I tossed and turned last night worrying about my last post, that it was too much of a "downer" to end the year with. I was even going to delete it, but when I woke up this morning I saw that it had already gotten 12 views, which means it must have been of interest to someone. I was planning to make a real New Year's post anyhow, so here it is.
Last year's New Year's resolutions played such a large role in my therapy sessions, and were used as talking points for checking in, that I was surprised that yesterday she didn't ask me if I had made any; she only asked me what I thought about how my year had gone.
Well, I think I will do a preliminary draft of some resolution ideas. There will be some overlap with last year, but the wording may be different.
1. Affirm that my number one priority is to make the end of my partner's life as happy as possible. Cherish and savor every minute with her. Rein in my temper.
2. Continue to build on the huge technical breakthrough I made this year with my singing. This means singing "big girl dramatic opera rep", even if it's mostly in my bathroom and at lessons.
3. Admit once and for all that the "small opera companies" in the greater New York area are not for me, no matter how well I can sing - even if I sounded like Dolora Zajick next month. And stop trying to "break into" the clique of singers who all have music degrees, went to YAPs, know each other, and have been working together for years. They don't want me, I am not part of their peer group, no matter how good I sound.
4. That being said, keep an eye out at all times for other solo singing opportunities where I can use the big voice that God gave me (so I don't mean doing choral singing or singing the kind of "accessible" music in English requiring a more musical theater sound). It doesn't have to be opera. It can be oratorio or art songs. Of course if I can find a venue for throwing in an aria or an opera scene, so much the better.
5. As a continuation of 4, talk about myself and write about myself broadly. I still believe there is someone out there who would find my whole "package" intriguing, even with all the imperfections and the lack of a traditional history (and the uncertainty of my "future"). Remember, there are guys who love girls with acne and scars (I hope this doesn't offend anyone).
6. Since I don't seem to be able to have big things (which really hurts because I have a big flamboyant personality that loves the spotlight and never was much of a one for "subtlety") savor all the little things. Find beauty and opportunities for creativity everywhere, even if I'm just taking the 135th photo of one of my cats, or putting the magazine with the prettiest cover on the top of the pile.
7. Continue looking for (and acknowledging the presence of) people who are not as well off as I am, in my immediate surroundings. (Obviously I know there are hoards of people less well off than I am, even here in Manhattan. They are just not part of my social surroundings.) I am not being self-deprecating, but probably 95% of the people I know socially are better off than I am, and I am not talking about dollars and cents, although that would probably apply to at least 60%. I am talking about doing meaningful work that energizes them, that is part of who they are, having a spouse or partner who does interesting and meaningful work, having a circle of friends that revolves around this meaningful work, and having gone to prestigious schools, had fellowships, etc. So I need to focus on that remaining 5%. Really talk to them and engage with them.
8. Make a marketing plan, if I have a date to perform somewhere. Analogous to what I said in item 3, don't chase after the music lovers. Many of them like me, but they will not be interested in a homemade operatic concert (certainly not after they've politely seen one or two).
9. Set aside time to work on the non-vocal aspects of singing: translating, pronunciation, studying various musical styles.
10. Take more risks. Particularly in letting myself be known.
So I will see where I am with these some time next year.
On a final note. I realized that exactly 10 years ago today I went in a limo, with my leg in a cast, to sing "O Holy Night" at the Unitarian church. Things were very bad between me and my partner and I was sobbing my heart out over The Mentor (who was away for the holidays). So have I come a long way? I sing 200% better and am not crying over anyone. My knee is 90% healed (that is what the paperwork for my financial settlement said). This year I am not singing any solos, but will be in aesthetically more pleasing surroundings, having a low stress evening. And Epiphany (Spanish art song Heaven) is just around the corner!!!
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Not Really a New Year's Post. Maybe Later
So today my therapist asked how my year had been. It was once again, mostly disappointments. This doesn't mean I don't have things to be grateful for. I make myself think of these as often as I can. I said what I wished for more than anything was the musical equivalent of a soul mate. Not (well, now now) a "partner" in the spousal sense, just someone who is really interested in me from a musical and artistic standpoint. Who feels that I have something unique to offer and wants to showcase it in some fashion. I don't mean a big talent scout who will give me a big opera contract; obviously that's absurd. What I mean is some little small scale operation that is looking for people over a certain age who began performing late, that is just for us, that shuts the "emergings" and the older managed singers out. That is not used as a "test drive" for those people. Where whoever is running it is excited to find, say, someone like me who sings better at 64 than I did at 54, and who finds other people who fit that demographic and wants to do something with and for us. Peers who are as excited about singing in front of an audience as I am, who invite all their friends. You see, if I put on a concert with people who sing better than I do (these are really the only people I know who are interested) then the issue isn't that they sing better than I do but that they don't respect what they are going to be performing in and don't invite people, so that not only is all the planning and financing of it on me, but I have to provide the audience too.
I mean it was a huge disappointment that I couldn't get people to come to Carmen. Eight of the 20-30 people whom I invited came (along with the narrator's parents and some people from the building where the theater was.) I mean, yikes, I bet more people from the choir came to see this opera at the conservatory that Little Miss was in, even though she was only singing in the chorus. Because you see that was "real" music and whatever I do isn't. This set me back in terms of my journey toward building self esteem (not just my journey of building my voice, which is going like gangbusters) quite a long ways. I thought that here I had come up with something original and different, but when all was said and done it didn't matter. And the woman who helped me produce it was disgusted with me and has lost interest in me, for the most part, although she did let me sing two songs on September 11 and seemed happy with them.
Then there was the smaller disappointment of being turned down for the Handel opera mostly, I believe, because I am not the "type" this woman is interested in using (meaning I am not going anywhere, even if I keep singing better). I was less angry at her than at the fact that there isn't something similar for amateurs (I mean real amateurs like me) who would rather bellow their way through, say, leading roles in Il Trovatore than sing in a chorus, even if it's just for each other, maybe spearheaded by a pianist who asks us each to chip in some money, and who will make it clear that this is not a training ground for "emergings" or professional comprimari who want to sing through a lead.
And the choir director (most likely unconsciously) only likes sopranos with pretty voices.
I mean I have been on the planet long enough to know that no matter what you look like and whatever your temperament (unless you act like a total horror) there is someone out there (may you find him or her - some people don't) who is looking for you. So if this is true with dating and mating, shouldn't it also be true for performers? I am not, as I said, asking to be paid big bucks, only that my "package" (age, talent, skills, how I acquired them, and my story) really grabs someone.
So why can't I find anyone? Even a friend who wants to dive into this with me.
I was feeling better since I told myself that the most important thing in my life was making my partner happy for what remains of hers. This doesn't mean that I don't want to sing, just that I am not going to chase after opportunities that there's a 99% chance I won't get, and a 1% chance that if I do they will take up time that I don't have.
I don't want to give up singing. I sound so much better than I did last year that this must be what I am meant to be doing. There is nothing that I do (I am not now talking about snuggling with my loved one or sharing sweet moments) that makes me as happy as letting my big dramatic voice rip and seeing how much easier it is than it was before.
Can 2015 please be the year I find someone who thinks I'm special and wants to "take" me somewhere?
I mean it was a huge disappointment that I couldn't get people to come to Carmen. Eight of the 20-30 people whom I invited came (along with the narrator's parents and some people from the building where the theater was.) I mean, yikes, I bet more people from the choir came to see this opera at the conservatory that Little Miss was in, even though she was only singing in the chorus. Because you see that was "real" music and whatever I do isn't. This set me back in terms of my journey toward building self esteem (not just my journey of building my voice, which is going like gangbusters) quite a long ways. I thought that here I had come up with something original and different, but when all was said and done it didn't matter. And the woman who helped me produce it was disgusted with me and has lost interest in me, for the most part, although she did let me sing two songs on September 11 and seemed happy with them.
Then there was the smaller disappointment of being turned down for the Handel opera mostly, I believe, because I am not the "type" this woman is interested in using (meaning I am not going anywhere, even if I keep singing better). I was less angry at her than at the fact that there isn't something similar for amateurs (I mean real amateurs like me) who would rather bellow their way through, say, leading roles in Il Trovatore than sing in a chorus, even if it's just for each other, maybe spearheaded by a pianist who asks us each to chip in some money, and who will make it clear that this is not a training ground for "emergings" or professional comprimari who want to sing through a lead.
And the choir director (most likely unconsciously) only likes sopranos with pretty voices.
I mean I have been on the planet long enough to know that no matter what you look like and whatever your temperament (unless you act like a total horror) there is someone out there (may you find him or her - some people don't) who is looking for you. So if this is true with dating and mating, shouldn't it also be true for performers? I am not, as I said, asking to be paid big bucks, only that my "package" (age, talent, skills, how I acquired them, and my story) really grabs someone.
So why can't I find anyone? Even a friend who wants to dive into this with me.
I was feeling better since I told myself that the most important thing in my life was making my partner happy for what remains of hers. This doesn't mean that I don't want to sing, just that I am not going to chase after opportunities that there's a 99% chance I won't get, and a 1% chance that if I do they will take up time that I don't have.
I don't want to give up singing. I sound so much better than I did last year that this must be what I am meant to be doing. There is nothing that I do (I am not now talking about snuggling with my loved one or sharing sweet moments) that makes me as happy as letting my big dramatic voice rip and seeing how much easier it is than it was before.
Can 2015 please be the year I find someone who thinks I'm special and wants to "take" me somewhere?
Thursday, December 18, 2014
The Ugly Dachshund
It's been a long time since I've felt the need to return to this theme (which I've never linked to the movie before) but I had an irksome contretemps with the choir director last night.
I think the issue is, really, in a nutshell, that he just doesn't like the sound of big dramatic voices. To him they sound ugly, even when they're not. Yes, I know in my lifetime I have let out some really ugly notes at both ends of my range (never in my comfort zone of on the staff) but I rarely do that now. But some people just think those sounds are ugly (the way, for example, I always thought the sound of Lotte Lenya singing was ugly and, therefore, preferred Gay's The Beggar's Opera to Weill's updated Threepenny). This is not to say that Lotte Lenya is not a great artist, simply that she is not to my taste. When I was a child I tried to imitate Julie Andrews and the lyric sopranos on my mother's Gilbert and Sullivan records.
So to the import of this post. Last night when we were warming up before choir rehearsal (which I always disliked, as everyone has their own way of warming up that works for them) the choir director had us sing the phrase "Joy to the world, the Lord is come" going down and back up the scale. When we got to a G (or maybe it was a G sharp) I ditched the words at the end of the ascending scale and just sang "Jah to the world, ah, la, ah, ah"). Well, that's pretty standard practice when you sing up there, even for a lot of sopranos. So the choir director said to me "you know you can always sing it an octave lower." So I said "I can sing up there, I just can't sing words up there." So he said "well, maybe that means it is out of your range". Well, that had me boiling mad.
Basically, there is a whole series of things that add up to making me feel that I am not a golden child there. I would not go so far as to say that I am not wanted, because he needs me for certain things: to hold down a second soprano part, to sing with solid intonation and power in a middle register where most sopranos have no volume (many of them, interestingly, can belt very loud toward the bottom of the staff and below), to be an anchor in services (e.g. Christmas Eve) where there are often no trained singers (particularly in the soprano section) because all the golden children are young people who came from "elsewhere" to try to have a "career" in the performing arts and therefore go "home" at Christmas.
In any event, I am just very disheartened. Basically I sing with that choir for the following reasons.
1. I have no family, and sort of by default, even though I am not Christian, the people in that choir are my "family" for now. (There are a lot of lovely people around my age, mostly avocational singers, whom I have made friends with.)
2. It has improved my musicianship enormously.
3. We sing interesting music and I have been acquainted with a wide variety of composers and large choral works. Often this has led me down a byway to discover a solo from one of those works that I can add to my repertoire.
4. I get solo opportunities often enough that I can use this as a regular venue for singing in front of an audience.
On the other hand...
1. It is obvious that the choir director does not like (or understand) my voice type. He likes women's voices that are small and pretty. If they are small and pretty with training, then those women become the season's "golden children". I get the most compliments from him either when I make my voice sound small and pretty (I can do this without harming it if I don't sing above an F sharp or maybe a G) or if I sing something in an extremely limited range, like "O Rest in the Lord", which is actually listed as being for a contralto, but does not go below middle C. For example if I compare the video of "Angel" from the church to the video of the same song sung in a concert hall I can hear that in the first instance I am barely singing above a whisper and am obviously afraid of making one false move. The second version sounds much more "present". Yes, I am still singing softly but I sound like a dramatic mezzo singing softly not like I am trying to imitate a light soprano.
2. If there are solos interspersed into choral pieces he never gives those to me. If they are for lower or midrange voices he asks everyone to sing them. He only gives solos to whoever the current high soprano golden child is that year. Occasionally he will give a solo to a man. I hadn't thought that a choir director who is barely over 30 would be sexist but maybe he is, in that only men are allowed to have voices that are large, authoritative, maybe occasionally "un-pretty", but nonetheless impressive. He does not like women whose voices conjure up those adjectives.
As for the title of this post, this whole situation conjures up this film (and the book, which was actually better). Particularly as I am a Dachshund lover as well as a singer.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ugly_Dachshund
I think the issue is, really, in a nutshell, that he just doesn't like the sound of big dramatic voices. To him they sound ugly, even when they're not. Yes, I know in my lifetime I have let out some really ugly notes at both ends of my range (never in my comfort zone of on the staff) but I rarely do that now. But some people just think those sounds are ugly (the way, for example, I always thought the sound of Lotte Lenya singing was ugly and, therefore, preferred Gay's The Beggar's Opera to Weill's updated Threepenny). This is not to say that Lotte Lenya is not a great artist, simply that she is not to my taste. When I was a child I tried to imitate Julie Andrews and the lyric sopranos on my mother's Gilbert and Sullivan records.
So to the import of this post. Last night when we were warming up before choir rehearsal (which I always disliked, as everyone has their own way of warming up that works for them) the choir director had us sing the phrase "Joy to the world, the Lord is come" going down and back up the scale. When we got to a G (or maybe it was a G sharp) I ditched the words at the end of the ascending scale and just sang "Jah to the world, ah, la, ah, ah"). Well, that's pretty standard practice when you sing up there, even for a lot of sopranos. So the choir director said to me "you know you can always sing it an octave lower." So I said "I can sing up there, I just can't sing words up there." So he said "well, maybe that means it is out of your range". Well, that had me boiling mad.
Basically, there is a whole series of things that add up to making me feel that I am not a golden child there. I would not go so far as to say that I am not wanted, because he needs me for certain things: to hold down a second soprano part, to sing with solid intonation and power in a middle register where most sopranos have no volume (many of them, interestingly, can belt very loud toward the bottom of the staff and below), to be an anchor in services (e.g. Christmas Eve) where there are often no trained singers (particularly in the soprano section) because all the golden children are young people who came from "elsewhere" to try to have a "career" in the performing arts and therefore go "home" at Christmas.
In any event, I am just very disheartened. Basically I sing with that choir for the following reasons.
1. I have no family, and sort of by default, even though I am not Christian, the people in that choir are my "family" for now. (There are a lot of lovely people around my age, mostly avocational singers, whom I have made friends with.)
2. It has improved my musicianship enormously.
3. We sing interesting music and I have been acquainted with a wide variety of composers and large choral works. Often this has led me down a byway to discover a solo from one of those works that I can add to my repertoire.
4. I get solo opportunities often enough that I can use this as a regular venue for singing in front of an audience.
On the other hand...
1. It is obvious that the choir director does not like (or understand) my voice type. He likes women's voices that are small and pretty. If they are small and pretty with training, then those women become the season's "golden children". I get the most compliments from him either when I make my voice sound small and pretty (I can do this without harming it if I don't sing above an F sharp or maybe a G) or if I sing something in an extremely limited range, like "O Rest in the Lord", which is actually listed as being for a contralto, but does not go below middle C. For example if I compare the video of "Angel" from the church to the video of the same song sung in a concert hall I can hear that in the first instance I am barely singing above a whisper and am obviously afraid of making one false move. The second version sounds much more "present". Yes, I am still singing softly but I sound like a dramatic mezzo singing softly not like I am trying to imitate a light soprano.
2. If there are solos interspersed into choral pieces he never gives those to me. If they are for lower or midrange voices he asks everyone to sing them. He only gives solos to whoever the current high soprano golden child is that year. Occasionally he will give a solo to a man. I hadn't thought that a choir director who is barely over 30 would be sexist but maybe he is, in that only men are allowed to have voices that are large, authoritative, maybe occasionally "un-pretty", but nonetheless impressive. He does not like women whose voices conjure up those adjectives.
As for the title of this post, this whole situation conjures up this film (and the book, which was actually better). Particularly as I am a Dachshund lover as well as a singer.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ugly_Dachshund
Well, so OK, here's my game plan going forward. Christmas Eve I will be the only trained soprano there. We are singing two pieces in an easy range. The new Director of Music Ministries will be leading the choir. He seems to have a better understanding of different voice types (and of group dynamics) and he also does different warmups. Some of these are things that I do not do (I was told not to do lip trills ever and in fact don't even know how - my teacher said to roll an r instead - and some of the staccato arpeggios leave me behind in the dust around a G) but if he really wants to get the soprano section to keep singing higher he gives us nice friendly legato arpeggios on an Aw vowel, just like my teacher, not a string of words that keeps ascending.
As for the first rehearsal in January, it turns out I may be late anyhow because that is the day of the tryouts for the Alzheimer chorus which I hope to get involved in with my partner. After that, the simplest thing may simply be to come to rehearsals at 7:45 instead of 7:30. I don't need these warmups (except the ones that involve singing in parts on a chord, which never go very high). I can warm up at home and save myself a lot of agita.
And as soon as we get the January schedule I will try to find a spot to sing a Spanish song on or near Epiphany. I already have one picked out.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Something to Try?
Yesterday I went with my partner to a concert by the choir for Alzheimers patients and their caregivers. It was very moving. They sang a group of familiar songs and there were little solos interspersed from time to time. One of the women had a lovely voice (I don't know if she was a patient or a caregiver) and some others belted probably as well as some people you hear in live shows (they certainly all sang in tune).
My partner was "happy as a clam" (one of her favorite expressions) singing along when the audience was motioned to join in.
So we are going to go to their first rehearsal and see if we are considered suitable. My partner doesn't have Alzheimers but she does have some cognitive impairment, which seems to be getting worse (she has very disturbed sleep/wake cycles and often now, if I call her at 8 or 9 pm she won't know if it's day or night). So maybe this will be something we can do together out of the house. And maybe this will be someplace I can use my singing talents where they will matter. It seems that unless a group has very strict criteria regarding whom it is for and whom it is not, it will be invaded by high level semi-professional singers who have spilled over from paying venues where they did not make the cut, whether it is an outfit where you have to pay to sing through an opera in someone's living room, or a choir that does not pay people.
Anyhow, recently I have had a paradigm shift (at least for the moment) and I realize that nothing is as important to me as making the end of my partner's life happy. As she is failing, she has gotten sweeter and less irritable, and I realize that I can not take one single day with her for granted. Yes, I would never want to live there (the place now looks like a cross between a hospital room and the Collyers Brothers, not to mention that there is not only no Internet access but not even an outlet that I could plug my laptop into) or comingle our finances, but I would not trade one day of her precious life for anything, not the biggest singing gig in the world.
Now this does not mean that I will not go ahead with my Spring concert (I need to keep singing this challenging opera repertoire the way I need food or water), just that I realize that I don't need to be endlessly looking for singing opportunities that could tie up large chunks of time, and for what?
It also helps to avoid "triggers" (a friend of mine was writing about that online yesterday, in another context). For me these are polemics that disparage "amateur" performers, or that imply that anyone who doesn't have a fulfilling career (or a partner with one) is a loser. One good thing about the national focus on all the tragedies that have happened lately is that the country (at least the part of it where I live) has also had a paradigm shift away from all the silly "self-esteem" talk; you know, as in "if you had self-esteem you wouldn't be a copyeditor sitting at home taking care of someone who never bestirred herself to get a good job" which is what the Op Ed pages are always making me feel. Our country really has some very serious problems to deal with that can't be solved by "abundant thinking" about me me me.
My partner was "happy as a clam" (one of her favorite expressions) singing along when the audience was motioned to join in.
So we are going to go to their first rehearsal and see if we are considered suitable. My partner doesn't have Alzheimers but she does have some cognitive impairment, which seems to be getting worse (she has very disturbed sleep/wake cycles and often now, if I call her at 8 or 9 pm she won't know if it's day or night). So maybe this will be something we can do together out of the house. And maybe this will be someplace I can use my singing talents where they will matter. It seems that unless a group has very strict criteria regarding whom it is for and whom it is not, it will be invaded by high level semi-professional singers who have spilled over from paying venues where they did not make the cut, whether it is an outfit where you have to pay to sing through an opera in someone's living room, or a choir that does not pay people.
Anyhow, recently I have had a paradigm shift (at least for the moment) and I realize that nothing is as important to me as making the end of my partner's life happy. As she is failing, she has gotten sweeter and less irritable, and I realize that I can not take one single day with her for granted. Yes, I would never want to live there (the place now looks like a cross between a hospital room and the Collyers Brothers, not to mention that there is not only no Internet access but not even an outlet that I could plug my laptop into) or comingle our finances, but I would not trade one day of her precious life for anything, not the biggest singing gig in the world.
Now this does not mean that I will not go ahead with my Spring concert (I need to keep singing this challenging opera repertoire the way I need food or water), just that I realize that I don't need to be endlessly looking for singing opportunities that could tie up large chunks of time, and for what?
It also helps to avoid "triggers" (a friend of mine was writing about that online yesterday, in another context). For me these are polemics that disparage "amateur" performers, or that imply that anyone who doesn't have a fulfilling career (or a partner with one) is a loser. One good thing about the national focus on all the tragedies that have happened lately is that the country (at least the part of it where I live) has also had a paradigm shift away from all the silly "self-esteem" talk; you know, as in "if you had self-esteem you wouldn't be a copyeditor sitting at home taking care of someone who never bestirred herself to get a good job" which is what the Op Ed pages are always making me feel. Our country really has some very serious problems to deal with that can't be solved by "abundant thinking" about me me me.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Was Planning to Make this an Upbeat Post, But.....
First, the upbeat part. My teacher definitely wants to sing with me at the May concert. Other than substituting the Giovanna/Enrico duet from Anna Bolena for the Amneris/Ramfis Judgment Scene from Aida, it will be pretty much the same program I sang in this concert.
This means we will sing the Laura/Alvise duet from La Gioconda and the Vengeance Duet from Samson et Dalila. I realize that the latter might be viewed as "politically incorrect", as the last line is "death to the Hebrews", but, well, this all happened a very long time ago!!
Then we will each sing a least one aria. He wants to sing Bartolo's aria from Barber of Seville and I will sing Dalila's "Mon Coeur" (minus the interpolated B flat which is not written anyhow).
If there is time for us each to sing two arias, I may add Laura's aria which I have always found easy to sing because the first part moves, and there is a lot of "setup time" before the last climactic high note.
On top of my excitement about having something on my calendar, I was really really thrilled with how I sounded at my lesson. My voice is just getting freer and freer and more open. I have even changed how I breathe: breathing lower in a more relaxed way instead of gripping with my back ribs, which I didn't even know I had been doing. And (counterintuitively) the darker and "heavier" I sing the easier it is to sing higher. And most importantly, I can tell that my teacher sees me as being in a different "league".
Now for the subject I am avoiding. I was just beginning to get over how upset I was at how few people came to my Carmen concert. I am not angry at any particular person. Everyone is busy. I think I am angry at how this event was perceived by people, consciously or unconsciously. It was like "yes, it's great that BabyD is doing this, but it's not a real performing arts event [you know, the sort that get reviewed in the Times or are at prestigious venues]."
Now here's the huge thing. I have no idea if this is deliberate or unconscious, but my choir director has never emailed out any flyer I sent him or given people a nudge to "let's come and show our support"! All he ever did was let me hand out flyers and make an announcement. Which sends the message that the event is important to me but not to him, whose imprimatur obviously sends a signal. Well, this morning I got a group email from him forwarding flyers from people (one was Little Miss Conservatory who is singing in the chorus of an opera; the other was someone else who sings cabaret) saying just that "let's come and show our support"! So what should I make of this? I am not going to say anything. He actually did come to three of my events: two at the church and one at a small venue where I sang scenes from Il Trovatore and Aida (actually not very well, because the air conditioner had not been cleaned and I felt like I was choking; something that has never happened before or since). But it all just makes me feel irrelevant and pushy. You know I am always the one who has to remind people that "hey, yes, I'm a performer too, hey, yes, I sing too and, ok, it's not just high Bs that take artistry even if all the untrained women think anyone could sing 'O Rest in the Lord' because it's in the same range someone might sing 'Happy Birthday'".
So I'm just in a really bad mood, just when I was starting to feel optimistic again. Sunday I sang "Patiently Have I Waited for the Lord" in two services. It went well for the most part except for those low Bs which I am not comfortable sitting on any more than I am comfortable sitting on high notes; it's just that with the low notes it's easier to fake it. And I got a lot of compliments, including from a woman in her 90s who said "your singing is really improving". I didn't find that insulting, actually it made me happy because it means that all the hard work I have been doing has paid off. So I just said "Thank you. I work very hard at it."
And the best news of all...maybe maybe maybe I really will not die anonymous! Someone may interview me for a magazine article about classical singers who started late.
This means we will sing the Laura/Alvise duet from La Gioconda and the Vengeance Duet from Samson et Dalila. I realize that the latter might be viewed as "politically incorrect", as the last line is "death to the Hebrews", but, well, this all happened a very long time ago!!
Then we will each sing a least one aria. He wants to sing Bartolo's aria from Barber of Seville and I will sing Dalila's "Mon Coeur" (minus the interpolated B flat which is not written anyhow).
If there is time for us each to sing two arias, I may add Laura's aria which I have always found easy to sing because the first part moves, and there is a lot of "setup time" before the last climactic high note.
On top of my excitement about having something on my calendar, I was really really thrilled with how I sounded at my lesson. My voice is just getting freer and freer and more open. I have even changed how I breathe: breathing lower in a more relaxed way instead of gripping with my back ribs, which I didn't even know I had been doing. And (counterintuitively) the darker and "heavier" I sing the easier it is to sing higher. And most importantly, I can tell that my teacher sees me as being in a different "league".
Now for the subject I am avoiding. I was just beginning to get over how upset I was at how few people came to my Carmen concert. I am not angry at any particular person. Everyone is busy. I think I am angry at how this event was perceived by people, consciously or unconsciously. It was like "yes, it's great that BabyD is doing this, but it's not a real performing arts event [you know, the sort that get reviewed in the Times or are at prestigious venues]."
Now here's the huge thing. I have no idea if this is deliberate or unconscious, but my choir director has never emailed out any flyer I sent him or given people a nudge to "let's come and show our support"! All he ever did was let me hand out flyers and make an announcement. Which sends the message that the event is important to me but not to him, whose imprimatur obviously sends a signal. Well, this morning I got a group email from him forwarding flyers from people (one was Little Miss Conservatory who is singing in the chorus of an opera; the other was someone else who sings cabaret) saying just that "let's come and show our support"! So what should I make of this? I am not going to say anything. He actually did come to three of my events: two at the church and one at a small venue where I sang scenes from Il Trovatore and Aida (actually not very well, because the air conditioner had not been cleaned and I felt like I was choking; something that has never happened before or since). But it all just makes me feel irrelevant and pushy. You know I am always the one who has to remind people that "hey, yes, I'm a performer too, hey, yes, I sing too and, ok, it's not just high Bs that take artistry even if all the untrained women think anyone could sing 'O Rest in the Lord' because it's in the same range someone might sing 'Happy Birthday'".
So I'm just in a really bad mood, just when I was starting to feel optimistic again. Sunday I sang "Patiently Have I Waited for the Lord" in two services. It went well for the most part except for those low Bs which I am not comfortable sitting on any more than I am comfortable sitting on high notes; it's just that with the low notes it's easier to fake it. And I got a lot of compliments, including from a woman in her 90s who said "your singing is really improving". I didn't find that insulting, actually it made me happy because it means that all the hard work I have been doing has paid off. So I just said "Thank you. I work very hard at it."
And the best news of all...maybe maybe maybe I really will not die anonymous! Someone may interview me for a magazine article about classical singers who started late.
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