Last night I watched this on tv.
Of course, being me, what I took away from it was not what I was "supposed" to. I know Apartheid was a tragedy, and that the living conditions of people of color in the townships are still shocking, even today. That anyone can emerge from there an opera singer (or anything, really; a doctor, a judge) is quite astounding. But having grown up in a Marxist family, I am sort of "immune" to finding political messages where I "should," the way some people who grew up fundamentalist are "immune" to positive messages about religion.
Since taking the writing class I have determined to be more authentic. If I only write what I think people want to hear, I will be boring.
I have written here and elsewhere about the issue of being "discovered". Most people don't understand what I mean when I write about that. I don't mean singing at a bake sale and suddenly finding myself whisked away to the Met. I mean having a talent that someone notices, and having that "someone" stick with me, maybe eventually passing me along to someone else who will take things from there, but always feeling "held" by caring people. That is how I felt in AA; that is how I sometimes feel in this church where I sing, mainly about my problems with my partner and the toll it takes on me. I have never felt that way about singing, except once, when the Mentor sprinkled me with stardust. I was thinking about him just now because he is friends with a number of my friends on Facebook, and for the first time in the 5 or so years I've been on Facebook, he and I commented on the same person's post. I wonder if he will read what I wrote and click on my profile? Or read this blog? (I really shouldn't care.)
The person I was most mesmerized by in the film was a woman named Linda. Linda had every possible strike against her. She grew up in the squalor of the townships, lost both her parents, and is struggling with tuberculosis (I myself am a TB survivor as a result, probably, of having drunk and used drugs in crowded crash pads in the late 1960s, while at the same time suffering from malnutrition).
In true Cinderella fashion, Linda gets the kind of "total immersion" at Glimmerglass that I so ache and long for, and seem not to be able to give myself, except in fits and starts. The Mentor gave me hints of that: when we went over the "Habanera" he coached my diction, my facial expressions, my hand gestures, even told me what kind of flowers to use! I don't get that from anyone now. My teacher and various coaches sometimes correct my pronunciation and my choir director is a stickler for dynamics even when I'm singing a solo, but total immersion? No.
Sometimes I imagine the vocal equivalent of an AA sponsor; someone who contacts me every day and reviews what I am doing in detail. Or the money to see someone other than just my voice teacher to go over repertoire on a regular basis. (I have such a superb ear I don't need a coach to drill notes and rhythm: I can do that myself singing "against" recordings.) That's what Linda got. Now if anyone deserved it, she did, but that didn't make me any less sad.
And the crown jewel of all this was: Linda was told by several coaches that she needed to feel entitled to be the center of attention and believed she deserved it!! No one has ever ever ever said that to me. I am always being told to be quiet, dress more conservatively, sing softly when I'm singing a church solo (which is 90% of my singing) because it's "about" people taking communion.
Well, I've got my "Habanera" moment. I now have the sound file to rehearse with. I will watch Youtube videos of different mezzos singing the Habanera. I will organize my costume and block out some staging. Even though the purpose of the taping is to make a tape as a promotional material, there may be a de facto "audience" if people are in the store buying books while we're taping.
And no matter what, I will not let my partner spoil my happiness. Or my birthday, for what it's worth.
As a friend said to me "I will walk into that bookstore as if I own the place."
I saw this doc too last night and was also mesmerized by Linda! Her voice, her stance, her confidence were all so inspiring and invigorating. I'm Googling for more info about her and came across your post. Thanks for blogging about it.
ReplyDeleteBabydramatic, I think as church soloists we get the message that it's not about us as performers. We are supposed to humble and provide a prayerful mood, which is where your choir director is probably coming from with his exaggerated ppp. In church, it's about spirituality, and music is an offering to God, or if you prefer, a prayer rather than a "performance". We are not supposed to be "on stage"; we are merely a vessel and not to be acknowledged in any real way for our talent because it is God-given and we are merely servants (at least that's the religious ideal; I don't subscribe to that myself). Any church musician, no matter how polished, knows this, because we usually don't even get applauded there (at least not in my church). I think more than attention, what you are after is the "performance" aspect of singing for an audience, which is understandable, but difficult to get in a church, where you say 90% of your singing occurs. What the Mentor did for you is encourage the performance aspect of your singing,gave you lots of pointers and attention and encouraged you to be "on stage" ; therefore it felt like "stardust". Your gig at the Bookstore is a chance for you to "perform" in character and costume without trying to subdue your talent to suit spiritual purposes. IMHO this is really what you are longing for and you don't get that in church. My guess is that the Bookstore gig will be a really satisfying experience for that reason. You need more of that kind of secular opportunity.
ReplyDeleteDear Latelyric,
ReplyDeleteYes, I think you are correct. I stay with this church situation because not only do I get solo opportunities, but also my musicianship keeps improving as a result of singing with this choir. I have been exposed to a lot of different types of classical repertoire (many of the choral pieces, for example, come from larger works that have solos that I can look into) and have become proficient at singing parts (when I sing second soprano I am often in a sea of first sopranos and need to be able to hold my own). Not to mention all the meaningful relationships I have built with my colleagues. I think part of the issue at this church is that the only solo opportunities are during communion (except in the summer, for the most part) where one has to sing softly. When I first came there people were able to sing (rousing) postludes - I sang "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth" the Sunday after Easter that first year - but someone (the Pastor? a consensus?) decided to have instrumental postludes only. Yes, I am looking forward to the bookstore gig. Also the September concert. What is interesting about the woman who runs this is that when she does choral pieces she knows she is dealing with soloists singing together, so she often breaks the piece up to give each of us a solo, in addition to sections where we sing together.