New Year's is almost upon us, and there is the pressure to make a New Year's resolution. But what? I have just about finished with the Artist's Way commitment. I mean, I believe that that program changed me forever. It is right up there with AA and the Well Spouse. Actually, a lot of what I learned from the Artist's Way is similar to what I learned from The Mentor: to make my life a feast for the senses even if my daily circumstances are not. I feel that I had made a lot of headway, particularly at Christmas. I knew I wasn't going to get any presents (and hence not give any, except to the needy) so I would have to find something else to do. I bought a small tree and decorated it, and got one for my partner. I put the expensive plaid sheets on her bed and made bean soup with red tomatoes and green basil. And I sang in a Christmas Eve service. Even though I wasn't a soloist (there weren't any), still, being a part of something that beautiful made Christmas Christmas.
I am trying to learn what my triggers are for getting depressed. The first is spending too many hours indoors working. So I made the choice to work no more than 30 hours a week, even if it means taking money out of savings. In four more years I will be able to collect my full retirement amount from Social Security and if I add that to my earnings I will have almost as much as I had when I worked full time in a management position.
But today I realized another trigger, which is hearing what I call simplistic, dismissive, "anything is possible if you want it enough" talk. Someone posted something on Facebook saying "if you don't love what you do find another career" huh??? So I saw this just as I was telling myself to be grateful that I had a paycheck, a cheap and decent place to live, a small safety net, and that there were many people in this country now who had lost all of the foregoing, not to mention the many many people who never had it to begin with.
But every time I hear something like that I backslide spiritually. I think: what's wrong with me? Why am I still trapped with dull work? How did I end up here? Am I a failure because I sit for hours cleaning up punctuation when what I dream of doing is strutting my stuff "out there" some way, some how.
I did all I could. I got a year of career counseling. I don't blame the counselors, or myself. Repackaging a 60 year old with a time limit before her severance pay runs out, and eldercare responsibilities, in a bad economy, is not like redecorating your living room. It is something for which there is a slim likelihood. I was lucky there was work of any kind to be had, so I grabbed it - what they call "the low hanging fruit".
So now I am depressed again.
The Artist's Way tells me that it doesn't matter what I do for a living if that is not something that it is easy for me to change. I can express the artist in myself in other ways.
So how does that translate into a New Year's resolution? I think I'm a bit burned out with morning pages and artist's dates, although I think I take the latter from time to time instinctively now.
I am really really enjoying my new iphone. I have made it a goal to photograph myself in every sexy outfit that I have. So here are some shots in the drop dead red leotard that I wear to my Pilates class when everyone else is wearing black.
And my final bit of surprisingly happy news is that people love my "Angel" Youtube video. One of my Facebook friends shared it with a lot of her friends. It sounds lovely, although I sound like a lyric soprano, not a dramatic mezzo. Well, I guess it doesn't matter what I call myself. For me the world ends at A natural for the most part so anything that doesn't go higher than that I can sing. I would post the video here, but I really can't trust random readers to understand how to put a positive spin on feedback. I always am happy to receive constructive criticism but as I wrote here this seems to be a learned skill that is less intuitive than I thought. If you know me in real life (or online) and want me to send you the link, just give a shout.
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