Another Big Funk

Now I have gotten myself into another big funk, bigger than usual.

I heard something on tv from a psychiatrist, about a disorder called "exogenous depression". He was talking about it in connection with people buying lottery tickets and then not winning anything, and falling into a depression. I realize that what makes me depressed is feeling, really every day, smaller and more insignificant in the world of classical singing, which is what means so much to me. This is a totally different thing from feeling frustrated if I don't think I am gaining mastery over an aria or piece of music that I am trying to sing. And it is also different from true clinical depression, where people wake up in the morning and think life is meaningless and don't want to get out of bed. I asked my therapist if she thought I was clinically depressed and she said "no". But I do think I can easily fall into this "exogenous depression" and boy have I fallen into it now!

It's Holy Week, so all the singers that I "friended" on Facebook have their "church jobs" which often involve being soloists in major works. Last year at least my choir sang most of the choral part of the Mozart Requiem and I had one of the solos in the only solo quartet that we did. And I had sung on Maundy Thursday. This year I knew I wouldn't be singing on Maundy Thursday but I remember having asked the choir director if there would be any solos for Good Friday and he said no (which was ok) but then it turned out that we were "sharing" the service with the other congregation who uses our space and they brought in four soloists and we were the backup. This made me boiling mad, especially as one of the pieces that was sung was sung very badly (I absolutely think I could have sung it better and I am not one to say things like that). I may not have glorious high notes or very strong lower middle notes but I know when you sing Bach you don't gulp for breath on an ad hoc basis whenever you happen to run out of bloody breath!! You make a plan for where you're going to breathe and you stick to it. Actually the other singers were quite good, but we have good singers too and the whole situation struck me as inequitable and it really left a bad taste in my mouth.

I already knew this was going to be a washup so I decided if nothing else I would wear something totally unique and eye catching (we had to wear all black) so I wore a crocheted vintage dress that was form fitting (no cleavage, because it was a church) that showed off my curves) and put on stage makeup. The two women "soloists" were dressed like slobs. So at least I looked the part if nothing else and I sang the small amount we were assigned to sing, well.

So now tomorrow it's the Halleluia Chorus, which I absolutely hate singing. Last year because there were two conservatory trained coloratura sopranos singing I sang alto, but this time I will probably be one of four sopranos, so I had better make a valiant effort. The problem is that the soprano part was written for boy sopranos to sing loud and I am a dramatic mezzo trying to sing it pianissimo. I went through it with the recording and it doesn't get easier I can tell you that, even though some other things that I sing, do.

I am just really in a vile mood. The problem is I have a big diva personality and I'm trapped with a small skill set in a huge city. I am just not a background kind of gal. I mean for example sometimes my excitement for the week is going to my Pilates class in my electric blue lycra leotard. Everyone else is wearing black. I mean that is who I am. Someone who wants to stand out in a crowd.

Then I read on Facebook (or wherever) about all these get up and sing concerts. All I want!!!! is for someone to invite me to sing at one of those, just one!!!! bloody aria, that's all. Yes, I can plan one of my own but it's not the same. It just doesn't taste as sweet.

Well, now I just need to forget about Friday and focus on picking out an Easter solo aria. I have several ideas. That and a summer anthem. We have more leeway in the summer because there is no choir. I might like to sing "Qui Sedes" from the Bach B Minor Mass because it has an oboe accompaniment and there seem now to be two oboists playing at the church. I like picking things with an instrumental accompaniment because that is different from the same old same old and it will stand out. (And you had better believe if I sing an aria by Bach I know where you breathe and where you don't.)

Speaking of Bach, I am going to be singing "Et Exsultavit" from the Magnificat in September in one of the Spanish services. The man who runs them says many of the people who come to them were raised Cathoic and are used to hearing Latin.

And of course there's my Verdi Requiem for next March which will only not happen over my dead body. And if enough people come to that I can put on a different oratorio each year. And except for the fact that I have planned it myself, I guess that won't be any different from all these singers on Facebook with their Holy Season concerts. I can invite people to them and who will give a bloody toss if the thing was my idea or someone else's?