The Drop

Well, surprise!

I was expecting to feel a letdown, but it still hurts.

First of all, I really do think that the woman who produced the concert is angry at me, either because it was not well enough attended (I think she thought my entire congregation would show up), or because it was not as polished as she thought it should be (I totally agree that it needs polishing, but when and with what aim and with whose help?) or because we had some misunderstanding about money, which I thought was patched up, but maybe she does not. I suppose I think this because she did not write to me (even in response to my writing to her to thank her for her help) to say anything nice, supportive, or encouraging.  On the other hand, maybe as I said that I would be back to rehearsals, etc. at her house in June, she is turning her attention to other things.

But I am left with an "empty" feeling.

I know all the people who did come really enjoyed it, and aside from forgetting to take my glasses off, I think I sang (certainly I acted) close to my personal best.

The biggest problem is that I just don't (can't) do enough of these things.  When I posted something on Facebook about feeling depressed having to go back to my mundane life a friend (who had been to my performance and complimented me on it) said that well, most performers have day jobs.  This is true, but many of those at least have time, money, and resources (not to mention familial good will) to spend most of their non-day-job time involved with performing.  Many of them are married to or partnered with other performers with day jobs, so they are in it together.

Other than church solos (which there seem to be fewer and fewer opportunities for) and going to voice lessons and working on technique and repertoire at home, it is very difficult for me to justify throwing a lot of time, money, and energy into something.

And whether or not I earn money performing, the fact that I don't even do it all that often means that people forget that that is who I am when I am surrounded by conservatory students, music teachers, and people who came to New York to eke out a living in the performing arts, sort of.  I just sort of blend in with the other women my age who sing in the choir as a hobby.  I know I know I know that I shouldn't be looking for validation from other people, but if people don't engage with the "me" that is important to me, but engage with  me as someone else, the performer "me" just sort of gets lost.

I guess I have to take compliments where I find them.  I was interviewing a cleaning woman for my partner and I told her what I do for a living (a propos of my partner telling her I worked at home) and she said she was quite surprised, that looking at me she thought I was an actress.

I think the reason I am so upset about the (real or perceived) falling out with the concert producer is that she was the only person who suggested things for me to do, sing, look at, think about, etc.  My voice teacher gives me exercises to sing (often based on what I tell him I am having difficulties with) but he has never suggested any place for me to sing or given me ideas for anything to do and in fact I am angry with him again (I am not sure how to address this) because he has once again found another mezzo to replace his wife in a concert.  He has never asked me to sing even one thing in any of his concerts.  If I ever did leave him as a teacher it would not be for technical reasons, or because he does not have a conservatory degree, but because I wanted a teacher who at least would give studio recitals that I could sing in.  The choir director has never suggested a solo for me to sing.  All the ideas come from me.  And I don't even have friends (with one possible exception and she does not live here) who ask me what I'm doing next, or who nag me or prod me, or who even care if I am performing or not; even people who compliment me on performances they have come to.

ETA: I finally did get an email from the concert producer, complimenting me on the performance.  I mean of course there are things that needed improvement, the main issue is that I need to feel I am worth teaching and mentoring and I suppose she still does.  She mentioned the Spanish songs I want to sing and told me to buy copies of the music (which I had already done; they are in a book of Spanish songs she had suggested that I buy).  So things look a little brighter today than they did yesterday...