that is not what I do for a living and even if I never travel, if what I do for a living never takes me beyond my tiny desk or leads to my meeting anyone, and even if no one cares what I'm wearing 99% of the time except me.
6. Any time I see a friend with a camera, if I'm wearing something nice, ask them please to take a picture and email it to me (this doesn't cost a cent these days).
7. To be grateful that I have a place to be safe and something to do that's secure while at the same time working at doing things that don't feel safe and secure, because safe and secure is boring and boredom is dangerous.
I guess that's it.
I may have an audition to go to on Saturday - or not. I sent a resume and head shot to someone via FedEx (this was an audition I had heard about through non-traditional channels) and will call them tomorrow to see if I got a spot. Surprisingly, when I mentioned this to my partner, she did not get into an uproar about it, so this is progress. I don't want to write details about this audition until either it's over, or I know that it's not on. I just want to keep this to myself. I have been preparing two roles, and would be happy with either (one I'm sure is out of the question, but I can always hope).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)