New Year's Resolutions, Six Months On

Well, it is now almost that time of year again.

I don't make it a rule that I must make New Year's resolutions, but as I felt a great need for some house cleaning earlier in the year (which I have continued with), I want to strengthen my resolve.

Maybe it's because I have gone back to AA meetings, but I spent part of this year taking a look at some of my behavior to see what exactly it was that was making me so unhappy, and I saw that a lot of it had to do with a kind of voyeurism that I was engaging in a propos of other people who had the lives I wish I had.  It was very hard to feel gratitude and self-acceptance if every single day I was reading blogs and status updates from working singers, actors, and so forth.  Particularly ones who were articulate culture watchers.  No matter what they were writing about, it stung, whether they were writing about me or not (most likely not).

Since my involvement with blogging (which followed closely on the heels of my involvement with singing), I have had two major showdowns with groups of people I envied, (and some minor ones along the way), which should have told me something.  I simply don't need to be looking in these people's bedrooms or reading their polemics.  I notice that I already have felt better about myself since I stopped doing this.

These people's lives are extremely unusual.  So if I don't work outside the house, and don't have relatives, and spend the morning reading journals and blogs from seven working singers, one director, and three voice teachers, I am going to lose sight of that fact, and feel quite small.  On the other hand if I find places to socialize that are full of secretaries, nurses, even bankers (I have never envied money per se), I have a much more realistic attitude about where I fit in the scheme of things.  Even the fact that I practice an art form at all, and in fact practice it well enough that I have a handful of performance venues where I can do solo singing, even for no money, puts me ahead of the game.  It means I am "artier" and more creative than your average 63 year old woman with a bachelor's degree, whose only contact with the arts may be as a spectator.

So my first resolution is to reaffirm that I am not going to read any more personal blogs or opinion pieces (or peruse online fora) frequented by these people.  I still read some blogs by voice teachers, but these are about vocal technique, health, and repertoire, not about how Miss Kansas is ruining things for "real" opera singers or how amateurs must  never never forget that we are not the real deal.

My second resolution is to continue all the work that I did with The Artists Way. This taught me to incorporate beauty and sensuality into every nook and cranny of my life. It did not tell me I had to do something creative for a living or else I was a failure. That if you do not "love what you do" you are worthless. And in fact, I need to reaffirm that

Yes, I do love what I do, I just don't love what I do for a living, and ny third resolution  is that I need to stop hating myself because I can't find something else to do for a living.  I have to accept that what I do does not feed my soul in any way, so I  need to feed myself otherwise, while at the same time being grateful that I have some livelihood, considering that many people don't these days.  Leaving aside the obvious, singing, I can cook, and decorate, organize my photographs, write, look around me when I am out.  I already avoid left brain hobbies like the plague.  I can't remember the last time I even looked at a crossword puzzle, for example.

It's interesting.  Since I have stopped "competing" with working singers and hating myself, some things have fallen into my lap.  I am going to sing (the "Habanera" and something else) at a cabaret musicale.  This is on a Sunday afternoon which is just fine and dandy.  If I skip a Sunday choir sing maybe someone will miss me and I will stop feeling taken for granted.  I will be singing Nins' "Cant deis Aucells" on Epiphany for the Spanish service.  And I am continuing to work on the scenes from Carmen for my spring concert.  There is all sorts of singing I can do where I can use artistry and garner applause that doesn't involve the (in fact rather limited) world of auditions for these no pay opera groups and others, who obviously don't want me.

Although I don't really see myself as a musical theater singer, I have found a musical theater piece that I adore: "Moonfall" from The Mystery of Edwin Drood.  It is dripping with seduction, a lot like "Mon Coeur" and is in an ideal range for my type voice.  If I sing it, I won't sing it as Rosa Bud in the show, I will sing it as if I meant the words, which are quite delicious.

Another sign of personal growth.  I couldn't in a million years see myself wanting to sing "Green Finch and Linnet Bird" now.  However mired I am in eldercare, sometimes lovingly, sometimes not, I know I am not a caged bird.  I can fly and sing!

This is What It's All About, After All

I haven't written much lately, because nothing much is happening, other than my preparing Carmen.  I feel a bit guilty that I cancelled attending this evening's get-together with the coach who is helping me with this, but as it is not a rehearsal for a particular event, there is snow and ice on the ground, the rehearsal is after dark, and the wind chill is in the teens, which means any slush will turn to ice, I felt it was more important to stay safe.  I am basically healthy and fit for someone my age, but I would describe myself as "orthopedically unstable" in that I have already had one fracture requiring surgery, one of my legs is shorter than the other, which means I don't have good balance, so I am a fall risk, and at my age with my history a fall could lead to another fracture which could mean another hospitalization or at least a lot of lost time from work if I couldn't type.  I already walk with a cane when there's snow on the ground, and I try to avoid going out after dark if there's snow on the ground.

About a week ago, my partner said how much she missed caroling.  Really, the only times she can leave the house (escorted or unescorted) is probably between 11 and 3, certainly at this time of the year.  It's hard for her to get herself together in the morning, and she never is out after dark.  So that rules out church services.  They are either in the morning or the evening.  So she said someone had suggested that she ask me to come with a hymnal and sing carols with her.  She was very hesitant about asking; she asked would I "mind"?  That almost broke my heart.  Of course I wouldn't mind!!  So Saturday we did a little caroling.  She has COPD and has almost no voice at all, but she poured herself into it and it made her happy.  Isn't that what it's all about?

Some friends of mine posted pictures of themselves on Facebook showing them caroling in groups (this was part of a photo exercise the church gave us: one word Advent devotionals where we posted a picture every day in response to a word prompt, and one of the words was "caroling".)  The only picture I had was the Youtube video of me singing theWagner "Angel" so I reposted that.  I suppose it wasn't very jolly.  It had gotten a lot of "likes" (on Facebook - the Youtube like dislike feature had been disabled) originally but only got one this time.

This made me a bit wistful, and I thought of how much joy people have going caroling (I suppose some of our choir singing over this season would qualify there) and that there is a lot of joy to be had in life, and that I wished I were more open to it and less enamored of the spotlight, but I guess I am who I am.  I seem to be feeling less bitter and envious.  Although I think there are certain things that set me off, and they are not always what I think they will be.  For example I don't care if someone else sings really well and gets recognition for that.  There should be enough room in the universe (even the little universe of the church with its choir and soloists) for many talented people.  I get put out if I feel the same people keep getting opportunities and there is no attempt made to make things equitable, or if there is a sense that there is some kind of exclusive club to which I don't belong.  For example someone has turned up to sing "Rejoice Greatly" in one of the services and also sing with the sopranos (she sang with the sopranos on Good Friday).  She is a member of the congregation and apparently used to do professional "church gigs" and sing with regional opera companies.  But she is not snobby and cliquish (I would guess she is in her mid thirties) the way the man from the conservatory who is my age (the one with the rude wife) is.  I have felt put out because every time some new young person from the conservatory turns up he gloms onto them and wants to know all about them, but has rarely even given me the time of day.

This past Sunday the pastor was preaching about Advent and said it is a time of waiting and expecting, and that for many people, expectations we have had are not met (I can say that again!) but that during this time of waiting perhaps we should let go of expectations and that maybe something will appear that will surprise us.

So maybe this journey that began with my singing "Mon Coeur" and getting hot under the collar over The Mentor will end not with my being a singing star, even a small one, but with my finding a family and meaningful life in this church, even though I am not a Baptised Christian.

But I'm not quite finished with Carmen.

More on Carmen

Plans for Carmen continue.  The other tenor from the Met chorus has agreed to sing Don Jose, barring a paying performance on the same day, which he will know about far enough in advance.  In any event, his commitment now means that I can set the date.  I emailed my "sponsor" and she will get back to me regarding whether or not the room is available.  I am very flattered that he sounds happy to sing with me and he also said he can find me a Micaela and an Escamillo.  So we will be fleshing things out quite a bit.  I said we don't need the comprimari singers because I was not planning to do the big ensembles.

Last night I went to a group coaching session with "sponsor".  The other singers were not classical singers; she may have invited them because she is planning a cabaret/musicale in her apartment in January.  She said I can sing the Habanera there.  That will be fun.  I also met someone who does dramatic readings, so I might ask her to read the scenes from the book.

This afternoon I stumbled upon a Youtube video of Peter Brook's Tragedie de Carmen. If I were younger and more nimble I would love to do that.  I only got to listen to the beginning sections, but there are some interesting changes.  As they only use the four principals, the fight scene is between Carmen and Micaela. Also Carmen is smoking.  She does in some productions.  That is what always tempts me.  Not drinking.

Anyhow, here is a snippet

http://youtu.be/PhINJ5RTG5k

Tonight I am going early to choir practice to run through "Nun Wandre Maria".