A Lesson at Last, Verdict on the CD, and A Few More Thoughts on Identity

Today I had my first voice lesson in a month. My teacher's wife had had the flu and he decided he didn't want students in the house. In the past if I went that long without a lesson I could feel tension creeping into my singing but I guess I am much more secure in my technique now, so that did not happen.

I tried something new (again) with the highest notes, trying to literally feel like I am vomiting them out. I remember having watched Leontyne Price singing at the Met when I was in High School (probably looking through my mother's opera glasses) and I noticed how wide she would open her mouth and how she would sort of lean forward, so I tried to imitate that. (I definitely got all my pianissimo techniques from watching her, even though I didn't put them to use until over 40 years later.)

Trying this technique I was able to sing a long arpeggio up to a high C and back and the note was more open and freer than it ever had been. Then I sang through "Liber Scriptus" and sounded better with the climactic section (it's only a bloody A flat) than I ever had as well. (If I can wail out that note, which comes early in the Requiem, I will be totally out of the woods for the rest of this great work and can enjoy myself.)

One thing I mentioned to my teacher was my disappointment that I have never had an "aha" moment that helped me with the highest notes. I feel that my singing, my stamina, the timbre of my voice, my breath control, in fact everything except those highest notes, keeps improving, but they are simply not a sure thing. My teacher told me that these "aha" moments usually come early in someone's technical development when suddenly they put things together. He says I am past that and that the problems I have with those notes don't really have to do with technique as much as with physiology (I may not have the God-given ability to extend my range as far as other people, even many mezzos), I started late (even 26, when I started the first time, was late and I had 13 years of smoking behind me at that point) so my muscles and cartilage were not that flexible, and that there is an enormous difference in how well I can sing up there between when I am tired and when I am not. Overall, I know that I get less tired. I can sit through a two hour choir rehearsal singing soprano (which means lots of pianissimo Fs and Gs) without getting tired, which had not been the case several years ago.

He also gave me his verdict on the CD. He said I sounded much better than in 2009, that much of the singing was lovely, that it was an interesting set in that I sang some unusual things (the Sappho aria, for example) and that the highest notes were not horrible, they just sounded "effortful" and not as good as everything else. We both agreed it is probably not worth spending money to "produce" the CD in any way, but that I should just get 20-25 copies to hand out to friends.

Lastly (and I had originally planned to devote an entire blog post to this) I feel I still was not really clear about the issue of calling myself an opera singer.

I posted a link to the blog post on Facebook, partly because I want more readers (and I write much better than I sing, and am still looking to spark someone's interest, like in Julie and Julia) and also just to get my perspective out there, and I still feel somewhat confused. My therapist tells me all the time I can't look for validation from other people, but I was told by some commenters that whether or not I'm an opera singer does have to do with whether or not other people think this. I mean of course I need validation from other people on some level. I need my teacher to tell me what sounds good and what doesn't, and what I should sing and what I should not sing, and I need to get a green light even just to produce something myself, for example, if I want to use the church space, someone has to approve it, because the church has a reputation as a music venue during its off hours. I think what she (the therapist) means is that if being an opera singer, even an amateur one who performs infrequently in humble settings is the most important thing about myself to me, then it doesn't matter if other people don't care about it and they think of me as a copy editor, or someone to talk with about what's on public tv or something in the news.

So what do I mean exactly when I say I'm an opera singer? I suppose I mean that the peak experiences I've had singing in operas or concerts, whether it was three years ago or 35, are moments that have defined me. And what was so devastating to me about my forays into the the Forum was that I felt these past experiences which were among the most important in my entire life were being trivialized and overshadowed by other people who would just ignore me. I hadn't realized how insignificant these experiences were in the scheme of things, and once I realized this, I felt very ripped off. I mean being an opera singer informs everything that I do from how I dress when I go to the grocery store to what I eat to how I sit to (I'm really working on this one), how I project and protect my speaking voice. The fact that I've had these, even sporadic, diva moments make me a tad less ordinary. Even before I started singing again I would often refer to these past performances and people would say, yes, I can see you doing that. It's as if those moments give me a glow, sort of like what one gets from great sex (LOL) that sets me apart from other women my age who sit hunched over desks, let their hair go gray, and have no charisma when they engage with people.

So I suppose all this boils down to the fact that whether or not people singing all over the country think I'm a real opera singer, the fact that I sing even the few times a year that I do says much more about me than what I do for a living. So I think what my therapist was talking about is that I can walk down the street with perfect posture and perfect makeup, and I can glow with star quality and that I can't let anyone try to take that away from me. Most people who see me in stores ask me if I am in the performing arts. No one would ever guess in a million years that I sit at a desk (in my tiny apartment no less) for hours and hours.

Starting Over with the Engineer

Just when I had decided to make the best of the recordings and cut my losses, I got an email from the sound engineer saying he is going to try to re-work them. I told him not to do anything with "Amour", because it sounds perfect, but to have another go at the others. He thinks the problem with "Acerba Volutta" is that he added too much "reverb" (I think I know what that is but couldn't tell you if you asked me). It also turns out that the reason the high note in "O Mio Fernando" doesn't sound good is that he sent me the wrong version. That was one of the arias I had sung on the day I wasn't feeling well for which we did not splice in anything, but then I sang the cabaletta over on the second day and the engineer was supposed to splice that in. He said he did, but did not send me that version.

He is going on vacation but should have the new files to me by mid-February. So when I get the new files, I will post any here that I think are good.

Last night I watched and listened to Anna Bolena on PBS. The role of Giovanna Seymour is one that I struggled and squawked my way through sang with the "opera underground" when I was a quasi-anorexic 28-year-old who was only two years away from her last cigarette. I had actually auditioned to sing Smeaton but that role was given to someone taller with a lower-lying voice. (My voice is not particularly low for a mezzo, it's just "short", either naturally or because I started serious singing late - and by late I'm not talking about starting again at 54 I'm talking about starting in essence for the first time after I quit smoking at 26). I had no business singing that role, but they couldn't find anyone else (that company had a few heavy Verdi mezzos but the director didn't see them in that part either vocally or otherwise). Back then there really were not that many people who wanted to do this kind of performing on an amateur level which is why despite my singing badly I got quite a few opportunities.

Last night's singing was glorious. Anna Netrebko is one of my favorite sopranos. She didn't get the ovation she deserved, probably because she didn't take the stratospheric note at the end that Beverly Sills made her trademark, but her voice is much richer and has more color. And Ekaterina Gubanova as Giovanna displayed a warm, rich voice that sailed effortlessly and smoothly up to a high B and was able to sit there - something that I would cut off a finger to be able to do. (I can hear my teacher saying that she probably is not really a mezzo and that someone like Giulietta Simionato, whose voice is much more like mine, would not be able to do that. She had a great high B, but it was of the spine-tingling scream variety.) This is opera at its grandest. I wish I could take the essence that is grand opera (larger than life, colorful, and full of sex and violence in beautiful surroundings) and find a way to take a tiny drop of it, well distilled, to sprinkle over my oh too mundane life.

In other news, yesterday I emailed the pianist about the opera audition I had been to. He said he thought the roles were cast but they might need a cover. I would be willing to do that as it's only a few blocks away and rehearsals are 2 hours on Saturday, but not if I would also have to sing in the chorus. It's too much music to learn for no money and no "star" time. At least if I'm a cover I would probably get to sing one of the roles in a rehearsal, which would be like getting a free coaching, and at best I might get a performance.

Prelude to Some Links

I got the sound files back from the engineer. Six of them (four of these the ones I made on the day I was not singing well, which required splicing) sounded good. Two from the day I was singing well did not, which really upset me. Whether or not I sing as well as I would like, I can tell by how it feels most of the time if I sound good or I don't. Especially with high notes. Either it spins or it doesn't.

When I asked the engineer if he could make fixes to the ones that did not sound good (in the past, he seemed to offer to make fixes ad infinitum) he wrote me a nasty email saying that there was nothing he could do and that sometimes I don't really sing - I just scream.

Let me make one thing absolutely clear: No one gets away with insulting me that way and stays in my life. Constructive criticism is one thing (e.g., "that didn't sound good, you should do it over for the recording" - which he actually said a few times on the day I wasn't feeling well - or "I don't think that aria is ready to be recorded, why don't you choose something else" which would have been fine too) but an insult that has no counterweight and is not a gateway to a problem-solving process is not acceptable.

I am almost afraid to write any more, because I was feeling depressed. If my "good" singing isn't even good, what's the point?

I think a place to start is to send all the files to my teacher, including the bad ones, and ask him what he thinks.

One thing the engineer did say was that on the second day he had me stand farther away from the mike and that also I was moving around more. The latter is probably true. Although I was feeling good, I was very nervous as a result of how badly I had sung in the first session, and I know moving around keeps my nerves under control and helps me sing better (and looks good onstage - moving during "Condotta" in my concert made the aria come across as exciting and dynamic). So should I have been wearing a body mike? I am not well informed about those things and thought that he was.

So we left it that he would put everything on a CD and then "call it quits". That was my phrase, which could be interpreted two ways: either we wouldn't do any more tweaking with the files that don't sound good, or we would call our relationship quits, at least for a good long time. That's too bad, in that I have known him since I was 14, but he was a friend of my mother's not of mine, really (I mean he is much younger than she was - he's probably in his mid 70s).

Then he wrote back and said he would try to make some improvements to the "bad" files. I hope they sound good enough that I can have a CD with eight arias on it to sell at the church, but if not, I can have six decent mp3 files to post here and there.

Some day I may have to be nothing but a church soloist singing things that never go above an F or a G, but that day is not today. I mean I love church music and I have enormous respect for the church where I sing (which is why I made a donation to them) but I am not Christian, and I am definitely not virtuous! (I am finished with monogamy as a lifstyle for starters, which is not the sort of thing I usually post here, but it exemplifies why I am happier as a Pagan with some Christian edges than I would be considering being Baptised!) And I ain't ready to give up shaking my booty, tearing my hair, chewing up the scenery, and being a drama queen. Which I can't do in a church.

ETA: I removed all the sound links from this blog. Someone made a nasty comment (there's a difference between constructive criticism, which is balanced, and nastiness, which wipes a person out totally) This is a good object lesson that I need to be selective in whom I solicit feedback from. My teacher tells me what does/does not sound good, which is different from basically saying I should throw the baby out with the bathwater.

I Got My JuJu Back!

I guess all it took was a full night's sleep. Two.

Today's recording session went well. I would say I sang close to my personal best (which is not perfect). The engineer said he had never heard me sing that well on the other hand he hasn't heard me that often.

First he wanted to test the equipment, so he asked me to sing the loudest thing I would be singing. So I said "why don't we do the coda from the Sappho?" And if I like it, we can use it. So I did and it went well.

Then I sailed through "Acerba Volutta", at least in terms of the ending with the high A. I did make a mistake in the middle section "Verra? M'Obblio", so I did a do-over and we will splice it in. Fenena had no problems although I can hear that I sound lovely until I get to that high A and then it's just loud. But it had topspin on it and the run coming down must have been ok or the engineer would have asked me to do it over. Then we went back to Sappho and sang through the piece and did the coda just for the heck of it. I don't think the high note was as good as the first one, but I told the engineer he could pick.

Last but not least was "Mon Coeur" which I know like the back of my hand. I decided that rather than singing the ending with an F, I would just not sing the ending at all. It is written for Samson not Dalila, so I don't see why I shouldn't just skip it.

Then we had some extra time, so I decided I wanted a do-over of the end of the Favorita cabaletta "Scritto in Ciel" so I sang the last page and sang probably the best high A of the session.

I am still smarting from having had problems with the Laura and the Verdi Requiem pieces, but we have good notes to splice in and I just have to chalk Tuesday's problems up to the fact that I had been sleep deprived.

So this reinforces that I need 8 hours of sleep (shouldn't be a problem since I almost never have to set the alarm in the morning), and that I have to keep the floor around my computer desk dust-free. If I hadn't had all that sinus drainage from the dust, I wouldn't have used the nose spray and I'm sure that that is what kept me up in the middle of the night.

The "Muscle Milk" helped too.

So now I can enjoy singing my solo (the mezzo aria from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio) and also singing with the choir in a Magnificat written by the choir director this Sunday.

Then I am going to live Laura for a few weeks (am still thinking of a strategic time to tell my partner about that audition). That probably means re-working the aria. This is a role I sang 31 years ago when my voice was smaller. My teacher (and the engineer, now, as well) keeps saying I sing much better even than I did two years ago when I did the Dalila, but the thing is my voice is bigger and requires more strength to support, so singing is not easier although it sounds better when it's good.

Then if nothing comes of my January audition, I will dive into the Verdi Requiem.

Now I need to get back to work (my livelihood work) and then I will put up my small artificial Christmas tree with the cat-proof ornaments.

Whither, If?

Although I know I will be mostly happy with the recording, the way I sounded yesterday was a wake up call that I need to make some serious fixes (I can't think what right now, as I feel I am going in the right direction technically, the problem is that it doesn't "stick" under adverse conditions) or rethink my goals.

There is no reason for me to give up singing, even if I never again want to sing anything above a G in public. There's lots of lovely church music for altos and mezzos that I can still sing well, probably for a long time.

I don't like art songs. I know there are people who love them, and I don't want to offend anyone (one thing I learned from my bad experience with the pseudonymous blog was that apparently there were instances in which I thought I was writing about my feelings - or, less often, my opinions - and other people thought I was being heavy handed and "laying down the law" so I need to tread carefully), but I find them "academic" in a way that leaves me cold. Opera appeals to my gut (it's about sex and violence, after all, with lots of cleavage permissible, even for middle aged characters and beyond) and church music appeals to my soul. I am never cerebral about music.

I also don't see myself as a musical theater singer or a cabaret singer. My mother and my partner were always at me about doing this, but it's just not my style. Now I do love musical theater and go to see it often (less so recently as I don't have a full-time salary), but other than throwing in a "legit" MT number into a concert at the end, I have no interest in singing it.

What I had hoped to be able to do was sing arias and scenes from operas in concert with other people, but the fact that I sang two pieces badly, which are pieces I never had trouble with before, really frightens me.

I think my voice is changing.It is much bigger, fuller, and more operatic, but I seem to lack the stamina to carry that sound up. Just to be clear I don't "push", except on those top notes when I feel I am not going to make it. So the problem is not that I am dragging too much weight around. I still often feel like I am going to break in half in the middle, which is absurd, as I have put on weight there, but I still feel like there's not enough brawn there, despite the Pilates. I listened to an old recording of my singing O Mio Fernando and the top note has plenty of spin on it. Actually, I think the middle register will sound better on the new version, but this one is pretty good.

I didn't like the old version of Liber Scriptus and do think the new one (with the spliced in high note and subsequent low notes) will sound better. In the old version you can hear register breaks and a huskiness on the bottom.

But this is disturbing nonetheless.

I have the notes, or I wouldn't be able to sing them at all.

It seems to be the ability to recall "muscle memory" under stress that is the problem.

Some of it might be respiratory but why now?

This morning I think I identified one of the culprits - the mounds of dust kittens under my desk. I am pretty assiduous about vacuuming (I use the sound of the vacuum to muffle my warmups so I do a lot of it and I also hate seeing lint on my navy blue rug) but I had been afraid to vacuum or even dust amid the wires connecting the various parts of my computer. So this morning I bit the bullet and took a wet paper towel and got up the dust.

Is there something "going around"? It's definitely not a cold. Although my partner has had a phlegmy cough that has lasted for at least three months, with no other symptoms. She has been to several doctors none of whom can find anything else wrong. I don't have a cough, but I have had sneezing and rhinitis off and on for a while. Many of the vocal problems I had in the concert were caused by the dry air in the room which seemed to bother me more than the other people.

I am not going to give up yet (although I am now really scared about tomorrow's session - will I be able to get through "Acerba Volutta"? an aria I used to sing well enough in auditions to get a brava if not a role) but I want something in my back pocket for a Plan B.

I keep seeing postings on Facebook about "loving the life you have" and being grateful before it's too late.

But there has to be something.

I Have Some Serious Concerns - But I Will Have a Nice Recording

Although my cough and laryngitis are gone, I continue to have problems with nasal allergies (to what, I have no idea as I have lived six decades without any) and sinus drainage. My primary care doctor prescribed fluticasone, which is supposed to help this without the rebound affect of nasal sprays. It seems not to agree with me. I took it last night to stop endless sneezing and blowing my nose, and something (a side effect?) kept me awake for two hours in the middle of the night.

So when I went to my recording session I was very tired.

My warmup went well. I still am vocalizing up to High C every day and I sang the treacherous long run in "Amour Viens Aider" and that sounded good.

But from then on it was downhill all the way.

What I want to stress is that I will end up with a good recording because we got a really good take of every difficult phrase with a high note (except for one, where we decided to go with what we had and not isolate the phrase and splice it in), but what is upsetting was my inability to sing any of those notes decently even in pieces that I have sung well all my life, like "Stella del Marinar".

Overall, I know I am singing better. But I seem to be much more prey to fatigue (the panic is an old story) and it's harder to make a decent sound up there. I find that I can sing more reliably on a B flat (it's been a long time since my throat closed up) but if the B flat is 30% better, the A is about 30% worse. We're talking about notes that are the climax of a phrase. Probably the worst note was the A flat in "Liber Scriptus" which is really scary, as an A flat for me has always been no big deal.

I mean the whole scenario with the recording was the sort of thing that sapped my energy before we even began.

The first thing the engineer wanted to do was see what was "the loudest" phrase I was going to sing, so we went right for the run in "Amour". The first time it sounded fine, then not so. So I felt off to a rocky start. When we did the aria itself it sounded so-so. The engineer (who in the past never commented on my singing) said it didn't sound good and that the run coming down sounded "sloppy". So I did it over and he really liked it so we will splice it in.

I thought I had my energy back up for the Favorita aria, but again, I just didn't have enough oomph for that high A at the end. Listening to the recording, I decided it was good enough (it sounded a little "straight" but I did a nice portamento down from it).

But then things got a lot worse.

I started "Stella del Marinar" and then the engineer said his equipment wasn't working properly so we started again in the middle. I think I was just very tired, very "off" in terms of my body. So we did the ending separately. Now this is an aria I have sung well every time I've sung it. Now this one is not a sure thing. Really nothing any more is a sure thing. I feel like I'm back to square one. Not with everything but with these top notes. I just don't have the energy to make then spin. I never know when they're going to be ok and when they're not. It's like once I get above a G (in the past I would have said an A) all my technique goes out the window, time and time again.

Basically the same thing happened with "Liber Scriptus" although the engineer said the whole thing overall sounded good.

I think my voice (up to a G) has fewer holes and weak spots in it than it did two years ago, but the top notes do not sound as good, and this makes me so angry and distraught as I have been studying and studying and when they sound good, actually they sound better than two years ago but my body is less reliable.

When I complained to the engineer about getting tired he said "well, that's because you're old". I don't think he meant to be mean, he was just being factual.

And my teacher said the same thing. I called him up and he said a lot of this is that as we get older we lose muscle mass, cartilage flexibility, etc., and so this is something I am fighting even as I am working hard in the studio.

I just feel afraid now to do anything in public except sing church solos in a limited range, but I don't want to give up.

Church solos are nice, and I always sound professional singing in that limited range, but I am not a church singer personality. Or that is only part of me - the same part that reads Victorian novels and watches PBS Masterpiece, and snuggles with my cat.

But I am also a drama queen, someone who doesn't want to behave and be quiet and wear a black dress with a high neckline.

Well, I won't give up. I will go to sleep, be quiet all day tomorrow, go to choir practice and rehearse my solo (my teacher said this was ok) and then face Thursday's recording session fresh.

And then to January's audition. And I'm going to sing the mezzo solos from the Verdi Requiem somewhere somehow.

And not take any more Fluticasone.

Eve of My Recording Session

I haven't written much lately. I have been mostly focusing on trying to enjoy the life I have, which includes singing, but for better or worse is not spearheaded by it.

I have, however, been practicing diligently in preparation for tomorrow's (and Thursday's) recording sessions.

I am sounding much better than I did, even at October's concert. My upper register is darker and rounder, thanks to my being able to maintain the low larynx position. Sometimes it feels "straight", and as if I'm not going to be able to make it up there or maintain any kind of space, but according to my teacher it sounds much better than even a few months ago. It seems to be all about the low larynx position, the raised ribcage, and the buoyant midsection.

I seem to keep getting bigger around the middle and in fact have gained about two pounds since last year, but I am not going to worry about that now (although yesterday I was late to a party after trying on two pairs of pants and finding that they no longer fit me). When I began singing again at age 54, I promised myself that I was really going to give myself my best shot at this which I never had before. And this would include not starving myself and feeling weak around the middle, which seemed to make it harder for me to sing.

So here's what's on the agenda for tomorrow:

"O Mio Fernando" from La Favorita: always a good showpiece for me. OK, I sing only one verse of the cabaletta and a high A at the end, while I know some mezzos do both verses and add a crazy cadenza with a high C. But that is not necessary. The main issue here is not to let myself get tired at the end, which I shouldn't, as there are plenty of breaks.

"Amour Viens Aider" from Samson et Dalila: the long run going up to a high B flat and down to a low B flat seems to be OK!! I now find a B flat as easy to sing as an A (did I mention? I've been vocalizing up to a high C in arpeggios every day?) and my voice doesn't hit a "speed bump" above middle C when I come down that run.

"Stella del Marinar" from La Gioconda: I could sing this in my sleep. Now I wish I were singing it a little better (there are some spots in the lower middle register that I probably just "croon" through the way I did when I was 30) but it will do for now. I just need to come in in the right place in the recit.

Last but not least "Liber Scriptus" from the Verdi Requiem. This is sounding much better than when I recorded it before. The lower passages sound more "sung" and less "talky and squawky".

Tonight I didn't want to over-sing, so I just did the long run from "Amour" and the cabaletta from "O Mio Fernando". I was pleasantly surprised by how they sounded.

So wish me luck tomorrow!

In other news, I have a real audition in January. After that terrible experience with that Carmelites production, I stopped looking for audition postings. But this is something someone told me about, for a dream role. I don't want to say too much, until I know whether I got cast (either in that role or another leading role in the same opera, which is an older character, but for a voice that's lower than mine), but I am going to do this. My partner will probably be angry, so I am not going to mention it until after Christmas, which I want to keep pleasant for us (neither of us has anyone else to spend Christmas Day with anyhow). I tried to look online for information about this but couldn't find anything. I don't know, for example, if the opera is in concert. If it is, it would make me a more attractive candidate as my inability to easily walk up and down stairs would not be an issue.

Lastly, I am not singing a solo on Christmas Eve (the choir director says he doesn't want solos) but I am going to sing "Expectans" from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio this coming Sunday. He wants me to sing it in English, which is fine. Even not singing a solo, though, I am happy to be singing on Christmas Eve. I used to feel depressed about Christmas as a person with no religion and no money, but now I can be a Unitarian (albeit one who sings in a Lutheran church) which means I can celebrate all holidays or a melange of any that I choose. And the Lutheran church (and other people) are advocating abstinence from gift giving unless it's to people who are needy. It's nice to be in an environment where the spiritual message of Christmas (whether or not you think the birth of Jesus story is true) is what is important not the material one.

Singing "Around" Respiratory Problems

This is something all singers have to learn how to do.

Fortunately, in the almost 30 years that I have been a nonsmoker (I quit for the first time in 1976 when I started being serious about singing the first time, then started again, then quit for good in 1982)I get a serious respiratory "thing", maybe once every five years.

However I do get minor ones, usually not anything that people "catch" - just a bad reaction to bad air, allergens, and so forth.

I spent the weekend doing some heavy cleaning at my partner's house which is full of dust and then did her laundry. When I went to clean out the dryers there was enough lint in them to make a blanket, and I started wheezing like crazy.

When I woke up yesterday I thought I was choking and really thought I would be too hoarse to sing. But I began feeling better as the day wore on (I had some hot tea with lemon and a lot of cough drops) and when I went to try a practice session at 4, I sounded just fine! The only place I noticed a problem was in that pesky lower passagio (for me that means the E and F at the bottom of the staff), where it's too high to sing in chest voice (for me, anyhow) and my voice has very little volume on the best of days.

This morning I felt a little better (I also took some Mucinex) but there was a point when I was talking on the phone that I thought I was choking. So I had more tea with lemon and more cough drops, and gargled with some warm salt water, and called my teacher about my lesson that was scheduled for 4. I told him what was going on and he said by all means I should have a lesson, if I was able to sing yesterday, and that he would take a listen to see if I needed to make some adjustments.

Well, he agreed that I sounded a little breathy in the lower passagio (he said I sounded like I used to in that range, a year or more ago) and that my highest notes sounded like they didn't have "room", but he also said that technically I am handling the high notes much better. He also said that singing sometimes causes the phlegm to break up.

We went through Fenena's aria, because I had not been happy with how that sounded, and he gave me some pointers, mostly about keeping my larynx down, which is mostly what he tells me over and over, and if I can do it, I sound better. What's interesting, though, is that now, even if some of those top notes don't feel great (they still feel "tight") he says they sound a lot better because I am singing them darker. After Fenena we went over "Amour Viens Aider" and I did quite well with the B flat. In fact in both arias I did well with the descending runs, which are tricky. Even though I was having trouble around the passagio I didn't have that feeling I was hitting a "speed bump" around E at the bottom of the staff, which I used to.

Speaking of my teacher himself, he is feeling mostly recovered from his surgery and is able to sing full voice again. He says he might be interested in doing the Requiem in March (I still haven't spoken with the Pastor about it) and asked me to email him a list of which sections I want to do (basically all the solos arias, duets, trios, and quartets that don't need a chorus).

So now I just need to focus on stay in good shape for my recording date on December 6. Once I'm done with that I am going to ask the Pastor about using the church during Lent.

Second Rehearsal for Recording

Today I had my second rehearsal for the recording, courtesy of my "Angel".

Some things went well, some not.

So here's the recap.

Sappho's "O Ma Lyre": Voice worked well, but boy, am I off with some of the notes. There's a first and a second verse and there are some small differences, particularly in one place, so I need to drill that. Also I am not counting strict time. I took a lot of liberties with the rhythm when I sang this in the concert in 2009 and probably if I'd had a rigorous coach to go over it with, that would have been nipped in the bud. The good news is the coda with the B flat went really well. So I went through the verses again and tried to clean some of these things up (didn't sing the coda more than once - no need),

Acerba Volutta: Didn't sing it what I would call my "personal best" - the high A at the end was a little tight, but I think it was in that new, dark place and I did a nice portamento down from it. My lower middle register sounded weak (nothing new) and no, I don't barrel into chest voice on that F natural on "l'attesa". (Neither does Dolora, but her voice is bigger in that range than mine is.) But I was spot on with all the entrances and the coach said I had that aria "set".

Fenena's aria: This was the biggest (unpleasant) surprise. It's just a two-pager (and much nicer than "Va" IMHO, which has been done to death by conservatory students) and looks deceptively easy. There's a run at the end going up to a high A and coming down almost two octaves, but unlike the run in Dalila's "Amour Viens Aider" this has to sound "pretty". I choked on the A on the first go around and did a "do over" which sounded great, but I need to get it right in context. I think I need to apply that low larynx position that I've been using so successfully on other things, with this. I haven't sung it at a lesson in several years (must bring it to the next one). The coach had never heard it and said she really liked it and thought it was "elegant".

Mon Coeur: Lovely as always. When I was done singing it, the coach said "Brava". She agrees that I don't need to belittle myself because I don't sing the B flat at the end. I'm fine with the one in "Amour" because that's a big battle cry, but I can't sing it softly and sweetly and if I bellow it it will ruin the mood, which is so so hot!

After we ran through those pieces we did a little work on the Requiem. It is coming along. I thought I sounded good in the Salva me and the Recordare. I'm fine with middle C and B, which I can sing in chest voice. It's on Es and Fs at the bottom of the staff where I sound wimpy.

So the first recording session is supposed to be December 6. I am so excited. And of course the great thing about recording is that if I don't like something I can do it over and splice it in.

Optimistic Again

I had quite a week! My computer's hard drive died and I took it to the repair shop (I would recommend going to "The Geek Squad" at Best Buy - there's one three blocks away from me - over spending hours on the phone with someone in the Philippines or India working for Dell) so I had two days when I was unable to work and last night had to stay up until 2 am finishing a project.

So I used the time to sing!

I had had an appointment anyhow with the accompanist to rehearse what I'm putting on the CD, so I kept it.

She hadn't heard me sing in several years and said how solid and secure my upper register sounds. I sang "Amour Viens Aider" with the B flat in the run, "O Mio Fernando" from Favorita, "Stella del Marinar" from Gioconda and "Liber Scriptus" from the Verdi Requiem. Afterwards we still had some time so I sightread through the Kyrie, Quid Sum Miser, Recordare from the Requiem. I can see that musically I will have my work cut out here. There is nothing that is difficult to sing (true, I haven't gotten to "Lux Aeterna" yet!) but it will be a bear to learn. But I can learn it. I am not a musician (meaning I don't read key signatures or understand chord structure), but I am an auditory whiz and if I listen to the recording and pound my line on the little keyboard it will stick in my head forever. And I am determined to sing this because it is a great piece, I love it, and it is something to have in my pocket.

I used one of the days I wasn't working to get further with the sections I had sung through with the pianist and I see they are coming along. This is something that will get done if I put in some time on in several days a week (I want to have it ready by January). And a lot of the work doesn't involve singing, just saying the words out loud in time, and pounding on the keyboard when I'm playing the recording.

Overall, I am singing much better even than I did at the concert. Going back to simpler things (and what isn't simpler than "Condotta"?) they sound very different. During one of my practice sessions I went through "Acerba Volutta" (probably my all-time favorite aria to sing) and the Sappho aria with the B flat at the end.

On the choral front, I am doing very well with the pianissimo high A flat. We are singing the piece Sunday and I think I will be one of about four sopranos. The star coloratura will not be there. I know what to do, so I just need to do it. The rest of the soprano part is in a low tessitura so that is definitely the part I need to be singing.

The not so good news is that by the end of last Wednesday's choir practice although my voice was still surprisingly fresh, my brain sort of imploded and I came in in the wrong place in another piece we're doing (because I had the book open to the wrong page).

Lastly, here is a photo from our concert!!

CD

I was not thrilled with how I sounded on the CD. Some of what sounded bad, especially on the upper notes, was the result of distortion, but not all.

I will say that overall, let's say from middle C up to the G below high C, my voice sounds bigger, rounder, and more even. I sound like a real professional operatic mezzo. But the notes above that just sound like screaming. Singing up there sounded more pleasant, say, in 2008 when I sang Dalila, on the other hand the rest of my singing was not as good. My teacher said that. He said I mostly sort of crooned, and then saved my energy for a couple of top notes, which were still not easy for me. So there has definitely been progress. If I felt things were going in the wrong direction I would get another teacher. Things are going in the right direction - the problem is they are going in the right direction so slowly, and I'm not a 21 year old conservatory student or even a 31 year old with a big dramatic voice that hasn't gotten itself together yet, I'm bloody 61!!! So the fight to improve my technique, my stamina, and my confidence is racing against what the aging process is doing to my body.

And I have so little time, not just in the long term sense, but in the day to day sense. I have to earn a living, and so much of the rest of my time is taken up with eldercare. I don't have a circle of musical/performing friends with whom I can share these activities as part of my discretionary time - I am taking care of someone elderly, which entails not just doing chores for her on the weekend but also meeting with social workers, sending emails back and forth, etc.

So aside from an 30-60 minutes a day of practice, my choir commitments and my voice lessons, anything else has to be squeezed into the nooks and crannies and it's not enough.

Two years ago I had more confidence. I went to auditions (the only one that yielded anything ended up with my spending $450 on "tickets" to sing three pages of music, which the director hated, so I walked out - I don't mean in a diva huff - I wrote to the director to say I wasn't coming back). Now I just don't see the point. I wouldn't have time to participate in an intensive rehearsal schedule even if I did get something and the likelihood of my getting anything is almost nil anyhow. I used to mostly go to auditions for the thrill of getting dressed up and singing in front of people but I just don't have the heart for it any more.


My therapist of all people suggested that I go to a "Meetup" for singers, so I went intermittently, but the people there are so much more polished and even if they aren't making money singing (and never will) they are
out there performing big roles even for a fee or no pay and they sing for agents and they all know each other and give each other encouragement. I feel like I am so far below everyone on the food chain that I don't matter, which makes it hard for me even to sing my best, and it becomes a downward spiral.

The woman who rented me the space to do the concert and who was so encouraging and complimentary is having soirees and hosting master classes, but I just don't have the heart to go to any of them. I feel I will have to argue with my partner about taking the time and spending the (minimal amount of) money, that I will feel like a worm because I don't sound as polished as most of the other people and don't have a future in which to become much moreso.

Well, I sang well at my lesson and overall feel I am singing better than I was several months ago.

So I will look forward to making my CD.

Letdown

Well, it was bound to happen - the post-performance letdown. And I wasn't even all that ecstatic about the performance (the soprano I sang with made a CD and sent it to my teacher, so I can hear some of it Thursday at my lesson, I guess).

The lovely woman who runs the studio (and who has dedicated her life to helping singers) has now set up several "soirees" where people can get up and sing. It's funny. Two years ago I would have jumped at the opportunity to do something like that but now I just feel intimidated from all sides. I get no support at home (my partner was amazingly supportive of the concert as the day drew near, but she will think "enough is enough") and the people who would be there with me would make me feel like wallpaper. That's what happened when I went to those meetups. People were polite but kept their distance. I simply didn't interest them and that was obvious. And I'm not even talking about attracting the interest of a manager. I'm talking about being taken seriously. So then there would be a negative feedback loop and I would be nervous and/or depressed and wouldn't sing well.

In addition to these soirees this woman plans to sponsor master classes and when they're over, to give a concert and invite managers. Well, no manager is going to be interested in me - I would just be taking up space that could better go to someone else.

It's just all so disheartening.

So I need to focus on the positive. I am going to have a CD made at no charge by my mother's sound engineer friend. He is taking me to lunch at the end of the month and we can make a plan. Arias I plan to record are:

Do over

O Mio Fernando (La Favorita)
Stella del Marinar (Laura's aria from La Gioconda)
Liber Scriptus (Verdi Requiem)
Amour Viens Aider (Samson et Dalila)


New

Fenena's aria from Nabucco
Acerba Volutta (Adriana Lecouvreur)
O Ma Lyre (Gounod's Sappho)
Mon Coeur (for my friend from adolescence who encouraged me to do this in the first place)

And I need to start learning the Requiem

The choir director seemed to think I would need to "rent" the church to put this on but said I should ask the Pastor. She came to my concert and seems to like my singing, so she may let me use the church if I put the concert on during Lent and give the ticket takings to whatever charity she would like.

An Angel

I've always felt that one thing I lacked was frequent, high level, recordings of my singing.

As with photos, the issue is, of course, the cost. And as I only work part-time, and singing is "only" a hobby an obsession, I feel guilty about every penny I spend and feel that those I do spend have to go to lessons, coachings, music, CDs, and so forth.

The last Christmas my mother was alive, she paid a friend of hers who is a sound engineer to record four arias for me. He came to my coach's studio and set up his equipment. I recorded "O Mio Fernando" from La Favorita, Laura's aria from La Gioconda (that's the best one, and it's what I have here as my profile sound clip), Dalila's "Amour Viens Aider" which I do not like at all now, and "Liber Scriptus" from the Verdi Requiem, which I used to like, but which now sounds harsh and bare, not to mention that with my 60 year old eyesight I misread the phrase "nil inultum" as "nilli nullum", which is what I sang.

Well, in my current impecunious state I had given up all hope of ever making another recording, but then a woman I had been friends with as a teenager, whom I reconnected with on Facebook, said she wanted a recording of me singing "Mon Coeur" and offered to pay something toward the cost. So I emailed the sound engineer and asked what he would charge to record several new arias (my goal would have been to put them on a CD with the others to sell at the church). Well, he told me that he would not charge me anything!!! not only for recording new material, but that he wanted to re-record the old material because he now had better equipment!. He said partly he is doing this because he just inherited money and feels there is no need to charge me. That in and of itself has restored my faith in humanity.

So I am now going to get 8 arias recorded.

This will be my next project after the concert.

I am so excited!

I will have the CD, and new mp3 files, and then I can make copies of the CD and get someone to tell me now to design an insert for it with a picture, etc. and sell it at the church!

So now I just have to sing the concert first!