Sad, Angry, and Manic

I am in one of the worst moods I have been in in a long time.

I had worked really hard on the soprano part of the St. Paul piece.  It was not comfortable, but it was certainly manageable if I sang it full voice.  Yes I can sing a pianissimo high G but only in a piece where the phrase is meant to be sung pianissimo.  These phrases are all marked forte.

Now, let me first say that if when he handed the music out, the choir director had said to me "why don't you sing the alto part on this piece, it's lovely" (true - the altos do a lot of singing on their own) that would have been fine and in fact if we still had trained high sopranos, I would have volunteered to sing the alto part, but I didn't think there was anyone who could sing the soprano part.  But what happened instead was that I started singing and he asked me to sing with the altos "in certain sections".  So first, I was angry that I felt that I was made a spectacle of in a negative way (he has never given me any public compliments, unlike the ones he often gave Little Miss; the only times he has ever spoken to me in front of the group has been about something negative although he has given me compliments of various kinds in private).  Second, singing with the altos "in certain sections" would have been a lose/lose proposition because then I wouldn't get to sing the lovely alto sections or the soprano high notes.  So I just said "why don't I just switch sections" and he said "fine". Actually the part is lovely (and it goes up to an E not a C) and I brought every ounce of vocal technique to it.

When he rehearsed sections alone at one point the sopranos sang the bit going up to the high A, which sounded, to be polite, rather anemic and tinny (I think only two people were singing), some woman in the alto section said "Wow".  Really??? No one has ever said "wow" in public over anything I sang.  People have come up to me in private and complimented me when I've sung a solo but that's about it.

Then to make everything worse at the end of the rehearsal when the choir director asked if there were any announcements, after a few about people who were ill, the tenor from the conservatory (the one with the rude wife), who only seems to be interested in other people from conservatories, announced that Little Miss is going to be an apprentice at Caramoor.  Who effing cares?  As a friend of mine used to say, "Let's talk about the people who are in the room."  It was different at least when she had a recital  because that was something people could be invited to.

I felt like going home and throwing dishes and screaming.  My therapist has told me that when I feel like that probably what I want to do is cry, so I did that too.

This morning I spoke to my partner about how upset I was.  I don't usually bother her about problems that don't concern her because she is so frail, but I just wanted a hug, a compliment, some affirmation, anything.

What I decided, after trying to pull myself together (crying is bad for the voice no matter what range I'm going to be singing in) was that what I want most is a video.  What better vehicle for public kvelling?  So I will post something on Facebook about my birthday concert (just in general terms) about this, and then home in on some specific people as the time approaches.  For now, I don't even know how many guests I can invite.