Requiem: Further Musings on a Loss

The loss of this coach has hit me very hard, much more than I expected.  I didn't cry over the news, the way I did the day I heard that my 91-year-old violinist colleague had died, but that was a different situation.  I truly loved him and saw him dwindle day by day.  I regretted that I hadn't visited him one last time.  But it was not a shock.

I suppose much of this is about "why is she gone and why am I still here"?  She had a musical career that I can only dream of (it wasn't a big career, but she was always in demand playing for operas and concerts, usually ones in which the singers are not paid but the pianist is) and she had amassed quite a few regulars coming to the studio for coachings, myself among them. So she got to do what she loved on a regular basis and had the respect of her colleagues.

And then there is the mother/daughter thing.  That's a touchy subject with me.  One thing I have to remember is that however bad my relationship with my mother was, most of my friends and acquaintances' relationships with their mothers was as bad or worse.  I think it's a generational thing.  Mothers born at a certain time, even ones who fancied themselves as "enlightened" (meaning in my mother's case that she used the "F" word all the time and talked about sex in a clinical manner in a loud voice in public places) were still quite authoritarian (as in "my way or the highway") and didn't know how to respect their adult children as separate people.  The women I know who are under 45 have an entirely different kind of relationship with their mothers.  They can be different from their mothers and that's ok.  Their mothers are interested in them instead of trying to control them.

I know this is childish and pointless, but I really do think if I had had a different kind of mother (and a different kind of school environment, and different peers - or maybe none; my coach's daughter who is a rising young mezzo was home schooled) I might have done something with my musical talent.  I know character is important, and I probably lacked it until I was well into my 30s, certainly, but most people's successes or lack of it involves a synergy between the person's character and temperament and their environment.

My coach and her daughter adored each other.  As I said, this young woman was hand groomed to be a singer from childhood, but I never got the feeling that she was pushed in a way that she would resent later.  One sign of this was that she was independent enough to go abroad after graduating from Juilliard (which doesn't seem to offer as much to singers, as, say, Manhattan School of Music does, as a case in point, the woman in my choir whom I call "Little Miss Conservatory" has nailed a high profile mentor at MSM whereas my coach's daughter never did at Juilliard).

So again, the question is, why is she gone so soon and why am I still here?

Don't worry.  I am not feeling suicidal.  I couldn't imaging killing myself.  Things are not that bad; there are many things I enjoy in the moment: singing well, reading, going to museums, my favorite tv programs, cuddling with my SO and my cats, to name a few.  It's just that things are not that great either.  In addition to having a perfect life, I always was in awe of my coach's sense of wonder at how things turned out.  She was always not just happy or positive, but "elated", a mood I am almost never in, or if I am, briefly, all the much of toomuchness of twenty-first century New York, particularly here in the lee of Lincoln Center, comes crashing in on me.

In a strange kind of synchronicity, the night I heard the news about my coach's death, Verdi's Messa da Requiem broadcast on Channel 13.  I listened to the beginning, then my SO asked me to turn to something else.  I got to hear "Liber Scriptus", but not "Lux Aeterna".  I think we changed the channel at the point that we had had an intermission in my concert; after the big ensemble ending in "Amen".

I was underwhelmed by the men, for the most part, but of course my eyes and ears were on Michelle de Young who was the mezzo soloist. She sang well (not as impressively as some of the mezzos I have on recordings) and looked stunning. Her very long (bleached no doubt) blonde hair hung in tight curls, her makeup was more for the balcony than for a closeup, and she had on a black lace dress.  As I have said before, I covet all that as much as I covet being able to sing a work like that in a large venue with an orchestra and chorus behind me (no, I would not be interested in being a chorister in a large venue unless I was paid; I turned down an offer to do that several years ago).  It's funny, my partner said she looked "trashy", which I suppose is understandable.  She is obviously over 40, and her hair was obviously bleached and not a length recommended for "professional women".

On a more positive note, go me for being able to hear (and remember) most of the mezzo line when they were all singing together.  I am not a natural harmonizer and certainly had to drill, drill, drill, my part so as not to get distracted by the top.  Which is one reason I am grateful to have been singing with that church choir for all these years.  If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have had the musicianship to sing the mezzo line in the Requiem.  

What I wish now, is that I could find some "takeaway lesson" from this loss.  I am not sure what it is.  Interestingly, at  my last lesson (which went superbly; the big breakthrough I made has held, especially in new art songs and church pieces; too bad I am not 20 years younger with all the big girl rep ahead of me to sing well, instead of behind me with memories of singing it badly) my teacher said that what I did over the past ten years has been important: taking care of my mother (even thought I did not like her) at the end of her life, and now taking care of my partner.  In the eyes of God, doesn't that mean more than having (had) a singing career?

Requiem Went Well

Today's Verdi Requiem concert went well.  I let it rip with "Liber Scriptus", was solid on all the ensembles, and got through most of "Lux Aeterna" pianissimo,  except for that top G, which I sang full voice, but everyone ended together. I really felt that I held my own with three other experienced singers, two of whom are working professionals.

My only disappointment was that there weren't very many people there, but the people who were there were very appreciative and we got a lot of applause.

My partner was there with the visiting nurse, and she was genuinely happy for me and said I sounded great.

The sound engineer (with whom I have had so many ups and downs) recorded it, and he said this was the best he had ever heard me sing.  (And we have had many ups and downs, as I have written about.)

So now my goal is not to get depressed.

I will be singing "Qui Sedes al Dextram Patris" from the Bach B Minor Mass in the Spanish service at 3 on Good Friday.   I am only a chorus alto in the Brahms Requiem in the big evening service but how I will look at it is that this is a major work, and if I can say I have sung the alto part, this is something marketable.  And actually the alto choristers sing quite a bit on their own and having me there will noticeably beef up the sound.  (I have worked a lot of my lower register for the Verdi and now have a usable low G.)

The two solos have gone to the two new young people from the big conservatory.  The woman singing the soprano solo is only 20!!! and her singing is near perfect.  She has a voice like silk.  And she is not a very light soprano.  Her voice has a lot of maturity.  It's when I hear someone like that that I feel tremendous despair.  I don't feel despair when I listen to the soprano who sang with me today.  She has a spectacular voice but she is a few years younger than I am and has been singing all her life.  But to feel that someone who is 20 (this is someone one third my age!) already has a handle on such vocal perfection and I have so far to go, makes me want to cry and cry and cry, and believe me, I have.  I definitely feel everything is moving in the right direction (other people say this, so I can believe that it is true and not just my perception) but it has taken me almost nine years now and I still am not secure with the top notes, and my voice still has "grit" in it (my teacher says some voices are like that - I think of Callas and Agnes Baltsa, for example).

I think what made me feel so sad at the last choir rehearsal was that when this young woman finished singing through her solo (and she just sort of tossed it off, really sitting there in jeans looking unprepossessing) everyone in the choir looked bowled over.  And I realized that there is nothing I can do that will ever ever ever elicit that kind of response.  Certainly not from that crowd.

So now I have to think about my next project.

For church solos, since there is a new crackerjack violinist there (he is a paid staff member who teaches music to the children and is the boyfriend of the young soprano) I was thinking of "Domine Deus" from the Vivaldi Gloria, which I sang in the past with the elderly violinist who has since become too ill to play (or even to listen to music - it is telling that he was not there this afternoon). That is quiet enough for communion, but the words are upbeat enough for the Easter season.

And then I'm hoping the two of us can do the Bach "Laudamus te" in the summer (something else I sang with the elderly violinist).

But for a big project.  Originally I was going to do a concert called "Viva Verismo" as a sort of companion to the "Viva Verdi" but I have lost interest in it.  There are too many people who sing that sort of material better.

Maybe excerpts from Hamlet?  I am going to buy a score, because I think the role of Gertrude will be perfect for me.  She is an age appropriate character who also has a lot of sex appeal and the music is very lush, and sits high-ish, but I don't think goes above an A or an A flat.

Or some kind of song recital (with someone else - I am not interested in, nor do I have the stamina for, singing one by myself).  I have really quite fallen in love with Spanish art songs, and I also have started looking at the song cycle by Jake Heggie with words by Sister Helen Prejean.  And maybe throw in a a few gay 90s songs, which my partner loves so much.

My therapist (who did come to the concert, by the way) was talking about how if you can't get into something through the front door, you have to use the back door.  So if no one is going to cast me as Azucena, or even La Zia Principessa, I have to find something else.

Because when all is said and done, although it would be wonderful to be able to sing through a role like Azucena in a full scale production, all I really want is that applause.  I have a very magnetic stage personality (that I have been told by dozens of people).  So I just need to find something that no one else is doing.

First Rehearsal Debriefing

I should be working (I have a mountain of work here) but I wanted to write something about how the first rehearsal went.

I was extremely nervous about "Liber Scriptus" but it went well (not that I can take that for granted - I will have to psych myself up for it every time!)

Everything, in fact, went well, until I totally imploded on "Lux Aeterna".  In simple English, I got tired and this not only affected my singing (I really had to push that G out) but I lost my place in the syncopated ending.

In fact I was so tired I literally felt like a limp dishrag that had been wrung out.  Like there wasn't enough glucose getting to either my brain or my muscles.

The tenor, who is also a voice teacher, said some nice things.  He said my singing was "clear" (yes, that is one of my strong suits....I have perfect intonation and don't "muddy" the voice like a lot of mezzos).  He also asked me about being tired, asked where I was tired, and I said mostly around the midsection, certainly not my voice, so he said that that meant I was singing correctly.

So why do I get so tired?  It's  not age.  I actually get less tired than I did singing in my 20s or even when I began again in my 50s.  When I go to a doctor for a physical I always get a mostly clean bill of health and I don't have any vitamin deficiencies.  I eat a healthy diet and get a lot of sleep.

I don't "exercise" other than going to Pilates class once a week (although like all New Yorkers I walk a lot, including up and down subway stairs).  

Now I never was a night person, which is probably one issue here.  I eat my last substantial meal of the day usually by 6 (earlier if I have an early rehearsal) and after that there's really no fuel left for me to run on, although I did bring a carton of "muscle milk" to the rehearsal.  I mean historically I have always done my socializing in the afternoon: lunch, matinees, etc.

Even though the problem is with my whole body, not my vocal cords, once the support conks out it is harder to sing correctly, to spin the voice out with that  light buzz.  And I rely more on "push".

Again, it's the question of not having the "something extra".  If I weren't doing something like singing that requires superhuman stamina, I probably would never notice that I was tired, although if given a choice, I would opt for the 3:00 not the 8:00 curtain if I want to see a performance.

Better

I thought several times about deleting my last post but decided to let it stand.  On the other hand, I felt it would be unfair to let that hang as my most recent post, which is the reason for this one.

I am feeling a little better than yesterday.

I think I have to give some credence to the fact that yes, I do have a very depressing life, and it takes its toll.  I have many blessings, things that many people don't have: a nice apartment in a nice neighborhood for very little rent, good health, people who love me, people who like me, good looks (people are always asking me if I'm an actress, which is nice), talents.

On the other hand it is very wearing to spend all day editing medical manuscripts and then have to be constantly dealing with the problems of someone elderly, ill, and often disagreeable.

Most people I know who are my age have a lot more fun than I do and it isn't because they're more imaginative and more optimistic people.  It's because they either have another breadwinner (helpmeet) in their life or they have no one and can do what they please, they do something for a living that fulfills at least some of their spiritual needs, they see, hear, smell, taste, and experience a much broader range of things than I can right now.

But I am going to have my Requiem.  I am going to do what I can to neutralize my fear about that note in "Liber Scriptus" (it is a bear of a note: you have no set up time) and otherwise I am going to enjoy myself.  This is a huge opportunity even if it is one I organized myself.

And I am going to sing "Qui Sedes" in the Spanish Good Friday service and sing an art song called "Asturiana" by de Falla on "El Salvador Sunday".

I will live to strut my stuff another day.

In Search of Awesomeness

If anyone's interested, I have given this blog a subtitle.

At today's therapy session I decided, that despite my dislike of young people's slang, what I really am looking for is more of a sense of "awesomeness".  I can't think of a better word.

For example, someone with my level of/lack of technical vocal expertise might be thrilled to be singing in a prestigious chorus in a work like the Verdi Requiem in a prestigious venue.  I most decidedly would not, unless I were getting paid as much as I make now working as a copyeditor.  I definitely care more about visibility than I do about venue.

The more I think about it, the more I wish I had been born in a small town.  I remember one of the biggest "ups" for me was when I went to Port Aransas, Texas to hold auditions for my play Duet, and demonstrated for the women auditioning how to sing "Mon Coeur S'Ouvre a ta Voix".  People literally fell on the floor.  They said they had never ever ever stood next to anyone with a voice that size with that type of sound.  Hey!  I could do with a little bit of that on a weekly basis!

But for someone who grew up here, what is there?  I have a rent regulated apartment around the corner from Lincoln Center, and unless something goes awry, they will carry me out in a pine box.  Not to mention that there is no small town I could move to where I wouldn't need a chauffeur, which is rather a sad commentary on the lack of public transportation options in most of this country.

My therapist suggested that maybe I might feel better if I found a place to sing outside of New York that was accessible enough that I could come and go in one day at minimal expense.  I rolled my eyes.  I would have to go very very very far afield to find someplace where my singing of "Mon Coeur" or anything else would be considered special or awesome.

Although that is not entirely true.

One of my intermittent sources of frustration with this high level avocational choir (which I only sing in because most of the time I feel that it "matters" if I am there or not) is that the only opportunities for awesomeness seem to fall to high sopranos or men (the latter because there are so few of them).  What would be awesome a propos of my voice (that it is huge and basically drowns out all the other women even when I'm singing mezzo piano in middle voice) is only an annoyance to people not a crowning glory.  And the odd bits of this and that that I can do better than anyone (for example hold a G above middle C for 24 counts without sneaking a breath) mostly pass by unnoticed.

But getting back to my moment of awesomeness, even on the Upper West side.  Two years ago, after having white knuckled it through the 8th or the 9th solo bit by the woman I have referred to as the "Young Coloratura" in various choir pieces, I set myself the task of finding something to sing with no high notes, not even any "mezzo high notes" (Fs and Gs) that was totally awesome.

What I came up with was the alto cantata "Erfreute Zeit"

http://youtu.be/Dpj5N9lTnHM

and someone in the audience  congregation came up to me afterwards and said "Babydramatic, that was  awesome."

So yes, it's still possible.

My therapist asked me what I do when I feel depressed, angry, and frustrated that other people (in  my immediate surroundings, even virtual ones) are being/perceived as "awesome" and I am not.  I thought for a minute and said "I work harder".   I guess that's just another spin on my mother's "Don't mourn - organize!"

So it's back to "Liber Scriptus".  Yesterday I had 6 out of 7 good runs with it (I kept re-singing the difficult passage because the first time I sang it the piece had gone a half tone flat for some inexplicable reason.)  So today I will try again.  "Lux Aeterna" shouldn't be a problem.  I will breathe where I need to, sing that G as loud as I need to, hold if for 3 counts, and then decrescendo.

My therapist also said we needed to work on my awesomeness.  What would give me that rush?  (Being dressed up with a ton of stage makeup helps, and I love my new hairdo, which is basically the old one courtesy of lots of little rollers instead of a perm, which looks bigger, curlier, and flashier, and is probably better for my hair.)

And she said she will try to come to the concert.  I hope that helps with nerves.

Don't Mourn - Organize! (2)

Well, let's say I am feeling a little better about the choir situation.

First of all, the choir director is a truly sweet person.  I actually don't think he has any idea how put out I am over the lack of available solos (as part of choral pieces) for mezzos (or heavier voiced sopranos, or altos).  Now I am not sure whether this is an artefact of the pieces he chooses, or whether this is true of choral pieces in general.  Most great works (Bach, Mozart) have solos for four voice parts, although the Brahms Requiem does not.

In any event, the first thing I did was speak to the pastor who handles the Spanish services and ask if there was a Spanish service on Good Friday.  He said yes, there is one.  So I offered to sing "Qui Sedes", which he said he thought would be good (most of the people who attend those services were raised as Catholics and are used to hearing Latin) but that I would have to ask the person who plays for the service.  So I have emailed him.  Than I asked the choir director about that piece (I also had "Fac ut Portem" at the ready).  The choir director said in fact the only day he had free was the 17th, which is "El Salvador Sunday" (that's something specific to this church, which has a sister church in El Salvador) so he said the "Qui Sedes" might be ok but that it would be better to sing an anthem in Spanish.  I said the only Spanish sacred songs I currently had were for Christmas so he said he would try to find me something.  Then he asked was this ok if I was busy with the Verdi and I said yes, because an anthem for communion would only be 3 or 4 pages.

He said he would let me know by Wednesday.  I also told him I might sing in the Spanish Good Friday service but that "if he needed me" to "help out with the alto chorus part" in the Brahms of course I would.  If I get the spot in the Spanish service I will flog it to people I know who are involved with Spanish speaking communities.  They are not Lutheran but they might want to come as would people who speak Spanish and might want to hear me.

Among the soloists who sang today was a young woman (she is only 20!) who is a conservatory student.  She sang a solo from the Bernstein Mass and what can I say?  Every note was perfect. How does one achieve that?  Even after all these years, in addition to my entrenched problems with range, nothing sounds perfect.  Beautiful sometimes (if I stay in the middle of my range), exciting, often, but totally polished?  No.  I think it's the difference between a voice that was built (like the voices of conservatory students who began singing as teenagers) and a voice that has been massaged, which is how I would describe mine.  Even the first time I studied seriously, I was already 26, a former smoker and drinker, a New Yorker with a loud abrasive speaking voice, someone who had "fooled around" singing things like "Condotta" in my early 20s....   I mean I have come a very very very long way since then. I have even come a very long way since that Valentine's Day, but it is not enough.  My range has not expanded, but the notes that I do have sound better.  I no longer have a break above middle C, I can sing Gs, A flats, even the occasional A natural softly, and have phenomenal breath control singing Bach.  The sides of my neck no longer get tired.  I don't conk out at the end of a 90 minute choir rehearsal.  But I still don't have that much confidence.  I don't have even the equivalent of a "semester" of performance classes behind me.  The things like that that I went to intimidated me and anyhow, particularly with my partner's declining health, it is not something I can justify doing.  I still have yet to pick up the solfege book, and have not studied languages beyond looking in a German or Spanish dictionary to translate what I am singing.  And forget a "fitness routine"!!!  How would I possibly squeeze it in?  I am lucky if I can squeeze in enough hours doing my work for pay and then practicing.

I really really really want to make this Requiem a success.  I have drilled and drilled and drilled all the ensemble pieces and I have worked on "Liber Scriptus" and done everything I can think of not to blow that top note.  I would say I have about a 98% success rate with it. But it wouldn't hurt to keep praying.

Don't Mourn - Organize!

That being said, I really really need some cheering up.

How does it happen?

I had a nice weekend, and was looking forward to working on the Requiem and fixing some of the trouble spots, and learning a new church solo, and then Monday I got a call from my SO that she had taken a tumble on the pavement.

Fortunately she was not seriously injured, which was amazing as she's 78 with brittle bones, but she was unable to even open a pill bottle for about three days, so I ended up sleeping there for two nights that I hadn't planned, and lost a lot of time from work.  Not to mention that my wheels started spinning - "Suppose something like this happens the day of my concert?"

When I mentioned saying prayers for my concert, one thing I was praying for, in addition to being able to sing well and overcome my nerves, was that if God willed it, there would be no crisis that would draw me away, perhaps leading to my having to cancel the whole thing.  Our close friend (the only one who is really reliable) won't be in town the weekend of the concert and no one else is reliable, so I wrote to someone who I think handles pastoral care at the church.  I have seen them set up tag teams of people to help with the frail elderly and other people in need.  I am not strictly speaking a member of the church, but because this concert is a fundraiser for the church, maybe this man will find me someone who could take care of my SO if she has a crisis and needs to be taken to a medical facility.  Obviously if it were an immediate matter of life and death I would want to be there, but quite frankly, if it were just something like a broken ankle, I would not.

Every time something like this happens it is just so draining.  I lose time from my livelihood, which means that I have to cram work into every nook and cranny and can't move forward not just with my singing (I always see that I practice some even if it's just to vocalize) but with other projects or just brainstorming about how I can make my dull life more colorful and glamorous.

And...

I really feel passed over again for Holy Season.  I don't think it's deliberate (if I did I would be out of there - probably not to audition for paid choirs that would turn me down because I don't sightread, or sing straight tone, blah, blah, blah, but to another "convenience sample" choir that is more talent poor than this one has become).  I think there are not a lot of choral pieces with solo bits written for mezzos. Whatever it is, most of them seem to be for high voices or for men.  Whether it's Brahms or Moses Hogan.

So once again there will be two soloists for Good Friday - not me.  I mean these solos are in the Brahms Requiem which does not have anything suitable for me, but still...

I can't believe that I have let this spoil my excitement about the Verdi.  And I was excited, even though I'm constantly nervous that I will blow the top note in "Liber Scriptus", because my name is on a flyer that is sitting on a table in the back of the church.

I mean come Hell or High Water I am going to find a solo to sing during this season.  I wrote to the choir director about "Qui Sedes" with the oboe accompaniment.  If he doesn't like that I will find something else.  But why is it always me that has to pick these things, and then chase him around and nag????  It would be really really really nice to have him pick something, preferably for a high profile service, and then come up to me and say "I would really love it if you would sing this."

Which led to my having an unusual insight.  I have sung quite a few solos there, but never one with the choir intertwined - except once when there was a solo quartet singing with the choir.  (For example when I've sung the Mozart "Laudate Dominum" I have sung the solo version.)  And I realized that I think that is what I would like best.  To be out in front with a crowd behind me.  To feel like a star, the center, the focus.

Well, if the Requiem goes well I will be happy (I really really need to work work work my tail off, although I'm not sure what to do about nerves - I know I can sing the bloody passage in "Liber Scriptus" I just don't trust that I can.)  Then I can pick out the most glamorous looking black dress or what you will to wear on Good Friday.  I have lots of lace and velvet and I can put a big flashy sparkly ornament in my hair and wear my diamond earrings.

And after the Requiem I will do some serious research and look for some choral pieces with mezzo solos (aka "soprano 2" solos, "soprano" solos that don't go above a G, or "alto" solos that sit near the middle of the staff and at least go up to an E flat).

Countdown to the Requiem

I had hoped to write something yesterday, as yesterday/today  is the ninth anniversary of that fateful Valentine's Day, but I couldn't think of anything.

The Requiem is now really really happening.  Flyers are made, and there will be an announcement on the church's web site as well as on its Facebook page.

I said more prayers that I will be worthy of this endeavor.

This is the biggest thing I have done since the concert of Samson et Dalila in 2008. I am singing better now, but have far, far less chutzpah.

Back then I thought just the fact that I could slog through the role of a femme fatale, wearing a pretty dress, made me special.

Since then I have been rejected by every single no-pay "community opera group" except one that wanted to charge me a hefty fee (at least that was for singing a lead) and another whose director cast me in an infinitesimal role and then used me as a punching bag, so I walked out.

I see that everywhere I turn, in this city and especially in this neighborhood, I am drowning in young talent with conservatory degrees and apprenticeships, and women 15-20 years younger (which still makes them in their 40s) who are totally polished, with several decades of singing in my fach behind them (and conservatory degrees and apprenticeships, back from the "dark ages").  So this has shaken my confidence.

At the last rehearsal I fell on my face with "Lux Aeterna" which has now given me two things to worry about (that I will worry about the A flat in "Liber Scriptus" is a given).  In "Lux Aeterna" I not only have to sing the phrase with the G, I also have to concentrate on counting so that I stay together with the two other people.  Well, I have done things like this in the choir.  I just have to drill it over and over and over, with the recording.

Putting God back in it helps.  On Ash Wednesday we were invited to write "sins" (or something else) on paper, which would be burned with the palms that they use to make the ashes.  So I wrote to "banish fear and self-doubt".  I don't really believe in "sin",   unless I am doing something hurtful to other people.  I believe that I sin when I lose my temper at my partner, but that's about it.  I suppose my fear and self-doubt is a sin of sorts.  God gave me back this gift and even if the person who lit the spark was often more Mephistophelian, I can't just walk away from it.  This is something I am doing for the church.

Lent has begun.  For me it will be a time to ramp up my practice of my art, which is, after all, a spiritual practice.

And now, I see, it is now longer "today".

Lent Again

I haven't written anything for a while; I have wanted to bask in all the positive feedback I have gotten from "Angel"

http://youtu.be/CfCejvnM_aE

which now has over 90 hits!

And I learned from a tech savvy friend that the ticker only counts ip addresses, not viewings, which means that 94 different people have viewed it.  Also, the church Facebook page notes the number of hits, which I hope has impressed someone.

The Requiem is coming along.  I am really able to hold my own with three opera singers whose voices are bigger than mine, which is certainly a change of pace from choir.

Really the only thing I am nervous about it the A flat in "Liber Scriptus" mostly because you sing for three pages with no break and then have to sail up there.  An A flat is not a very high note in my voice.  I have retooled the piece somewhat where I use some of the control that I use to sing, say Gs or even the G sharp (same note!) in something like "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth", which I don't find at all difficult.

It seems the only part that doesn't sound good is the "Agnus Dei" which sits in my lower passaggio break.  The first part is a capella and I was going flat.  So I need to put more chest into it and not worry that it will "spoil" the "Lux Aeterna".  Or the pianist can play the first part instead of our singing it a capella.

Technique continues to improve (I have found ways to take the weight off those top notes and make them spin - by which I mean A flats and A naturals and once in a while a B flat, although with the B flat I still have to sing a lower note first) but I still lack confidence. Well, for now all I have to worry about is that note in "Liber Scriptus".  The piece comes early on, so if I don't mess it up I can enjoy the rest of the performance.

I am hoping for a big marketing blitz starting in March, in tandem with the church.  Other than that I don't know what I will be doing.  Apparently the congregation that so aggressively took over our Good Friday service last year is not singing with us at all on Ash Wednesday.  We can certainly hold our own. There is one piece I find musically difficult because the accompaniment is the tenor line an octave higher, which makes it hard to sing the soprano line.  I drilled it at my little keyboard one day this week so I hope I don't embarrass myself at rehearsal the way I did at the first read-through, where I got totally lost.

I wrote to the choir director about finding a spot for "Qui Sedes" with the oboe accompaniment during Lent (Maundy Thursday would be my first choice) but haven't heard back from him.  I hope he does at least something to flog my Requiem.  There are supposed to be fliers out on Sunday.  If I don't see them I will speak to the seminarian who is supposed to be handling this.

I have no idea what will be on the table for Good Friday but whatever it is I will be my professional self and follow instructions.

Requiem Update and the Power of Prayer

First, just let me say that I have gotten my Requiem bass.  He is a friend of my teacher's, whom my teacher was hesitant to recommend, because he wasn't sure this person would sing for free, but the soprano had suggested him at our last rehearsal, so I asked my teacher for his contact information, got it, sent an email, and the bass responded saying "Any friend of [my teacher] is a friend of mine" and that yes, he would love to do it because he thinks he might be singing the Requiem with an orchestra soon, so this would be a great chance to run through it!

So you never know how people are going to react.

So this Requiem will have two professional singers, one experienced avocational singer with a stunning voice, and me.

I can be very proud of myself.

Things are falling into place.  The marketing will be happening (Lent event flyers, church bulletins, newsletter, church Web site and Facebook page), and people at the church are really excited about it.

I mention prayer because as I said in an earlier post, before I embarked on this project I got down on my knees and prayed.  It seems strange that this daughter of two atheists believes so strongly in prayer, but I do.

I prayed for God to bless this endeavor, that it was for me but it was also for the church, a chance for people to hear a great sacred work during Lent, and money to feed hungry people in the neighborhood.

I still know there's many a slip twixt the as they say.  People get sick, plans change, my eldercare situation could throw me a curve ball.  But I can't think about those things.  I have to believe that if God wants me to sing this I will.

And a woman who is a well known voice teacher sent me a friend request on Facebook, which of course I said "yes!" to.  I am extremely flattered and have no idea what made her think of me.

Starting My Day Over

I really really need to start my day over.  This was going to be a nice day: I could stay at home and work (I have enough work to see me through the middle of February) and then run through some sections of the Requiem.

I had said that my "default" New Year's resolution was to cherish and nurture my self-esteem.

So I should know never, ever, ever to spend too much time around the Forum.

I am herewith taking a self-imposed break from it until further notice.

I don't need to feel crappy about myself because I am an "amateur".  I am trying to move on.  How many people sing professionally for a living anyhow?  What will all these people be doing when they're 60?  I think of my poor teacher who get less than a pittance (one third of what my partner gets, and she gets a pittance) from Social Security.  Half of these people who think they're so superior spend more time office temping and bar tending than they do singing, so who are they to look down on me?  (I should say here that a few of the people who post things there are voice teachers, and they are usually helpful.)

It's not worth feeling like garbage just to get more blog hits, which is why I went back to reading the Forum anyhow.

I need to think of a new place to try to link this blog to.

So how do I clear my head and start over?

1.  I had a really good practice session yesterday.  I think the "retooling" I have done with "Liber Scriptus" has "jelled".  There is a new (old?) saying:  "Don't practice it until you get it right, practice it until you can't get it wrong."  I am hoping this will apply here.  Also I sang through the "Kyrie", "Quid sum Miser" and "Recordare" and was spot on with the notes. Today I will work on "Lachrymosa" "Domine Jesu," and "Agnus Dei".  I don't need to work on "Lux Aeterna" right now because I don't have a bass, and anyhow I know that cold.
2. There is a singer who reads this blog who says he finds my story "inspirational".  This is a real professional singer who earns his living singing.  He says he has shown this blog to students and YAPpers.  He took the time to tell me he liked my Youtube video of Wagner's "Angel".
3. My partner is being less obstructionist about my singing.  She said she told several of her friends she is "proud of me" because Sunday I sang an entire church service in Spanish including a solo anthem and all the liturgy.  So what if I didn't get paid?  People say the classical choir I sing with is better than many of the paid choirs.
4. I will find a way to Maureen Dowd this bass who dissed me by not even having the courtesy to tell me he wasn't interested in singing in my Requiem.  (Anyone who reads the New York Times will know what that means.)  I may not be a professional singer, but I am a professional wordsmith and I have a very nasty tongue if I am provoked.

I am a bit concerned that the soprano has not answered my emails re: whether she will be at the rehearsal Thursday.  (The tenor said he had a conflict, but I know he is serious about doing this.)  I know that this soprano will never let me down.  She is a friend of my teacher's, we have sung together before, and she often does pay to sings (she sings as well as or better than many professionals BTW).

So now it is in God's hands.  When I first embarked on the plan for the Requiem I asked God to bless my endeavors.  I knew it wouldn't be easy (singing it is the easiest part - the highest note is an A flat), but I know that God would not have brought me this far, from being discovered 9 years ago at the age of 54, singing from a hymnal in the back of a church, just to dump me.

So now it's time to get to work.  On my to do list is to contact the church administrator about "marketing" the Requiem in the church's publicity materials for Lent.

A Happy Holiday?

I am very behind, because my computer crashed and was in the repair shop for two days, so I am behind with work at a time when a lot of other things are going on, but I felt a need to check in.

On the singing front, Sunday I am singing in one of the social outreach Christmas concerts.  I am down to one Nin song and one simple Spanish carol for solos.  Otherwise I am singing some Christmas carols, Chanukah songs, and seasonal pop standards with five other women, sometimes in 2 or 3 part harmony, with each of us having a solo line here and there.

I like the woman running the group but she and my teacher do not see eye to eye about vowels.  I tend to think my teacher is correct, because his take on vowels is similar to The Mentor's, and to a famous Met soprano who was the judge of a big aria competition (I got a grade of 55 out of 100, which certainly let me know where I stood - would probably do better now, but I don't intend to go back).

My teacher says all vowels are to be modified except "ee" and "oo".  Ah is Aw (although I can sing a pure "Ah" if I have to, certainly up to a G).  The killer is "eh" sort of like the e with an acute accent in French.  If you sing it pure it tightens everything.  My teacher, the Mentor, and the choir director all agree it should be more of a schwa sound with an open throat and a dropped jaw: sort of "eh" with a lot of "uh" in it (I hope I am making sense).  Well that is what this woman and I fight over.  I don't mean fight - I am happy to sing the vowel the way she wants, particularly in Spanish songs with a limited range, it just feels unnatural.

Anyhow, it is interesting to get a different perspective.  If I had been a conservatory student I would have been in a lot of these situations and would have had to sort things out and use different techniques for different things.

On the 16th I will be singing Wagner's "Angel" in the church service.  I sound so much better than I did five years ago the last time I performed it in public.  I could tell that the choir director was pleased.  And it will be - I hope - on the church's YouTube channel, which is a new thing for them.

I can also see how much easier certain choral pieces are, for example, Barber's "Sure on this Shining Night" which has a pianissimo high G in it.

I am going to sing "O Holy Night" in the mezzo key at an outreach concert on the 30th.  "The" night will have passed but we will be singing other carols, so it should be ok.  I will brace myself for more feedback about vowels.  I will also try to sing the top G (that's what the high note is in the mezzo version - in the soprano version it's a B flat) lightly, the way I sing the one in the Angel song.

The first Requiem rehearsal went well.  Really the only thing I'm nervous about is that big climax in "Liber Scriptus".  "Lux Aeterna" suits me like a glove.  I muffed a few notes in the ensembles, but will have time to work on them.  The most important thing is for me to be able to sing "against" the soprano and she plans to be at all the rehearsals.  I need to find a bass.  I never heard from my original one.

In other news, my partner and I made a calendar for ourselves out of old pictures from Ogunquit, Maine, our paradise.  Here are several photographs.  The last is where we want our ashes scattered, and I know we will meet there again one day.  In the meantime I hope we can go there for her 80th birthday.

Here is the entrance to our little studio.

Here's the lawn of the main house.

Here's the beach.

This will be our final resting place.


And she will be adopting a cat next weekend.

So our life is good, even without being able to afford presents.

Not Giving Up Today....

I now - for now - seem to be back in the swing of things.  I have three things going on right now: the Christmas concerts, choir (I now have two solos scheduled between now and Epiphany), and the Requiem.

The Christmas concerts have turned out to be a little disappointing.  The pianist is not proficient enough to play the Spanish art songs so instead of singing three I will be singing only one, which the director may very well play herself.  And one Spanish Christmas carol as a solo.  Otherwise it is six women singing Christmas and Chanukah songs in two part harmony.  The director seems to think I am a soprano, which is fine.

I have gotten so much conflicting information about my voice type over the years.  If I can barely reach a high C (and this is something that never changes; all that has changed is that the notes I do have - up to a B - sound better more consistently and I have lost the break I used to have above middle C) I am not a soprano, at least not where opera is concerned.  On the other hand, I am most comfortable singing in the upper middle part of my voice, which means for choral purposes I am a second soprano not an alto.  I would say even for oratorio solo purposes.  I am not someone who sings "O Thou That Tellest Good Tidings to Zion" well.  I sound  much better singing "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth".

But when I posted something about my vocal "sweet spot" (F to F on the staff) on the the Forum, a well-respected voice teacher said that meant I was a "low mezzo". Huh? I think of low mezzos as, well, women who love singing "O Thou that Tellest".

Interestingly, the woman who runs these seasonal concerts is always telling me to sing "brighter" vowels, while my teacher tells me to sing "darker" vowels.  Both of them want my voice to be freer, so who is right?  I know when I first started studying I had been artificially "whitening" my voice to sound like a soprano (what I call my "fake Julie Andrews voice", which actually serves me quite well up to a G or G sharp but does not easily go higher) which my teacher said was choking off the higher notes by making them "spread".  Although now I find if I sing "happy", on some of the high climaxes (involving As and A flats) it makes those notes easier.

And I seem to have finally found a real head resonance.  Is that because I am being diligent about blasting all the crud out of my sinuses?  I think I was always congested behind my nasal passages, which is not something I ever noticed until I began trying to figure out why I had such a "gargly" sound in my upper passagio.  Anyhow, after the New Year I am going to get a referral to an ENT. I have always been leery of getting on the merry-go-round of medication for nasal stuff because it either makes you speedy or makes you sleepy and I have seen my partner spend a lifetime, more or less, being partially dysfunctional due to the combination of asthma medicines and allergy medicines.  But who knows?  Maybe the ENT will have some other kind of advice.  I am using nasal spray but what happens is it loosens up all the junk and then I spend hours "snuffling" although eventually it gets cleared out.

But getting back to the Christmas concerts, I really like the woman in charge of these because she is nice and friendly and treats me with respect, which I find people rarely do in the talent-stuffed New York singing scene.

As for choir, I am definitely singing a solo (one of the Spanish art songs) on Epiphany, and will probably sing Wagner's "Angel" song on Annunciation Sunday (the third Sunday in Advent).  That is one of our pastor's favorite songs.  It was the second solo I sang after I was "discovered" ("Mon Coeur" was actually the third - the first was "Dido's Lament") and was chosen for me by the choir director at the Unitarian church to sing at Christmas and I have kept it in my repertoire ever since.  It will be interesting to hear how that pianissimo high G sounds with my improved technique.

Last but not least, tonight is the kickoff rehearsal for the Requiem.  At first my partner was teed off, but it is only an hour, and this is something I have been planning for over a year.  I am responsible for assembling the singers and pianist and arranging rehearsals, the church will donate the space and give the ticket money to the social outreach program of their choice, and will handle the marketing and promotion.

The purpose of this rehearsal will be to finalize cuts and sing through the big ensemble pieces.  The soprano is the one who sang in my Verdi concert and the tenor is a friend of my teacher's who sings in the Met chorus.  I am lucky to have him.  The only problem is the bass.  He is someone I know from Facebook (I think he friended me after meeting me at an audition) and he said he was working on the Requiem and yes, would be interested in this (he can just view it as a big rehearsal) but that Thursday was not a good day to rehearse.  So I said we could probably switch to Tuesday after the New Year but that I just wanted to know if he could make the rehearsal today.  Over the course of two weeks I have sent him emails and left a message on his cell phone but have not heard anything. I am pretty sure he is still in the land of the living because I think he has posted things on Facebook.  So - huh??

Well, if I don't hear from him by the end of 2012 I will try to get someone else.

And I will line up someone to be on "partner patrol" in case she has a (real or manufactured, but not life threatening) crisis the week leading up to the concert.

The Bitter and the Sweet (New Edition)

I suppose that is really what life is, when it boils down to it.

After feeling really good about how I sang at my audition, and about the myriad opportunities on the horizon, I sank into a funk yesterday at choir practice.

First a pat on the back.  I sounded really really  good on the soprano part in the Bach.  This is not easy for a mezzo to sing, although the tessitura is no higher than that of the three mezzo roles in Donizetti's  the Three Queens. I finally did get tired at the end, but that was after singing through quite a bit of it several times.  Singing that, I can really tell how much both my technique and my stamina have improved.

We now have another young high soprano, this one still at the prestigious conservatory.  I would say she is a "lite" version of the woman who left, whom I referred to as the "young coloratura".  This woman is about five years younger and has less confidence, but she still sings better up in the Bach soprano tessitura than anyone else we have.  Fine.  If she is around for the next cantata we do, I can sing alto, if the alto part is in a decent range (up to at least the E at the top of the staff, with not too much florid singing below middle C).

I was not bothered that she was there.  There is plenty of room for a variety of trained singers who can take turns as soloists.

What bothered me was that, by going to that conservatory and studying with a prestigious former Metropolitan Opera star (which does not make this woman necessarily a good teacher, although she might be) she is part of an exclusive club, so the tenor, who had been to that same prestigious conservatory (the one whose wife told me I needed a new voice teacher, more or less), and who has mostly ignored me unless he is leading the choir, buddied up to her with interest, and it all made me feel very B list.  It's like people who have been to Harvard or Yale, who bond instantly with other people who have been to Harvard or Yale, and will ignore someone who is equally intelligent who only has an Associate Degree from a community college.

This is yet again, a situation in which I feel very like the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz.  No matter how well I sing, I am not worth bothering with because I have no credentials and no history, and when you add to that the fact that I am not young, I am basically worthless.  I mean I can always find little nooks and crannies into which to insert myself where I can sing, or I can organize things myself, and I can sing well, and am singing better than ever, but I am made to feel invisible.

Is it really all about youth?  People who are more experienced are interested in younger people who are less experienced but they are not interested in older people who are less experienced (unless they are in a position of authority over them of some kind) or in older people who are growing and learning and improving.  As I said to someone, they are usually just embarrassed, so the older people are ignored.

On the other hand, the other day I was at an event (with my partner) for LGBT seniors and their care partners and needless to say I was the best looking female in the room for miles around, which did not escape notice.  One of the older woman told me I looked so glamorous she wanted to ask for my autograph (and that was in jeans and a simple top, but with my red hair and stage makeup, of course.)

So what is the sweet, you might ask?

I now have a full quartet for my Requiem.  These are all singers with much more experience than I have, which is a good thing.  It will raise the level of the performance and I am glad that they are willing to work with me.

I have an opportunity to sing in several holiday concerts and I am going to show the Spanish songs both to my choir director and to the man who organizes the music for the Spanish services at the church.

My partner at least for now seems to be less bristly about my wanting to spread my wings a little regarding singing.  She said she really heard me when I said that singing in church was like taking a pleasant stroll, but singing opera was like running a marathon, and as long as I still can run a marathon, it is something I feel I must do.

Coaching Debriefing: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Yesterday I had a coaching session for my audition set.

First the good.

I did some of the best singing I have ever done.  Particularly the first runthrough of "Re dell' Abisso," Dido, and the second runthrough of "Acerba Volutta" beginning "verra, m'obblio".

My voice has lightened up a bit (the coach said that might not be great for "Re") but what I mean is it feels lighter and has more spin.

The bad.

The first runthrough of "Acerba Volutta" after a few stumbles with entrances in the section beginning "verra, m'obblio" I sang a not very good high A at the end.  I just didn't have the energy balance.  Although the coach said it was okay.  I hung onto it the requisite amount.  It just got "straight" and I portamento'd down from it too soon.

Also it seems I had pasted the pages of Re back to back in the wrong order.  How could I do something like that?  Am I into "senior moments" now?  I mean I earn my living dealing with the written word, and various documents (although most of these are electronic now).  I can thank my lucky stars that I asked the coach to play from my binder so that the first person to use it was not the pianist for the audition.

Also, I seemed not to know "Voce di Donna" at all.I muffed the words several times and sang the second ending instead of the first ending. My teacher had told me to end it when the solo section ends.) I don't have much time left, but I need to drill this,  just to make sure I know the words. This is where listening comes in. I am at the point with these arias where I don't like to listen to recordings because I don't want to pick up other singer's idiosyncrasies.I use recordings in the beginning of the learning process because I can memorize what I hear faster than notes on a page, particularly because I don't read key signatures. But I need to listen to this one both for the words and for the endings!

Now for the ugly.

I don't know how "ugly" this actually is, but after singing each aria at least once, and singing "Voce di Donna" two or three times, I went back to "Re" and totally conked out at the end.  It wasn't even a question of that last G going "straight" and ugly.  It just wasn't there.  My whole infrastructure collapsed.

In real life I don't think I would have done that much singing without a break.  Even when we rehearsed the Verdi concert there were times when other people were singing and I could recoup. But it really really irks me.

I think what is holding me back vocally now is primarily my inability to replicate the whole support/strength/energy connection (I can't think of a better technical description) at will.  When I sing well, I sound like a professional dramatic mezzo.  But I can't always do this.  And I don't really know what it is I do right when it's right (my teacher has commented on this).  A lot of it has to do with getting the right burst of energy (I think, Zachary if you're still reading, this is what I mean by "letting it rip") and connecting it to my lower abdominal muscles, my ribcage, and my pharyngeal space.  And I can't always do this.  It's like faking a smile, where you smile with your mouth but not your eyes.  If I don't give that extra "oomph", I don't have the intrastructure to sing well, certainly not in that repertoire.  And I seem to be very vulnerable to being tired, and I seem to get tired easily.  This was always a problem, even when I was younger.  I mean if I'm comparing myself to laypeople, I am not someone who gets tired easily.  If I didn't sing I would never notice this.  It's that I don't have that something extra. Professional singers go to the gym all the time I understand, although, interestingly, the didn't in past eras and there were still plenty of big voices with energy behind them.  For example yesterday I did all the right things.  I got enough sleep, ate healthily, chugged some Muscle Milk (something I haven't had in a long time - in fact the bottles in  my fridge were out of date).  But it wasn't enough to make me superhuman.  And Verdi mezzos need to be superhuman.

So what I have to tell myself is this.  On Saturday I am sure if I start with "Re" after not oversinging Friday (I will ask my teacher what to sing/not sing tomorrow and Friday - tonight I am singing a high soprano part in a Bach cantata, which moves quickly, and has not given me any problems) I will not be tired.  So I will sing it the way I sang it the first go around with the coach.  If they ask for something else (the coach agreed) it will be unlikely to be the Adriana or the Gioconda aria.  They will probably ask for Dido or Dalila, both of which I can sing in my sleep (they are actually the first two things I sang with the Mentor along with Wagner's "Angel").

Interestingly, I think one problem (actually this is a good thing) is that my standards are much higher.  When I was rehearsing Samson et Dalila I muffed quite a few high B flats. One afternoon I even conked out and couldn't hit the high A in Act 3.  But I just considered that all in a day's work.  I was so excited about singing this role in this opera and getting to be hot and all Dalila-ish, and impressing my friends, that that was all I cared about.  If I didn't sound like one of the stars at the Met so what?

I think where I have become chastened is that when I have heard singers at these meeups or at some of these amateur or low level semi professional groups, they sound more like the singers at the met than they do like me.

Well, maybe I will be happy in the same way about my Requiem. It is something for the church to observe Lent, and so I should be able to get a good audience (even if they don't care about  me, or Verdi, they will probably want to give something to the food pantry or whatever the money will be going to), not to mention that I have the biggest set of brass ovaries on the planet for organizing even a small-scale pocket version of this major work!

So wish me luck Saturday.

As some of my friends say, it is T minus 3 (I think?)

Making Plans

I don't usually post more than once in a day, but some interesting things came up during my lesson.

First of all, Ulrica rocks!  That low G is sort of a growl, but the rest of the piece sounds really really good. And despite it's being thought of as "contralto", other than that low G it is not a low piece and has quite a few sustained Gs and A flats.  And as this is a new piece I have no bad muscle memories.

So my teacher said, yes, I should go to this audition.  The man who played for our "Viva Verdi" concert is the pianist for that group, I think, so I wrote to him and asked him if he had any "inside scoop".

Also my teacher agreed that I should make my "top five" more age appropriate.  I don't know if I will keep Ulrica in the batch but I will use it for this audition.  And I will swap "Voce di Donna" for "Stella del Marinar".  I just have to memorize it.  And memorize the Ulrica aria.  And I will take out the Favorita aria even though I sing it well and replace it with "Dido's Lament" since they usually want something in English.  I suppose Dido, as a classical figure, could be any age.  Likewise Dalila, so I will keep "Mon Coeur" for now.

I will also try to add new things.  There is an aria from Cilea's L'Arlesiana that he said might be nice for the "Viva Verismo" concert - which, BTW he is very excited about.  And he said yes, I should get a score of Hamlet and work on Gertrude.  I can maybe eventually add her aria "J'ai Peur" into my set. 

The bad news is he is not going to sing the Requiem.  He said it is too lyric for his voice. So he is going to see if he can find me someone.  I have quite a lot of lead time.

The Requiem Will Be March 23 2013!

This is now definite.  I will be singing excerpts from Verdi's great Messa da Requiem at the Lutheran church where I sing, as part of their series of special programs for Lent, the Saturday before Palm Sunday.  I emailed back and forth with the church administrator, who seemed genuinely excited about it. The ticket money will go to whatever charity the church is featuring during Lent, so I will flog, flog, flog it.  I want it to at least pay for itself (meaning make enough money from ticket sales to equal what it would have cost me to pay for the space).  My Samson et Dalila concert did, so there's no reason why this concert shouldn't.

Here's what I have so far:

A pianist
A soprano
A promise from my teacher to let me know if he will sing the tenor part, by Labor Day
An idea for a bass
A program (details re: cuts still to be worked out)
A cost estimate

I won't have a chorus or orchestra, but we will do the best we can without (I will probably have the pianist play part of the "Dies Irae" because it is so famous).

I haven't told my partner yet - I will wait until after my birthday.  Palm Sunday is her favorite holiday, pretty  much the only time she comes to the church where I sing.  She will have a Palm Sunday.

Some Pictures of Carmen, and Some Hope

One of the things that The Artist's Way tells you to do is keep an "image file". As my edition of the book was written before everyone was using the Internet, the author refers to its contents as "clippings" but of course one can now do that electronically.

Images that inspire me.  Of course the first one I found was of Serena Williams after she won Wimbledon

because she defied the odds winning at 30, just as I believe I am defying the odds being an emerging dramatic mezzo at two weeks shy of 62. But then I started thinking about Carmen. I have wanted to sing the role since, at 14, I was rejected by the High School Glee Club teacher when I auditioned to sing the Habanera in a school assembly (I was one of five girls who auditioned, and the only Caucasian) being told, essentially, that I was too "WASP-y" and uptight although not in those words. It's not my favorite music to sing (I would rather sing Azucena, quite frankly, or the Principessa in Adriana Lecouvreur) but second only to Dalila it is my favorite role to be. Most roles, considering my age and lack of mobility (I can't go up and down stairs that don't have a handrail or move more than a few inches in high heels) I would be happy to sing in concert, but I really really really want to sing Carmen in costume. I have occasionally sung the Habanera at church fundraisers as you can see here (FWIW I am 59 years old here)

and would do so in a heartbeat again. For my image file, I decided that this

was probably the hottest. The singer depicted is Rinat Shaham from Israel. Speaking of Carmen, I sang the "Seguidilla" at yesterday's lesson and it sounded good.  I am trying to skip up to the B again, although not really staccato.  I asked my teacher his opinion of staccati as an exercise and he said he generally avoids them because you can "get off the voice" and sing them in your throat.

The good news is that the big breakthrough I had has held.  I sang some full voice B flats and B naturals (we didn't go higher than that) up into that new head space and now he is having me hold them for 2 or 3 counts in the middle of an arpeggio.  I think I have definitely moved off this plateau.

Now I just need some places to sing.  I am going to audition some songs for a concert the evening of September 11 (organized by the woman in whose living room I sang the "Judgment Scene" from Aida several years ago), and the Requiem plans are moving forward.

My teacher told me to email the soprano I want to use to make sure she is free. The two of them are singing in a concert version of Adriana Lecouvreur in a few months (I hope to sing the scenes with the Principessa with them later in another concert) so that brought this to his mind.  He says he will let me know in September if he is going to sing or if I need to get another tenor.  He is concerned that his voice may be too heavy for some of the pianissimo sections.

Lastly, please everyone say prayers that  my partner's cataract surgery goes well and that I can be loving and good and not make it harder for her with my selfish resentments.  Eventually this rough patch will be over and I can have some time to myself.

A social worker is coming to her house this morning.  She doesn't know that it is because I called the agency, but I hope they can get her some help for the week after her surgery.

Voice Teachers

This post is partly for Zachary, because his comment brought many questions and comments to mind, but it was something I was going to write anyway.

Over the years, I worked with four voice teachers. I mentioned two of my earliest ones in this post. Then there was my current teacher, whom I met in 1976 and worked with through 1980, and then in 2003 I met "The Mentor" whom I studied with for two years, before going back to my current teacher whom I will call "M".

I was never able to sing comfortably above a high A, not matter what I did or what teacher I studied with.  That was just an intractable problem.  The last year I sang as a young person (in 1980) I had more or less gotten a handle on the B flat, and once or twice could sorta kinda squeak up to a C sharp but that was a rare occasion and certainly the highest note I ever felt I "owned" was the A.

I don't know if ranges are a physiologically fixed thing.  I know that study can increase a person's range, but only by so much.  What my teacher tells me is that I might have been able to stretch it up by a note or two if I had been continuously studying in my prime (if I had continued on at 30, when I finally was beginning to feel that I was singing well, and then gave it up) but not necessarily by much.  What he has said is that study can make the sound better and the facility greater in the range that I have.

I also don't know to what extent smoking damaged my voice.  I think one reason I sounded so much better at 54 than I did at 30 (although without, at first, the stamina) was that it had been almost 30 years since I had smoked.  I know that I have no residual respiratory weaknesses (I get colds, etc. much less frequently than anyone I know) but vocal cords are delicate.  So it's one thing to have so much damage that it's obvious in one's speaking voice, and another to have minute damage that would only manifest itself when trying to sing at the outer limits of one's range.

But getting back to the subject of teachers.  Here is what I think has happened with this teacher.  I think I made a lot of progress up to a point and then hit a plateau.  I became aware of the plateau around last Fall, which was when I was preparing for the concert.  My middle voice had gotten richer and fuller, and I started finding it harder to sing at the top, even an A, which for me was always "my crowning glory".  My teacher explained that this was because the top of my voice needed to "catch up" with the rest of my voice.  He said when I sang well, those notes were actually better than they had been, but that it now took more support to sing up there.  Recently, I have noticed a breakthrough and I seem to be having less trouble.

So the issue with this teacher is, I think, not that he's telling me anything wrong (for example I always sing better at a lesson than at home, and if I do what he tells me I sing better than when I forget to do it), it's that there may be additional things that are right that he is not telling me.  (I would leave in a heartbeat if he ever had me doing anything that felt uncomfortable, which is an experience that I have had, if you read my above-referenced post about "Mr. B.")

But at this point I am loathe to make a change.  Particularly after yesterday's lesson, at which I sang especially well and felt more freedom than I had felt in a long time.

I know I am very resistant to change.  My first impulse if I am having a problem is to work with what I have rather than looking elsewhere.  Particularly in the case of this teacher with whom I have such a bond (a healthy one, not an unhealthy one like I had with The Mentor).  I now consider him a friend, as well as a colleague (I could tell from remarks he made at yesterday's lesson that he takes this Verdi Requiem project seriously because he made a few tentative concert commitments and checked his calendar first to make sure they didn't conflict with the Requiem date.)

Of course if an opportunity to get a second opinion fell into my lap I would take it.  I think I was put off by the tenor soloist's wife approaching me because I found it intrusive.  But, for example, a few years ago a renowned teacher and coach posted something on a message board stating that she was giving "pay what you can" consultations,so I went to one and got some feedback.  She thought most of my problems with high notes (the ones I actually have - I sang "Acerba Volutta" for her) had to do with not maintaining a good energy balance and creating a lot of tension around the "setup" for the top notes.  But she told me I had the basics of a good technique.

In any event, maybe I will give it a few months and see.  I want to go ahead with the Requiem at the very least, before making a change, and that is not difficult to sing.  In fact I find "Lux Aeterna" easier than many mezzos do because I use the same skills I use to sing soprano in the choir.

I did speak to my teacher about vocal problems yesterday, saying that I had been approached by the wife of a colleague about a teacher, and that I knew I still had problems and did he know why, as I had been studying a long time.  He said a lot of it had to do with not focusing when I was singing.  That I had to focus on particularly trying to keep the right pharyngeal space.  That not doing that caused my upper passagio to sound muddy and made it harder to go higher. He must be right about that because when I did what he told me the top notes were easier and freer. He also said that bigger voices require more support (and more time to put together) and that I had gone for over two decades without singing at all. That I only took a lesson every two weeks (that is all I can afford).  He also said that singing with the choir and trying to "blend" may undo some of what I am learning at lessons.  I think that used to be true, but that I have now learned how to use a supported pianissimo not a falsetto.  I don't want to give up the choir, though, because it means so much to me, not just musically but also spiritually.  I get solo opportunities (I don't care if they are unpaid), and my musicianship has improved astronomically as a result of singing difficult music in a small group.  If I hadn't been singing with the choir all these years I wouldn't be learning the mezzo solo parts of the Requiem as quickly as I'm learning them because musically it is a difficult ensemble piece.  Also this choir director is very nice and supportive.  As are the other people in the choir.  I have made a nice group of friends my own age there and I desperately need that kind of connection.  I spend most of my time working at home, and the rest of it with someone elderly and disagreeable, no matter how much I love her.  In addition to singing in the choir we go to concerts together and on outings, along with other people our age at the church.

So that's it, I guess.

I will just play it by ear at choir practice tonight.  If the tenor comes up to me and gives me the number of his voice teacher, hey.  I'll take it, and then just see.

This n That

I am about to dress for Pilates class, so there's no point  in working and I have some thoughts from yesterday that I want to put on "paper".

Yesterday the choir director and several other professional musicians from the church led a discussion about the presence of God in music.  A number of people from the choir attended, as did I, even though our choir wasn't singing.

One of the topics that got discussed was being an avocational musician versus a professional one.  One man (another choral conductor) said that the advantage of being an avocational musician was that you didn't have to do anything musically that you didn't want to do.  I can certainly see the advantage of that.  I have never been particularly bothered by the fact that I don't make money singing; in fact, when I was singing the first time, my idols were women who were big stars on the avocational singing circuit and got to sing plum roles in small productions two or three times a year and then go about their lives with jobs, family, etc.  There are still people doing that, but of course the bar is much higher now and they all not only sound as good as the professionals but also have conservatory degrees.

For me the problems of being an avocational musician are twofold.  First, I always have to justify why I'm spending time and money on this.  Part of this, of course, is that when I began singing again I already had a life and needed to squeeze singing into it.  As many people know, my need to recapture the feeling from that Valentine's Day was so strong that I was willing to orchestrate a breakup with my partner so that I could have a new life, but in 2007 she had a hip replacement and I realized that I needed to care for her, and one thing led to another. I still don't think of us as a "couple", but she is my significant other and in that vein we check in with each other about what we've planned for the day/week/month, etc. and she feels, rightly or wrongly, that she has a vested interest in how I spend my time and money.

The second issue with being an avocational singer is that other people (aka other singers) don't take me seriously.  When they find out, for example, that my church gig is unpaid, I can hear a bit of contempt in their voices.  (That would not be true if I had been cast in someone else's production of an opera and were singing for free.)

There was a Q and A session and so I asked the choir director and his wife, a cellist, both of whom are quite young and have up and coming careers, if it had been hard for them as young people to take care of themselves the way one needed to to have a career as a musician.  I know in my heart of hearts that one big reason I gave up singing at 30 (in addition to not making money, wanting to go to college at night - it never occurred to me to major in music - and being in a Lesbian separatist milieu that did not encourage pursuing a "patriarchal" art form) was that I found it onerous to take care of myself.  I had quit smoking but resented it (and after I stopped singing I went back to smoking for another two years), was continually starving myself to keep my weight under 130 pounds (I was five foot six), and wanted to party until all hours.  When I went back to singing in my 50s I had long since finished with all those things and was in top physical shape.

In other news, I asked the choral conductor I mentioned if I needed a conductor as well as a pianist for the Requiem  and he said no, if I trusted the pianist we could look to her for cues (this is what we did for Samson et Dalila).

And on a final note: when I got home I worked on the "Lacrymosa" measure by measure again and found that I was able to sing the first two of the difficult pages with the recording.  And I woke up humming my part, despite it's not being conventionally melodic!