This is the beginning of the Jewish New Year. I don't really think of myself as Jewish; my mother was an atheistic secular Jew and my father was Scots Irish, I have a Scots Irish last name, look like my father's side of the family, never stayed home from school on the Jewish holidays when I went to a prep school in the 1950s and early 60s (schools didn't used to be closed on Jewish holidays), and there was always a Christmas tree in the house (which my mother swore was a Pagan custom).
I often laughingly say that if I'm in a situation where the opposite of "Jewish" is "Christian" (or today I suppose you could say "Muslim") I identify with "Jewish" but if the opposite of "Jewish" is "WASP-y" then I identify with "WASP-y" or I suppose I should say "WASU-y" as in "White Anglo Saxon Unitarian". I have certainly been teased more about being "WASP-y" (as in WASP-y and uptight) than about being Jewish, over the years.
With that rambling preamble, I will say, though, that I think September is a much better time to start a New Year, than January. (I also could never understand why New Year's had to be celebrated at midnight, when I am often asleep, when anyone knows that a "day" really starts at dawn.)
New Year's is a good time to make resolutions, and here are some of mine:
1. To stop looking at the Forum (I am not even providing a hyperlink this time, as I really don't want to have an excuse for sneaking a look at it.) Other than that bookstore gig and a few pieces of advice which I probably could have gotten from someone else, all my involvement with it has done has been to make me unhappy. Either I feel ignored, or someone says what I feel isn't true (how can what someone feels not be true?) or what I experienced really didn't happen. I remember being told that it couldn't have been possible for example, that I was told by my Lesbian community that I should not sing opera because it was a patriarchal art form, that I should not play love scenes with men, and that any Lesbian worth her salt should be uncomfortable in a dress. The person who said that (a gay man) was probably 12 at the time. Or that I really don't feel that people who went to conservatories often behave like they are in a little exclusive club to which I do not belong, because of course they don't behave that way? If that is how I feel, how dare anyone try to tell me that that is "silly"? I rarely get on the feminist bandwagon, but women have been told that our feelings aren't true, that our narratives do not count, for far too long. My narrative counts, it's mine, and no one can trample on it. To conclude, there is nothing I can get from looking at the Forum, other than reading about things that people 30 years younger than I am are doing that I wish I could do but never will. If I want advice I have a voice teacher, several coaches, a choir director, and friends who teach voice and who sing.
2. Ditto to stop looking at certain people's web sites. How could it possibly matter to me what roles Jennie Jones or Sally Smith is singing and where? These women can't be role models for me because I am older than they are and those opportunities are over if I even could have had them 30 years ago. It doesn't mean that singing opportunities are over, simply that I have to be creative about looking for/designing them. I would get more help from re-reading The Artist's Way
3. Spend more time with people who think I have something to offer. I have been on this planet for over 60 years. I know things. Maybe the things I know don't matter to the Forum crowd (I was really only accepted there as a supplicant asking for advice, never as a participant) but they will matter to someone. A 50 year old who wants to take voice lessons for the first time, maybe? Another woman my age who is picking up a paint brush she hasn't used in three decades? So many of my problems had to do with begging a peer group who didn't accept me to let me in instead of finding someplace I felt welcome. This is not high school. (As a sidebar, there are many singers and voice teachers, some having careers, who have been helpful and supportive, and who do think I have something to offer. And there are enough of them that I can ask for advice if I need it.)
4. Reaffirm that this blog is about me and my narrative. It's not about how I might have hurt your feelings, misunderstood you, or someone you love. You can tell me once, point taken. Basta. I'll bet you are "heard" in a lot more places than I am. This story is about me. (And just to save myself aggro, I have disabled comments for this post.)
Tonight is the first choir practice after the summer. The choir director wants me to sing alto. Hmmm. I am happy to sing alto in the big pieces (like Bach cantatas) because those parts are written for people to sing in a nice line with breath control throughout their range, but in many of the other pieces that means never singing above an A in the middle of the staff, which I don't think will give my voice any kind of a workout or show it to its best advantage. If the piece only has two women's parts it really is fine to sing alto, especially as the soprano section seems to be filling up with trained voices (and among trained voices I am not a soprano, duh!) On the other hand if the piece has more than two women's parts, I prefer second soprano. Particularly with the spirituals in multiple parts, where even the second sopranos pretty much do nothing but sing the same couple of notes over and over. At least the saving grace was I could end a piece like that on an F, while the top sopranos were singing an A, just like in opera. I could let my voice soar. If I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of the staff, I won't be a happy little diva.
Well, maybe the September group will be doing more and I can let some priorities shift a bit.
And I see that the choir is singing something from Judas Maccabeus on Reformation Sunday. I will look for a mezzo solo to see if I can lobby to sing for communion. When the star coloratura was still singing with us, she got to do a soprano solo during communion from the Bach cantata the choir was singing. So far the only solo I found seems to pertain to Hanukkah, but I ordered the CD (it will be nice to have anyhow) and will look for something else. Otherwise I will focus on "Nun Wandre Maria" for Advent.
ETA: It seems that the issue of what part I should be singing most of the time was a false alarm. I think the choir director was expecting several trained singers to show up for the soprano section and they did not. As far as numbers go, the parts are fairly equal: there are always 3 first sopranos, 3 seconds, including me, 2 first altos, and a gaggle of second altos, some of whom wander in and out for various reasons. I suppose a case could be made that they would need me on first alto. If the piece only has two parts and the soprano part is very high, I would switch anyhow. I mean there is no reason for me to sing high in a choir: if anything, it could cause me to try to make my voice sound smaller, which is not a good thing. But at the very least I need to sing up to an E regularly.
