The Luxury Department

A long time ago, someone at an AA meeting referred to "the luxury department".  By that he meant trying to figure out what someone is thinking, or what they mean.  You can't ever really know.

For example, I will never know if the two bloggers whose posts really hit me where I lived and insulted me were thinking of me.  Maybe they weren't (although it's interesting that, regarding the first one, I was told she was not by other people; she didn't write to me herself).  On the other hand, every therapist I've ever met (either as a client or as a colleague - when I was a volunteer counselor at the LGBT center) has said "trust your gut".  So if things people say (even if they're about other people, not me) leave a bad taste in my mouth, I perhaps don't need them on my daily reading list.

Now I am onto a whole 'nuther subject entirely.

I am just not happy singing with the Lutheran choir any more, but I can't think of anything else to do with myself.  I love the services at the church, although I have no desire to be Baptised, and if/when my partner predeceases me (she is 15 years older and in poor health) I had often thought I would throw myself into some of the social outreach activities there like serving lunch at the soup kitchen.

But I just feel very under-appreciated.  If this were a corporate job, what I would be doing now is, first, talking to coworkers about my perceptions/experiences to see if they were reality based, then maybe say something to my boss during a performance evaluation, get coaching on how to approach him/her with some of my sources of dissatisfaction, etc.  And look at the want ads (what quaint language; I really date myself).

The problem is, I have no one to check things out with, first of all.  If only it were as simple as people getting individual positive/critical feedback, or even having to audition for certain spots, but it's all sort of under the table, and a lot of it (back to trusting my gut?) involves intangibles.

Over the years that I've been there, the bar has been raised quite a bit, for various things.  When I started singing there, as people are not paid, I was one of four trained singers, that's it.  We still  did difficult music, but some of the higher soprano parts were simplified because there was no one there who could sing them (two of the trained singers were myself and another classically trained mezzo who sang soprano, sometimes with difficulty, and the other two were men).  Now it's a whole 'nuther ball game.  I am sure I can still sing a solo here and there, but probably never again at one of the high profile services.

I had promised myself I wouldn't say anything about the "disappeared" alto solo (I am singing the alto part in that piece, which is fine; I am the only one who can sing that opening line on one breath and I will sing it as if it were a solo.)  I didn't, but ended up making a joke about how my lack of enthusiasm for some of the spirituals that we sing wasn't that I'm a snob, but that so many of them have solos for high women's voices or for men, but never for lower women's voices.  So the choir director kind of took umbrage and said "well, it's a choir after all", so I said, "yes, I wouldn't care if there were no solos" which seemed to make him angry, and I know he rarely gets angry.

Then he thanked the two soloists who sang in the piece last Sunday.  He has never ever ever thanked me for anything I did in front of other people, only privately.  Does that have significance?  Also I have heard him recommend concerts that other people in the choir are performing in, either orally after the rehearsal, or via email.  He never did that for my Verdi Requiem concert; all he did was let me hand out flyers, and then he told people about it a propos of that there was going to be a Good Friday rehearsal afterwards (which I did not attend) and that the ticket money was going to the food pantry and the soup kitchen.  So do these things have significance?  This is what is meant by "the luxury department".  I really don't know.  If this were an office situation I would ask someone else, but I am not comfortable doing that.

Last but not least, my main problem is that I haven't a clue what to do with myself otherwise.  I have been scared off almost everything other than concerts I organize myself, because too many other people are better, which is just a fact.  It doesn't mean I don't sing beautifully.  It just means that in my immediate environs if I compare myself to the pool of other classical singers I am way at the bottom.  On the other hand (and this is somewhat a propos of my feeling entitled to define myself as an "opera singer") if I compare myself to a random pool of people, I probably sing better than 99% of them.  When I open my mouth in a random situation (singing "Happy Birthday" at an office party, for example) I sound like an opera singer, not like someone who enjoys karaoke night.

I am going to try to make working with the woman who produced the September concert more of a priority.  Unfortunately, most of what she does seems to involve having "workshops", mostly for people with minimal training, who sing musical theater.  But any time she is doing something that seems like it would be a place for classical singers, I will jump on it.

For good or ill, I seem to be someone who needs a lot of "stroking".  I don't mean that I don't want constructive criticism (although I think this should be given in private), but I like to feel appreciated, and the point has come when I really don't.  I think I would really like to be praised (for something I really do well, and there are things I really do well) in front of everyone for a change.

Now I don't think I'm being given an indirect message that it's time for me to go.  I have gotten that message at various jobs, when new management took over.  I have been one of a handful of people who were given a hard time (although not threatened with firing) who eventually got the message and went elsewhere, to a better opportunity.  I know they still need me if there's a second soprano part, or even from time to time in the alto section, which only has one other trained singer and is not capable of producing a big plummy sound.

So I am not sure what to do next.  Other than practice and practice and practice.