I made a status update on Facebook about how, at this time in my life, I so wished my passion were writing or painting, not singing, because I simply find it almost impossible to muster up the superhuman energy and "bounce" (I can't think of a better word) to nail the big climaxes in my arias, even familiar ones.
This is not an issue of being seriously fatigued. I have had enough sleep and have eaten healthfully, and have not been talking excessively (BTW my teacher said yes indeed the way New Yorkers naturally speak - harsh, nasal, and down on the cords with a tight throat - is very bad for singing and that yes indeed there are not very many opera singers who were born here).
It is an issue of not having that "something extra". Athletes need it (I can see this from watching skaters and gymnasts, really the only athletes I follow other than tennis players), normal people don't. I can't write a good essay (or produce error-free editing) if I have been sleep deprived for several days or am hypoglycemic from hunger, but I certainly can if I am mildly depressed. Which may be what I am. (I hesitate to use that word because I think it is overused and that people these days are overdiagnosed and overmedicated.)
Singing (certainly singing big climactic phrases with high notes) is another story.
One thing the Mentor once said to me is that "all singing stems from joy". This is certainly true. Either from real joy or from physically being able to replicate the physiognomy of joy - the raised palate, the relaxed throat, the buoyant abdominal muscles.
I know that my technique has improved a great deal in the last few months as is evidenced by how I sound when I vocalize. Even this past week, that has held.
But I have not been able to nail the ending to "Acerba Volutta" to my liking, and that is an aria that I thought I had a lock on. If my abdominal muscles are not buoyant, that top A goes "straight". I know it's not a technical thing because if I isolate that phrase I don't have a problem, but when I try to sing the aria from the beginning, or even from the middle (it has a lot of breaks in it) a lot of old bad habits creep in. Most of these have to do with somatized anxiety and depression that result in my "core" becoming rigid and my not breathing. I have said before it is like a horse balking at a fence. And once I get into that vicious cycle with a phrase I am sunk. I know it's not a technical thing because once I isolated that phrase and sang it a half step higher (without realizing it) and the B flat sounded as good as the A does when it's good, which would not have been true several months ago.
"Re dell'Abisso" sounds really good. Whether that's because it's a new piece or because the highest note I have to sustain is a G, I don't know.
The reason I am working on both these arias is that I am supposed to have an audition on October 20. I say "supposed" because I have not heard back from the woman I sent materials to, which included an audition fee, which didn't bother me, although the fact that it had to be a money order did. Are singers really that irresponsible that they let checks bounce? The only people who use money orders are the destitute; the same people who use check cashing places. As a point of reference I hadn't bought one in 40 years, not since I've had a checking account. I sent the package certified mail and in fact I have not even gotten back the slip showing that it was signed for, which is troubling.
The Requiem is not going badly. I seem to be OK with the phrase in "Liber Scriptus" (it is similar to the phrase in "Acerba Volutta" but is a half step lower) but I have not tried to sing it since my partner was taken to the hospital. I think I will do well with the Requiem. It is in a comfortable range and what is at issue is my musicianship. And it will be sung in the church as an offering for Lent, which will take the focus off me and my performance. I have a soprano and a bass, and my teacher gave me contact information for a tenor but he hasn't yet answered my email.
I am just so tired (or depressed?)
A week ago I sat with my partner as she was in the throes of delirium and I thought she was going to die. I have been forced to deal with the idea of her mortality which is like being beaten by a gang of thugs. Yes, she annoys me and yes, she is not supportive of most of what I want to do with my singing, and yes she is a ridiculous prude, and yes, I am glad I have my own apartment and don't have her underfoot 24/7 but my heart is heavy. I don't want to lose her. If she died I don't think I could get up and do anything much more than sit at my laptop and work and read and watch tv and snuggle with my cat for a loooooong time.
She is out of danger now, so I can sleep, but this was a body blow, literally. I don't feel all bouncy and perk-y.
But the serious question is: probably most singers have things like this in their lives that they go through, but whatever technique they have enables their bodies to go through the motions no matter how they are feeling. So how many more years will it take? I am fighting gravity now!
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