Only a few weeks after my disastrous lesson (I did have a decent lesson in between) I had a mishap with a church solo that took me into territory I had not been in since 2014: panicking and/or not having the right "spin" on my voice to sail up to a high note. Now, granted, this is not a note that I have ever sung in a church solo (more on that later) but it is certainly a note (A natural) that I have been singing well in arias and songs for the past four plus years.
So what went wrong?
I would tend to suspect winter asthma, but then the question is: what do I do?
First, this is not a note I would have chosen to sing. I was looking for an arrangement of the carol "I Wonder as I Wander" and found one that I thought was in the right key (with the top note being an F sharp; in the arranagement in the hymnal, the top note is a D) but after I paid for the arrangement and printed it out, I saw that the third verse went up into a completely different key where the high note was an A! The only reason I agreed to sing this in public is that when I sang it at home it sounded really good, sounded good at my lesson, and sounded good at my runthrough with the church accompanist on Thursday.
Then I had a huge asthma attack. I don't have these very often, although I have endless respiratory problems, including massive sinus drainage. On the rare occasions that I get a cold, interestingly, it's the bottom of my voice that gets knocked out and I can sort of "float" the high notes around it, although my voice sounds smaller.
The type of asthma that I have is called "cough variant asthma". I don't wheeze and gasp for breath, but my chest feels tight and when I exhale I have a dry cough and a feeling that there is sticky dry mucus in my bronchial tubes. If it's really bad I use an inhaler, which I did yesterday.
This morning I felt fine, and warmed up to a high B that was easy and shimmery. And I could hold it. Then I went out into the cold. When I got to the church I felt short of breath and my singing was very labored. I nailed the high note in the runthrough but it felt labored. Then I thought that if I exhaled a lot (often that helps my singing) I would be ok in the actual service, but I barely made it up to that note, held it about a half a count, and it sounded like a cat yowling when you step on its tail. So ok, the rest of the piece sounded good, particularly the last verse, and I got a lot of compliments, but I haven't been in this place vocally or mentally in a very long time.
Is it a health issue, period? I know I felt very tired singing through all the carols for the rest of the service (it was our annual "Lessons and Carols"). My voice didn't feel tired, but my chest felt very heavy. And I just felt such fatigue. Which followed me home and it's only now, about five hours later, that I feel normal.
I sang on this date last year when it was about four degrees out and didn't have this problem.
I just hope I can blow it off and start over.
Someone made a video and I told him to cut it off after the second verse (I listened to it and the high note sounded as bad as I had thought) but he said he would also give me a version that had the whole thing, which I really need so I can send it to my teacher. I know he has had all sorts of health problems of this nature and has sung some really God-awful high notes. But then he has the choice of switching to bass baritone. I'm already a mezzo. I'm not going to switch to contralto! I don't have a very low voice anyhow. The best part of my voice is from the middle of the staff up to an F or F sharp at the top.
Next time I see my primary care physician (I have my annual physical in January) I will ask her what to do; if she has any suggestions.
Showing posts with label disappointments. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disappointments. Show all posts
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Ditch the Sports Car
I haven't written in a while, despite having had a satisfyingly successful time singing my Bach cantata aria last Sunday. I sang well, and had the delightful surprise of a viola da gamba accompaniment as well as the organ. And people applauded which they never to after a church solo unless it's something bouncy.
But this article caught my eye. It even mentions The Artist's Way, a program that my therapist recommended, which helped me more than anything I became involved in after AA and The Well Spouse.
Yes, I suppose I do fit the profile featured in this article, down to producing several charity concerts (although my takings were in the $100s not $1000s) and my current specialization of singing in nursing homes.
The one thing this article does not mention, however, is what happens when you discover a passion in midlife that you're obviously good at but not as good as the people who are really good at it, who, even if they don't do it for a living, do it as well as the people who are doing it for a living, all went to the same schools, and all know each other?
The exhilaration that I found at first realizing that I could not only sing Dalila but be Dalila at a tiny church "talent show" was quickly followed by years of rage, envy, and despair as a result of not only being rejected at auditions, but also being attacked on all sides by sharks and snarks when I tried to "join the club". I was rejected by all ten or so "amateur" opera companies here because I was too old, too inexperienced, and not polished enough, and was alternately laughed at and ignored by what I call the "Forum Crowd" (a group of lower level professional and semi professional singers who have in common that they all seem to have music performance degrees and hate wannabees, amateurs who are too big for their britches, and anyone without their credentials who thinks she can converse with her betters like a peer.) (And as I wrote this, looking for a link, I saw that their new message board is closed and requires a log in.)
I suppose a Saturday night painter can paint alone, but you can't really sing alone. There's only so far you can go singing arias in your living room, particularly considering that appreciation is pretty thin on the ground if you live, like I do, around the corner from Lincoln Center and have neighbors who go to the Met every week.
So I sing in a church choir, and am a church soloist. The irony of course is that both my parents were atheists (my mother defined herself as a secular Jew) and I am not Baptised. But it is a nice niche. There are real professional singers who cycle in and out of there but they move on to greener pastures or have limited time for solo opportunities. The older retired professionals (I'm thinking of one) are very "been there, done that". Who is going to sing a solo in the summer if they can go away?
And I produce concerts in nursing homes. I have done two since May and will be doing a third next week. And my teacher, who is now back to singing bass-baritone again, is already thinking of a concert of duets (some old some new) that we can do in the Fall or next Spring.
And of course I'm still waiting to be the subject of an op-ed or other newspaper story, like the singer featured today.
But this article caught my eye. It even mentions The Artist's Way, a program that my therapist recommended, which helped me more than anything I became involved in after AA and The Well Spouse.
Yes, I suppose I do fit the profile featured in this article, down to producing several charity concerts (although my takings were in the $100s not $1000s) and my current specialization of singing in nursing homes.
The one thing this article does not mention, however, is what happens when you discover a passion in midlife that you're obviously good at but not as good as the people who are really good at it, who, even if they don't do it for a living, do it as well as the people who are doing it for a living, all went to the same schools, and all know each other?
The exhilaration that I found at first realizing that I could not only sing Dalila but be Dalila at a tiny church "talent show" was quickly followed by years of rage, envy, and despair as a result of not only being rejected at auditions, but also being attacked on all sides by sharks and snarks when I tried to "join the club". I was rejected by all ten or so "amateur" opera companies here because I was too old, too inexperienced, and not polished enough, and was alternately laughed at and ignored by what I call the "Forum Crowd" (a group of lower level professional and semi professional singers who have in common that they all seem to have music performance degrees and hate wannabees, amateurs who are too big for their britches, and anyone without their credentials who thinks she can converse with her betters like a peer.) (And as I wrote this, looking for a link, I saw that their new message board is closed and requires a log in.)
I suppose a Saturday night painter can paint alone, but you can't really sing alone. There's only so far you can go singing arias in your living room, particularly considering that appreciation is pretty thin on the ground if you live, like I do, around the corner from Lincoln Center and have neighbors who go to the Met every week.
So I sing in a church choir, and am a church soloist. The irony of course is that both my parents were atheists (my mother defined herself as a secular Jew) and I am not Baptised. But it is a nice niche. There are real professional singers who cycle in and out of there but they move on to greener pastures or have limited time for solo opportunities. The older retired professionals (I'm thinking of one) are very "been there, done that". Who is going to sing a solo in the summer if they can go away?
And I produce concerts in nursing homes. I have done two since May and will be doing a third next week. And my teacher, who is now back to singing bass-baritone again, is already thinking of a concert of duets (some old some new) that we can do in the Fall or next Spring.
And of course I'm still waiting to be the subject of an op-ed or other newspaper story, like the singer featured today.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
In Defense of Mediocrity, or Totally Gobsmacked Watching "Last Tango in Halifax"
As for the title, this is something I had been toying with four years ago or so, as a "response" to another singer-blogger who seems to always get under my skin. For whatever reason, I never used the title, but it came to mind again a few weeks ago when I was watching the Christmas special for Last Tango in Halifax. One of the subplots involved an amateur production of Blithe Spirit that was in an area apparently so talent starved that they had to scrape the bottom of the barrel (meaning strongarm someone with no acting ability and no interest) into playing one of the male roles. (The role of Madame Arcati went to a woman my age who had done some acting when she was young.) Does this scenario really exist? Are there still AmDrams (I word I learned recently) that are geographically located such that they will not be crashed by professionals coming from far and wide to get a role under their belt (or "rehearse" one they will be performing in a loftier venue later)? Are there still places where the performing arts are so thin on the ground that people will actually come to a performance that at best can be called "a rough diamond"?
I posted this question in a British tv lovers Facebook group that I belong to and people assured me, yes, that this scenario was not so far afield, that most "small towns" (how is that defined, I wonder?) have an AmDram that is really that - for amateurs.
As for the term "mediocre" according to the dictionary, synonyms are "average", "unexceptional", "amateur", and "amateurish". (There are also other synonyms, such as "uninspired" that don't capture what I am trying to say.) The point is that the term does not mean "so embarrassingly substandard that people want to run screaming from the room". I would take it to mean "not the best of the best, but still pleasing on some level".
Now to me mediocrity is not the same thing as "laziness". A person is lazy if he or she could achieve excellence but is not willing to put in the necessary work. The potential A student who gets Bs. But what about the C student who has worked his or her tail off to get Bs. The end result is the same. But the point is, are Bs bad? Should only someone who is "A" grade be allowed or encouraged to [sing, play a musical instrument, paint, write, design furniture or clothing]? I would guess that if someone is so unskilled (and untalented) at something that they are in the D or, heaven help us, the F league, they should not be encouraged. They can probably find some other arena in which they can at least make B league. But should only the best of the best exist, with everyone else going back to paper pushing or doing something else uninspired that most people don't want to do?
This subject is wrenching my heart because as someone with, possibly, a major talent, but one that was not put to use until past the 11th hour, and who probably in terms of skill level (if you put Met stars at the top and people who love to sing off key on karaoke night at the bottom) would be in the 88th percentile, has found every door closed to me. The opera companies that don't pay people use professionals who can't find work (or professionals who want to use that gig as a rehearsal for a paying one). People that invite performers into their spaces (for no pay, other than the use of the space) have a long list of people from Marilyn Horne's "Song" finalists to chamber music groups that have been reviewed in the TIMES that they can donate their space to and don't want amateurs with a few rough edges. And its not only existing organizations and performance venues who aren't interested. Colleagues aren't interested either. I was told once to look for people who are really good, better than I am, but then, of course, they will flit if they get a better offer (my voice teacher included!!) And people who are at a lower skill level are just not all that interested. They just think it's too much bother. So in addition to having to learn my music I have to be the "impresaria" and do all the managing and planning and spend all the money. I'm not a professional singer but I once was a well-salaried manager and really don't want to do that for free (I have done it, but I think I'm burned out).
So I had resigned myself to singing in nursing homes, which, actually, if I look at my values as a human being, should not be viewed as "settling" for second best. I love the elderly and spend a large part of my life taking care of my 83-year-old partner who is severely impaired. But other than the place I sang this past October (and for my birthday in 2016), I can't get anyone to "bite" despite having left repeated phone messages and having sent emails. I actually don't take this personally. I think they probably go for people they know if they're looking to fill the calendar. Which brings me back to a subject I have written about in the past, that it really is about who(m) you know, not in the sense of fraudulent dealing, but in the sense of being part of a network and I am not part of one. Here's an analogy I thought of the other day. I can always get copyediting work not because I am absolutely the best copy editor anyone could ever hire (although I'm damn good - probably I would put myself in the 99th percentile there), but because people know me. I have worked in the publishing business since 1979. So who are people going to give work to? Me, or someone they don't know, who writes to them out of the blue and asks to take a test. Even if they get 100 on that test, they don't have a "track record".
As I have said before, I am not ready to give up and throw in the towel. Every week I am singing better and I certainly have more confidence than I did before. But I can't say that I have expanded my network in any way, and this is not for lack of trying. So OK, if I weren't a caregiver, I would have more options: start my own Meetup, venture forth on a Saturday or in the evening, maybe even see what's doing at one of the three big conservatories within shouting distance from where I live. But not now.
So I defend "mediocrity" not because I think people should be lazy or lacking in discernment, but because I think there should be a place for people who aren't the best and never will be, but still want a place to muddle through something they love, in like-minded company, with friends and acquaintances cheering them on.
I posted this question in a British tv lovers Facebook group that I belong to and people assured me, yes, that this scenario was not so far afield, that most "small towns" (how is that defined, I wonder?) have an AmDram that is really that - for amateurs.
As for the term "mediocre" according to the dictionary, synonyms are "average", "unexceptional", "amateur", and "amateurish". (There are also other synonyms, such as "uninspired" that don't capture what I am trying to say.) The point is that the term does not mean "so embarrassingly substandard that people want to run screaming from the room". I would take it to mean "not the best of the best, but still pleasing on some level".
Now to me mediocrity is not the same thing as "laziness". A person is lazy if he or she could achieve excellence but is not willing to put in the necessary work. The potential A student who gets Bs. But what about the C student who has worked his or her tail off to get Bs. The end result is the same. But the point is, are Bs bad? Should only someone who is "A" grade be allowed or encouraged to [sing, play a musical instrument, paint, write, design furniture or clothing]? I would guess that if someone is so unskilled (and untalented) at something that they are in the D or, heaven help us, the F league, they should not be encouraged. They can probably find some other arena in which they can at least make B league. But should only the best of the best exist, with everyone else going back to paper pushing or doing something else uninspired that most people don't want to do?
This subject is wrenching my heart because as someone with, possibly, a major talent, but one that was not put to use until past the 11th hour, and who probably in terms of skill level (if you put Met stars at the top and people who love to sing off key on karaoke night at the bottom) would be in the 88th percentile, has found every door closed to me. The opera companies that don't pay people use professionals who can't find work (or professionals who want to use that gig as a rehearsal for a paying one). People that invite performers into their spaces (for no pay, other than the use of the space) have a long list of people from Marilyn Horne's "Song" finalists to chamber music groups that have been reviewed in the TIMES that they can donate their space to and don't want amateurs with a few rough edges. And its not only existing organizations and performance venues who aren't interested. Colleagues aren't interested either. I was told once to look for people who are really good, better than I am, but then, of course, they will flit if they get a better offer (my voice teacher included!!) And people who are at a lower skill level are just not all that interested. They just think it's too much bother. So in addition to having to learn my music I have to be the "impresaria" and do all the managing and planning and spend all the money. I'm not a professional singer but I once was a well-salaried manager and really don't want to do that for free (I have done it, but I think I'm burned out).
So I had resigned myself to singing in nursing homes, which, actually, if I look at my values as a human being, should not be viewed as "settling" for second best. I love the elderly and spend a large part of my life taking care of my 83-year-old partner who is severely impaired. But other than the place I sang this past October (and for my birthday in 2016), I can't get anyone to "bite" despite having left repeated phone messages and having sent emails. I actually don't take this personally. I think they probably go for people they know if they're looking to fill the calendar. Which brings me back to a subject I have written about in the past, that it really is about who(m) you know, not in the sense of fraudulent dealing, but in the sense of being part of a network and I am not part of one. Here's an analogy I thought of the other day. I can always get copyediting work not because I am absolutely the best copy editor anyone could ever hire (although I'm damn good - probably I would put myself in the 99th percentile there), but because people know me. I have worked in the publishing business since 1979. So who are people going to give work to? Me, or someone they don't know, who writes to them out of the blue and asks to take a test. Even if they get 100 on that test, they don't have a "track record".
As I have said before, I am not ready to give up and throw in the towel. Every week I am singing better and I certainly have more confidence than I did before. But I can't say that I have expanded my network in any way, and this is not for lack of trying. So OK, if I weren't a caregiver, I would have more options: start my own Meetup, venture forth on a Saturday or in the evening, maybe even see what's doing at one of the three big conservatories within shouting distance from where I live. But not now.
So I defend "mediocrity" not because I think people should be lazy or lacking in discernment, but because I think there should be a place for people who aren't the best and never will be, but still want a place to muddle through something they love, in like-minded company, with friends and acquaintances cheering them on.
Monday, January 1, 2018
Singin' in the Cold
(To the tune of "Singin' in the Rain").
This should have been the last post of 2017, not the first one of 2018, but I wasn't at my laptop for much of yesterday.
Yesterday at 11 I sang "Rejoice Greatly" for the second year in a row on the Sunday between Christmas and Epiphany (last year it was on New Year's Day). I am not sure if I sang it as well this year. The church was ice cold and I had trouble getting my breath support to work (you know the way you "scrunch" yourself into a tight ball to try to stay warm? well, that does not do much for the expansion you need to sing). I almost ran out of breath on the first long run. After that, however, it was pretty smooth sailing. The only problem is I was so physically out of sorts that I wasn't able to polish my "presentation". Last year I sang well but did awkward things with my arms (raise them when I needed more breath, then put them down abruptly) and I had determined this year to look more composed. But this year it was all I could do to get through it.
I don't ever remember it being that cold in the church and I have been there on Sundays when there was several feet of snow and I had to take a cab, or, coming back, have someone "cross me" through the mountains of snow and ice so I could catch a bus. But indoors I always felt fine. Were they being stingy with the heat?
So now I need to put something on my calendar; otherwise I won't have another solo singing spot until Holy Week or Easter.
Here's what I've done.
1. Called the nursing home (where my partner was in 2016) at least four times, with no result. I left three voice mail messages and one message with the recreation director's secretary. I also got another number for resident services, called it, and it went into the director's voicemail.
2. I got a friend who sometimes works there to speak to the recreation director. He said he would call me. He never did.
3. I called the LGBT senior services center where I performed several times and got the name and phone number of the new events planner. I left her a voicemail message. I found her email address and sent her an email. No response. I know a volunteer there; I think I will send her an email this week.
4. I found the name of another nursing home/residence and actually spoke in person to the recreation director (I called at 9:02 am - good strategy!) She asked me to send a video and some more information so I sent her a few videos and a program from my last recital. That was several weeks ago. I will call her again.
5. Next week I will google "Living Room Concerts" and see what I get.
I was thinking of making New Year's resolutions, but I don't even know of what kind. Do I need to work harder? Who will know other than my teacher? Do I need more chutzpah? How would that express itself? Do I need to do a better job of networking? If so, with whom?
This should have been the last post of 2017, not the first one of 2018, but I wasn't at my laptop for much of yesterday.
Yesterday at 11 I sang "Rejoice Greatly" for the second year in a row on the Sunday between Christmas and Epiphany (last year it was on New Year's Day). I am not sure if I sang it as well this year. The church was ice cold and I had trouble getting my breath support to work (you know the way you "scrunch" yourself into a tight ball to try to stay warm? well, that does not do much for the expansion you need to sing). I almost ran out of breath on the first long run. After that, however, it was pretty smooth sailing. The only problem is I was so physically out of sorts that I wasn't able to polish my "presentation". Last year I sang well but did awkward things with my arms (raise them when I needed more breath, then put them down abruptly) and I had determined this year to look more composed. But this year it was all I could do to get through it.
I don't ever remember it being that cold in the church and I have been there on Sundays when there was several feet of snow and I had to take a cab, or, coming back, have someone "cross me" through the mountains of snow and ice so I could catch a bus. But indoors I always felt fine. Were they being stingy with the heat?
So now I need to put something on my calendar; otherwise I won't have another solo singing spot until Holy Week or Easter.
Here's what I've done.
1. Called the nursing home (where my partner was in 2016) at least four times, with no result. I left three voice mail messages and one message with the recreation director's secretary. I also got another number for resident services, called it, and it went into the director's voicemail.
2. I got a friend who sometimes works there to speak to the recreation director. He said he would call me. He never did.
3. I called the LGBT senior services center where I performed several times and got the name and phone number of the new events planner. I left her a voicemail message. I found her email address and sent her an email. No response. I know a volunteer there; I think I will send her an email this week.
4. I found the name of another nursing home/residence and actually spoke in person to the recreation director (I called at 9:02 am - good strategy!) She asked me to send a video and some more information so I sent her a few videos and a program from my last recital. That was several weeks ago. I will call her again.
5. Next week I will google "Living Room Concerts" and see what I get.
I was thinking of making New Year's resolutions, but I don't even know of what kind. Do I need to work harder? Who will know other than my teacher? Do I need more chutzpah? How would that express itself? Do I need to do a better job of networking? If so, with whom?
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
The Eye of the Needle
"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.” (Mark 10:25)
This was the subject of last Sunday's sermon and I must say, yes, I believe that.
Like all Americans, I can respect an entrepreneur, but inherited wealth is something else. In my book, people with inherited wealth owe the universe a lot in order to redeem themselves morally and spiritually.
The first thing I would tell them is that "Charity begins at home, and screw whether or not it's tax deductible" for starters.
The impetus for this post, in the interests of full disclosure, came not from the Bible reading, but from my strong feeling that I should end a friendship (or ease out of it to the extent that I am still in it).
There are three people whom I feel acquitted themselves very poorly on the 65th birthday that I never had, and I will hold their feet to the fire for quite some time. These are all "friends" sort of, but are they?
One woman is primarily a friend of my partner's. She says she sent me a birthday card but that it came back because it had the wrong ZIP code. If that had been the only snafu, I would probably blow it off, as she is primarily my partner's friend. On the other hand, this woman (at 70) still snivels like a child if a friend forgets to send her a birthday card, so doesn't she know about the Golden Rule? If a card is important to her, shouldn't it be important to me also, especially on a birthday when many people I know have gotten expensive trips, parties, flowers, and jewelry. You can read more here.
As I said, I am not going to hold onto a killer resentment over this, but this friend will never get another birthday card from me (or from my partner, because I am the one who buys them).
Another woman actually has been a very very very good friend, although she is bristly, and I never know when she is going to take out after me. She has done many generous things for me and my partner. Now she has moved across the continent, and I am at a point where I need friends here for a whole variety of reasons. Rather ironically, she too sent me a birthday card which apparently came back because it didn't have an apartment number on it. So she wrote to me and told me and asked me what should she do??? Send it again or save it for next year!! Kidding, right? If I had screwed up like that (particularly on a special birthday) I would not say boo, but would take my fingers to the Jacquie Lawson web site (she was actually one of the people who introduced me to it) and send a big flashy "happy belated birthday" card. I mean if I were singing and I made a mistake, I wouldn't stop with egg on my face and ask the audience "oh no, what should I dooooo?"
But these are small matters. As time passes, I am not going to stay angry with either of these people although I will never acknowledge their birthdays again. (As an aside, the second woman was having some minor surgery so I sent her a get well card from the Jacquie Lawson site, by way of "modeling" good behavior. She thanked me. Whether she "got it" is anyone's guess.) I think my anger at this woman stems mostly from my having confided in her before my birthday telling her how depressed I was that I had gotten to be 65 and didn't know anyone with the wherewithal or interest to do anything to see that I had a special day, even something small.
But here's the worst. There is a woman I have known for over 30 years who is independently wealthy. She was, yes, a friend, and we spent good times together both one on one, with my partner, and with other friends, but, knowing how wealthy she was I was always horrified at how stingy she was. For example she would dicker over a restaurant tip, or count pennies when dividing up a restaurant check, even knowing that the other five people at the table probably had one twentieth the amount of money she had. Tacky. After her mother died she became even wealthier and at one point she said she had no idea how to spend all that money on - herself!! Hello??? Now, true, she gives a lot of money to various charities, but charity begins at home IMHO and it can start with picking up the check in a restaurant if you are having a meal with two people whose incomes put them in the second to the bottom quintile, for example . Or giving someone a theater ticket that you can't use. I remember her offering me a ticket to a Broadway show, telling me it cost $60. When I said that was too much, I could see her eyes clicking like a calculator seeing how much she could get for it. So I bought it from her for $40. But the point is that IMHO the whole thing was "unseemly" as my mother would have said. My mother was relatively poor, but she would never have tried to sell anyone a theater ticket. If she couldn't use it or exchange it for a "rain check", she would give it to someone, either someone who didn't feel they could afford to go to the theater, or maybe someone well off who had done her a favor that she hadn't yet been able to repay.
So to cut to the chase, this woman did not acknowledge my birthday in any way. She knows when it is and in fact was always one of the people who would come along when we had lunch in a restaurant (and she usually made a scene about the service or about the tip). She was traveling. That's what she does now: segue from one luxury cruise to another. So OK, I didn't expect her to interrupt her travels to come join me and my partner for lunch but a Jacquie Lawson card (ah, love ya, Jacquie!) wouldn't have gone amiss if she wasn't near a card store. Or she could have spent what she would have spent on lunch and wired me flowers.
This has come up again because she found a moment between travels (the first she's had since July!!!) to visit my partner. They had lunch. I didn't even ask if she paid for the lunch because believe me, if she didn't, she is even sleazier than I thought she was. On the other hand she was very helpful to my partner about various legal and financial matters, so that's something
This morning I got an email from her asking if I could have dinner on Thursday and she said if not then, sometime soon. I wrote back and said that Thursday was now choir practice night, and I thanked her for being helpful to my partner.
I am not saying here that I am writing her off forever and ever, and at this point I don't want to read her the riot act. But I'm not up for dinner right now. Maybe after she squeezes herself through the eye of a needle.
Oh, and that reminds me, I really need to try to catch hold of the woman at the Senior Home where I want to do my birthday concert, so that I can put the date on my calendar. When I invite people I will tell them it's my birthday and that the only "presents" I want are for them to come, preferably with a cell phone camera to make videos, and that flowers are always appreciated. What diva doesn't want flowers?
ETA: I need to add a few things here. First, I just found out that a friend of my partner's, who is primarily a friend of the first woman I mentioned here, has terminal cancer. Obviously, devastating news like that, and the effect it has on everyone, trumps small concerns such as what I wrote here. I am taking note, and mean to be grateful for what I have. Second, Clueless Rich Lady sent a second email to me asking when would be a good time for her, me and my partner to have lunch. I am just going to let it sit. I will ask my therapist (seeing her Tuesday) what to do. The issue is less that I never want to see Clueless again, but that right now I am too angry and worry that if I go to lunch I will just lose it, which is something I don't want to do. Obviously this is not just about this birthday. It is about my anger in general at rich people who are stingy, and has been building for a while. And lastly, lest people think I'm just a shallow spoiled princess, my meltdown over this birthday fiasco was one of those watersheds that people have in their lives from time to time. It was about feeling like Cinderella surrounded by rich, befriended people whose friends and families throw them parties and take them on vacations (material things I care less about); feeling that, I suppose, because of choices I have made and chance, I managed to reach the age of 65 without knowing the sort of people who have either the wherewithal or the interest in making a special day for me (and considering how little money I have and how much time I spend caregiving and how few treats I have other than singing, which is something I provide for myself, I deserve one); and ending up with a loved one who would rather have a tantrum about my cleavage than see me happy. So it was if nothing else a wakeup call that I need to make changes, and maybe letting my relationship with Clueless chill for awhile can be one of them.
This was the subject of last Sunday's sermon and I must say, yes, I believe that.
Like all Americans, I can respect an entrepreneur, but inherited wealth is something else. In my book, people with inherited wealth owe the universe a lot in order to redeem themselves morally and spiritually.
The first thing I would tell them is that "Charity begins at home, and screw whether or not it's tax deductible" for starters.
The impetus for this post, in the interests of full disclosure, came not from the Bible reading, but from my strong feeling that I should end a friendship (or ease out of it to the extent that I am still in it).
There are three people whom I feel acquitted themselves very poorly on the 65th birthday that I never had, and I will hold their feet to the fire for quite some time. These are all "friends" sort of, but are they?
One woman is primarily a friend of my partner's. She says she sent me a birthday card but that it came back because it had the wrong ZIP code. If that had been the only snafu, I would probably blow it off, as she is primarily my partner's friend. On the other hand, this woman (at 70) still snivels like a child if a friend forgets to send her a birthday card, so doesn't she know about the Golden Rule? If a card is important to her, shouldn't it be important to me also, especially on a birthday when many people I know have gotten expensive trips, parties, flowers, and jewelry. You can read more here.
As I said, I am not going to hold onto a killer resentment over this, but this friend will never get another birthday card from me (or from my partner, because I am the one who buys them).
Another woman actually has been a very very very good friend, although she is bristly, and I never know when she is going to take out after me. She has done many generous things for me and my partner. Now she has moved across the continent, and I am at a point where I need friends here for a whole variety of reasons. Rather ironically, she too sent me a birthday card which apparently came back because it didn't have an apartment number on it. So she wrote to me and told me and asked me what should she do??? Send it again or save it for next year!! Kidding, right? If I had screwed up like that (particularly on a special birthday) I would not say boo, but would take my fingers to the Jacquie Lawson web site (she was actually one of the people who introduced me to it) and send a big flashy "happy belated birthday" card. I mean if I were singing and I made a mistake, I wouldn't stop with egg on my face and ask the audience "oh no, what should I dooooo?"
But these are small matters. As time passes, I am not going to stay angry with either of these people although I will never acknowledge their birthdays again. (As an aside, the second woman was having some minor surgery so I sent her a get well card from the Jacquie Lawson site, by way of "modeling" good behavior. She thanked me. Whether she "got it" is anyone's guess.) I think my anger at this woman stems mostly from my having confided in her before my birthday telling her how depressed I was that I had gotten to be 65 and didn't know anyone with the wherewithal or interest to do anything to see that I had a special day, even something small.
But here's the worst. There is a woman I have known for over 30 years who is independently wealthy. She was, yes, a friend, and we spent good times together both one on one, with my partner, and with other friends, but, knowing how wealthy she was I was always horrified at how stingy she was. For example she would dicker over a restaurant tip, or count pennies when dividing up a restaurant check, even knowing that the other five people at the table probably had one twentieth the amount of money she had. Tacky. After her mother died she became even wealthier and at one point she said she had no idea how to spend all that money on - herself!! Hello??? Now, true, she gives a lot of money to various charities, but charity begins at home IMHO and it can start with picking up the check in a restaurant if you are having a meal with two people whose incomes put them in the second to the bottom quintile, for example . Or giving someone a theater ticket that you can't use. I remember her offering me a ticket to a Broadway show, telling me it cost $60. When I said that was too much, I could see her eyes clicking like a calculator seeing how much she could get for it. So I bought it from her for $40. But the point is that IMHO the whole thing was "unseemly" as my mother would have said. My mother was relatively poor, but she would never have tried to sell anyone a theater ticket. If she couldn't use it or exchange it for a "rain check", she would give it to someone, either someone who didn't feel they could afford to go to the theater, or maybe someone well off who had done her a favor that she hadn't yet been able to repay.
So to cut to the chase, this woman did not acknowledge my birthday in any way. She knows when it is and in fact was always one of the people who would come along when we had lunch in a restaurant (and she usually made a scene about the service or about the tip). She was traveling. That's what she does now: segue from one luxury cruise to another. So OK, I didn't expect her to interrupt her travels to come join me and my partner for lunch but a Jacquie Lawson card (ah, love ya, Jacquie!) wouldn't have gone amiss if she wasn't near a card store. Or she could have spent what she would have spent on lunch and wired me flowers.
This has come up again because she found a moment between travels (the first she's had since July!!!) to visit my partner. They had lunch. I didn't even ask if she paid for the lunch because believe me, if she didn't, she is even sleazier than I thought she was. On the other hand she was very helpful to my partner about various legal and financial matters, so that's something
This morning I got an email from her asking if I could have dinner on Thursday and she said if not then, sometime soon. I wrote back and said that Thursday was now choir practice night, and I thanked her for being helpful to my partner.
I am not saying here that I am writing her off forever and ever, and at this point I don't want to read her the riot act. But I'm not up for dinner right now. Maybe after she squeezes herself through the eye of a needle.
Oh, and that reminds me, I really need to try to catch hold of the woman at the Senior Home where I want to do my birthday concert, so that I can put the date on my calendar. When I invite people I will tell them it's my birthday and that the only "presents" I want are for them to come, preferably with a cell phone camera to make videos, and that flowers are always appreciated. What diva doesn't want flowers?
ETA: I need to add a few things here. First, I just found out that a friend of my partner's, who is primarily a friend of the first woman I mentioned here, has terminal cancer. Obviously, devastating news like that, and the effect it has on everyone, trumps small concerns such as what I wrote here. I am taking note, and mean to be grateful for what I have. Second, Clueless Rich Lady sent a second email to me asking when would be a good time for her, me and my partner to have lunch. I am just going to let it sit. I will ask my therapist (seeing her Tuesday) what to do. The issue is less that I never want to see Clueless again, but that right now I am too angry and worry that if I go to lunch I will just lose it, which is something I don't want to do. Obviously this is not just about this birthday. It is about my anger in general at rich people who are stingy, and has been building for a while. And lastly, lest people think I'm just a shallow spoiled princess, my meltdown over this birthday fiasco was one of those watersheds that people have in their lives from time to time. It was about feeling like Cinderella surrounded by rich, befriended people whose friends and families throw them parties and take them on vacations (material things I care less about); feeling that, I suppose, because of choices I have made and chance, I managed to reach the age of 65 without knowing the sort of people who have either the wherewithal or the interest in making a special day for me (and considering how little money I have and how much time I spend caregiving and how few treats I have other than singing, which is something I provide for myself, I deserve one); and ending up with a loved one who would rather have a tantrum about my cleavage than see me happy. So it was if nothing else a wakeup call that I need to make changes, and maybe letting my relationship with Clueless chill for awhile can be one of them.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Thoughts on Making Lemonade
I had probably one of the worst birthdays ever, particularly as this was supposed to be a big one, and it's one for which other people have had parties (thrown for them by others or not), been given expensive presents, or taken the "trip of a lifetime".
I basically got nothing. Four cards, two ecards, probably at least 25 Facebook messages, and an outing to the Morgan Library that was more about caregiving than about enjoying myself (although I suppose I did some of that). (They were having an exhibit of manuscript and drawings from Alice in Wonderland, one of my favorite childhood books, and what better way to spend my first official day as a senior citizen than by revisiting something from my childhood?)
But the worst was yet to come. As sort of an afterthought, my partner said she would like to take me to lunch on Saturday (after my birthday). In decades past, it had been possible to get together at least 10 people for such a lunch, both on a personal level, and then again (with different people) at the office. Since then, two of my close friends have died, as has my mother, three or four have moved permanently, and the rest were traveling and really couldn't have given a flying fig if it was my birthday or not and didn't even bother to send me a card or even an email.
Because I knew I wasn't going to get any presents, I bought myself a summer dress at Land's End (it had been extremely hot and I needed another sleeveless dress). Here is what it looked like.
Considering the things women wear these days, I would hardly call it shockingly risque, but apparently the fact that it showed some cleavage (I am busty, I have cleavage, I look good in this style of dress, and it was hot out) caused my partner to have a nasty meltdown over my "displaying myself". Things got so ugly that I did not sleep all night last Friday and spent three hours crying on Saturday. I said I did not want to go to lunch. I cried not over being "slut-shamed" (really who cares what is showing when you're 65 anyhow) but because it hadn't seemed possible for anyone to set aside any time to see that ****I**** had a special day. Just for me. Just for me to wear and do what I felt like without my having to either take care of them or apologize for entangling with their pathologies.
The upshot of it all was that my partner apologized, yes we did have lunch, I put a napkin over my chest while we were eating, and I made a "deal" with her that I would not wear that dress again if she bought me something else (I had found a cotton dress in a catalog for $40 that had a high neck). I wasn't able to save the image, but it is a lightweight cotton dress that is not too long (no mean feat as I'm now between 5'2 and 5'3 which is apparently off the charts short these days) and that I can hand wash. It arrived today and looks good. I really really love the other dress though and by gum I will wear it when she is not around.
On a more positive note.
When I mentioned my despair to a friend of mine (she lives in another state and has health problems, not to mention very little money, so she is not someone from whom I expected fireworks on my birthday although it is of note that she is one person who did take the time to send me a real card) she said that if what I wanted more than anything was a special birthday, I should plan a concert next year on or near my birthday. Nothing makes me feel more special than singing, right? And I can do my second favorite thing in the whole world: get dressed up!!
So now I am really excited about this. I am keeping an "idea book" with notes on repertoire. It will be purely upbeat. No heavy opera (except perhaps Dalila's aria, which to me is like a second skin and is in a range as comfortable as most musical theater pieces). I don't want to post more about it now, because I don't want to spoil it (of course once I have the plan completed all details will be revealed.)
I am still going to try to do Carmen at the LGBT senior center, though. That can be in April (I think Easter will be early in 2016) and my birthday is at the end of July.
And you will never guess what the best (belated) birthday present that I got today was!!
At my voice lesson I. SANG. A. HIGH. C. SHARP!!! That is the highest note I have ever sung since I was 13, before I started smoking. My teacher was absolutely speechless. Here I am at the age when singers are losing range and I am gaining it!! Maybe I will turn out to be the Benjamin Button of singers?
I basically got nothing. Four cards, two ecards, probably at least 25 Facebook messages, and an outing to the Morgan Library that was more about caregiving than about enjoying myself (although I suppose I did some of that). (They were having an exhibit of manuscript and drawings from Alice in Wonderland, one of my favorite childhood books, and what better way to spend my first official day as a senior citizen than by revisiting something from my childhood?)
But the worst was yet to come. As sort of an afterthought, my partner said she would like to take me to lunch on Saturday (after my birthday). In decades past, it had been possible to get together at least 10 people for such a lunch, both on a personal level, and then again (with different people) at the office. Since then, two of my close friends have died, as has my mother, three or four have moved permanently, and the rest were traveling and really couldn't have given a flying fig if it was my birthday or not and didn't even bother to send me a card or even an email.
Because I knew I wasn't going to get any presents, I bought myself a summer dress at Land's End (it had been extremely hot and I needed another sleeveless dress). Here is what it looked like.
The upshot of it all was that my partner apologized, yes we did have lunch, I put a napkin over my chest while we were eating, and I made a "deal" with her that I would not wear that dress again if she bought me something else (I had found a cotton dress in a catalog for $40 that had a high neck). I wasn't able to save the image, but it is a lightweight cotton dress that is not too long (no mean feat as I'm now between 5'2 and 5'3 which is apparently off the charts short these days) and that I can hand wash. It arrived today and looks good. I really really love the other dress though and by gum I will wear it when she is not around.
On a more positive note.
When I mentioned my despair to a friend of mine (she lives in another state and has health problems, not to mention very little money, so she is not someone from whom I expected fireworks on my birthday although it is of note that she is one person who did take the time to send me a real card) she said that if what I wanted more than anything was a special birthday, I should plan a concert next year on or near my birthday. Nothing makes me feel more special than singing, right? And I can do my second favorite thing in the whole world: get dressed up!!
So now I am really excited about this. I am keeping an "idea book" with notes on repertoire. It will be purely upbeat. No heavy opera (except perhaps Dalila's aria, which to me is like a second skin and is in a range as comfortable as most musical theater pieces). I don't want to post more about it now, because I don't want to spoil it (of course once I have the plan completed all details will be revealed.)
I am still going to try to do Carmen at the LGBT senior center, though. That can be in April (I think Easter will be early in 2016) and my birthday is at the end of July.
And you will never guess what the best (belated) birthday present that I got today was!!
At my voice lesson I. SANG. A. HIGH. C. SHARP!!! That is the highest note I have ever sung since I was 13, before I started smoking. My teacher was absolutely speechless. Here I am at the age when singers are losing range and I am gaining it!! Maybe I will turn out to be the Benjamin Button of singers?
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Positive Thinking, Wishes, and Something Totally New
Sunday's Times had an op ed piece called The Problem with Positive Thinking.
This interested me because I try to stay optimistic, but have been beaten down by so many disappointments that it is hard not to sink into despair. This article stressed that using only positive thinking does not help people achieve goals, but rather, what is most helpful is a combination of positive thinking and "realism", in other words imagining obstacles that stand in the way of your wish. One sentence in particular stood out:
"When participants have performed mental contrasting with wishes that are not reasonable or attainable, they have disengaged more from those wishes."
Now with me, here's the thing, and I only realized this as I was reading. I have a very hard time "disengaging" from wishes when I believe that the obstacles are external rather than internal. If, for example, despite studying voice now for 10 years, I had not made any progress (let's say I had gone to several different teachers to check out what was stalling me), something might ring a bell telling me that it was time to invest my energy in something else. (And in any event, I don't all that much enjoy doing something if I don't do it well, or see my way clear to doing it well; at least I am not going to invest a lot of time and money in it.) But I am singing well, and have made exceptional progress this year.
What makes me angry, is that most of the obstacles are external. First, there's the presence of too many talented people scrambling for too few opportunities (and the yearly influx of more of these people, which makes it impossible to climb the food chain as my skill level increases). Then there's the almost daily availability of every possible sort of musical or theatrical event, at every price range, which siphons off any potential audience I might have, howevermuch people care about me and want to be supportive. Some people have large families and circles of friends who are not themselves necessarily all that knowledgeable about classical music, who will sort of function as a claque, but I don't have this. Which brings me to a topic I had written about in the past: the role of praise versus constructive criticism. I think the latter is essential coming from teachers, coaches, and directors, but it's nice to get the former from a group of loved ones, you know, the people who think whatever you do is wonderful because they love you and it's not really their area of expertise. This is what I find lacking, mostly because I have no extended biological family and among my circle of friends, even the ones who are not musicians have been going to concerts or the opera for decades and so even if they don't hear flaws in my actual singing, they know the difference between a homemade performance piece based on Carmen and someone's senior recital at a big conservatory. Not to mention that I can't go anywhere where there's a group of more than 20 people where at least two of them haven't worked (often for money at a high level) in the performing arts. So this simply is not the identity I have with these people.
But I can't disengage from these wishes, which have scaled down considerably from doing something "professional" in opera, to doing something high profile in amateur opera, to just being able to get a decent sized audience for something I produce myself. I have a big operatic voice that is not going to be satisfied doing nothing but singing in a choir where I have to "blend" or even singing the occasional church solo in a limited range both vocal and dynamic.
That being said, I have something new that I am going to look into, that is not like anything else I had ever thought of. Howevermuch my SO drives me crazy, and however relieved I am that we do not live together or have comingled finances, making her last years happy is one of the most important things in my life. Nothing really makes me as happy as seeing her smile, or picking up my phone (she doesn't have or know how to use email) and hearing one of the endearments she calls me. On several occasions she has mentioned that she misses choral singing. There is a Unitarian church in her neighborhood (not the one we went to together where I met the Mentor) which I am sure she could go to if she asked someone to escort her (churches do that), but she has not done that.
A few days ago I happened to see a story on tv about an experimental choral group for people with Alzheimers and their caregivers. So I looked at their web site and sent them an email. I said that I was a trained classical singer and that my partner, although she did not have Alzheimers, had some memory loss and was elderly and quite frail, and had said she missed choral singing. So they invited us to come to one of their (free) concerts, and told us when the first rehearsal of the new year would be (on a day in January, so fingers crossed that the streets are not clogged with snow). They said they decide at that rehearsal whether they think people would be suitable for the chorus. So I have no idea where this is going, but if we got involved it would mean one weekday afternoon rehearsal each week, and three concerts a year on Saturday afternoons (so it would not interfere with choir, and I could probably still do my spring concert and maybe a few other things). It would be something my SO and I could share, and it would get her out of the house. So this is one day at a time.
I don't think it will be "enough"; as long as my big dramatic voice is still throbbing inside me like a bird that needs to soar I can't squelch it, but maybe it will be something.
"When participants have performed mental contrasting with wishes that are not reasonable or attainable, they have disengaged more from those wishes."
Now with me, here's the thing, and I only realized this as I was reading. I have a very hard time "disengaging" from wishes when I believe that the obstacles are external rather than internal. If, for example, despite studying voice now for 10 years, I had not made any progress (let's say I had gone to several different teachers to check out what was stalling me), something might ring a bell telling me that it was time to invest my energy in something else. (And in any event, I don't all that much enjoy doing something if I don't do it well, or see my way clear to doing it well; at least I am not going to invest a lot of time and money in it.) But I am singing well, and have made exceptional progress this year.
What makes me angry, is that most of the obstacles are external. First, there's the presence of too many talented people scrambling for too few opportunities (and the yearly influx of more of these people, which makes it impossible to climb the food chain as my skill level increases). Then there's the almost daily availability of every possible sort of musical or theatrical event, at every price range, which siphons off any potential audience I might have, howevermuch people care about me and want to be supportive. Some people have large families and circles of friends who are not themselves necessarily all that knowledgeable about classical music, who will sort of function as a claque, but I don't have this. Which brings me to a topic I had written about in the past: the role of praise versus constructive criticism. I think the latter is essential coming from teachers, coaches, and directors, but it's nice to get the former from a group of loved ones, you know, the people who think whatever you do is wonderful because they love you and it's not really their area of expertise. This is what I find lacking, mostly because I have no extended biological family and among my circle of friends, even the ones who are not musicians have been going to concerts or the opera for decades and so even if they don't hear flaws in my actual singing, they know the difference between a homemade performance piece based on Carmen and someone's senior recital at a big conservatory. Not to mention that I can't go anywhere where there's a group of more than 20 people where at least two of them haven't worked (often for money at a high level) in the performing arts. So this simply is not the identity I have with these people.
But I can't disengage from these wishes, which have scaled down considerably from doing something "professional" in opera, to doing something high profile in amateur opera, to just being able to get a decent sized audience for something I produce myself. I have a big operatic voice that is not going to be satisfied doing nothing but singing in a choir where I have to "blend" or even singing the occasional church solo in a limited range both vocal and dynamic.
That being said, I have something new that I am going to look into, that is not like anything else I had ever thought of. Howevermuch my SO drives me crazy, and however relieved I am that we do not live together or have comingled finances, making her last years happy is one of the most important things in my life. Nothing really makes me as happy as seeing her smile, or picking up my phone (she doesn't have or know how to use email) and hearing one of the endearments she calls me. On several occasions she has mentioned that she misses choral singing. There is a Unitarian church in her neighborhood (not the one we went to together where I met the Mentor) which I am sure she could go to if she asked someone to escort her (churches do that), but she has not done that.
A few days ago I happened to see a story on tv about an experimental choral group for people with Alzheimers and their caregivers. So I looked at their web site and sent them an email. I said that I was a trained classical singer and that my partner, although she did not have Alzheimers, had some memory loss and was elderly and quite frail, and had said she missed choral singing. So they invited us to come to one of their (free) concerts, and told us when the first rehearsal of the new year would be (on a day in January, so fingers crossed that the streets are not clogged with snow). They said they decide at that rehearsal whether they think people would be suitable for the chorus. So I have no idea where this is going, but if we got involved it would mean one weekday afternoon rehearsal each week, and three concerts a year on Saturday afternoons (so it would not interfere with choir, and I could probably still do my spring concert and maybe a few other things). It would be something my SO and I could share, and it would get her out of the house. So this is one day at a time.
I don't think it will be "enough"; as long as my big dramatic voice is still throbbing inside me like a bird that needs to soar I can't squelch it, but maybe it will be something.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Another Disappointment
My therapy "homework" for these past two weeks has been identifying when I feel good about myself and when I don't. The premise is that if I felt better about myself I would not be so devastated by various disappointments. I think this is both true and not true. I think there can come a tipping point when after you have one disappointment too many it can affect how you feel about yourself.
What came out of this exercise is that most of the time I don't feel anything about myself, good or bad. Probably the biggest pleasant surprise I had this period was how well I sang at my last lesson, and the biggest disappointment (I can't really call it a "surprise") was being turned down for the Handel opera . Although that disappointment hit me harder than it normally would have because of the watershed-like disappointment of so few people coming to Carmen in the environment of everyone buzzing about "Little Miss Conservatory's" senior recital.
In any event, I don't think I particularly dislike myself (I know people who do - dislike themselves - and whatever it is I feel is not that.)
I think I wasted a large part of my life and made a lot of the wrong choices. I don't totally blame myself, because most of these stemmed from having squandered my "emerging adulthood" when I was drinking, after which it was in many ways too late to turn around and change course (I needed to earn a living, and chose the option that provided the most short-term financial security, for starters.) And sometimes I feel I am trapped with dull work because I am a dull person, but I don't dwell on that 24/7.
But these disappointments have made me very angry.
As for the latest one, the woman who produced the September 11 concert spoke about "outreach" events over the holidays. Last time she did this it was a sort-of concert in a nursing home that had a theater. There were 5 or 6 women and we each sang one or two solos and then did some caroling and sang some Chanukkah songs. I sang two songs in Spanish. Well, it turns out that what she is doing this time is only group songs, with little solos assigned from some of the songs. I would not mind participating in something like that, on an ad hoc basis (if she asked me about it a few weeks prior, and I came to one or two rehearsals) but there is no way in Hell I am paying to come to a "meetup" to sing group songs!!! And in point of fact, I think her asking people to pay for sessions to go over group songs shows major chutzpah and quite frankly I don't think she will get very many people who would be willing to do this. If we are volunteering out of the goodness of our hearts we shouldn't have to pay to do it!!! It's one thing to pay $20 at a meetup so that I can get coaching for a solo that I will be singing somewhere (singing it in an "outreach" venue is fine, even singing it at one of this women's "musicale"s in her living room is fine). But if there's nothing in it for me, I think it takes a hell of a lot of nerve to ask me to pay!!
So now this means there is nothing on my calendar again.
I am going to order the piano score of Verdi's "Ave Maria with Strings." It is unlikely that the choir director will want me to excerpt something from it, but who knows? I also found a Bach solo hymn called "Advent". It is not all that interesting in that it has four verses that are all the same, but I can offer that as an alternative. Or go back to something I had sung in the past, maybe Saint Saens' "Patiently I Have Waited for the Lord".
But I am stumped for ways in which I could feel better about myself that would make these disappointments less devastating (well, the second one, involving the holiday events, wasn't really "devastating" it mostly made me angry).
Someone who commented on my last post said "it isn't that people aren't interested in you, it's just that they are more interested in other people." Well, so how does that translate in real-world terms? It's not just about ego (basically, I know that living where I'm living - forgive me for inconsistent math, it's not my strong suit - I am like someone who nationwide is in the 88th percentile among classical singers who nonetheless ends up in the 20th percentile here). It's about being cheated out of a chance to do things that are "fun". For me, singing opera scenes is fun. Singing art songs on a program with other people singing art songs, where we all get our chance to shine, is fun. So I am cheated out of these chances to have "fun" even at the lowest level. I wouldn't call the singing I do in church "fun", unless I am singing a part where I can stand out (like being one of two second sopranos in a very difficult piece, or singing an alto part with the odd F or G in it that none of the other altos can sing). Singing church solos is spiritually fulfilling, but rarely "fun" (singing Erfreute Zeit was an exception) because I am singing during communion and always have to choose something quiet and unobtrusive, although I do get compliments. Getting compliments and applause is fun. Dressing up because the occasion is "special" is fun. So in addition to being made to feel mediocre and unimportant, I am deprived of "fun". And if I try to plan something myself, people don't come (except for a few friends who want to be supportive) because, as this commenter said, there are always things to do that are more fun, where they can hear world class musicians.
So is the only "fun" I'm going to have on a regular basis going to the grocery store in my low cut top and my stage makeup, knowing that people looking at me think I'm some kind of performer? Or singing opera scenes (sometimes gloriously) in my bathroom for my neighbors, one of whom is a music critic who goes to Lincoln Center three times a week, one of whom is a Juilliard trained coloratura (she actually was quite complimentary to me on several occasions), and many of whom go to the Met once a week when it's in season?
What came out of this exercise is that most of the time I don't feel anything about myself, good or bad. Probably the biggest pleasant surprise I had this period was how well I sang at my last lesson, and the biggest disappointment (I can't really call it a "surprise") was being turned down for the Handel opera . Although that disappointment hit me harder than it normally would have because of the watershed-like disappointment of so few people coming to Carmen in the environment of everyone buzzing about "Little Miss Conservatory's" senior recital.
In any event, I don't think I particularly dislike myself (I know people who do - dislike themselves - and whatever it is I feel is not that.)
I think I wasted a large part of my life and made a lot of the wrong choices. I don't totally blame myself, because most of these stemmed from having squandered my "emerging adulthood" when I was drinking, after which it was in many ways too late to turn around and change course (I needed to earn a living, and chose the option that provided the most short-term financial security, for starters.) And sometimes I feel I am trapped with dull work because I am a dull person, but I don't dwell on that 24/7.
But these disappointments have made me very angry.
As for the latest one, the woman who produced the September 11 concert spoke about "outreach" events over the holidays. Last time she did this it was a sort-of concert in a nursing home that had a theater. There were 5 or 6 women and we each sang one or two solos and then did some caroling and sang some Chanukkah songs. I sang two songs in Spanish. Well, it turns out that what she is doing this time is only group songs, with little solos assigned from some of the songs. I would not mind participating in something like that, on an ad hoc basis (if she asked me about it a few weeks prior, and I came to one or two rehearsals) but there is no way in Hell I am paying to come to a "meetup" to sing group songs!!! And in point of fact, I think her asking people to pay for sessions to go over group songs shows major chutzpah and quite frankly I don't think she will get very many people who would be willing to do this. If we are volunteering out of the goodness of our hearts we shouldn't have to pay to do it!!! It's one thing to pay $20 at a meetup so that I can get coaching for a solo that I will be singing somewhere (singing it in an "outreach" venue is fine, even singing it at one of this women's "musicale"s in her living room is fine). But if there's nothing in it for me, I think it takes a hell of a lot of nerve to ask me to pay!!
So now this means there is nothing on my calendar again.
I am going to order the piano score of Verdi's "Ave Maria with Strings." It is unlikely that the choir director will want me to excerpt something from it, but who knows? I also found a Bach solo hymn called "Advent". It is not all that interesting in that it has four verses that are all the same, but I can offer that as an alternative. Or go back to something I had sung in the past, maybe Saint Saens' "Patiently I Have Waited for the Lord".
But I am stumped for ways in which I could feel better about myself that would make these disappointments less devastating (well, the second one, involving the holiday events, wasn't really "devastating" it mostly made me angry).
Someone who commented on my last post said "it isn't that people aren't interested in you, it's just that they are more interested in other people." Well, so how does that translate in real-world terms? It's not just about ego (basically, I know that living where I'm living - forgive me for inconsistent math, it's not my strong suit - I am like someone who nationwide is in the 88th percentile among classical singers who nonetheless ends up in the 20th percentile here). It's about being cheated out of a chance to do things that are "fun". For me, singing opera scenes is fun. Singing art songs on a program with other people singing art songs, where we all get our chance to shine, is fun. So I am cheated out of these chances to have "fun" even at the lowest level. I wouldn't call the singing I do in church "fun", unless I am singing a part where I can stand out (like being one of two second sopranos in a very difficult piece, or singing an alto part with the odd F or G in it that none of the other altos can sing). Singing church solos is spiritually fulfilling, but rarely "fun" (singing Erfreute Zeit was an exception) because I am singing during communion and always have to choose something quiet and unobtrusive, although I do get compliments. Getting compliments and applause is fun. Dressing up because the occasion is "special" is fun. So in addition to being made to feel mediocre and unimportant, I am deprived of "fun". And if I try to plan something myself, people don't come (except for a few friends who want to be supportive) because, as this commenter said, there are always things to do that are more fun, where they can hear world class musicians.
So is the only "fun" I'm going to have on a regular basis going to the grocery store in my low cut top and my stage makeup, knowing that people looking at me think I'm some kind of performer? Or singing opera scenes (sometimes gloriously) in my bathroom for my neighbors, one of whom is a music critic who goes to Lincoln Center three times a week, one of whom is a Juilliard trained coloratura (she actually was quite complimentary to me on several occasions), and many of whom go to the Met once a week when it's in season?
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Not a Drop, but a Thud
So I heard back from the woman I sang the Handel for and she wrote back and said "no thank you". She didn't even offer me a cover.
Why has this upset me so much? The last two auditions I went to I didn't get anything and I just shrugged it off. Maybe because these were real live staged productions of big Italian operas and this was just a chance to sing a role in a Handel opera from a book in someone's living room. So I'm not even good enough to do that?
I just feel so much despair.
I was so happy with how I've been sounding (although I got into perilous waters at last week's choir practice singing a spiritual where the second sopranos end by pounding words on Fs and G flats at the top of the staff) but it's like a big so what. At the risk of making an inappropriate analogy, I feel the way certain ethnic groups feel about immigrants. No matter how well they do, a new wave of immigrants comes in and pushes them back to the bottom. Actually that's a very apt analogy, because no matter how much progress I make, there will be a new wave of people coming here who have a "package" (they sound perfect, look good, and have music degrees). So I end up on the bottom again.
I just don't know how many disappointments I can sustain. But apparently it's not enough to make me stop singing (and no, choral singing doesn't do it - I have to have a venue for solo singing, even in someone's living room where I'm just singing for peers, or in church). I know that the Mentor found me in the back of that church for a reason and I can't give up now. I feel like there's a huge bird beating its wings inside me and it has to fly. And no, it's not a little sparrow or a little robin but a huge tropical bird with bright colored feathers that wants to take people's breath away when it soars.
I think the last straw was when I produced Carmen, which was something innovative and different, and hardly anyone came. And that this annoyed the woman helping me produce it, to boot.
Yesterday I looked at the site for a nursing home/social service facility that brings in "performances". Well, guess what? All the names of scheduled performers were groups I'd heard of, the sort that get reviewed in the TIMES.
So I'm at a complete loss. And I don't even have anything on my calendar. Not one thing. Well, once the Advent schedule comes out I can chase the choir director around trying to get a spot to sing something (I am going to order the piano vocal score for Verdi's Ave Maria with Strings to see if I can excerpt something; otherwise I found a Bach hymn called "Advent" that is arranged as a solo.) And maybe the woman who produced the September 11 concert will have a Christmas concert in various outreach venues. At least she's savvy enough to know that if she wants to get a group of people to do this (last time it was 5 or 6 women) she has to offer us each solo verses in the carols we're doing.
And I will think of something else...
Why has this upset me so much? The last two auditions I went to I didn't get anything and I just shrugged it off. Maybe because these were real live staged productions of big Italian operas and this was just a chance to sing a role in a Handel opera from a book in someone's living room. So I'm not even good enough to do that?
I just feel so much despair.
I was so happy with how I've been sounding (although I got into perilous waters at last week's choir practice singing a spiritual where the second sopranos end by pounding words on Fs and G flats at the top of the staff) but it's like a big so what. At the risk of making an inappropriate analogy, I feel the way certain ethnic groups feel about immigrants. No matter how well they do, a new wave of immigrants comes in and pushes them back to the bottom. Actually that's a very apt analogy, because no matter how much progress I make, there will be a new wave of people coming here who have a "package" (they sound perfect, look good, and have music degrees). So I end up on the bottom again.
I just don't know how many disappointments I can sustain. But apparently it's not enough to make me stop singing (and no, choral singing doesn't do it - I have to have a venue for solo singing, even in someone's living room where I'm just singing for peers, or in church). I know that the Mentor found me in the back of that church for a reason and I can't give up now. I feel like there's a huge bird beating its wings inside me and it has to fly. And no, it's not a little sparrow or a little robin but a huge tropical bird with bright colored feathers that wants to take people's breath away when it soars.
I think the last straw was when I produced Carmen, which was something innovative and different, and hardly anyone came. And that this annoyed the woman helping me produce it, to boot.
Yesterday I looked at the site for a nursing home/social service facility that brings in "performances". Well, guess what? All the names of scheduled performers were groups I'd heard of, the sort that get reviewed in the TIMES.
So I'm at a complete loss. And I don't even have anything on my calendar. Not one thing. Well, once the Advent schedule comes out I can chase the choir director around trying to get a spot to sing something (I am going to order the piano vocal score for Verdi's Ave Maria with Strings to see if I can excerpt something; otherwise I found a Bach hymn called "Advent" that is arranged as a solo.) And maybe the woman who produced the September 11 concert will have a Christmas concert in various outreach venues. At least she's savvy enough to know that if she wants to get a group of people to do this (last time it was 5 or 6 women) she has to offer us each solo verses in the carols we're doing.
And I will think of something else...
Friday, September 26, 2014
Another Audition
I had an audition yesterday, the first in two years. I don't want to say too much about it, because I have no idea who might read this blog, but here are a few things that I feel I can make public.
First, I had stopped going to auditions because none of the opera groups here that don't pay people are interested in avocational singers (unless we've been doing it for decades and started out in music schools) no matter how well we sing. And the last time I actually got cast in something, a role consisting of about four chunks of music, the conductor was so abusive for unknown reasons (no one had any idea what I was doing that he didn't like) while mollycoddling a woman less than half my age to whom he had assigned the larger role for which I had auditioned (by "mollycoddling" I mean he put up with her coming in not only unprepared to sing her part, but unprepared to speak the words in rhythm and clueless about how to pronounce French).
I went to this particular audition because it was for a Handel opera and Handel is something I sing well. The fact that I have a church rep background not a 19th Century opera background (I am speaking of the things that I sing regularly in public) means that I probably know as much if not more about Handel style than a lot of singers.
I sang Bradamante's aria "Vorrei Vendicarmi". For me that sort of thing is not difficult. What is difficult for me is anything with big climactic high notes although I am getting much better with those. In fact the woman I auditioned for complimented me on my middle voice and my top A (which I had interpolated into one of the runs). She said my Italian pronunciation needed work. No one had ever told me that before, on the other hand this woman speaks Italian fluently and lived in Italy. So this is something I need to work on.
The bad news is I think I will be squeezed out by professionals or emerging professionals who have or will have or might have a gig to sing this role (or one like it) in a real professional performance. Even if I sang that aria as well as they did (which I might not have, which is another story).
This has made me sad and frustrated. If I need to work on vocal technique, or Italian pronunciation to be competitive, I can do those things. But I can't rewind the tape and be somewhere else in my life trajectory. I am not young (although I still look hot - men in their 30s and 40s are always hitting on me) and have no "future" in singing other than what I can make for myself (this does not mean that I will not keep singing better, just that other people's interest will not be there), so I will be pushed farther and farther into the background.
It makes me sad that there is nothing for us - people who discovered our passion for singing later in life and want to perform. I am not asking to be paid. I am only asking to be given a chance based on my own merits, not my resume or what people think my "future" might be. The professionals snatch up everything and use these no pay groups, even the pay-to-sings, as places to test drive roles. So they basically encroach on every sphere, no matter how humble. I was told, in fact, that people might come from as far afield as Chicago to read through one of these operas for a fee.
Well, the woman I sang for was very nice. She might find something for me. I said I was not interested in singing a comprimaria role (unless it was for money). I would rather sing two arias or art songs in a studio recital and get my share of the applause and the attention.
So now I have to ward off postpartum depression again.
It's so bittersweet. I keep singing better but the older I get the less "marketable" I am. Not because of my looks (if nothing else I have a better figure than a lot of 35 year olds) but because of how my "future" is perceived.
So OK, as for what I think about my future:
1. I bought two aria books: one of Handel opera arias and the other of Vivaldi opera arias (I have fallen in love with the little snippets of Vivaldi's Orlando Furioso that I have heard).
2. I am going to order the piano/vocal score of Verdi's "Ave Maria with Strings," which was written for a mezzo. I will see if something can be excerpted for Magnificat Sunday.
3. I will keep working on Amneris, including the dreaded scene with the two high B flats.
4. I will plan something and come up with a better marketing plan than whatever the one was that I used for Carmen.
First, I had stopped going to auditions because none of the opera groups here that don't pay people are interested in avocational singers (unless we've been doing it for decades and started out in music schools) no matter how well we sing. And the last time I actually got cast in something, a role consisting of about four chunks of music, the conductor was so abusive for unknown reasons (no one had any idea what I was doing that he didn't like) while mollycoddling a woman less than half my age to whom he had assigned the larger role for which I had auditioned (by "mollycoddling" I mean he put up with her coming in not only unprepared to sing her part, but unprepared to speak the words in rhythm and clueless about how to pronounce French).
I went to this particular audition because it was for a Handel opera and Handel is something I sing well. The fact that I have a church rep background not a 19th Century opera background (I am speaking of the things that I sing regularly in public) means that I probably know as much if not more about Handel style than a lot of singers.
I sang Bradamante's aria "Vorrei Vendicarmi". For me that sort of thing is not difficult. What is difficult for me is anything with big climactic high notes although I am getting much better with those. In fact the woman I auditioned for complimented me on my middle voice and my top A (which I had interpolated into one of the runs). She said my Italian pronunciation needed work. No one had ever told me that before, on the other hand this woman speaks Italian fluently and lived in Italy. So this is something I need to work on.
The bad news is I think I will be squeezed out by professionals or emerging professionals who have or will have or might have a gig to sing this role (or one like it) in a real professional performance. Even if I sang that aria as well as they did (which I might not have, which is another story).
This has made me sad and frustrated. If I need to work on vocal technique, or Italian pronunciation to be competitive, I can do those things. But I can't rewind the tape and be somewhere else in my life trajectory. I am not young (although I still look hot - men in their 30s and 40s are always hitting on me) and have no "future" in singing other than what I can make for myself (this does not mean that I will not keep singing better, just that other people's interest will not be there), so I will be pushed farther and farther into the background.
It makes me sad that there is nothing for us - people who discovered our passion for singing later in life and want to perform. I am not asking to be paid. I am only asking to be given a chance based on my own merits, not my resume or what people think my "future" might be. The professionals snatch up everything and use these no pay groups, even the pay-to-sings, as places to test drive roles. So they basically encroach on every sphere, no matter how humble. I was told, in fact, that people might come from as far afield as Chicago to read through one of these operas for a fee.
Well, the woman I sang for was very nice. She might find something for me. I said I was not interested in singing a comprimaria role (unless it was for money). I would rather sing two arias or art songs in a studio recital and get my share of the applause and the attention.
So now I have to ward off postpartum depression again.
It's so bittersweet. I keep singing better but the older I get the less "marketable" I am. Not because of my looks (if nothing else I have a better figure than a lot of 35 year olds) but because of how my "future" is perceived.
So OK, as for what I think about my future:
1. I bought two aria books: one of Handel opera arias and the other of Vivaldi opera arias (I have fallen in love with the little snippets of Vivaldi's Orlando Furioso that I have heard).
2. I am going to order the piano/vocal score of Verdi's "Ave Maria with Strings," which was written for a mezzo. I will see if something can be excerpted for Magnificat Sunday.
3. I will keep working on Amneris, including the dreaded scene with the two high B flats.
4. I will plan something and come up with a better marketing plan than whatever the one was that I used for Carmen.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I Have Some Serious Concerns - But I Will Have a Nice Recording
Although my cough and laryngitis are gone, I continue to have problems with nasal allergies (to what, I have no idea as I have lived six decades without any) and sinus drainage. My primary care doctor prescribed fluticasone, which is supposed to help this without the rebound affect of nasal sprays. It seems not to agree with me. I took it last night to stop endless sneezing and blowing my nose, and something (a side effect?) kept me awake for two hours in the middle of the night.
So when I went to my recording session I was very tired.
My warmup went well. I still am vocalizing up to High C every day and I sang the treacherous long run in "Amour Viens Aider" and that sounded good.
But from then on it was downhill all the way.
What I want to stress is that I will end up with a good recording because we got a really good take of every difficult phrase with a high note (except for one, where we decided to go with what we had and not isolate the phrase and splice it in), but what is upsetting was my inability to sing any of those notes decently even in pieces that I have sung well all my life, like "Stella del Marinar".
Overall, I know I am singing better. But I seem to be much more prey to fatigue (the panic is an old story) and it's harder to make a decent sound up there. I find that I can sing more reliably on a B flat (it's been a long time since my throat closed up) but if the B flat is 30% better, the A is about 30% worse. We're talking about notes that are the climax of a phrase. Probably the worst note was the A flat in "Liber Scriptus" which is really scary, as an A flat for me has always been no big deal.
I mean the whole scenario with the recording was the sort of thing that sapped my energy before we even began.
The first thing the engineer wanted to do was see what was "the loudest" phrase I was going to sing, so we went right for the run in "Amour". The first time it sounded fine, then not so. So I felt off to a rocky start. When we did the aria itself it sounded so-so. The engineer (who in the past never commented on my singing) said it didn't sound good and that the run coming down sounded "sloppy". So I did it over and he really liked it so we will splice it in.
I thought I had my energy back up for the Favorita aria, but again, I just didn't have enough oomph for that high A at the end. Listening to the recording, I decided it was good enough (it sounded a little "straight" but I did a nice portamento down from it).
But then things got a lot worse.
I started "Stella del Marinar" and then the engineer said his equipment wasn't working properly so we started again in the middle. I think I was just very tired, very "off" in terms of my body. So we did the ending separately. Now this is an aria I have sung well every time I've sung it. Now this one is not a sure thing. Really nothing any more is a sure thing. I feel like I'm back to square one. Not with everything but with these top notes. I just don't have the energy to make then spin. I never know when they're going to be ok and when they're not. It's like once I get above a G (in the past I would have said an A) all my technique goes out the window, time and time again.
Basically the same thing happened with "Liber Scriptus" although the engineer said the whole thing overall sounded good.
I think my voice (up to a G) has fewer holes and weak spots in it than it did two years ago, but the top notes do not sound as good, and this makes me so angry and distraught as I have been studying and studying and when they sound good, actually they sound better than two years ago but my body is less reliable.
When I complained to the engineer about getting tired he said "well, that's because you're old". I don't think he meant to be mean, he was just being factual.
And my teacher said the same thing. I called him up and he said a lot of this is that as we get older we lose muscle mass, cartilage flexibility, etc., and so this is something I am fighting even as I am working hard in the studio.
I just feel afraid now to do anything in public except sing church solos in a limited range, but I don't want to give up.
Church solos are nice, and I always sound professional singing in that limited range, but I am not a church singer personality. Or that is only part of me - the same part that reads Victorian novels and watches PBS Masterpiece, and snuggles with my cat.
But I am also a drama queen, someone who doesn't want to behave and be quiet and wear a black dress with a high neckline.
Well, I won't give up. I will go to sleep, be quiet all day tomorrow, go to choir practice and rehearse my solo (my teacher said this was ok) and then face Thursday's recording session fresh.
And then to January's audition. And I'm going to sing the mezzo solos from the Verdi Requiem somewhere somehow.
And not take any more Fluticasone.
So when I went to my recording session I was very tired.
My warmup went well. I still am vocalizing up to High C every day and I sang the treacherous long run in "Amour Viens Aider" and that sounded good.
But from then on it was downhill all the way.
What I want to stress is that I will end up with a good recording because we got a really good take of every difficult phrase with a high note (except for one, where we decided to go with what we had and not isolate the phrase and splice it in), but what is upsetting was my inability to sing any of those notes decently even in pieces that I have sung well all my life, like "Stella del Marinar".
Overall, I know I am singing better. But I seem to be much more prey to fatigue (the panic is an old story) and it's harder to make a decent sound up there. I find that I can sing more reliably on a B flat (it's been a long time since my throat closed up) but if the B flat is 30% better, the A is about 30% worse. We're talking about notes that are the climax of a phrase. Probably the worst note was the A flat in "Liber Scriptus" which is really scary, as an A flat for me has always been no big deal.
I mean the whole scenario with the recording was the sort of thing that sapped my energy before we even began.
The first thing the engineer wanted to do was see what was "the loudest" phrase I was going to sing, so we went right for the run in "Amour". The first time it sounded fine, then not so. So I felt off to a rocky start. When we did the aria itself it sounded so-so. The engineer (who in the past never commented on my singing) said it didn't sound good and that the run coming down sounded "sloppy". So I did it over and he really liked it so we will splice it in.
I thought I had my energy back up for the Favorita aria, but again, I just didn't have enough oomph for that high A at the end. Listening to the recording, I decided it was good enough (it sounded a little "straight" but I did a nice portamento down from it).
But then things got a lot worse.
I started "Stella del Marinar" and then the engineer said his equipment wasn't working properly so we started again in the middle. I think I was just very tired, very "off" in terms of my body. So we did the ending separately. Now this is an aria I have sung well every time I've sung it. Now this one is not a sure thing. Really nothing any more is a sure thing. I feel like I'm back to square one. Not with everything but with these top notes. I just don't have the energy to make then spin. I never know when they're going to be ok and when they're not. It's like once I get above a G (in the past I would have said an A) all my technique goes out the window, time and time again.
Basically the same thing happened with "Liber Scriptus" although the engineer said the whole thing overall sounded good.
I think my voice (up to a G) has fewer holes and weak spots in it than it did two years ago, but the top notes do not sound as good, and this makes me so angry and distraught as I have been studying and studying and when they sound good, actually they sound better than two years ago but my body is less reliable.
When I complained to the engineer about getting tired he said "well, that's because you're old". I don't think he meant to be mean, he was just being factual.
And my teacher said the same thing. I called him up and he said a lot of this is that as we get older we lose muscle mass, cartilage flexibility, etc., and so this is something I am fighting even as I am working hard in the studio.
I just feel afraid now to do anything in public except sing church solos in a limited range, but I don't want to give up.
Church solos are nice, and I always sound professional singing in that limited range, but I am not a church singer personality. Or that is only part of me - the same part that reads Victorian novels and watches PBS Masterpiece, and snuggles with my cat.
But I am also a drama queen, someone who doesn't want to behave and be quiet and wear a black dress with a high neckline.
Well, I won't give up. I will go to sleep, be quiet all day tomorrow, go to choir practice and rehearse my solo (my teacher said this was ok) and then face Thursday's recording session fresh.
And then to January's audition. And I'm going to sing the mezzo solos from the Verdi Requiem somewhere somehow.
And not take any more Fluticasone.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Bummer
Well, last night was the pits. It was in the mid 90s, roasting hot outside, and almost as hot in the church because - I guess - they want to save money on air conditioning (this is a familiar situation, nothing new and shocking).
Although I no longer sound as good as I did a week ago at my lesson, I thought I had some kind of a handle on the bloody ascending phrases in the Randall Thompson piece but by 9 pm I was wiped out (we hadn't done much difficult singing up to that point, it was just hot!) So I managed three high A flats (standing up) but when we got to the A natural it was sort of got "stuck" and sounded like a scream. The choir director played the piece slow as molasses (I'm not criticizing his judgment here, just that the more slowly that thing inches upward, the harder it is to support it) and I either lost my support, lost my nerve, or was just bloody tired! Finally on the last runthrough I went for broke and sort of pushed both the notes (the A flat and the A natural) somewhere where they sounded halfway decent but apparently that wasn't good enough.
This morning I got an email from the choir director asking me please not to sing those two measures but to sing the alto line instead. It turns out the day we're singing the piece the one soprano who can really sing up there won't be there so I don't think it will sound like much but then "no ma problemo". So it won't bloody matter what I eat, drink, or wear that day because I won't have to sing above an F sharp. (If I'm singing high I avoid tight pants or tight belts.) I mean when all is said and done this is not the most important singing-related issue in my life, My solos, and this operatic concert, are really what I need to keep my eye on. It's just that this feels like a "failure". If he had asked me not to sing those measures when he first assigned the piece I wouldn't care, but now this, as I said, feels like a failure, which smarts even more when I think of the hours and hours and hours and hours I spent on that phrase. On the other hand I guess I can put some of it to good use.
It seems that whereas I have a pretty good retention rate for various technical things I'm taught, if it involves singing above a G I have about a 40% retention rate, and, as they said about Kim Cljisters playing tennis, I'm very "streaky". I have good runs and very bad ones and I just seem not to have a lot of control over the situation. It's not as if I haven't gotten dozens of different pieces of advice re: how to stand, how to breathe, what my mouth should look like, what vowel (or consonant) I should imagine I'm singing, etc.
Anyhow, so this afternoon I decided that as there was nothing I needed to save a "pretty" sound for, I might as well take a crack at screaming my way through "Condotta". Not too bad. I mean regarding that B flat in the middle, all I have to do, worst case scenario, is scoop up from the A that Manrico will be singing, squeeze my glutes, and scream (and I don't mean scream in a way that will make me hoarse, just drop my larynx and if it doesn't want to spin that day, hey, I'm having a flashback about throwing a baby into the fire for Pete's sake! ) So now I really need to learn (and translate) all the words to the aria and duet, including all the intervening bits of recit. And then I'll go back to Laura.
In other news, I hope to be singing the Bach alto solo "Erfreute Zeit" from Cantata 83 with the beloved octagenarian violinist from the church. His health is failing, but we think he can still play if he has the violin solo part cut out of the score separately and it gets enlarged on the photocopier.
Although I no longer sound as good as I did a week ago at my lesson, I thought I had some kind of a handle on the bloody ascending phrases in the Randall Thompson piece but by 9 pm I was wiped out (we hadn't done much difficult singing up to that point, it was just hot!) So I managed three high A flats (standing up) but when we got to the A natural it was sort of got "stuck" and sounded like a scream. The choir director played the piece slow as molasses (I'm not criticizing his judgment here, just that the more slowly that thing inches upward, the harder it is to support it) and I either lost my support, lost my nerve, or was just bloody tired! Finally on the last runthrough I went for broke and sort of pushed both the notes (the A flat and the A natural) somewhere where they sounded halfway decent but apparently that wasn't good enough.
This morning I got an email from the choir director asking me please not to sing those two measures but to sing the alto line instead. It turns out the day we're singing the piece the one soprano who can really sing up there won't be there so I don't think it will sound like much but then "no ma problemo". So it won't bloody matter what I eat, drink, or wear that day because I won't have to sing above an F sharp. (If I'm singing high I avoid tight pants or tight belts.) I mean when all is said and done this is not the most important singing-related issue in my life, My solos, and this operatic concert, are really what I need to keep my eye on. It's just that this feels like a "failure". If he had asked me not to sing those measures when he first assigned the piece I wouldn't care, but now this, as I said, feels like a failure, which smarts even more when I think of the hours and hours and hours and hours I spent on that phrase. On the other hand I guess I can put some of it to good use.
It seems that whereas I have a pretty good retention rate for various technical things I'm taught, if it involves singing above a G I have about a 40% retention rate, and, as they said about Kim Cljisters playing tennis, I'm very "streaky". I have good runs and very bad ones and I just seem not to have a lot of control over the situation. It's not as if I haven't gotten dozens of different pieces of advice re: how to stand, how to breathe, what my mouth should look like, what vowel (or consonant) I should imagine I'm singing, etc.
Anyhow, so this afternoon I decided that as there was nothing I needed to save a "pretty" sound for, I might as well take a crack at screaming my way through "Condotta". Not too bad. I mean regarding that B flat in the middle, all I have to do, worst case scenario, is scoop up from the A that Manrico will be singing, squeeze my glutes, and scream (and I don't mean scream in a way that will make me hoarse, just drop my larynx and if it doesn't want to spin that day, hey, I'm having a flashback about throwing a baby into the fire for Pete's sake! ) So now I really need to learn (and translate) all the words to the aria and duet, including all the intervening bits of recit. And then I'll go back to Laura.
In other news, I hope to be singing the Bach alto solo "Erfreute Zeit" from Cantata 83 with the beloved octagenarian violinist from the church. His health is failing, but we think he can still play if he has the violin solo part cut out of the score separately and it gets enlarged on the photocopier.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
We Interrupt our Regular Verdi Programming to Bring You Some Randall Thompson
Well, it's back to good old Randall again. He sure knows how to throw a curve ball to choir sopranos. Every piece of his I've sung, except the "Alleluia", which moves quickly, despite the high tessitura, has a high A in the middle of it that needs to be sung sweetly. Sure it's marked "forte" in the score but that doesn't mean an Amneris forte, it means as loud as your average sweet voiced choir soprano can sing, which for me isn't even piano it's pianissimo.
Over the years I've fooled around with different pianissimo techniques and most of them work up to an A flat but that's it. Somehow, miraculously, I was able to find a little duckbill mouthed way to sing one of dear Randall's A naturals in a piece called "The Last Words" but that was several years ago and for whatever reason my voice is now louder and freer and making it smaller seems harder. Also, I think I've become inhibited now that we have a real conservatory trained coloratura in the soprano section. When it was just me and the untrained sopranos (snark, snark) it was really a toss-up: me being obnoxiously loud or the sound getting "tinny" up there.
At yesterday's choir practice I held my own throughout a Bach piece in quite a high tessitura (it basically went back and forth between the C above middle C and the G below high C). For whatever reason, maybe because the piece moved, I had no trouble with it at all. (I can sing "Rejoice Greatly", remember?) My nemesis seems to be sustained legato singing at the upper reaches of my range in a context where I have to sound sweet. An Amneris roar, I've got. Coloratura up there, I've got. But not a nice float.
My main interest in conquering this is twofold: first, it's a challenge. This is a skill that I want for its own sake. Whatever I do with it. And even if I fail with this note, whatever I've sweated for will stand me in good stead with something else. I also want to overcome nerves and inhibitions. I want to be able to do this skill as well as I can do it, sitting down in that roomfull of people. I don't want to panic and have my larynx rise like I'm going to choke.
The article by Jane Eaglen that I referenced in this post has stayed with me. If I drill that page with the high A over and over and over (there's another page with the same progression going up to an A flat that gives me less trouble) something will surface. Either that, or the choir director will tell me to sing the alto part or to sing the soprano part minus that note. Which wouldn't be the end of the world. If I ever got a paying job in a choir it would be as an alto section leader anyhow, I just find the challenges of singing soprano are more apt to help me learn new skills that I can use with my opera rep, as long as I don't squeeze my larynx in the wrong way.
So here's how I've fared so far: trying for a tight "oo", which is just like an exercise I do in the studio, makes the note too loud. It's actually "small" in the context of my general singing, but it's way too loud for the choir. The big cottonmouth doesn't do well up that high. On an A flat, yes. On an A natural, no. So I'm going for an open mouthed scoop, then crescendoing immediately into the descending scale so that I don't choke because I can't keep that position for very long. And I must have that downward progression down cold!! It's chromatic and very difficult and it's easy to end up on the wrong notes, which I must not do.
In other news, plans are more or less moving forward for my Fall concert although my teacher is getting cold feet again. He says he doesn't want to commit to it because he doesn't know how he'll be sounding or feeling. Well, if he backs out I can find some other people. It just makes me feel a lot of despair over not having a peer group. Most people my age who sing are winding down, either vocally or psychologically. So once again I feel between an rock and a hard place: young people who are learning, older people who are winding down, and amateurs who are really amateurs and can't sing the kind of music I can. So I feel very alone and at sea again.
Part of me is touched that the man I spoke of in this post was willing to help me organize and market my concert but part of me just wishes he would have invited me to sing something in one of his concerts so all the work wasn't on me.
Over the years I've fooled around with different pianissimo techniques and most of them work up to an A flat but that's it. Somehow, miraculously, I was able to find a little duckbill mouthed way to sing one of dear Randall's A naturals in a piece called "The Last Words" but that was several years ago and for whatever reason my voice is now louder and freer and making it smaller seems harder. Also, I think I've become inhibited now that we have a real conservatory trained coloratura in the soprano section. When it was just me and the untrained sopranos (snark, snark) it was really a toss-up: me being obnoxiously loud or the sound getting "tinny" up there.
At yesterday's choir practice I held my own throughout a Bach piece in quite a high tessitura (it basically went back and forth between the C above middle C and the G below high C). For whatever reason, maybe because the piece moved, I had no trouble with it at all. (I can sing "Rejoice Greatly", remember?) My nemesis seems to be sustained legato singing at the upper reaches of my range in a context where I have to sound sweet. An Amneris roar, I've got. Coloratura up there, I've got. But not a nice float.
My main interest in conquering this is twofold: first, it's a challenge. This is a skill that I want for its own sake. Whatever I do with it. And even if I fail with this note, whatever I've sweated for will stand me in good stead with something else. I also want to overcome nerves and inhibitions. I want to be able to do this skill as well as I can do it, sitting down in that roomfull of people. I don't want to panic and have my larynx rise like I'm going to choke.
The article by Jane Eaglen that I referenced in this post has stayed with me. If I drill that page with the high A over and over and over (there's another page with the same progression going up to an A flat that gives me less trouble) something will surface. Either that, or the choir director will tell me to sing the alto part or to sing the soprano part minus that note. Which wouldn't be the end of the world. If I ever got a paying job in a choir it would be as an alto section leader anyhow, I just find the challenges of singing soprano are more apt to help me learn new skills that I can use with my opera rep, as long as I don't squeeze my larynx in the wrong way.
So here's how I've fared so far: trying for a tight "oo", which is just like an exercise I do in the studio, makes the note too loud. It's actually "small" in the context of my general singing, but it's way too loud for the choir. The big cottonmouth doesn't do well up that high. On an A flat, yes. On an A natural, no. So I'm going for an open mouthed scoop, then crescendoing immediately into the descending scale so that I don't choke because I can't keep that position for very long. And I must have that downward progression down cold!! It's chromatic and very difficult and it's easy to end up on the wrong notes, which I must not do.
In other news, plans are more or less moving forward for my Fall concert although my teacher is getting cold feet again. He says he doesn't want to commit to it because he doesn't know how he'll be sounding or feeling. Well, if he backs out I can find some other people. It just makes me feel a lot of despair over not having a peer group. Most people my age who sing are winding down, either vocally or psychologically. So once again I feel between an rock and a hard place: young people who are learning, older people who are winding down, and amateurs who are really amateurs and can't sing the kind of music I can. So I feel very alone and at sea again.
Part of me is touched that the man I spoke of in this post was willing to help me organize and market my concert but part of me just wishes he would have invited me to sing something in one of his concerts so all the work wasn't on me.
Monday, December 13, 2010
A New Name, A New Day
First, the new name.
I had a very hard lesson this past week, which is maybe I'm not an "emerging pro".
Maybe I'm just a middle-aged woman (come on - you're 60, that's pushing it!) with a rather wild, undisciplined, large operatic voice, a truckload of diva personality, a minimum of musical training (I learn almost everything by ear but I do it so perfectly no one can tell), a sexy figure and a great hair dye job.
If anyone has been reading regularly, they will notice that I deleted the recent posts about Dialogues of the Carmelites. That is because I am planning to drop out. I booked an extra session today with the therapist I've been seeing for years, mostly to talk about problems with my partner's physical and mental health issues and how to deal with them and still have a life, to figure out the best way to do this.
Why am I doing this? It seems, according to this director, I can do nothing right, but I haven't a clue what he wants. I came there prepared. I knew my small role perfectly, I speak flawless French, and I sound quite lovely in the little solo secion (most of the bits of recitative are in my register break, which makes it hard to sound "lovely" in them, but I didn't think they were meant to be).
There is one other woman that this conductor has been bullying but at least she has a large role, so to her it's probably worth it.
There are two women singing the larger role that I had originally auditioned for, they are less than half my age, and one of them showed up at the first two rehearsals not even knowing how to speak the words to her part in time to the music.
Well, she's 25! Hardly the age of wisdom. When I was that age I hadn't even started studying singing seriously. It was the year I stopped drinking. And hardly the right age for the character she was playing. I can understand a director not wanting to cast me in a role like Erika in Vanessa (the first role I ever auditioned for for this conductor), but if this conductor thinks I'm too old for Erika, why would he want to cast a 25 year old as Mother Marie?
In any event, I am just no longer used to this kind of abuse. I might put up with it if the stakes were higher (if I were getting paid, or singing a large role that I was dying to sing) but for two pages of solo singing and a few lines of recit? No. This is not how I want to spend the first Christmas after my mother died.
I suppose part of me feels like a failure. This was my first venture in 30 years outside of being an (unpaid) choir soloist and singing in operatic concerts either that I produce myself or that someone else produces, in nursing homes or churches.
If this is what I can expect if I get a role I audition for, I don't think I want to go to any more auditions. This is a huge thing to say. It's a huge admission of defeat. Or maybe it's just that I have different values. Over the past several decades I have spent most of my time when I was not at work earning a living either in 12 Step programs or in churches (even though I have no birth religion, I consider myself a spiritual person) where regardless of what else is going on, it is woven into the organization's mission that people treat each other with respect and that there is no bullying or abuse.
For people who have read me at "the other place" I took quite a bit of abuse over the years from The Mentor Who Shall Not Be Discussed but I brought some of that on myself by falling in love with him and at least he did most of his bullying in his studio behind a closed door. And at least the whole thing started because he heard me singing from a hymnal in the back of a church and chose me as a protegee. I never foisted myself on him.
This doesn't mean I will never sing opera again. I am singing better and better thanks to those new exercises my teacher gave me and I have every intention of getting back to Amneris in preparation for the concert he wants to sing with me next year.
And I will still go to the meetups and aria classes where I can sing the music I love with a piano.
As for my new title? A few years ago I saw a play called I Am My Own Wife about a transgender man living in Nazi Germany.
So I can be "My Own Diva". One of my dreams has been to produce my own one woman show, a little chat interspersed with arias. Maybe that will find a market.
I had a very hard lesson this past week, which is maybe I'm not an "emerging pro".
Maybe I'm just a middle-aged woman (come on - you're 60, that's pushing it!) with a rather wild, undisciplined, large operatic voice, a truckload of diva personality, a minimum of musical training (I learn almost everything by ear but I do it so perfectly no one can tell), a sexy figure and a great hair dye job.
If anyone has been reading regularly, they will notice that I deleted the recent posts about Dialogues of the Carmelites. That is because I am planning to drop out. I booked an extra session today with the therapist I've been seeing for years, mostly to talk about problems with my partner's physical and mental health issues and how to deal with them and still have a life, to figure out the best way to do this.
Why am I doing this? It seems, according to this director, I can do nothing right, but I haven't a clue what he wants. I came there prepared. I knew my small role perfectly, I speak flawless French, and I sound quite lovely in the little solo secion (most of the bits of recitative are in my register break, which makes it hard to sound "lovely" in them, but I didn't think they were meant to be).
There is one other woman that this conductor has been bullying but at least she has a large role, so to her it's probably worth it.
There are two women singing the larger role that I had originally auditioned for, they are less than half my age, and one of them showed up at the first two rehearsals not even knowing how to speak the words to her part in time to the music.
Well, she's 25! Hardly the age of wisdom. When I was that age I hadn't even started studying singing seriously. It was the year I stopped drinking. And hardly the right age for the character she was playing. I can understand a director not wanting to cast me in a role like Erika in Vanessa (the first role I ever auditioned for for this conductor), but if this conductor thinks I'm too old for Erika, why would he want to cast a 25 year old as Mother Marie?
In any event, I am just no longer used to this kind of abuse. I might put up with it if the stakes were higher (if I were getting paid, or singing a large role that I was dying to sing) but for two pages of solo singing and a few lines of recit? No. This is not how I want to spend the first Christmas after my mother died.
I suppose part of me feels like a failure. This was my first venture in 30 years outside of being an (unpaid) choir soloist and singing in operatic concerts either that I produce myself or that someone else produces, in nursing homes or churches.
If this is what I can expect if I get a role I audition for, I don't think I want to go to any more auditions. This is a huge thing to say. It's a huge admission of defeat. Or maybe it's just that I have different values. Over the past several decades I have spent most of my time when I was not at work earning a living either in 12 Step programs or in churches (even though I have no birth religion, I consider myself a spiritual person) where regardless of what else is going on, it is woven into the organization's mission that people treat each other with respect and that there is no bullying or abuse.
For people who have read me at "the other place" I took quite a bit of abuse over the years from The Mentor Who Shall Not Be Discussed but I brought some of that on myself by falling in love with him and at least he did most of his bullying in his studio behind a closed door. And at least the whole thing started because he heard me singing from a hymnal in the back of a church and chose me as a protegee. I never foisted myself on him.
This doesn't mean I will never sing opera again. I am singing better and better thanks to those new exercises my teacher gave me and I have every intention of getting back to Amneris in preparation for the concert he wants to sing with me next year.
And I will still go to the meetups and aria classes where I can sing the music I love with a piano.
As for my new title? A few years ago I saw a play called I Am My Own Wife about a transgender man living in Nazi Germany.
So I can be "My Own Diva". One of my dreams has been to produce my own one woman show, a little chat interspersed with arias. Maybe that will find a market.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Another No Thank You
My last post was about how well I felt I'd sung at the little Musicale. Well, there was a possibility that this could have led to our singing (if not that scene then something) at a more public concert next month but it's not to be.
I got an email from our hostess saying she wouldn't be able to use us in that concert, and it was a "closed" letter not an open one, meaning she wished us good luck, but did nothing to indicate that she would be interested in us in the future. (In other words, she didn't say the equivalent of "I'll keep your resume on file", which really often does mean the person's interested, they just don't have a spot.)
So now it's on to our concert at the nursing home in October. It will be a chance to sing, and seniors (particularly there) are very appreciative, but for example we were told we couldn't invite more than five guests apiece, so it's hardly a chance to exercise bragging rights.
To keep my hand in a broad range of things, I have been looking at some Dvorak sacred songs that I might do as choir solos. They're in the book for "high voice" because the only other alternative is the book for "low voice" which is too low. This particular collection doesn't come in "medium voice" which is what would be most appropriate. They're not too high, don't get me wrong. One of them has a high A marked "forte" and two of the others have Gs marked "forte" which is fine, but the choir director probably won't like that. Well, if he likes one of the songs and wants me to transpose it down a whole step that's fine (I think the songs in the book for "low voice" are a third lower.)
I must admit I haven't felt a lot like singing for the past week. My little Dachshund has a herniated disc and he's staying with my partner, to be away from my cats and keep her company. He's supposed to be on "crate rest" but he hates being confined which means she's stuck in the house with him for the most part. We were told he's not a good candidate for surgery since he's 12.
I have a lesson tomorrow and am signed up for one of these singing Meetups (group coachings) on Tuesday night, so maybe that will get my energy back up.
I got an email from our hostess saying she wouldn't be able to use us in that concert, and it was a "closed" letter not an open one, meaning she wished us good luck, but did nothing to indicate that she would be interested in us in the future. (In other words, she didn't say the equivalent of "I'll keep your resume on file", which really often does mean the person's interested, they just don't have a spot.)
So now it's on to our concert at the nursing home in October. It will be a chance to sing, and seniors (particularly there) are very appreciative, but for example we were told we couldn't invite more than five guests apiece, so it's hardly a chance to exercise bragging rights.
To keep my hand in a broad range of things, I have been looking at some Dvorak sacred songs that I might do as choir solos. They're in the book for "high voice" because the only other alternative is the book for "low voice" which is too low. This particular collection doesn't come in "medium voice" which is what would be most appropriate. They're not too high, don't get me wrong. One of them has a high A marked "forte" and two of the others have Gs marked "forte" which is fine, but the choir director probably won't like that. Well, if he likes one of the songs and wants me to transpose it down a whole step that's fine (I think the songs in the book for "low voice" are a third lower.)
I must admit I haven't felt a lot like singing for the past week. My little Dachshund has a herniated disc and he's staying with my partner, to be away from my cats and keep her company. He's supposed to be on "crate rest" but he hates being confined which means she's stuck in the house with him for the most part. We were told he's not a good candidate for surgery since he's 12.
I have a lesson tomorrow and am signed up for one of these singing Meetups (group coachings) on Tuesday night, so maybe that will get my energy back up.
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