New Year's Resolutions, Six Months On

Well, it is now almost that time of year again.

I don't make it a rule that I must make New Year's resolutions, but as I felt a great need for some house cleaning earlier in the year (which I have continued with), I want to strengthen my resolve.

Maybe it's because I have gone back to AA meetings, but I spent part of this year taking a look at some of my behavior to see what exactly it was that was making me so unhappy, and I saw that a lot of it had to do with a kind of voyeurism that I was engaging in a propos of other people who had the lives I wish I had.  It was very hard to feel gratitude and self-acceptance if every single day I was reading blogs and status updates from working singers, actors, and so forth.  Particularly ones who were articulate culture watchers.  No matter what they were writing about, it stung, whether they were writing about me or not (most likely not).

Since my involvement with blogging (which followed closely on the heels of my involvement with singing), I have had two major showdowns with groups of people I envied, (and some minor ones along the way), which should have told me something.  I simply don't need to be looking in these people's bedrooms or reading their polemics.  I notice that I already have felt better about myself since I stopped doing this.

These people's lives are extremely unusual.  So if I don't work outside the house, and don't have relatives, and spend the morning reading journals and blogs from seven working singers, one director, and three voice teachers, I am going to lose sight of that fact, and feel quite small.  On the other hand if I find places to socialize that are full of secretaries, nurses, even bankers (I have never envied money per se), I have a much more realistic attitude about where I fit in the scheme of things.  Even the fact that I practice an art form at all, and in fact practice it well enough that I have a handful of performance venues where I can do solo singing, even for no money, puts me ahead of the game.  It means I am "artier" and more creative than your average 63 year old woman with a bachelor's degree, whose only contact with the arts may be as a spectator.

So my first resolution is to reaffirm that I am not going to read any more personal blogs or opinion pieces (or peruse online fora) frequented by these people.  I still read some blogs by voice teachers, but these are about vocal technique, health, and repertoire, not about how Miss Kansas is ruining things for "real" opera singers or how amateurs must  never never forget that we are not the real deal.

My second resolution is to continue all the work that I did with The Artists Way. This taught me to incorporate beauty and sensuality into every nook and cranny of my life. It did not tell me I had to do something creative for a living or else I was a failure. That if you do not "love what you do" you are worthless. And in fact, I need to reaffirm that

Yes, I do love what I do, I just don't love what I do for a living, and ny third resolution  is that I need to stop hating myself because I can't find something else to do for a living.  I have to accept that what I do does not feed my soul in any way, so I  need to feed myself otherwise, while at the same time being grateful that I have some livelihood, considering that many people don't these days.  Leaving aside the obvious, singing, I can cook, and decorate, organize my photographs, write, look around me when I am out.  I already avoid left brain hobbies like the plague.  I can't remember the last time I even looked at a crossword puzzle, for example.

It's interesting.  Since I have stopped "competing" with working singers and hating myself, some things have fallen into my lap.  I am going to sing (the "Habanera" and something else) at a cabaret musicale.  This is on a Sunday afternoon which is just fine and dandy.  If I skip a Sunday choir sing maybe someone will miss me and I will stop feeling taken for granted.  I will be singing Nins' "Cant deis Aucells" on Epiphany for the Spanish service.  And I am continuing to work on the scenes from Carmen for my spring concert.  There is all sorts of singing I can do where I can use artistry and garner applause that doesn't involve the (in fact rather limited) world of auditions for these no pay opera groups and others, who obviously don't want me.

Although I don't really see myself as a musical theater singer, I have found a musical theater piece that I adore: "Moonfall" from The Mystery of Edwin Drood.  It is dripping with seduction, a lot like "Mon Coeur" and is in an ideal range for my type voice.  If I sing it, I won't sing it as Rosa Bud in the show, I will sing it as if I meant the words, which are quite delicious.

Another sign of personal growth.  I couldn't in a million years see myself wanting to sing "Green Finch and Linnet Bird" now.  However mired I am in eldercare, sometimes lovingly, sometimes not, I know I am not a caged bird.  I can fly and sing!