I had been planning to post something anyhow, to let readers know that my friend L died peacefully a few days ago. It was all very quick. So this is another friend gone.
I have been inspired to write something by a heart-wrenching Facebook post from a friend - a young man whose mother died recently. She was younger than I am. He was writing about how painful the holidays will be, and how hard it will be to try to recreate the old traditions.
What has happened to me is very different. There was no one big loss that changed everything. I suppose there was for my mother, in that my father died suddenly in 1964, when I was 14. In addition to grief, she was dealing with the shock of now being thrown on her own resources with an unruly teenage daughter, when she had not had a "job" other than homemaking and parenting, for 15 years. He died near Christmas, so that was the last year we had a Christmas tree. I'm sure if I had wanted one, we would have continued, but I did not want one (and I think this shows how different 1964 was from, say, 1984 and subsequently) because I thought holidays were for "children" and spending time with family was "icky". Also whether or not to celebrate Christmas had become a hot button issue because, as someone whose mother was Jewish (albeit secular) my Jewish classmates told me I should not (which my mother thought was ridiculous - she told me that Christmas trees, rather than being "Christian", were, in one view, pagan, and in another, simply part of "Western Civ", along with Bach, Handel, and paintings of the Madonna and Child).
I have had a lot of rich, deeply meaningful holidays since then with friends, or with my mother and my partner (after my mother's parents died I did not have any sort of blood family, other than distant cousins who apparently have no interest in me - I have tried to connect with them at various times over the decades to no avail).
What has left me bereft now isn't the loss of one person, but the falling away of many people, either through death, "relocation", travel, or, simply, lack of energy and lack of interest. And, so, by extension, holiday celebrations (and birthdays) have just withered away.
I never had homemaking skills and that's just the way things are. It is not likely to change. I live in a rent regulated studio apartment in a prime neighborhood, and I am not likely to move somewhere now where I can host holidays. And no one I know does these things either. For years my mother would have Thanksgiving and Christmas in her apartment, the latter with a bowl of ornaments, some branches, a red tablecloth, and some candles. And presents, even if they were chosen beforehand by the recipient (her idea of the best way to use money wisely and avoid disappointments) were always elegantly wrapped. And (I had been discussing this with a friend recently), unpleasant or mundane topics were forbidden at the dinner table.
Once my partner was unable to climb the stairs to my mother's Brooklyn apartment, we had these holidays in a restaurant, taking turns paying, or splitting the check.
Since my mother died, my partner and I eat in a Spanish restaurant in Chelsea on Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. We used to bring leftovers home for her neighbor, a dear friend, but that woman, although she seemed healthier, more fit, and more mobile than my partner, died a few years ago.
I try to decorate (a little) for Christmas. I have some Christmassy things that I can put around the apartment and I always buy a little tree. Always the theological mongrel, I no longer feel conflicted about Christmas. I am Christian enough to celebrate Christmas, but too Jewish to want to be Baptised, no matter how much I love the Lutheran church where I sing almost every Sunday.
And I make sure that my partner has a little tree. There are some ornaments that I used to display around the apartment, but now that she has the cat, they might get damaged.
I don't buy or receive presents at Christmas. I can't afford it and it is not necessary. I can be happy singing, having a meal out, and photographing all the beauty around the city.
Of course I wish things were different. Through a combination of choices I made (not to have children) and chance (I no longer work in an office where a certain amount of socializing - certainly birthday lunches with a large group, and an annual holiday party in an upscale venue - is provided in situ) I am left with very little.
I don't want to be someone whose life ends with a whimper, becoming quieter and quieter until there's nothing there. I'm not that kind of person. I'm a BIG DIVA who loves dressing up, and who always likes to flirt with "too much". If I want MORE I don't even know where to start.
After that gut wrenching birthday that wasn't, I told myself that I was going to do things differently. I was always going to say "yes" to anyplace I could go where there would be people, instead of "no". So I am now working at the church after school program. I will go to more of the Moon Circles. I engage in conversations with people I meet in stores.
How did I end up having such a tiny footprint?
The other day I asked myself: is someone who gets four birthday cards, a spoiled lunch, and a dress bought under coercion for a milestone birthday worth less than someone whose large extended family throws them a party with 50 people, a huge meal, and a slide show complete with funny stories? I have certainly been to those. I suppose not in the eyes of God. But I do feel that.
Well, on a more upbeat note, it looks like I will have my birthday concert!! I am now in real communication with the woman at the Home. She said it sounds like a lovely idea, So now I just have to settle on a date, and ask her if I can invite guests. I said there wouldn't be more than 10. Fat chance that there will even be that many. Well, I will post it on Facebook and say it is my birthday. All I want is a few people to come with a cell phone camera and maybe someone to bring flowers. Or someone can send them to my house. I don't even know anyone who can be bothered doing that any more.
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