My Inner Bully

The title of this post refers to this post by Cindy Sadler who always has something to say.

What I find fascinating is that I began reading her blog because she is the mezzo I wish I were, but I continue reading it because it seems that there are many things about her journey with fitness that mirror my journey with singing.

This last post really spoke to me about how I felt at those meetups, get-togethers, etc. Part of the problem was it was not as simple as "I was a beginner, the other people were more advanced". It was more like, "I had some technical issues to work on, which were different from the ones the younger beginners had to work on, and because I was so much older than everyone, working to improve wasn't going to get me anywhere so no one was interested."

Probably the only time I went to one of those things when I had any confidence was the very first time I went to the Tuesday night one, which was the week I was going to sing "O Ma Lyre Immortelle" at that LGBT fundraiser, so I sang it there. Having a real "gig", even just singing one aria at a "cabaret" meant I was a real singer who really needed a rehearsal, so I was as good as anyone else.

Cindy suggests if you're uncomfortable, looking for a class where people are more at your level, but this is exactly what I have not been able to find. There are things for young students and things for emerging pros, and things for secure mature singers ("mature" in this context means 40), and things for real amateurs with pleasant voices who can sing a few simple art songs, but not that much for someone like me, unless you want to spend a lot of money (the bass I sang with took an opera scenes class at a community music school, and he is another rough diamond, like me, an intermittent smoker who began studying classical singing in his 30s, but it cost several hundred dollars.)

What she says about athletes is interesting. She says people are so happy that someone is interested in fitness that they don't care what level the person is at. I would not say this is true of singers necessarily. Or it's only true if the people at a somewhat lower level are younger. Then the more experienced people can "model" or be mentors.

She talks about bullies in the high school gym and I certainly have been acquainted with those! Well, not so much in high school, where the beatnik crowd I hung out with thought gym was silly, but certainly in 7th and 8th grade. In general, I have not encountered those types of bullies as an adult. Now, it's much more subtle. I have had people talk "around" me at the Forum, have had singers let me "friend" them on Facebook but never comment on anything I've posted, especially it it's about singing, etc. And I have seen people at those meetups approach newcomers who are young, asking them whom they studied with, what they are working on, etc. and notice that they never approach me (and if I approach someone, they answer questions I ask about them but never ask anything about me).

I really need to tell my inner bully to shut up right now. So what is it telling me?

1. Trying to be an opera singer is a waste of time and money.
2. If you're not even good enough to sing a role you want (or even one you're lukewarm about) in someone else's amateur production you should just pack it in and do something else with your free time.
3. Why don't you just settle for being a nice church singer who sings "After the Ball is Over" at an occasional party? (This is the kind of thing my partner thinks I should be singing instead of struggling with high notes - which I refer to as my "triple Axles". She says singing is to "entertain" and whom am I entertaining if I'm sweating?)

Tonight will be my first night at choir practice after my Good Friday meltdown (the meltdown occurred only in my head and in the "pages" of this blog). So what is my game plan? This morning I will write to the choir director and say since I hadn't heard from him (not surprising, as he played one concert out of town over the weekend and is playing another one Monday night) I will bring the music for the three solos to rehearsal. I will warm up (I had a really constructive voice lesson yesterday about focusing on keeping my pharyngeal space open to get rid of that tight "gargly" sound in my upper passagio). We are going to be singing Pinkham's "Alleluia" on Sunday. This has about 10 high Gs for the sopranos but they're situated in a comfortable way for me and it's something I sing well. I will keep my mouth shut about Good Friday unless someone else mentions it. (I thanked the people who deserved thanking: the choir director for conducting, the woman who wrote the passion play, and as many of the actors in it that I could find to thank.)

So now it's time to pound this keyboard for a while and earn some $$$.

ETA: I will also thank any and all of the instrumentalists who played. They did a fabulous job. And I'm keeping my ear to the ground for an oboist who might want to play "Qui Sedes".