A Dream Achieved (2018)

This past Good Friday I sang a two page solo "Recordare" in the middle of the "Rex Tremendae" section of Schumann's Requiem.  It was perfect for my voice and the choir director was happy with it.  All I have ever sung on Good Friday in the past (Good Friday is the church's most high profile service, with an orchestra) is the alto line in a solo quartet.  And (totally by accident) this was the only solo of the evening.

The night before I had sung "Qui Sedes al Dexteram Patris" from Vivaldi's Gloria 588.

I got compliments on both from people who would rarely even give me the time of day before.

I need to keep up that momentum and build on that, such as it is.

Next challenge: Rossini's "Tanti Affetti".  If it is in decent shape by next week I will include it in my May recital program, otherwise not.

An Honor That I Pray to be Worthy Of

On Wednesday I went to see Farinelli and the King (I have very little discretionary income, and what I have goes to voice lessons and pet care so I rarely go to the theater) which was wonderful (the countertenor sings 6 Handel mezzo arias during the play).  At the intermission I checked my email and I was stunned to hear from the choir director that he wants me to sing the only (soprano) solo in the Good Friday service.  It is a "Recordare" from one of the Schumann Requiems.  It is actually in a perfect range for me, mostly in the middle, with one G in it.  The whole piece is two pages.  To date, I have only sung the alto line in a few solo quartets in the various Good Friday services.  (I am still singing with the chorus altos this time.) 

I consider this a huge honor particularly as there is a real dramatic soprano singing with the choir.  When went to rehearse the solo, the choir director told me that he thought it would suit me because he wanted a big expressive dramatic sound!

The only real challenge I will have (the piece is not difficult) is singing it after singing the very low alto part in the "Agnus Dei".  I will ask my teacher what to do.

And of course I now have another challenge.  Yesterday (the day of the rehearsal) I woke up with a whopping sinus "thing" that causes mucus to sit on my vocal cords and makes me cough.  When I woke up yesterday I couldn't  phonate at all.  Fortunately, I remember that my teacher has always told me that if you don't have laryngitis, and whatever is affecting your cords is caused by mucus, if you drink hot beverages, use an expectorant, and do a little light singing, your voice will come back.  In fact he said singing often clear the mucus off.  So that is what happened yesterday.  Same thing this morning although I don't plan to sing at all today.  I will see if I can sing a little tomorrow night (I spend Friday night and Saturday taking care of my partner at her house).  The choir is singing something simple Sunday morning at 9.  Worst case scenario I will stay home.  The good news is that these things usually clear out after a week so I should be fine for our next rehearsal on Thursday night. 

I absolutely don't think I have anything serious because I don't feel sick.  It's very localized.  It may be contagious, though, because it seems to be a bit more heavy duty than my regular sinus problems.  So Neti pot, Vicks, and liquid Mucinex.  And not too much talking.

I have worked over ten years for something like this (I will be singing this with an orchestra) so I will pray to be worthy.

Choir "Gossip" and A Conundrum

Well, wouldn't you know? Only a few years have passed since Little Miss left and now we have a bona fide dramatic soprano (a 30-year-old training to sing Strauss) in the choir.  Apparently she has been living in New York for seven years, but only just now decided she wanted to find a "home church".  So we will see.  She is very different from Little Miss.  She is quite shy, and seems like a grownup (not a child bubbling over expecting - and getting - oodles of praise).  I first saw her name on the solo list, which is fine.  There is plenty of room for anyone who wants to sing a solo: there are probably 45 Sundays where at least one service has no choir singing and a few other special services (and the Spanish service). I don't really know why this woman wants to sing with the choir.  It will definitely be good to have her singing on Good Friday, when we will be doing sacred pieces by Schumann.  She is singing in the soprano section, so I am singing in the alto section, which makes sense because nobody in the alto section can make a big enough sound to sing with an orchestra.  I just don't want to get stuck in the alto section not because I don't like singing low, but because (I have probably mentioned this before) although soprano parts sometimes go low, alto parts never go high, so singing alto all the time is like going to the gym and only exercising half my body.

A while back I spoke to the choir director and asked if there would be any solos in the Good Friday music and was told that there might be a sopranos solo that was not too high that I might sing.  So what will happen now? Best scenario would be if the music contains both a soprano and an alto solo.  Then everyone will be happy. 

I think what bothered me so much about the situation with Little Miss wasn't how well she sang (although yes, it was gut-wrenching to know that I was less vocally polished than a 20-year-old;  being less polished than a 30-year-old would probably smart less) but all the attention she got.  To me that bespoke poor leadership as much as anything because particularly in a group setting whoever does or does not get solos, it is not appropriate to ooh and ah and gush over someone.

It is interesting also to see how different these two women's Facebook presences are.  Little Miss's page is filled with videos of her (often posted by other people) shared and circulated everywhere and gushed over by family and voice teachers. On the other hand, the new dramatic soprano has nothing on her Facebook page but pictures of her wedding.

As for other solos, I will have something either on Maundy Thursday or the Sunday after Easter. So between that and wanting to make a big plummy "professional" sound on the alto part in the Schumann, I am going to work on my lower register for a while (the Maundy Thursday solo would probably be the Vivaldi "Qui Sedes al Dexteram Patris").

I suppose the saddest thing isn't this or that individual, but that because of where I live, every year a new tidal wave of elite singers gets vomited up from conservatories all over the country, so no matter how much better I sing with each passing year, I can't get off the ocean floor.

A Somewhat Upbeat Update

Well, I now have a recital venue.  The Salvation Army residence that I sang at in 2015.  I was told that the audience would be small; they are moving and therefore aren't taking in new residents (and some have moved elsewhere because they don't like the neighborhood they will be moving into if they stay), and I can't invite choir people because it's on a Thursday night, but it will be a recital.  I don't know if my teacher will join me.  I have until after Easter to decide, because that's when I have to get the programs out.  (The recital is in May).

It will be basically the same program I have been doing but I am definitely going to add "Tanti Affetti".  I am quite astounded at how easy this feels to sing.  I will take two traditional cuts and am making one other cut (at my teacher's suggestion).  All the B flats except the last one are part of runs, and as I said a B flat now feel the way a G used to.   I had thought of using this aria to replace "Cruda Sorte", but I quite like "Cruda Sorte" so I think I will sing both and pass on the "Violin Aria", which I was going to use to replace the "Habanera", which for now I am totally bored with.

As for church solos, I may have a short solo for Good Friday.  We will be singing pieces by Schumann.  I don't know yet if I will be singing soprano or alto in the choir.  I think the solo in mind is for a soprano but it is not high.

And then I will have some other solo during the season.  The "Easter Hymn" is out because the only time slots after Easter are at 9 (not a comfortable time for me to sing in a high tessitura) so I have offered to sing Mary Magdalene's aria "Saget mir geschwinde" from the Bach Easter Oratorio.

Right now I mostly seem to want to sing Bach, Handel, and Rossini.  Mozart is a question mark.  I struggled (unsuccessfully) with the big "Laudamus te" whenever I tried to sing it.  With my new, more solid, technique and extra top notes (actually "Laudamus te" only goes up to an A; the problem is finding places to breathe and not getting tight) I might be able to nail it.  I don't know.  It would be nice to sing in the summer but we have to get our bids in by right after Easter, so if it feels iffy, I will sing something else.

Grief and Work

Well, since I last wrote I did hear back from one of the nursing homes I contacted (the one where I actually spoke to someone and sent her some videos) and after contacting her again she said she had looked at the videos and that I was not a good "fit" for what she was looking for.  So OK.  That could mean anything.  She might want someone who sings and plays the piano, someone who sings pop songs, someone who sings and plays the guitar.  Who knows?

Still no word from either the place with the beautifuli salon room (where my partner was in 2016) or the LGBT Center.  As for the latter, when I see my friend I might ask her to forward me the email she sent to her contact, as I have not heard from him.

Today I called another nursing home.

I also realized that I could ask my choir colleague if the residence where she lives still has concerts on Thursdays.  I did sing there once, but then our choir rehearsal night got switched to Thursday.  Maybe I can sing there in the summer when we are off?

What makes me so sad is that what I need is to do solo singing in front of an "audience".  I need that the way a plant needs water and I'm not getting any of that kind of nourishment.  I even looked at various places that offer performance classes but first they cost too much, and second, I am terrified of being the oldest and least proficient.

So all I can do now is work.  I am, believe it or not, tired of the dramatic mezzo rep that I struggled with for so many years; bored with Carmen and Dalila.  What is my new love?  Handel and Rossini!  That makes sense, because really, my favorite thing to sing is "Rejoice Greatly".  It's flashy and just high enough to sound high but not too high, and there is no sustained float-y high singing, which is my nemesis.

So I made a list of arias to work on.  Some had daunted me in the past and I had written them off.  But now, maybe.  They are:

"Tanti Affetti" from Rossini's Donna del Lago
"Bel Raggio" from Rossini's Semiramide
"Dopo Notte" from Handel's Ariodonte
and possibly
"Non piu di Fiori" from Mozart's Clemenza di Tito
"Ah, Mon Fils" from Meyerbeer's Le Prophete

and I might revisit Mozart's "Laudamus te" from the Great Mass.

Tonight I (tenatively and with many stops and starts) sang through "Tanti Affetti".  It has a lot of B flats, but they are all in runs, which I do well.  I said "a lot".  I mean 11.  I have no idea if the piece will ever be "performance ready", but if I don't try then it definitely never will. Nowadays a B flat feels like a G once felt.  And yes, in this practice session today I nailed all 11.

On the subject of being unable to find opportunities, I had another insight the other day.  Performance opportunities are like neighborhoods, and as the years go by, the smaller humbler ones have now all become gentrified (aka exploited by emerging professionals, semi-professionals, and professionals looking to sing a role they aren't singing professionally right now), which pushes anyone with a modest "package" (how I would describe myself) out. 

Maybe if I want an audience I will stop singing in the bathroom and sing behind my front door.  My electric keyboard is on my dining table, which is near my front door (if I know a piece, I sing it in my bathroom with a pitch pipe to check pitches).

On the other hand, my nextdoor neighbor goes to the Met once a week (it's around the corner, remember?) and the man down the hall is a music critic. Never did I so yearn to be surrounded by lager louts. They might tell me to stop "screaming" - but would probably think I'm the real deal.

In Defense of Mediocrity, or Totally Gobsmacked Watching "Last Tango in Halifax"

As for the title, this is something I had been toying with four years ago or so, as a "response" to another singer-blogger who seems to always get under my skin.  For whatever reason, I never used the title, but it came to mind again a few weeks ago when I was watching the Christmas special for Last Tango in Halifax.  One of the subplots involved an amateur production of Blithe Spirit that was in an area apparently so talent starved that they had to scrape the bottom of the barrel (meaning strongarm someone with no acting ability and no interest) into playing one of the male roles.  (The role of Madame Arcati went to a woman my age who had done some acting when she was young.)  Does this scenario really exist?  Are there still AmDrams (I word I learned recently) that are geographically located such that they will not be crashed by professionals coming from far and wide to get a role under their belt (or "rehearse" one they will be performing in a loftier venue later)?  Are there still places where the performing arts are so thin on the ground that people will actually come to a performance that at best can be called "a rough diamond"?

I posted this question in a British tv lovers Facebook group that I belong to and people assured me, yes, that this scenario was not so far afield, that most "small towns" (how is that defined, I wonder?) have an AmDram that is really that - for amateurs.

As for the term "mediocre" according to the dictionary, synonyms are "average", "unexceptional", "amateur", and "amateurish".  (There are also other synonyms, such as "uninspired" that don't capture what I am trying to say.) The point is that the term does not mean "so embarrassingly substandard that people want to run screaming from the room".  I would take it to mean "not the best of the best, but still pleasing on some level".

Now to me mediocrity is not the same thing as "laziness".  A person is lazy if he or she could achieve excellence but is not willing to put in the necessary work.  The potential A student who gets Bs.  But what about the C student who has worked his or her tail off to get Bs.   The end result is the same.  But the point is, are Bs bad?  Should only someone who is "A" grade be allowed or encouraged to [sing, play a musical instrument, paint, write, design furniture or clothing]?  I would guess that if someone is so unskilled (and untalented) at something that they are in the D or, heaven help us, the F league, they should not be encouraged.  They can probably find some other arena in which they can at least make B league.  But should only the best of the best exist, with everyone else going back to paper pushing or doing something else uninspired that most people don't want to do?

This subject is wrenching my heart because as someone with, possibly, a major talent, but one that was not put to use until past the 11th hour, and who probably in terms of skill level (if you put Met stars at the top and people who love to sing off key on karaoke night at the bottom) would be in the 88th percentile, has found every door closed to me.  The opera companies that don't pay people use professionals who can't find work (or professionals who want to use that gig as a rehearsal for a paying one).  People that invite performers into their spaces (for no pay, other than the use of the space) have a long list of people from Marilyn Horne's "Song" finalists to chamber music groups that have been reviewed in the TIMES that they can donate their space to and don't want amateurs with a few rough edges.  And its not only existing organizations and performance venues who aren't interested.  Colleagues aren't interested either.  I was told once to look for people who are really good, better than I am, but then, of course, they will flit if they get a better offer (my voice teacher included!!) And people who are at a lower skill level are just not all that interested.  They just think it's too much bother.  So in addition to having to learn my music I have to be the "impresaria" and do all the managing and planning and spend all the money.  I'm not a professional singer but I once was a well-salaried manager and really don't want to do that for free (I have done it, but I think I'm burned out).

So I had resigned myself to singing in nursing homes, which, actually, if I look at my values as a human being, should not be viewed as "settling" for second best.  I love the elderly and spend a large part of my life taking care of my 83-year-old partner who is severely impaired.  But other than the place I sang this past October (and for my birthday in 2016), I can't get anyone to "bite" despite having left repeated phone messages and having sent emails.  I actually don't take this personally.  I think they probably go for people they know if they're looking to fill the calendar.  Which brings me back to a subject I have written about in the past, that it really is about who(m) you know, not in the sense of fraudulent dealing, but in the sense of being part of a network and I am not part of one.  Here's an analogy I thought of the other day.  I can always get copyediting work not because I am absolutely the best copy editor anyone could ever hire (although I'm damn good - probably I would put myself in the 99th percentile there), but because people know me.  I have worked in the publishing business since 1979.  So who are people going to give work to? Me, or someone they don't know, who writes to them out of the blue and asks to take a test.  Even if they get 100 on that test, they don't have a "track record".

As I have said before, I am not ready to give up and throw in the towel.  Every week I am singing better and I certainly have more confidence than I did before.  But I can't say that I have expanded my network in any way, and this is not for lack of trying.  So OK, if I weren't a caregiver, I would have more options: start my own Meetup, venture forth on a Saturday or in the evening, maybe even see what's doing at one of the three big conservatories within shouting distance from where I live.  But not now.

So I defend "mediocrity" not because I think people should be lazy or lacking in discernment, but because I think there should be a place for people who aren't the best and never will be, but still want a place to muddle through something they love, in like-minded company, with friends and acquaintances cheering them on.

Singin' in the Cold

(To the tune of "Singin' in the Rain").

This should have been the last post of 2017, not the first one of 2018, but I wasn't at my laptop for much of yesterday.

Yesterday at 11 I sang "Rejoice Greatly" for the second year in a row on the Sunday between Christmas and Epiphany (last year it was on New Year's Day).  I am not sure if I sang it as well this year.  The church was ice cold and I had trouble getting my breath support to work (you know the way you "scrunch" yourself into a tight ball to try to stay warm? well, that does not do much for the expansion you need to sing).  I almost ran out of breath on the first long run.  After that, however, it was pretty smooth sailing.  The only problem is I was so physically out of sorts that I wasn't able to polish my "presentation".  Last year I sang well but did awkward things with my arms (raise them when I needed more breath, then put them down abruptly) and I had determined this year to look more composed.  But this year it was all I could do to get through it.

I don't ever remember it being that cold in the church and I have been there on Sundays when there was several feet of snow and I had to take a cab, or, coming back, have someone "cross me" through the mountains of snow and ice so I could catch a bus.  But indoors I always felt fine.  Were they being stingy with the heat?

So now I need to put something on my calendar; otherwise I won't have another solo singing spot until Holy Week or Easter.

Here's what I've done.

1. Called the nursing home (where my partner was in 2016) at least four times, with no result.  I left three voice mail messages and one message with the recreation director's secretary.  I also got another number for resident services, called it, and it went into the director's voicemail.
2. I got a friend who sometimes works there to speak to the recreation director.  He said he would call me.  He never did.
3. I called the LGBT senior services center where I performed several times and got the name and phone number of the new events planner.  I left her a voicemail message.  I found her email address and sent her an email.  No response. I know a volunteer there; I think I will send her an email this week.
4. I found the name of another nursing home/residence and actually spoke in person to the recreation director (I called at 9:02 am - good strategy!) She asked me to send a video and some more information so I sent her a few videos and a program from my last recital. That was several weeks ago.  I will call her again.
5. Next week I will google "Living Room Concerts" and see what I get.

I was thinking of making New Year's resolutions, but I don't even know of what kind.  Do I need to work harder? Who will know other than my teacher?  Do I need more chutzpah? How would that express itself? Do I need to do a better job of networking? If so, with whom?