Not Really a New Year's Post. Maybe Later

So today my therapist asked how my year had been.  It was once again, mostly disappointments.  This doesn't mean I don't have things to be grateful for.  I make myself think of these as often as I can.  I said what I wished for more than anything was the musical equivalent of a soul mate.  Not (well, now now) a "partner" in the spousal sense, just someone who is really interested in me from a musical and artistic standpoint.  Who feels that I have something unique to offer and wants to showcase it in some fashion.  I don't mean a big talent scout who will give me a big opera contract; obviously that's absurd.  What I mean is some little small scale operation that is looking for people over a certain age who began performing late, that is just for us, that shuts the "emergings" and the older managed singers out.  That is not used as a "test drive" for those people.  Where whoever is running it is excited to find, say, someone like me who sings better at 64 than I did at 54, and who finds other people who fit that demographic and wants to do something with and for us.  Peers who are as excited about singing in front of an audience as I am, who invite all their friends.  You see, if I put on a concert with people who sing better than I do (these are really the only people I know who are interested) then the issue isn't that they sing better than I do but that they don't respect what they are going to be performing in and don't invite people, so that not only is all the planning and financing of it on me, but I have to provide the audience too.

I mean it was a huge disappointment that I couldn't get people to come to Carmen.  Eight of the 20-30 people whom I invited came (along with the narrator's parents and some people from the building where the theater was.)  I mean, yikes, I bet more people from the choir came to see this opera at the conservatory that Little Miss was in, even though she was only singing in the chorus.  Because you see that was "real" music and whatever I do isn't.  This set me back in terms of my journey toward building self esteem (not just my journey of building my voice, which is going like gangbusters) quite a long ways.  I thought that here I had come up with something original and different, but when all was said and done it didn't matter.  And the woman who helped me produce it was disgusted with me and has lost interest in me, for the  most part, although she did let me sing two songs on September 11 and seemed happy with them.

Then there was the smaller disappointment of being turned down for the Handel opera mostly, I believe, because I am not the "type" this woman is interested in using (meaning I am not going anywhere, even if I keep singing better).  I was less angry at her than at the fact that there isn't something similar for amateurs (I mean real amateurs like me) who would rather bellow their way through, say, leading roles in Il Trovatore than sing in a chorus, even if it's just for each other, maybe spearheaded by a pianist who asks us each to chip in some money, and who will make it clear that this is not a training ground for "emergings" or professional comprimari who want to sing through a lead.

And the choir director (most likely unconsciously) only likes sopranos with pretty voices.

I mean I have been on the planet long enough to know that no matter what you look like and whatever your temperament (unless you act like a total horror) there is someone out there (may you find him or her - some people don't) who is looking for you.  So if this is true with dating and mating, shouldn't it also be true for performers?  I am not, as I said, asking to be paid big bucks, only that my "package" (age, talent, skills, how I acquired them, and my story) really grabs someone.

So why can't I find anyone?  Even a friend who wants to dive into this with me.

I was feeling better since I told myself that the most important thing in my life was making my partner happy for what remains of hers.  This doesn't mean that I don't want to sing, just that I am not going to chase after opportunities that there's a 99% chance I won't get, and a 1% chance that if I do they will take up time that I don't have.

I don't want to give up singing.  I sound so much better than I did last year that this must be what I am meant to be doing.  There is nothing that I do (I am not now talking about snuggling with my loved one or sharing sweet moments) that makes me as happy as letting my big dramatic voice rip and seeing how much easier it is than it was before.

Can 2015 please be the year I find someone who thinks I'm special and wants to "take" me somewhere?