The Eye of the Needle

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.” (Mark 10:25)

This was the subject of last Sunday's sermon and I must say, yes, I believe that.

Like all Americans, I can respect an entrepreneur, but inherited wealth is something else.  In my book, people with inherited wealth owe the universe a lot in order to redeem themselves morally and spiritually.

The first thing I would tell them is that "Charity begins at home, and screw whether or not it's tax deductible" for starters.

The impetus for this post, in the interests of full disclosure, came not from the Bible reading, but from my strong feeling that I should end a friendship (or ease out of it to the extent that I am still in it).

There are three people whom I feel acquitted themselves very poorly on the 65th birthday that I never had, and I will hold their feet to the fire for quite some time.  These are all "friends" sort of, but are they?

One woman is primarily a friend of my partner's.  She says she sent me a birthday card but that it came back because it had the wrong ZIP code.  If that had been the only snafu, I would probably blow it off, as she is primarily my partner's friend.  On the other hand, this woman (at 70) still snivels like a child if a friend forgets to send her a birthday card, so doesn't she know about the Golden Rule?  If a card is important to her, shouldn't it be important to me also, especially on a birthday when many people I know have gotten expensive trips, parties, flowers, and jewelry.  You can read more here.

As I said, I am not going to hold onto a killer resentment over this, but this friend will never get another birthday card from me (or from my partner, because I am the one who buys them).

Another woman actually has been a very very very good friend, although she is bristly, and I never know when she is going to take out after me.  She has done many generous things for me and my partner. Now she has moved across the continent, and I am at a point where I need friends here for a whole variety of reasons.  Rather ironically, she too sent me a birthday card which apparently came back because it didn't have an apartment number on it.  So she wrote to me and told me and asked me what should she do??? Send it again or save it for next year!!  Kidding, right?  If I had screwed up like that (particularly on a special birthday) I would not say boo, but would take my fingers to the Jacquie Lawson web site (she was actually one of the people who introduced me to it) and send a big flashy "happy belated birthday" card.  I mean if I were singing and I made a mistake, I wouldn't stop with egg on my face and ask the audience "oh no, what should I dooooo?"

But these are small matters.  As time passes, I am not going to stay angry with either of these people although I will never acknowledge their birthdays again. (As an aside, the second woman was having some minor surgery so I sent her a get well card from the Jacquie Lawson site, by way of "modeling" good behavior.  She thanked me.  Whether she "got it" is anyone's guess.)  I think my anger at this woman stems mostly from my having confided in her before my birthday telling her  how depressed I was that I had gotten to be 65 and didn't know anyone with the wherewithal or interest to do anything to see that I had a special day, even something small.

But here's the worst.  There is a woman I have known for over 30 years who is independently wealthy.  She was, yes, a friend, and we spent good times together both one on one, with my partner, and with other friends, but, knowing how wealthy she was I was always horrified at how stingy she was. For example she would dicker over a restaurant tip, or count pennies when dividing up a restaurant check, even knowing that the other five people at the table probably had one twentieth the amount of money she had.  Tacky.  After her mother died she became even wealthier and at one point she said she had no idea how to spend all that money on - herself!!  Hello???  Now, true, she gives a lot of money to various charities, but charity begins at home IMHO and it can start with picking up the check in a restaurant if you are having a meal with two people whose incomes put them in the second to the bottom quintile, for example . Or giving someone a theater ticket that you can't use.  I remember her offering me a ticket to a Broadway show, telling me it cost $60.  When I said that was too much, I could see her eyes clicking like a calculator seeing how much she could get for it.  So I bought it from her for $40.  But the point is that IMHO the whole thing was "unseemly" as my  mother would have said.  My mother was relatively poor, but she would never have tried to sell anyone a theater ticket.  If she couldn't use it or exchange it for a "rain check", she would give it to someone, either someone who didn't feel they could afford to go to the theater, or maybe someone well off who had done her a favor that she hadn't yet been able to repay.

So to cut to the chase, this woman did not acknowledge my birthday in any way. She knows when it is and in fact was always one of the people who would come along when we had lunch in a restaurant (and she usually made a scene about the service or about the tip).  She was traveling.  That's what she does now: segue from one  luxury cruise to another.  So OK, I didn't expect her to interrupt her travels to come join me and my partner for lunch but a Jacquie Lawson card (ah, love ya, Jacquie!) wouldn't have gone amiss if she wasn't near a card store.  Or she could have spent what she would have spent on lunch and wired me flowers.

This has come up again because she found a moment between travels (the first she's had since July!!!) to visit my partner. They had lunch.  I didn't even ask if she paid for the lunch because believe me, if she didn't, she is even sleazier than I thought she was.  On the other hand she was very helpful to my partner about various legal and financial matters, so that's something

This morning I got an email from her asking if I could have dinner on Thursday and she said if not then, sometime soon.  I wrote back and said that Thursday was now choir practice night, and I thanked her for being helpful to my partner.

I am not saying here that I am writing her off forever and ever, and at this point I don't want to read her the riot act.  But I'm not up for dinner right now.  Maybe after she squeezes herself through the eye of a needle.

Oh, and that reminds me, I really need to try to catch hold of the woman at the Senior Home where I want to do my birthday concert, so that I can put the date on my calendar.  When I invite people I will tell them it's my birthday and that the only "presents" I want are for them to come, preferably with a cell phone camera to make videos, and that flowers are always appreciated.  What diva doesn't want flowers?

ETA: I need to add a few things here.  First, I just found out that a friend of my partner's, who is primarily a friend of the first woman I mentioned here, has terminal cancer.  Obviously, devastating news like that, and the effect it has on everyone, trumps small concerns such as what I wrote here.  I am taking note, and mean to be grateful for what I have.  Second, Clueless Rich Lady sent a second email to me asking when would be a good time for her, me and my partner to have lunch.  I am just going to let it sit.  I will ask my therapist (seeing her Tuesday) what to do.  The issue is less that I never want to see Clueless again, but that right now I am too angry and worry that if I go to lunch I will just lose it, which is something I don't want to do. Obviously this is not just about this birthday.  It is about my anger in general at rich people who are stingy, and has been building for a while.  And lastly, lest people think I'm just a shallow spoiled princess, my meltdown over this birthday fiasco was one of those watersheds that people have in their lives from time to time.  It was about feeling like Cinderella surrounded by rich, befriended people whose friends and families throw them parties and take them on vacations (material things I care less about); feeling that, I suppose, because of choices I have made and chance, I managed to reach the age of 65 without knowing the sort of people who have either the wherewithal or the interest in making a special day for me (and considering how little money I have and how much time I spend caregiving and how few treats I have other than singing, which is something I provide for myself, I deserve one); and ending up with a loved one who would rather have a tantrum about my cleavage than see me happy.  So it was if nothing else a wakeup call that I need to make changes, and maybe letting my relationship with Clueless chill for awhile can be one of them.