The Bitter and the Sweet 2018 Wrap Up

I need to find a more imaginative title; this one is getting stale - maybe.

Of course I need to start with the Sweet; to quote Stephanie Ruhle "Who doesn't like good news, right?"

My life is sweet.  I am enjoying Christmas.  I bought both my partner and myself a small Christmas tree.

I have learned to enjoy Christmas.  If I consider myself a Unitarian theologically, I can celebrate any holiday I like.  Also, my therapist told me something interesting.  She said that probably the reason my mother always had a Christmas tree (and loved Christmas) despite considering herself a secular Jew was that in Germany before the Holocaust, most Jews (who were not Orthodox) celebrated Christmas.  It was considered a German holiday, much as Thanksgiving is considered an American one.  My maternal grandfather came from Austria-Hungary.  My maternal grandmother's family had been in Philadelphia for generations and most likely originally came from Germany in 1848.

I have a solo.  On Christmas Eve I will get to sing lovely music with the choir.  I am surrounded by beauty.

My voice seems to be back on track.  "O Mio Fernando" is back in my voice.  Right now I'm not sure where I'd sing it; maybe I can swap it with "Mon Coeur" in one of my nursing home concerts.  If I do the 30 minute demo concert that I had discussed with the recreation director at a new residence, I would use "The Drinking Song" as my aria because it's bouncy and "party-ish".

As for future church plans, I was speaking with the new dramatic soprano in the choir. and we may do a duet together next year. (For whatever reason, I don't feel envious about her the way I did about "Little Miss"; probably because she's older, much more modest, and does not want to use church as an arena for showing off.  She helps with the choir or sings a solo when asked, period.)  Anyhow she mentioned to me that she had made a recording of "Inflammatus" from the Rossini Stabat Mater and so I told her that I had sung "Fac ut Portem" at church several years ago.  I mentioned that there is a duet in Stabat Mater and that maybe we could sing it during Holy Week 2019.  I will take a look at it and when the time is appropriate, see if the Music Director could find a spot for it. She seemed to be interested.

As for the Bitter.

Last night our chamber music series featured a one act opera that starred a mezzo whom I had been in one of those meetups with long ago.  (I didn't go to it; I said I would be tired after teaching all afternoon, but I suppose in addition I didn't think seeing this particular woman would be all that great for my resolve to love my life and mind my own business.) In retrospect, I can say that what I learned from those meetups was that they were for people like her not for people like me.  At the time she was very young and just doing audition rounds.  I was struggling with my large unwieldy voice and my nerves.  She was probably in her 20s.  I was about 58.  Now, 10 years later (I looked at her resume) she has not only received acclaim for her world premieres, she seems to have an extensive resume of roles from Rossini to Wagner, both soprano and mezzo, and to top it all off she is no bigger than a size 8!!  (I know this not just by looking at her picture but because the stage manager was trying to find the right kind of skirt for her to wear in the performance.) Digging deeper (boy am I a glutton for punishment!) I read that she grew up with musician parents and spent every summer at a prestigious music festival, beginning with the age of four (sounds like the children of my choir director and his wife).  So this is my "competition".  Not for roles - I don't have that much hubris!! - but for attention, for getting to perform in free spaces, for audiences.  And people like her are everywhere.  And with each year that my singing technique improves, these people multiply and, say, go from A to M in the time it has taken me to get from A to D and I am between 30 and 40 years older than they are and time is running out!!  So again, it's really an issue of struggling to make myself believe that I matter. 

This *is* a New Year's Post

I tossed and turned last night worrying about my last post, that it was too much of a "downer" to end the year with.  I was even going to delete it, but when I woke up this morning I saw that it had already gotten 12 views, which means it must have been of interest to someone.  I was planning to make a real New Year's post anyhow, so here it is.


Last year's New Year's resolutions played such a large role in my therapy sessions, and were used as talking points for checking in, that I was surprised that yesterday she didn't ask me if I had made any; she only asked me what I thought about how my year had gone.

Well, I think I will do a preliminary draft of some resolution ideas.  There will be some overlap with last year, but the wording may be different.

1. Affirm that my number one priority is to make the end of my partner's life as happy as possible.  Cherish and savor every minute with her.  Rein in my temper.
2. Continue to build on the huge technical breakthrough I made this year with my singing.  This means singing "big girl dramatic opera rep", even if it's mostly in my bathroom and at lessons.
3. Admit once and for all that the "small opera companies" in the greater New York area are not for me, no matter how well I can sing - even if I sounded like Dolora Zajick next month.  And stop trying to "break into" the clique of singers who all have music degrees, went to YAPs, know each other, and have been working together for years.  They don't want me, I am not part of their peer group, no matter how good I sound.
4. That being said, keep an eye out at all times for other solo singing opportunities where I can use the big voice that God gave me (so I don't mean doing choral singing or singing the kind of "accessible" music in English requiring a more musical theater sound). It doesn't have to be opera.  It can be oratorio or art songs.  Of course if I can find a venue for throwing in an aria or an opera scene, so much the better.
5. As a continuation of 4, talk about myself and write about myself broadly.  I still believe there is someone out there who would find my whole "package" intriguing, even with all the imperfections and the lack of a traditional history (and the uncertainty of my "future").  Remember, there are guys who love girls with acne and scars (I hope this doesn't offend anyone). 
6. Since I don't seem to be able to have big things (which really hurts because I have a big flamboyant personality that loves the spotlight and never was much of a one for "subtlety") savor all the little things.  Find beauty and opportunities for creativity everywhere, even if I'm just taking the 135th photo of one of my cats, or putting the magazine with the prettiest cover on the top of the pile.
7. Continue looking for (and acknowledging the presence of) people who are not as well off as I am, in my immediate surroundings.  (Obviously I know there are hoards of people less well off than I am, even here in Manhattan.  They are just not part of my social surroundings.)  I am not being self-deprecating, but probably 95% of the people I know socially are better off than I am, and I am not talking about dollars and cents, although that would probably apply to at least 60%.  I am talking about doing meaningful work that energizes them, that is part of who they are, having a spouse or partner who does interesting and meaningful work, having a circle of friends that revolves around this meaningful work, and having gone to prestigious schools, had fellowships, etc.  So I need to focus on that remaining 5%.  Really talk to them and engage with them.
8. Make a marketing plan, if I have a date to perform somewhere.  Analogous to what I said in item 3, don't chase after the music lovers.  Many of them like me, but they will not be interested in a homemade operatic concert (certainly not after they've politely seen one or two).  
9. Set aside time to work on the non-vocal aspects of singing: translating, pronunciation, studying various musical styles.
10. Take more risks.  Particularly in letting myself be known.

So I will see where I am with these some time next year.

On a final note.  I realized that exactly 10 years ago today I went in a limo, with my leg in a cast, to sing "O Holy Night" at the Unitarian church.  Things were very bad between me and my partner and I was sobbing my heart out over The Mentor (who was away for the holidays).  So have I come a long way?  I sing 200% better and am not crying over anyone.  My knee is 90% healed (that is what the paperwork for my financial settlement said).  This year I am not singing any solos, but will be in aesthetically more pleasing surroundings, having a low stress evening.  And Epiphany (Spanish art song Heaven) is just around the corner!!!

Groping for a Resolution

This title, I see now, is actually a double entendre.

New Year's is almost upon us, and there is the pressure to make a New Year's resolution.  But what?  I have just about finished with the Artist's Way commitment. I mean, I believe that that program changed me forever. It is right up there with AA and the Well Spouse. Actually, a lot of what I learned from the Artist's Way is similar to what I learned from The Mentor: to make my life a feast for the senses even if my daily circumstances are not. I feel that I had made a lot of headway, particularly at Christmas. I knew I wasn't going to get any presents (and hence not give any, except to the needy) so I would have to find something else to do. I bought a small tree and decorated it, and got one for my partner. I put the expensive plaid sheets on her bed and made bean soup with red tomatoes and green basil. And I sang in a Christmas Eve service. Even though I wasn't a soloist (there weren't any), still, being a part of something that beautiful made Christmas Christmas.

I am trying to learn what my triggers are for getting depressed.  The first is spending too many hours indoors working.  So I made the choice to work no more than 30 hours a week, even if it means taking money out of savings.  In four more years I will be able to collect my full retirement amount from Social Security and if I add that to my earnings I will have almost as much as I had when I worked full time in a management position.

But today I realized another trigger, which is hearing what I call simplistic, dismissive,  "anything is possible if you want it enough" talk.  Someone posted something on Facebook saying "if you don't love what you do find another career" huh???  So I saw this just as I was telling myself to be grateful that I had a paycheck, a cheap and decent place to live, a small safety net, and that there were many people in this country now who had lost all of the foregoing, not to mention the many many people who never had it to begin with.

But every time I hear something like that I backslide spiritually.  I think: what's wrong with me? Why am I still trapped with dull work?  How did I end up here?  Am I a failure because I sit for hours cleaning up punctuation when what I dream of doing is strutting my stuff "out there" some way, some how.

I did all I could.  I got a year of career counseling.  I don't blame the counselors, or myself.  Repackaging a 60 year old with a time limit before her severance pay runs out, and eldercare responsibilities, in a bad economy, is not like redecorating your living room. It is something for which there is a slim likelihood. I was lucky there was work of any kind to be had, so I grabbed it - what they call "the low hanging fruit".

So now I am depressed again.

The Artist's Way tells me that it doesn't matter what I do for a living if that is not something that it is easy for me to change.  I can express the artist in myself in other ways.

So how does that translate into a New Year's resolution?  I think I'm a bit burned out with morning pages and artist's dates, although I think I take the latter from time to time instinctively now.

I am really really enjoying my new iphone.  I have made it a goal to photograph myself in every sexy outfit that I have.  So here are some shots in the drop dead red leotard that I wear to my Pilates class when everyone else is wearing black.

And my final bit of surprisingly happy news is that people love my "Angel" Youtube video.  One of my Facebook friends shared it with a lot of her friends.  It sounds lovely, although I sound like a lyric soprano, not a dramatic mezzo.  Well, I guess it doesn't matter what I call myself.  For me the world ends at A natural for the most part so anything that doesn't go higher than that I can sing.  I would post the video here, but I really can't trust random readers to understand how to put a positive spin on feedback.  I always am happy to receive constructive criticism but as I wrote here this seems to be a learned skill that is less intuitive than I thought. If you know me in real life (or online) and want me to send you the link, just give a shout.

Thankful Thursday - and Musings on "Location, location, location"

First "thankful Thursday".

The church where I sing posts a "thankful Thursday" prompt, and people can respond to it.  I am a bit shy of doing that, but I need to remind myself of a few things.

First, I'm alive.  I was reading a post on Facebook from a young woman whose mother died of breast cancer when she (the mother) was 10 years younger than I am now.  I am certainly now of an age when people die and although it might be considered tragic, it is not considered unusual.

Second, however depressed I often feel because of my lack of varied stimuli (I think this is at the crux of it - the fewer hours I spend alone in the house the less depressed I am), I have long since stopped feeling depressed by the holidays.  For years I got flak about why did my mother celebrate, and raise me to celebrate, Christmas, if she was Jewish?  She never really had a satisfactory answer, which made me feel put on the spot when I had to answer for her (and me).  Now that I consider myself a Unitarian (which for me is a mix of Christianity, Judaism, and Paganism - actually they would include Buddhism, but that particular tradition doesn't speak to me) I can celebrate any holiday I feel like, and anyhow, I'm a "high art" snob, so if I can sing church music I can decorate for Christmas.  I don't particularly feel sorry for myself that I have no family and will not get or give any presents.  Music and decorating are enough for me.  If I desperately need a sweater or more opera CDs I can buy these for myself.  So I am enjoying the holiday season quite a bit, actually.

Third, I have conquered four "tech" problems basically on my own, with only the help of company personnel, in other words, sans a "foreign language interpreter"! I took care of getting a new hard drive for my laptop, downloaded a printer driver from the Epson web site, reconnected my external hard drive, and got an iphone to replace my rinky dink cell phone.  The iphone did not come with an instruction manual but I figured out how to do everything except take decent pictures of myself.  Yes, it has a reverse camera, but I hardly look "hawt" if I am trying to take a photograph.  I have one set of facial expressions and body language when I'm posing/vamping and a totally different one when I'm concentrating on looking into a camera viewfinder.

For the second subject of this post...

I was asking myself whether watching the Richard Tucker gala on tv tonight would be inspirational or depressing.

I think what I find the most depressing is that I am literally in the armpit of Lincoln Center where the greatest singers in the world congregate to perform, and their successors go to school.  What role is there for a 62 year old with a pleasant large-ish voice in a limited range who can sing a handful of excerpts from great operas (cherry picked so that she doesn't get too tired), and some church solos?  How am I relevant?  Who cares?

Someone had said a while back that I should start a "community opera group", but there are probably 10-15 of these in Manhattan (and the other boroughs, but I would not want to travel outside Manhattan at night if I was not getting paid) and I have been rejected by all of them, except one that wanted to charge me $450 to sing a role.  (I wasn't insulted, I just don't have that kind of money, and if I am going to spend money, I would rather produce my own thing as a tax deductible charity event.)

It would be too self-piteous to blame it all on ageism, but what I do think is that no one is interested in someone obviously over 45 (I don't think I look 62....I'm 62 like Bette Midler or Bernadette Peters, not like an image of someone's grandma) who has minimal experience, no music-oriented formal education, and sounds, even at best, like she still needs a little polish.  (I think if I sounded exactly like I do now and was 27, people would be very interested, although they might instruct me how and where to get more polishing, and I think if I looked and sounded like I do now but had sung 20 roles over 20 years, people would also be interested, but the mix of my skills, age, and background are a nonstarter.)

So OK.  I can always produce something myself, and as someone said "if you build it, they will come".

What I really keep hoping is that someone will be interested in my story if not in my singing.

Before the day is over I promise to write to someone I know who writes for Classical Singer and ask her how to pique someone's interest.

A Happy Holiday?

I am very behind, because my computer crashed and was in the repair shop for two days, so I am behind with work at a time when a lot of other things are going on, but I felt a need to check in.

On the singing front, Sunday I am singing in one of the social outreach Christmas concerts.  I am down to one Nin song and one simple Spanish carol for solos.  Otherwise I am singing some Christmas carols, Chanukah songs, and seasonal pop standards with five other women, sometimes in 2 or 3 part harmony, with each of us having a solo line here and there.

I like the woman running the group but she and my teacher do not see eye to eye about vowels.  I tend to think my teacher is correct, because his take on vowels is similar to The Mentor's, and to a famous Met soprano who was the judge of a big aria competition (I got a grade of 55 out of 100, which certainly let me know where I stood - would probably do better now, but I don't intend to go back).

My teacher says all vowels are to be modified except "ee" and "oo".  Ah is Aw (although I can sing a pure "Ah" if I have to, certainly up to a G).  The killer is "eh" sort of like the e with an acute accent in French.  If you sing it pure it tightens everything.  My teacher, the Mentor, and the choir director all agree it should be more of a schwa sound with an open throat and a dropped jaw: sort of "eh" with a lot of "uh" in it (I hope I am making sense).  Well that is what this woman and I fight over.  I don't mean fight - I am happy to sing the vowel the way she wants, particularly in Spanish songs with a limited range, it just feels unnatural.

Anyhow, it is interesting to get a different perspective.  If I had been a conservatory student I would have been in a lot of these situations and would have had to sort things out and use different techniques for different things.

On the 16th I will be singing Wagner's "Angel" in the church service.  I sound so much better than I did five years ago the last time I performed it in public.  I could tell that the choir director was pleased.  And it will be - I hope - on the church's YouTube channel, which is a new thing for them.

I can also see how much easier certain choral pieces are, for example, Barber's "Sure on this Shining Night" which has a pianissimo high G in it.

I am going to sing "O Holy Night" in the mezzo key at an outreach concert on the 30th.  "The" night will have passed but we will be singing other carols, so it should be ok.  I will brace myself for more feedback about vowels.  I will also try to sing the top G (that's what the high note is in the mezzo version - in the soprano version it's a B flat) lightly, the way I sing the one in the Angel song.

The first Requiem rehearsal went well.  Really the only thing I'm nervous about is that big climax in "Liber Scriptus".  "Lux Aeterna" suits me like a glove.  I muffed a few notes in the ensembles, but will have time to work on them.  The most important thing is for me to be able to sing "against" the soprano and she plans to be at all the rehearsals.  I need to find a bass.  I never heard from my original one.

In other news, my partner and I made a calendar for ourselves out of old pictures from Ogunquit, Maine, our paradise.  Here are several photographs.  The last is where we want our ashes scattered, and I know we will meet there again one day.  In the meantime I hope we can go there for her 80th birthday.

Here is the entrance to our little studio.

Here's the lawn of the main house.

Here's the beach.

This will be our final resting place.


And she will be adopting a cat next weekend.

So our life is good, even without being able to afford presents.

Eve of My Recording Session

I haven't written much lately. I have been mostly focusing on trying to enjoy the life I have, which includes singing, but for better or worse is not spearheaded by it.

I have, however, been practicing diligently in preparation for tomorrow's (and Thursday's) recording sessions.

I am sounding much better than I did, even at October's concert. My upper register is darker and rounder, thanks to my being able to maintain the low larynx position. Sometimes it feels "straight", and as if I'm not going to be able to make it up there or maintain any kind of space, but according to my teacher it sounds much better than even a few months ago. It seems to be all about the low larynx position, the raised ribcage, and the buoyant midsection.

I seem to keep getting bigger around the middle and in fact have gained about two pounds since last year, but I am not going to worry about that now (although yesterday I was late to a party after trying on two pairs of pants and finding that they no longer fit me). When I began singing again at age 54, I promised myself that I was really going to give myself my best shot at this which I never had before. And this would include not starving myself and feeling weak around the middle, which seemed to make it harder for me to sing.

So here's what's on the agenda for tomorrow:

"O Mio Fernando" from La Favorita: always a good showpiece for me. OK, I sing only one verse of the cabaletta and a high A at the end, while I know some mezzos do both verses and add a crazy cadenza with a high C. But that is not necessary. The main issue here is not to let myself get tired at the end, which I shouldn't, as there are plenty of breaks.

"Amour Viens Aider" from Samson et Dalila: the long run going up to a high B flat and down to a low B flat seems to be OK!! I now find a B flat as easy to sing as an A (did I mention? I've been vocalizing up to a high C in arpeggios every day?) and my voice doesn't hit a "speed bump" above middle C when I come down that run.

"Stella del Marinar" from La Gioconda: I could sing this in my sleep. Now I wish I were singing it a little better (there are some spots in the lower middle register that I probably just "croon" through the way I did when I was 30) but it will do for now. I just need to come in in the right place in the recit.

Last but not least "Liber Scriptus" from the Verdi Requiem. This is sounding much better than when I recorded it before. The lower passages sound more "sung" and less "talky and squawky".

Tonight I didn't want to over-sing, so I just did the long run from "Amour" and the cabaletta from "O Mio Fernando". I was pleasantly surprised by how they sounded.

So wish me luck tomorrow!

In other news, I have a real audition in January. After that terrible experience with that Carmelites production, I stopped looking for audition postings. But this is something someone told me about, for a dream role. I don't want to say too much, until I know whether I got cast (either in that role or another leading role in the same opera, which is an older character, but for a voice that's lower than mine), but I am going to do this. My partner will probably be angry, so I am not going to mention it until after Christmas, which I want to keep pleasant for us (neither of us has anyone else to spend Christmas Day with anyhow). I tried to look online for information about this but couldn't find anything. I don't know, for example, if the opera is in concert. If it is, it would make me a more attractive candidate as my inability to easily walk up and down stairs would not be an issue.

Lastly, I am not singing a solo on Christmas Eve (the choir director says he doesn't want solos) but I am going to sing "Expectans" from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio this coming Sunday. He wants me to sing it in English, which is fine. Even not singing a solo, though, I am happy to be singing on Christmas Eve. I used to feel depressed about Christmas as a person with no religion and no money, but now I can be a Unitarian (albeit one who sings in a Lutheran church) which means I can celebrate all holidays or a melange of any that I choose. And the Lutheran church (and other people) are advocating abstinence from gift giving unless it's to people who are needy. It's nice to be in an environment where the spiritual message of Christmas (whether or not you think the birth of Jesus story is true) is what is important not the material one.

O Holy Night

I'm here finishing up supper preferatory to doing some singing and thought I'd take a break and post something, to shake off a funk I've gotten into.

I still have not recovered from my bad experience with the opera. Not that I believe I'm as unmusical as that conductor obviously thought I was, but because it has made me afraid to venture forth.

And just as I write that, thinking of the womb, aka my avocational choir, and whether or not to venture forth from it, I have to mention that the womb is heating up and getting quite crowded and competitive.

There's now a conservatory-trained coloratura soprano there, who is less than half my age. She is now the acknowledged "star" of the choir. When I started singing there, there was another operatically-trained mezzo struggling in the soprano section along with me (we had the highest voices in the choir, solely because of training, not natural tessitura). She and I had a strained relationship to put it mildly but I respected her, most particularly her seniority (in length of time with the choir, not age). And I would have said we were peers. Different voice types (hers got lighter on top, mine got louder) but more or less the same struggles with the various choir soprano parts. In any event, now she has moved on to another musical career entirely.

This young woman is quite nice, although a bit cocky, but then why not? She is feeling her oats. She likes singing in this choir but is out there fishing for paying gigs and has been somewhat successful. And of course as she is a real soprano she's got the Bs and even the Cs that I of course don't have. And no matter how good a second soprano I am, a second soprano is, well, second.

But back to "O Holy Night".

When I was a teenager I had what was my only paying choir gig. My local Unitarian church paid people in the neighborhood to sing in the choir basically if we could carry a tune and were willing to show up for rehearsals. They had paid soloists as well, but couldn't apparently find enough congregants to fill up the choir otherwise. At that time I was at the tail end of childhood Julie Andrews vocal glory because I was a heavy smoker, but I could still pack a punch on a high G, so of course I was in the soprano section.

Well, on Christmas Eve the soprano soloist got to sing O Holy Night, complete with the interpolated B Flat. I was so green with envy. But at least she was older. I could be her when I grew up, so I thought. (Ten years,and some 7500 packs of cigarettes later I was told I was a mezzo.)

When I was "discovered" at my own Unitarian church in 2004, that Christmas I sang Wagner's Angel song (chosen for me by the choir director) for the first time. The resident coloratura sang "O Holy Night". I didn't feel any competition, really. I was one of two soloists out of the entire church, on Christmas Eve which was a pretty high profile occasion.

The following year I sang "O Holy Night" on Christmas Eve, in a version given to me by the choir director where the high note was a G. The Mentor Who Will Not Be Discussed coached me to sing it. It went quite well, despite my leg being in a cast and my needing to be carried up the church steps.

One of my many sources of anger at that church's minister involved her total lack of acknowledgment of me as a musician. At one point at a party she referred to the resident coloratura as the "O Holy Night Lady". When I mentioned (in a later conversation) that I was hurt that she hadn't remembered that I was also an "O Holy Night Lady" because I had sung the song the second year she blew me off saying "well, I guess I didn't remember because it wasn't important to me.....I guess that's not how I see you" If the first diss put my nose out of joint, the second put me in a homicidal rage.

You don't say things like that to a diva.

Fast forward to the Lutheran church. The first year I was there I asked the choir director if I could sing "O Holy Night" on Christmas Eve and he said he really didn't like solos on Christmas Eve because he wanted room for several choir anthems. So I sang Wagner's Angel the Sunday before.

But he has had solos on Christmas Eve, just not any of mine. Miss Coloratura Kid said she and the choir director had "discussed" her singing "O Holy Night" tomorrow night but that he said no. But that he had almost said yes. Maybe. Who knows.

I could have been rehearsing my pitiful mezzo version of the song during my recent practice sessions but I just haven't felt like. Maybe I should leave that one to the real sopranos.

I spoke to the choir director about singing "Schlafe mein Liebster" from the Bach Christmas Oratorio some time during Epiphany. It's slow enough to sing during communion (the choir sings the offeratory and the preludes and postludes are instrumental only) and that time of year we can still sing Christmas music. It's a bit low for me (the perennial problem with this rep - the alto things are too low and the soprano things are either to high or in any event written for lighter voices).

And now that Coloratura Kid is there I just wouldn't feel comfortable singing any of the soprano material, even things I sing well (like the arias from the Messiah).

What I noticed also is now that she is there I would be embarrassed to try to put on a concert again there, like the Samson et Dalila. I don't know why. I guess because she's a real singer, a conservatory graduate who is auditioning in real venues for paying work, and who has friends who sing. She would think something like that was silly.

Well, I have spent enough time here, now. I am going to polish every note, every run, every word of "Schlafe". If I don't get to sing that during Epiphany at least I will have learned it and can look for another solo aria. If nothing else there's always "Et Exsultavit" for a 9:00 anthem.

Slowly Crawling Out

It's done. I resigned, and got a personally insulting email in response, but no arm twisting to come back (was I really that bad?)

I feel like I've really taken a beating and my confidence has been badly shattered.

There have always been areas in which I've had very little confidence: singing above a high A natural, singing softly above an E natural, worrying that I don't have the stamina I need, my lack of musical training.

But this conductor seemed to think I lacked musicality, and in a way that I could not perceive. I mean if I sing an ugly high note, usually I know, yes, that is what I have done. But what was wrong here? If I tried to sing legato he implied that I was schmaltzy and if I tried to sing without being schmaltzy he implied that I was mechanistic. And the worst part is that I didn't hear whatever it was I was doing that he didn't like.

The Mentor Who Shall Not Be Discussed used to tell me I had no sense of rhythm. He said I knew how to count, but that that was not the same thing. So is there some inner flow that I am lacking? If that were the case wouldn't I hear it? I've heard tapes of myself singing and all that I've noticed is that my lower register sounded "talky" rather than "singy" and that (this is mostly fixed) my voice had a big weak spot right above middle C. My high notes actually never sounded that bad on tapes, just loud, but not ugly-loud.

I just haven't had the heart for singing today but I made myself practice anyhow!! I worked on the second soprano part for something were singing Christmas Eve. It's mostly just middle register but there's a gratuitous throwaway high A in the middle (it only occurs once - the second time that melody recurs the second sopranos are an octave below). After working on the new exercises I was actually able to do this. (It remains to be seen if I can do it sitting during choir practice but who knows? Or the choir director may ask the seconds not to sing it.)

Then I took out Wagner's Angel, the only art song I've ever sung (I just don't like art songs unless they're sacred songs for church. Am I missing something?), because it has plenty of legato. I was not all that thrilled with how it sounded. I'm not sure what the problem is. I vocalized up to a High C and sang the ascending phrase from Aida (I now just consider that a mandatory exercise whether I work on the rest of the piece or not) which went like a house afire. And my pianissimo G on "nieder" sounded great. But I got tired and my throat kept getting tight, which I don't remember happening before. I've sung this song almost every Christmas in church one time or another (won't this year - have missed the boat) and always got through it fine although sometimes that G was full voice. Well, I'll take it to my lesson on Thursday. I am not in the mood for any music that's not seasonal right now.

It's funny. My mother was an atheistic Jewish Marxist but she loved Christmas, which she claimed was pagan. I have happy childhood memories of caroling, Advent calendars from the Met, and our beautiful ceiling high live tree.

I just want to wallow in Christmas now. My partner and I have been being nicer to each other, probably because now we're all we've got. She has no friends who spend the holidays here (they all have grandchildren elsewhere, or country homes) and no family, and my mother is dead. I will sing Christmas Eve and then sleep over. We have been looking for a restaurant where we can have Christmas dinner but haven't found one. Everything seems to be closed. Well, then, as I laughingly said, we can be Jewish and eat ethnic and then come back to her place and watch the marathon of Poirot.

Saturday I am going to buy her a little tree.