I have written at great length about my despair over not being able to get my foot in the door of any of these amateur productions. Well in 2009 this is who sang Turridu in Cavalleria with the company where I had the disastrous experience with Carmelites.
He's great and I hope he has a big career. But so what's left for the little people?
Leaving one keyboard for another - I am going to put in a full hour of practice before I leave for my eldercare sleepover.
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your recent postings about your various funks. Every person, at every level of this business, goes through something like this. We are all very concerned with where we fit in and where we are in the pecking order. Trust me, very few are satisfied. I know it's frustrating to hear that because the things you long for are so modest but I believe it's true.
The only way to stay sane is to remember why we do what we do. Whether it be the music or the drama or the love of performing (in a church choir or at the Met). We have to come back to that. The rest of it will drive you crazy and it isn't worth it. I'm very aware that it's much easier said than done but it's the only way I've found to alleviate some of the frustration.
Thank you for responding. I think I have been feeling especially bad since the Good Friday incident. I have no problem at all knowing that I will never be a "professional" singer, which is fine. It did come as a shock that in this era (and I am not referring to my age) apparently people at my level of skill are no longer good enough to sing leading roles with amateur groups (which is really all I want at this point.) So I am already dragging that around. What bothered me about Good Friday was that I felt I was lied to. There may be a reason why those two women from the other church were offered that duet, and why that group in general took over all the plum assignments, and if I knew what it was, I might be able to live with it. But I feel I (and in fact our whole choir) was treated shabbily. If this sort of thing had happened in a work situation at a company, I would have felt free to say something (even just to HR). But I don't know whom to speak to. I don't feel comfortable speaking to the choir director even though I like him very much. I tried speaking to another woman in the choir whom I thought would have been as teed off as I was and she almost bit my head off. It's sort of like because this is a church we're supposed to value virtue over ambition. I suppose my issue is I love two things: singing well and being a diva. Some people say you're not supposed to call yourself that but I do. Just the fact that when I felt pushed into the background I made sure I had on a "drop dead" unique vintage dress says something about me. I think the issue here was I felt that our entire choir was treated like the B list because we are not paid. Do you have any suggestions for how to get this off my chest? How I left things was I gave the choir director a list of solos I would like to sing over the Easter Season and just plan to keep my attention on the future. I'm sure he knows I was not happy because I said nothing about Good Friday other than to thank him for conducting the orchestra.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you were very gracious in dealing with your choir director.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to think of a more palatable way of saying "feeling slighted goes with the territory" but I'm coming up empty. It sucks. It just does. I'm sorry that the church stuff happened. I'm sorry that you're not being recognized for all that you offer. Mostly I'm sorry that people around you don't understand.
You're right that in any other business there would be avenues available to you to alleviate your frustration. I hate that they don't really exist in this universe. The only thing in your control at this point is what you're going to do with all of this. The most productive option, as far as I see it, is to make yourself the best you can be (which I know you're working hard at), that way you'll know that you served the art form as well as you possibly could. That will still stand even if the business surrounding the art form doesn't serve you.
You are right that they key issue is what am I going to do with all this. The underlying problem is that even though I keep singing better (my teacher said the CD I made in November sounds better than the one I made in 2009) I probably have less than half the confidence I had then. I have been scared away from pretty much everything except this church choir and putting together my own concerts. Well, now I have a whole year to put together this Verdi Requiem. If people come to it (it will be advertised as a fundraiser for whatever charity the church wants to feature during Lent) then I can do something else.
ReplyDelete