A Good Concert

All in all, today's concert went well.  The Bolena duet went very well, and that is what I always worry about because it's in a high tessitura and requires a lot of stamina.  I thought I used too much chest in the Gioconda duet but when I asked my teacher (and his wife) they said no.  I also thought "Mon Coeur" sounded (or felt) labored but it probably didn't sound that way to the audience.  I may work on both those early this week.  Normally in my practice sessions I have only been singing the Bolena.

The only critical feedback I got from my teacher was he said sometimes I was singing too softly.  This again was a room with a low ceiling, which can muffle the sound.

There was a small kerfuffle when we got there because apparently the space had been double booked (with a pianist and two singers, who were doing Mozart) but we were able to work things out by having them use the salon room upstairs.  That is a lovely room, just not as large as the room where I was singing.

Also, a few people told me I shouldn't sing "Home Sweet Home" to end nursing home concerts because the people may feel sad that they are not "home".  In the past, this thought briefly crossed my  mind, but I never really thought about it again because no one has ever seemed upset when I've sung that.  I talked about it with my teacher and he said maybe in the future (not for the concert in two weeks, because we have that all mapped out and are not doing additional rehearsals) we can sing "When You Walk Through a Storm" as a duet.

And a woman I used to work with came and brought me flowers.  I so love getting flowers and people rarely think of it.  She also said she might see about having me sing at a nursing home in Queens where her mother was.   I said that would be good in May or June.

A Personal Best

Well, I would say that taken as a whole, last night's recital was a "personal best".  Certainly "Tanti Affetti!"  I would never have been able to sing that even two years ago.  I guess I now really "own" a B flat.  Back to the dreaded Amneris/Radames some day? Maybe, or maybe not.  I just have lost my palate for that kind of thing.  Too bad, because that probably would have been my fach if I had started singing younger and been out there in the mix.  I just want to sing bel canto, Handel, Bach.  Speaking of Handel, the one piece I was not please with was "Had I Jubal's Lyre".  This was the first time I sang it in public without taking breaths in the long runs and I think it sounded a little sloppy.  I asked the accompanist to play it fast and maybe it was too fast.  Also it was the first thing I sang.

The videographer was there.  I offered to pay her and she refused.  She is such a lovely person and does such a professional job.  I'm sure when I see and hear the videos I will find things to criticize but that's the whole point.  If I like something, I can post it.  If I don't, I can learn something from it.

Now I have a respite and then I have to do the whole thing again.  I have never done a recital twice, so that will be interesting.  And next week I will meet the new accompanist for the first time.  My teacher's wife knows him.  And I talked to a friend about the neighborhood and she said it should be fine to go up there during the day. 

Here's a picture.

A Dream Achieved (2018)

This past Good Friday I sang a two page solo "Recordare" in the middle of the "Rex Tremendae" section of Schumann's Requiem.  It was perfect for my voice and the choir director was happy with it.  All I have ever sung on Good Friday in the past (Good Friday is the church's most high profile service, with an orchestra) is the alto line in a solo quartet.  And (totally by accident) this was the only solo of the evening.

The night before I had sung "Qui Sedes al Dexteram Patris" from Vivaldi's Gloria 588.

I got compliments on both from people who would rarely even give me the time of day before.

I need to keep up that momentum and build on that, such as it is.

Next challenge: Rossini's "Tanti Affetti".  If it is in decent shape by next week I will include it in my May recital program, otherwise not.

Great Joy and Great Sadness

Trovatore went well.  I was happy with how I sang, and my teacher was happy.  And he sounded great despite having been battling a cold.  The audience loved it although there were only half as many people as had come to Carmen.  The only SNAFU was that the event planner was on vacation, and the person she had turned this  over to left early and turned it over to someone else, so no one could find the programs.  So there weren't any.  But that was a minor matter.

The great sadness is that when the nurse came to see my partner on Wednesday she called 911 (I'm so grateful she was there - my partner never would have allowed me to do that) to take her to the ER if for no other reason than that she had a sprained ankle and could not even walk to the refrigerator.  She was in the ER for over 24 hours before she got a bed.  She had a UTI and pneumonia (a mild case) but I see a lot of other issues as well.  She sleeps way too much and is confused some of the time.  Legally, she is definitely compos mentis, and she did well on several parts of a memory test (the part she did not do well with involved sequences with numbers which is something she has never been able to understand), but she is too confused, in my opinion, to go back home and deal with trying to feed herself, understand materials that come in the mail, etc.  At some point she will be transferred from the hospital to a subacute rehab, and from there maybe she will go into long-term care.  She can't afford to have a home attendant every day and is not currently eligible for Medicaid.  I think once she is in a facility, though, they have staff that could work on that.

Well, even after over 40 years sober in AA, I think it's only now that I understand the idea of "one day at a time".

But I have to go on with my own life.  Fortunately Social Security covers half my expenses and I can always squeeze in 20 hours a week of copyediting to cover the other half.

And I am going to continue to sing although I am not going to plan anything big until I know what's going on with my partner.  My next project can be finding a solo to sing during the period between Christmas and Epiphany, when the choir is off.

And I have her cat, Darby.  So with him and my little Cash-Kiss (my new nickname for him) it's endless Tuxedo shenanigans.

Although tomorrow I have to arrange for Cash to have his nasal poly removed (the rescue people will pay for it).

Trovatore Take 1

Yesterday was the first of two rehearsals for Il Trovatore.  Because of everything that had been going on this past month - the loss of my Siamese, the introduction into my life and heart of my new kitty, my partner's continuing decline, computer problems - I had not had time ever to run through the entire program to see if I could pace myself, so I was worried.

Actually, my teacher had told me not to be, but I was still worried.

Well, my fears were groundless.  I sang a personal best, and if I can sing that well in the performance I will be happy.

This doesn't mean that I can "rust" on my laurels, however.  My teacher gave me a practice template, which I will stick to, and I will need to eat healthily (not too many sweets), rest, not get into screaming matches with people, and try, as much as possible, to avoid stress.

That latter is easier said than done, because my partner has sunk again into a scary nonspecific malaise (she nodded off during the ballet last week), and is less and less able to cope with daily living.  Some things may need to change, but she is not at death's door, and can survive certainly until my performance is over.  And someone is bringing her.

So wish me luck; that I can keep up this level of singing.

The accompanist told me how much more "bloom" my voice had on top, and he last heard me in May.

Yes! A Real Beginning of Something Real!

Today I got an email from the events manager at the venue where we sang on Monday and she said that people loved us and were thrilled with the performance.  She asked if we could come back and do something new in the Fall.  The email went to my teacher and his wife (and the pianist).  I wrote to him separately saying "Let's discuss this at my next lesson".  We had talked about doing Trovatore or maybe Samson et Dalila.  I had wanted to work on the scene from Tannhauser with Venus, but I don't think that's "accessible" enough for this type of a venue.

Also we will have to come up with a good script.  The Merimee novella is literature.  Opera plot synopses are not.  But we will come up with something.

In the meantime, here are some stills from the performance (still no videos).

A Real Beginning to Something Real?

Last night's Carmen was the best experience I have had singing to date.  I sang well, I acted well (we were singing from books and there was no staging, but I did use some movement, gestures, and facial expressions), and I knew all my music.

Best of all,  there was an audience of 150 people!  The venue was an LGBT senior center (not a residence) and of course a lot of gay men love opera (the audience was mostly male) and the program was scheduled to follow dinner.

My teacher wrote to me to say how "proud" he was of me, and that he hoped we could do something there again.  He said his wife loved narrating and that she would be happy to provide some kind of narration for a concert of opera scenes in the future.

The woman coordinating the event took video clips, so when I get them (if I don't get them by next week I will contact her) I will mention that we would be happy to sing there again.  I'm sure that they would be happy to have us because we got tons of compliments.

My partner was there with her friend, who has spent her life as an actress, and they both loved it.

So maybe this will be the beginning of my being "sought after", even on a small scale?

I hope to have videos soon, as well as some stills that my former boss took.  In the meantime, here are two selfies I snapped as I walked to the elevator.

Old Foes Become New Friends

Last night at choir practice we got Sunday's anthem, a piece by Alice Parker called "Hark I Hear the Harps Eternal".  It has three women's parts.  We have sung this piece at least twice.  The first time I sang the top part (which is the only soprano part) which sits at the top of the staff and goes up to a high A.  That was about 7 years ago when I still had to muster all my forces, gird my loins, and scream up there.  My doing that elicited a very negative response from the choir director in the form of a personal email.  The second time we sang it I sang the top alto part, which is a decent part - it goes up to an F.  When I came in last night I decided to beat him to the punch so I said, "you want the second sopranos to sing the top alto part, right" (just as a point of information, only one of the now five second sopranos, other than  Yours Truly, can sing a G let alone an A) and he said "well, we'll have to wait to see if the high sopranos [Little Miss and another woman that age who has come to New York to act] show up, so just sing it as written for now".  So I said "OK, I will give it a try".  I figured, ok, I'm following instructions.  I will sing the note with my real voice, and if he says no I can sing an F in its place, which would fit in the melody, but still stay on the top part otherwise.

Well, it was not hard at all.  It stayed "in line" and all I had to do was think "dark and deep", keep my larynx down, but my mouth not too wide open.  So that's that.  If on Sunday one of the high sopranos shows up and he doesn't want me to sing that note, I made my point.  Yes I can sing up there.  So all I have to do is keep talking to a minimum today and tomorrow because that's always the killer for me.

An in perfect synchronicity, this picture, with quote, showed up on Facebook.

In other news, at my last lesson I had some trouble with the high C sharp (I had had an allergy attack the night before and also my humidifier conked out and I hadn't bought a new one yet) so my teacher said to give it a rest.  Just to vocalize up to a B.  He also said to give the "Seguidilla" a rest and work on other scenes in the opera, which I need to do because he has added some recitative.

Hard Work Pays Off

Last night was, for me, a small triumph.  The choir picked up the Handel for the first time, and as there were three women's parts, the choir director started out assigning the top alto part (which has a range of about five notes - it's not low, but it doesn't go anywhere) to second sopranos, but then noticed that there would only be one woman left to sing the top part.  She is a trained singer (mostly musical theater) and sings with a nice line, as well as having a solid high B flat.  So I offered to sing it (does this mean last night?  does this mean for real?) because I had learned it at home.  It is not high.  It has a lot of melismatic singing going back and forth to a G which is in solid operatic mezzo territory.  The phrases require top-notch breath control, but there are plenty of instrumental interludes to recoup.

Because it was a new piece of music, it was not riddled with bad habits (like the soprano line in the "Halleluia Chorus").  This type of singing is something I do well.  In the past I would have been terrified that I was going to sound too loud, so I would have sung with a raised larynx in a "spread" position, which would have sound strident, not to mention  left me terrified that I was not going to make it.  This time I just sang with my real voice: dark vowels, larynx down, palate up, mouth not too wide open, to "mute" some of the volume.  I did not get tired.  I can easily sing this on a Sunday morning after a few runthroughs (just on "oo" if necessary) and not get tired.

I mean if some "real" sopranos show up, this may have been a flash in the pan.  There is a pair of twins with trained light lyric soprano voices (one used to sing professionally) who show up sometimes on Sundays to sing music that they know, so if they can "help out" I may be bumped downstairs, but the point is I proved (to myself mostly) that I could sing this without being nervous or getting tired.

It's too bad that even the middle women's part is so boring, though.  I have sung Bach alto parts, even ones that are really too low to showcase my voice, which I have liked, because at least there was something to sink my teeth into, mostly long melismatic phrases requiring good breath control.  But the lower women's parts in this piece really have nothing to offer.  The  issue is not only the limited range, but the fact that the lower parts don't require singing for as long as the higher part, so it's all very "utilitarian".

Well, if nothing else, this has lit a fire under me to learn the solo version of Lauridsen's "O Magnum Mysterium".  It has a number of Gs.  And as I will be scheduling this with the Director of Music Ministries, who seems to have more eclectic taste in vocal colors than the choir director, it may fly.  But it would have to be late in the season, ideally on  Mary Sunday (which has a number of names).  Otherwise I will look at "Bereite Dich Zion".  That's an "alto" piece, but it's not low and it is showy, as most Bach solos are. Cuz, yanno?  I'm a showy kind of gal.

The Best So Far

Yesterday's concert went really well.  All the technical progress I made held and I wasn't even affected by nerves once I got past the sustained high A in the Bolena recitative.

A number of people from the choir, whom I was not expecting, came, which touched me very much.  Several of them had never come to anything I sang in.

My teacher was pleased, and a neighbor of his, who had heard me sing in the Verdi Requiem and told him I didn't sound all that good, told him I sounded much better.   And considering that she had been Marilyn Horne's nanny and traveled all over Europe on the opera circuit, that is saying something.

One big disappointment is that there is no video.  The one woman who usually does things like that apparently left her phone at home.  My teacher recorded it, and will burn a CD, so that means that I can make mp3 files from it, somehow (either my sound engineer friend can do it, or he can explain to me how to do it, or he can tell me where to take it to have it done).

So now I have to work not to fall into postpartum depression.  I think I had such a big letdown after Carmen because the woman who produced it was angry that not a lot of people came, and then when I got back to choir all the buzz was about  Little Miss's recital.  She is doing something again (with the company that rejected me for not being a "future investment") but at least since five people came from the choir (no one from the choir came to Carmen although two women from church whom I knew from the writing class did) there may be some buzz.

The pianist (the same one who played for Carmen) was pleased with how things went and when I spoke with him about doing the Carmen piece again (I said I thought it had "legs") he told me to contact him because he might be able to find out a way to produce this in schools (he works as an accompanist and coach at the conservatory where Little Miss is a student and I know they produced Hansel and Gretel in schools).  So I will do that.  Also, apparently my Don Jose spoke to my teacher (they are friends and colleagues) and said he had gotten my email about the Mozart Requiem and that he would get back to me.  (The performances are in February so they may have more auditions.)

And the choir is singing a choral piece from Elijah again so I will see if I can sing "O Rest in the Lord" on the same day, or perhaps the Schlosser piece "He that Keepeth Israel".

And here's a photo of me and my teacher, which his wife took.

A Dream Achieved

Yesterday was one of happiest and most fulfilling days I have had in a very long time; probably not since May 2008. And even that day was slightly marred by my knowing I was going to come back to a disaster in the office and that there would be no "afterglow". (And of course if I had had a decent recording of that performance and heard it now I would cringe.)

I was not happy with how I sang in My 2011 Verdi concert, mostly because of the air quality which didn't even allow me to sing my personal best for that time. I was happy with the Verdi Requiem after I sang, but less so when I heard the recording and heard how "small" my voice sounded compared to the other three singers (two of whom are working professionals and the third a woman whose singing could rival any professional's).

Finally by last year's Carmeneverything had come together vocally, for the most part, but I forgot to take my glasses off for some of the scenes, and I was bitterly disappointed at how few people showed up (as was the woman who helped me produce it), and the "buzz" was overshadowed by Little Miss's senior recital.

Actually yesterday was not the first time I had sung solo material with an orchestra, but the previous time all I sang was the alto line in one of the quartets in the Mozart Requiem which had been shortened considerably.

This time I got to really let it rip (first with two other singers, then with just the soprano) in the "Rex Tremendae" section of the Dvorak Requiem. So standing there, behind the orchestra, I felt like a real professional dramatic mezzo doing my thing.  And I got (totally unexpected and heartfelt) compliments from the choir director who was conducting.  It brought tears to my eyes.  This is what I have lived for all this past year.

I also sang at noon, the Rossini "Agnus Dei".  I sang it very very well, letting my big dramatic voice out on the climaxes even though they were only Es.

So now I have my May concert to work on and early next week I will write to my Don Jose and ask him what he thinks of my auditioning for the Mozart Requiem.  

If there's a lesson here, it's this.  All those years when I felt frustrated by how little progress I was making, I never dreamed that suddenly it would all be easier (not that everything is easy; all I have to do to humble myself is pick up that Amneris/Radames duet with the high B flats!!).  It is what I wanted  but I really didn't know if it would be possible.  So the lesson is that anything is possible, even for someone who will be 65 in a few months.  It's not over.  It's not a "given" that everything is going to be downhill from now on.  And people need to know this and not "assume".

In any event.  I thank God with all my heart for yesterday.

Brief Debrief

Before I take my computer to be repaired, I just wanted to make a brief post about yesterday's performance, and post some pictures.

All in all, I was happy about how it went.  I sang well,  I acted well, and I had a ball.  I did make one huge gaffe which simply would not happen in a professional performance: I was reading along with the script offstage, so when I came on for one scene I had my glasses on!  Of course in a professional performance there is someone in the wings who checks you before you go on stage, so something like this would not happen.

Eight of the 13 people I invited showed up, and they all enjoyed it.  My sense is that the producer was lukewarm about it.  I don't know what that means.  There are some people who only make critical suggestions and don't pay compliments, so maybe she is one of them.  That is ok.  I just hope I can sing with her again.  What she said was that it needed "tweaking" (not a surprise! we only had two runthroughs and this is the first time I did anything with staging that had to be memorized in 35 years).  She mentioned that I had to stay in character when came on and off the stage, which was a useful piece of feedback.  The problem is that I do these things so infrequently that I don't have a chance to tweak or refine anything really.  She did compliment me on having memorized all that music, and implied that there would be a "next time" for this piece.

Next up: she is producing a concert for Hispanic Heritage month, so I am hoping I can sing two Manuel Garcia songs that inspired the Habanera.  I also hope I can sing "Erfreute Zeit" as a summer anthem.  And I keep hearing from the filmmaker intermittently about singing the Bach aria in her film, but she seems not to understand that she can't just give me a week's notice.  If nothing else, I will need to reserve an accompanist and their schedules really fill up.

What is My Definition of "Success"?

As so often happens, Susan Eichhorn Young taps into an issue that is close to my heart at the moment. In this post, she asks people to think about how they define success.

In light of my recent feelings of disappointment, this was a useful exercise for me.

I think at the age and stage I am now, my definition of success would include (not all of these are possible, but they are something to aspire to):

1. To be able to sing the roles in my fach (Dalila, Carmen, Amneris, Azucena, Laura, Cilea's Principessa - I think Eboli is a lost cause so I'm not including her, and Charlotte is a maybe) in a professional sounding way, without getting tired or having notes/phrases that are touch and go.

2. To have this acknowledged by other people - teachers, coaches, peers - whether or not they want to "hire" me or "promote" me in any way.

3. To have a regular venue for performing these roles that costs me a minimal amount of money (singing them in concert is fine).

4. To have a real support system of people who check in with me, encourage me, and act as a counterbalance for all the negative input I get from my partner.

What makes me feel so frustrated is I think that some of this is achievable. I have the natural raw material (a big dramatic mezzo voice), a good teacher, I know most of these roles by heart already, and I have a big dramatic personality. I have built up my stamina enormously over the past five years and I am blessed to be extremely healthy. Other than the fact that my knee injury and surgery make me less than "nimble" onstage, and that my neck is ugly, there is really nothing else about me that looks or sounds "old".

If I didn't think I was sitting on this mountain of talent I wouldn't be so frustrated. For example I love going to the ballet but I am not a ballerina and never thought I was, despite having taken ballet classes off and on (until I had my accident). But singing is different.

So, for example, if I were in the kind of environment that allowed me to put on one of these concerts every couple of months, I would feel "you win a few, you lose a few, you learn". But I will be lucky if I get to do something like this in six months (I'm hoping to pull off this Verdi Requiem but if the pastor says I have to pay to "rent" the church it's not on).

It's also, of course, the competition. I live in the heart of Manhattan (the closest opera company to my front door is the Met) where the competition is staggering. Interestingly, even though classical music is less popular than it was 30 years ago, there seem to be more people wanting to sing opera than in the past. When I was singing with the "opera underground" as it seems to now be laughingly referred to, I didn't sing as well as I do now, but the competition was much less. My teacher says some of this competition (not so much in my fach - mostly slim, pretty, light voiced sopranos and mezzos) comes from people crossing over from musical theater. So they are pretty with good acting skills and strong middle registers (this did not used to be the case with the higher voices on the amateur circuit). True, these people aren't competing for my roles, but there are enough who are to push me down and out.

I think what bothered me the most about those meetups, etc. was feeling that I was not treated with respect. I was mostly ignored. I don't do well being ignored. Possibly that had to do with my being older than everyone. The people who needed polishing were younger. So what was anyone going to say to me? It might have been different if I had a friend or buddy to take with me to some of these things, but I don't.

So I guess I should end my list of "success" with "being taken seriously".