After a terrible experience getting harsh (and I suppose mostly gauche) negative criticism (it was so severe and all encompassing it completely took me aback and left me shaken for weeks) after posting some (badly engineered) sound clips at a time when I wasn't sounding as good as I would have liked, I have only once posted a video of myself singing here. That was in 2012 (the day after "Sandy Hook") and I posted a video made in church of me singing "Der Engel" by Richard Wagner, struggling to keep the whole thing pianissimo, and only using half my voice.
Well, now This video of me singing Rossini is the culmination of 14 years of hard work. I was debating whether or not to publish it here, and I know that I'm doing it partly because I'm proud and partly because I'm angry and depressed.
I know this is silly; I know how hard I've worked, how much progress I've made, everyone says it including my teacher and the choir director (I can sing a pianissimo high A off the cuff which I couldn't even do last year). But all I have to do is engage with real singers talking about singing and I feel like nothing. Like a tiny mouse who has found herself in a den of snakes. Sometimes they ignore me, sometimes I think they're laughing at me. Mostly I feel like someone who's stepped into an exclusive club where I don't belong. And I keep trying! I keep putting feelers out. Because I'm stupid and have no self-esteem.
(I'm also depressed now because I have no more solo singing on the horizon other than something in church in July or August tbd).
So here's "Tanti Affetti", one of the most flamboyant mezzo arias on the planet. Like it or lump it.
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