I haven't written much lately, because nothing much is happening, other than my preparing Carmen. I feel a bit guilty that I cancelled attending this evening's get-together with the coach who is helping me with this, but as it is not a rehearsal for a particular event, there is snow and ice on the ground, the rehearsal is after dark, and the wind chill is in the teens, which means any slush will turn to ice, I felt it was more important to stay safe. I am basically healthy and fit for someone my age, but I would describe myself as "orthopedically unstable" in that I have already had one fracture requiring surgery, one of my legs is shorter than the other, which means I don't have good balance, so I am a fall risk, and at my age with my history a fall could lead to another fracture which could mean another hospitalization or at least a lot of lost time from work if I couldn't type. I already walk with a cane when there's snow on the ground, and I try to avoid going out after dark if there's snow on the ground.
About a week ago, my partner said how much she missed caroling. Really, the only times she can leave the house (escorted or unescorted) is probably between 11 and 3, certainly at this time of the year. It's hard for her to get herself together in the morning, and she never is out after dark. So that rules out church services. They are either in the morning or the evening. So she said someone had suggested that she ask me to come with a hymnal and sing carols with her. She was very hesitant about asking; she asked would I "mind"? That almost broke my heart. Of course I wouldn't mind!! So Saturday we did a little caroling. She has COPD and has almost no voice at all, but she poured herself into it and it made her happy. Isn't that what it's all about?
Some friends of mine posted pictures of themselves on Facebook showing them caroling in groups (this was part of a photo exercise the church gave us: one word Advent devotionals where we posted a picture every day in response to a word prompt, and one of the words was "caroling".) The only picture I had was the Youtube video of me singing theWagner "Angel" so I reposted that. I suppose it wasn't very jolly. It had gotten a lot of "likes" (on Facebook - the Youtube like dislike feature had been disabled) originally but only got one this time.
This made me a bit wistful, and I thought of how much joy people have going caroling (I suppose some of our choir singing over this season would qualify there) and that there is a lot of joy to be had in life, and that I wished I were more open to it and less enamored of the spotlight, but I guess I am who I am. I seem to be feeling less bitter and envious. Although I think there are certain things that set me off, and they are not always what I think they will be. For example I don't care if someone else sings really well and gets recognition for that. There should be enough room in the universe (even the little universe of the church with its choir and soloists) for many talented people. I get put out if I feel the same people keep getting opportunities and there is no attempt made to make things equitable, or if there is a sense that there is some kind of exclusive club to which I don't belong. For example someone has turned up to sing "Rejoice Greatly" in one of the services and also sing with the sopranos (she sang with the sopranos on Good Friday). She is a member of the congregation and apparently used to do professional "church gigs" and sing with regional opera companies. But she is not snobby and cliquish (I would guess she is in her mid thirties) the way the man from the conservatory who is my age (the one with the rude wife) is. I have felt put out because every time some new young person from the conservatory turns up he gloms onto them and wants to know all about them, but has rarely even given me the time of day.
This past Sunday the pastor was preaching about Advent and said it is a time of waiting and expecting, and that for many people, expectations we have had are not met (I can say that again!) but that during this time of waiting perhaps we should let go of expectations and that maybe something will appear that will surprise us.
So maybe this journey that began with my singing "Mon Coeur" and getting hot under the collar over The Mentor will end not with my being a singing star, even a small one, but with my finding a family and meaningful life in this church, even though I am not a Baptised Christian.
But I'm not quite finished with Carmen.
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