Second Concert

Yesterday's concert went very well.  I got all the videos and am mostly happy with how I sounded (of course there are a few things that could have sounded better).  The only really gauche thing was that I had to stop to drink water (twice!) during the Bolena duet because my throat got dry and there were still plenty of high notes ahead.  Lately there have been various discussions (online) about the fact that it's a myth that people always need to have water but I know that when I'm singing my throat gets so dry that I just wouldn't make it up to some of those notes without staying hydrated.  So what do the big stars do when they're onstage?  All I can think of is that big opera houses and concert halls have a humidfying system of some kind, which regular venues don't.  And churches are dusty.  And for me maybe it's just my chronic upper respiratory issues.

But I shouldn't dwell on negative things; I am happy with how most of it sounded and I looked lovely in my new dress.  It was a splurge (well, for me; it cost $75 and usually I shop at thrift shops for concert wear) but it was worth it and my last semi-formal concert dress is 10 years old.

I really like the site I ordered it from.  It's called "Rose Elegant" (I can't seem to find a site to link to) and everything comes from (as distinct from having been made in) China so the sizes are odd.  A size 12 maps to XXL, but this fit me perfectly.  Since I have gotten shorter and much bigger around the waist (I attribute some of that to the muscle and fat "donut" that singers are supposed to have around the waist and back) I have stopped buying anything fitted around the waist.  I wouldn't wear a tent dress but there are a lot of dresses like this one that are shapely, but not tight at the waist.

Unfortunately I can't seem to be able to download the videos individually (when I do that there is sound but no picture) but I can see them (and I guess show them to people) by posting a link to the original drop box file.  Maybe the videographer can fix the problem.  I hate to bother her because she never charges me anything; apparently making these videos is part of her volunteer work creating "lasting impressions" for seniors. 

So now I can retire the Bolena for a while and start planning 2020 concerts.  At least three of the places want us back; I just have to pin them down about dates and times.  I think next time we may revisit the "Judgment Scene" from Aida and the "Vengeance Duet" from Samson et Dalila.

I am going to be 70 next year but have no sense of slowing down.  I sing a lot better than when I started at 54; even than I did a few years ago.

To end on a humorous and flattering note.  There is a sustained high A at the beginning of the Bolena duet.  It ends the opening recitative, and after I sang it, the audience here broke into applause.  I have never had that happen.

A Bold Move

After a terrible experience getting harsh (and I suppose mostly gauche) negative criticism (it was so severe and all encompassing it completely took me aback and left me shaken for weeks) after posting some (badly engineered) sound clips at a time when I wasn't sounding as good as I would have liked, I have only once posted a video of myself singing here.  That was in 2012 (the day after "Sandy Hook") and I posted a video made in church of me singing "Der Engel" by Richard Wagner, struggling to keep the whole thing pianissimo, and only using half my voice.

Well, now This video of me singing Rossini is the culmination of 14 years of hard work.  I was debating whether or not to publish it here, and I know that I'm doing it partly because I'm proud and partly because I'm angry and depressed.

I know this is silly; I know how hard I've worked, how much progress I've made, everyone says it including my teacher and the choir director (I can sing a pianissimo high A off the cuff which I couldn't even do last year).  But all I have to do is engage with real singers talking about singing and I feel like nothing.  Like a tiny mouse who has found herself in a den of snakes.  Sometimes they ignore me, sometimes I think they're laughing at me.  Mostly I feel like someone who's stepped into an exclusive club where I don't belong.  And I keep trying!  I keep putting feelers out.  Because I'm stupid and have no self-esteem.

(I'm also depressed now because I have no more solo singing on the horizon other than something in church in July or August tbd).

So here's "Tanti Affetti", one of the most flamboyant mezzo arias on the planet.  Like it or lump it.

The Bitter and the Sweet (2018 Version)

This is a title I use frequently, but have not used this year so far.  I guess it's just life.

I got the videos from the recital and thought everything sounded good except for the Handel (which I knew didn't sound good because I sang too fast and didn't take breaths that I should have taken).

But

I just hate how awkward I look.  As the evening wore on, I looked less and less awkward, but that's because as the evening wore on, the pieces I sang became vocally easier and easier so I was able to relax and have fun.  But I don't want to give up the difficult pieces that I sing well.  Here's the problem.  I fidget, look worried, do things with my arms to "aid" in vocal production (do these things really aid anything?) and worst of all, for whatever reason, I walked off the stage at the end of "Tanti Affetti" when the pianist had not yet finished playing, to get some water between songs.  Getting water was OK; doing it without letting the pianist finish was not.  It was like when I sang Carmen in costume and forgot to take my glasses off.  What upsets me about this isn't that I don't like how I look; it's that I know these problems are the result of my never having had the right kind of "grooming".  Over the past 14 years I have just about had the time to devote to refining my vocal technique and learning music.  I have not been in any setting where I would be coached on how to walk on and off the stage, look at the audience, and look poised while I'm singing.  This is the kind of thing that someone like "Little Miss" has had going for her since she was 10, and now I guess she's in her mid 20s.

The good news is that I had my first rehearsal with the new pianist today.  I had gotten very little sleep because after looking at the videos last night around 10 pm I was upset and found it hard to stay asleep (I didn't have a problem falling asleep, but woke up several times, the last being at 5:50 am, after which I could not go back to sleep).  Well, I can sleep tonight, I hope.  Anyhow I really sang well, including "Tanti Affetti" so I guess I really own all those high notes and fancy gimmicks and can do them at will (the way I can sing "Rejoice Greatly", which sounds hard to other people).  This pianist is more of a coach than my other pianist, who is predominatly an accompanist (I have never heard him tell me anything about style for example). This new pianist gave me a number of pointers, including about "Mon Coeur", which I have been singing for over a decade.  These subtleties are very interesting and I hope to do them justice.

So now I just have to rest (we have choir rehearsal tomorrow, for which - I think - all I have to do is sing an alto part on a chorus from Elijah) for the next few days.  I have a lesson on the 29th, last rehearsal on the 31st, and the concert on June 2.  Then I will decide what to do next.

This new pianist aspires to be a conductor and has conducted operas with a small company in Brooklyn that has an orchestra.  He asked me if I would want to sing in their opera chorus and I said no (politely).  There is no pay involved and there would be a lot of rehearsal time.  I would rather sing recitals of songs and arias in front of a small audience than be lost in a big opera chorus. I might do it if I were younger and could see it as a step toward singing a leading role, but now, no.

Videos! A Dream Come True

I got the videos back from my recital.  First of all, if anyone reads this, and you are someone I know and trust, just leave a comment with your email address (I screen comments, so it won't be published) and I will send you some links.

And, before I comment on my feelings about the videos, I want to say that for the past, let's say 5 years, certainly as long as everyone and their dachshund has had a smart phone, I have yearned for videos of me singing.  These were not easy to come by, let me tell you.  My friends with smart phones were not that skilled at using them (they would make a video, it would be too big to upload, they would give up, and I would get tired of nagging them), or they didn't even own one (e.g. my voice teacher), so I was left empty handed.  And this stung particularly because the younger singers I was/am so envious of, seem to have a gaggle of family, friends, teachers, and coaches, always at hand to document their every song.

Recently, I will say, I have found someone at church who is IT-savvy, and he made two videos of me which I am glad to have.  I sounded good in both, but did not like how I looked in one, which was good for me to see, because I can use it as a teaching tool.

The fact that a videographer documented this recital really was just something that fell into my lap.  She has been making a legacy project for my partner, videoing her telling stories, so I asked her how much she would charge to video my recital and she told me she would do it for free, because she planned to use part of it as part of my partner's legacy project.

She is a professional who makes videos as part of her day job, and she knows how to do good camera work, and how to create files that I can store on my hard drive and upload to Youtube.  Did I tell you I have a Youtube channel?  It never had much on it, but now it is filled out with most of the clips from the recital.

All in all, I was happy with them.  Here's a recap.

• O Had I Jubals' Lyre. I was very pleased with that.  Actually I was surprised, because it was the first thing I sang, I wasn't feeling well, and I was a little nervous.  I took a couple of catch breaths in the runs but you can't hear them.
• The Drinking Song.   I was also pleased with that, at least with how I sounded.  The high A was good.  I was not so happy with how I looked.  I was doing something fidgety with my hands that looked a little like I was doing something risque.  Actually I was probably tugging at my skirt.  Next time I will tell whoever is videoing to cut the frame off at my waist.
• Cruda Sorte. Overall the coloratura was good, but I wish I had a plummier sounding lower middle register.  But I looked like I was having fun!
• Moonfall. Really good.
• Mon Coeur.  Probably the best I've ever sung it.
• Habanera. Meh  Not my best rendition of it.  I just wasn't all that engaged with it
• In Betty's/Buddy's Eyes  Not good.  That's too bad because I had hoped to use it as part of the legacy project.  I didn't know it well enough, so at one point I sang a wrong note that was out of tune.  It's such a great song, so I may revisit it at some point.  I never sang it at a lesson, which was probably a mistake.
• Vanilla Ice Cream.  That went really well.  I had fun!  Including with the ad libbing.
• Waltz Me Around Again Willie.  Again, fun!
• Let Me Call You Sweetheart.  Heartwarming.  I invited the audience to sing along, which I had also done last time.  I am going to use this for the legacy project.
• I Dreamt I Dwelt.  Good until the very end, when my throat got tight.  I was aware of that while I was singing.  I didn't post it anywhere, but probably no one except another singer or a voice teacher would have noticed that.
• Home Sweet Home.  Made me cry.  I just love love love that song.  I will use that for the legacy project.

My only disappointment now is how few "likes" these got on Facebook, compared with how many likes I get when I post something about my partner, or even when I post a status update saying I was happy with how something went.  I wonder if people just don't see these videos in their feed?  (I'm still not quite sure what the difference is between a "feed" and one's Facebook Home page; when I want to see other people's posts I go to my home page.)  As I've probably said in some of my less than happy posts from 4 or 5 years ago, the young singers I was mentioning get oodles of likes and shares for all their videos. 

Anyhow, what I should say is having these is priceless because most of them are to cherish, and the ones that are not are to critique, which is what I wish I had had access to all along.

Oh, and in other news, I heard back from the managed care company that is handling my partner's Medicaid recertification, and they said that all the paperwork and financials looked in order, so they are submitting it to the city.  So now I just have to wait.