Well guess what? I woke up this morning, read my email, looked at Facebook, and there was a video clip of Little Miss, posted by her musician/composer/conductor boyfriend, with endless kvelling.
I have, to date, not been able to obtain the video of me singing "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth". The church Communications Director said it was too big to download easily, although when we last spoke, he was doing just that. I don't want to bother him again. It's too bad, because I was happy with how I sounded, at least in the bit that I heard.
Yes, I have talent, and now I have a decent technique too, and I'm even pretty good looking for someone almost 66, but what I don't have (hence the Wizard of Oz reference) are any cheerleaders.
My voice teacher doesn't know how to make videos with a phone. He says he used to make videos of all his performances (I guess someone else operated the camera) but he now has told me he doesn't like how he looks on camera. He is going to make an audiotape of Carmen, he told me.
Well, I guess the next thing I am going to do is write to my former boss, the photographer, and see if he can bring some kind of camera to document the performance in some manner or form, so that I can have something to post and kvell over.
How can I not feel despondent when no one even cares enough about all this to document me?
Is this little blog really all there is?
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
The Bitter and the Sweet - 2016 Iteration
First, the sweet.
We had the first of two Carmen rehearsals today and boy, can I see a difference from 2014.
First, I sang the "Seguidilla" in the original key. I nailed the B natural. Now, that does not mean that I can do it in the performance when I am not as relaxed as in a rehearsal, but there's hope. First of all I no longer gird my loins, take a deep breath, brace myself, and hope for the best. I now have some idea of what to do with my larynx and mouth, and seem to be able to stay "on task". I mean I am now vocalizing up to a C sharp (however it sounds) several times a week (my teacher has told me not to attempt it every day). I was also pleasantly surprised by how well I sang all the recitatives and bits and pieces of the duets which are very hard to work on alone, without an accompaniment and the other singer. The only thing I'm shaky on is the entrance to "Chanson Boheme" and the recitative before the "Card Scene". And it will also be easier this time because I can use the music.
I am not making a big deal of inviting people because I was told it is mostly for the clients and members of this LGBT senior center. I was told I could invite 5 guests who are over 60. I already have my 5, plus my partner, who will be escorted by a friend, also someone her age. They don't count toward the total because my partner is a client of the organization. I am especially touched that this friend is coming because (even at 80) she has a grueling job and I never thought she liked me all that much. Anyhow, I am very touched that she will be coming. And my old boss from the 90s, and his wife, will be coming. He is a professional photographer but I have no idea if he would know how to make a video with a cell phone camera. For all I know he takes stills (the only work I have seen) with an old fashioned film camera.
As for the bitter, the accompanist for Carmen works at the conservatory where Little Miss is finishing up her MMus, and told me that she will be going to Caramoor as one of their young artists. It is just very very painful to have someone living the life I wish I had lived, succeeding at it (she is obviously the best of the best of the best at that conservatory - many students graduate from there and end up only teaching or being paid church singers and not even soloists at that), and still floating around my little world. Probably she will have less and less to do with the choir. I actually am happy to have her there if we are singing a piece with two soprano parts because there isn't anyone to sing those high parts. I am fine being a second soprano (although I wish there were not now six of us). My only source of unhappiness was that I felt I was not as highly prized as she was, nor ever as publicly praised.
Also, my therapist said I should "grieve" over what I feel were my lost opportunities, the life I now know I will never have. She said I am always angry, which probably means I am really sad. I said what good would it do to be sad? At least if I am angry that can sometimes motivate me to work harder. Sure, if I let myself I could just put my head down and sob for a week over that teenager who thought it was more important to weigh 15 pounds less (which I thought I could achieve by smoking) and be "mod" than to honor the gift of a voice I had been given, who slacked her way through school (I mean all these successful people I envy were involved with clubs and extracurricular activities from the time they were 14, when I was cutting classes and sitting and smoking in Prospect Park), got in with the wrong crowd, caught up first in the zeitgeist of "the Sixties" and then with politically correct Dyke-dom. But what good would any of this do? No one seems to understand how much gut-wrenching sadness I feel. Everyone just platitudinizes and says things like "I don't regret anything because it all made me the person I am today." Well I certainly don't feel that. Not at all.
So now it's time to go to bed. I have 12 days to take care of myself and polish my performance.
We had the first of two Carmen rehearsals today and boy, can I see a difference from 2014.
First, I sang the "Seguidilla" in the original key. I nailed the B natural. Now, that does not mean that I can do it in the performance when I am not as relaxed as in a rehearsal, but there's hope. First of all I no longer gird my loins, take a deep breath, brace myself, and hope for the best. I now have some idea of what to do with my larynx and mouth, and seem to be able to stay "on task". I mean I am now vocalizing up to a C sharp (however it sounds) several times a week (my teacher has told me not to attempt it every day). I was also pleasantly surprised by how well I sang all the recitatives and bits and pieces of the duets which are very hard to work on alone, without an accompaniment and the other singer. The only thing I'm shaky on is the entrance to "Chanson Boheme" and the recitative before the "Card Scene". And it will also be easier this time because I can use the music.
I am not making a big deal of inviting people because I was told it is mostly for the clients and members of this LGBT senior center. I was told I could invite 5 guests who are over 60. I already have my 5, plus my partner, who will be escorted by a friend, also someone her age. They don't count toward the total because my partner is a client of the organization. I am especially touched that this friend is coming because (even at 80) she has a grueling job and I never thought she liked me all that much. Anyhow, I am very touched that she will be coming. And my old boss from the 90s, and his wife, will be coming. He is a professional photographer but I have no idea if he would know how to make a video with a cell phone camera. For all I know he takes stills (the only work I have seen) with an old fashioned film camera.
As for the bitter, the accompanist for Carmen works at the conservatory where Little Miss is finishing up her MMus, and told me that she will be going to Caramoor as one of their young artists. It is just very very painful to have someone living the life I wish I had lived, succeeding at it (she is obviously the best of the best of the best at that conservatory - many students graduate from there and end up only teaching or being paid church singers and not even soloists at that), and still floating around my little world. Probably she will have less and less to do with the choir. I actually am happy to have her there if we are singing a piece with two soprano parts because there isn't anyone to sing those high parts. I am fine being a second soprano (although I wish there were not now six of us). My only source of unhappiness was that I felt I was not as highly prized as she was, nor ever as publicly praised.
Also, my therapist said I should "grieve" over what I feel were my lost opportunities, the life I now know I will never have. She said I am always angry, which probably means I am really sad. I said what good would it do to be sad? At least if I am angry that can sometimes motivate me to work harder. Sure, if I let myself I could just put my head down and sob for a week over that teenager who thought it was more important to weigh 15 pounds less (which I thought I could achieve by smoking) and be "mod" than to honor the gift of a voice I had been given, who slacked her way through school (I mean all these successful people I envy were involved with clubs and extracurricular activities from the time they were 14, when I was cutting classes and sitting and smoking in Prospect Park), got in with the wrong crowd, caught up first in the zeitgeist of "the Sixties" and then with politically correct Dyke-dom. But what good would any of this do? No one seems to understand how much gut-wrenching sadness I feel. Everyone just platitudinizes and says things like "I don't regret anything because it all made me the person I am today." Well I certainly don't feel that. Not at all.
So now it's time to go to bed. I have 12 days to take care of myself and polish my performance.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Exit Laughing
Well, today ended with a bit of a giggle.
I went with my voice teacher to look at the performance space at the LGBT Senior Center. As we were getting ready to leave, after looking at the space, an attractive young woman came into the waiting room and announced "I'm having a workshop on sex. Is anyone interested? Pass the word along." She saw me and my teacher standing with our coats on and said "Do you want to stay and talk about sex?" so my teacher said "We're going uptown to my apartment because she's having a voice lesson" and I said "In a few weeks we will be putting on Carmen, it's got lots of sex." It was pretty surreal.
And may I add, I had a really great lesson and the role is sounding really good?
I went with my voice teacher to look at the performance space at the LGBT Senior Center. As we were getting ready to leave, after looking at the space, an attractive young woman came into the waiting room and announced "I'm having a workshop on sex. Is anyone interested? Pass the word along." She saw me and my teacher standing with our coats on and said "Do you want to stay and talk about sex?" so my teacher said "We're going uptown to my apartment because she's having a voice lesson" and I said "In a few weeks we will be putting on Carmen, it's got lots of sex." It was pretty surreal.
And may I add, I had a really great lesson and the role is sounding really good?
Unforgettable?
Overall, things have been going very well.
I nailed the big note at the end of the anthem, with no negative feedback that it was unsuitably loud.
And I now have a "fan". A woman who is a seminarian studying to be a minister as a second career, who is also an artist and a poet, has come up to me and raved not just about three solos that she heard me sing, but also about hearing my voice cut across the top of the choir singing the "Hallelujah Chorus" and this past Sunday's anthem.
And last night I sang through the entire Carmen program, setting the timer for the breaks I will get when the narrator is reading, and everything went well (even the B in the "Sequidilla"!) and I did not get tired. I need to work on the "Card Aria" and some of the recitative, but otherwise that's it.
In less happy news, I have still not received the video of "Redeemer". When I asked the Communications Director for it last Sunday (it had been a week) I prefaced my request with "I know how busy you are" and he said, "Oh, it's not that, I just forgot".
Now "forgetting" is not something that sits well with me on any level. Being too busy, yes, I understand that. It was like Rich Lady apparently having "forgotten" my birthday. I WILL NOT BE "FORGETTABLE". I will not have that.
When I wrote to a friend and asked her what she thought I should do next, she told me to ask him, when I see him this coming Sunday, just to email me the video then and there. It is probably something he can do with his phone. He had also, when he first made it, said that if I wanted, he could cut it down so that I could use a section of it for posting. Then my friend said "Don't take it personally, it's not about you." But that's the whole point. I'm upset because "it wasn't about me". I want things to be "about me". At least sometimes. At least as much as Little Miss has things that are "about her". She doesn't have to beg people for videos and plead with them to post them on Facebook and kvell. People just do it. And all I was asking for was a video. I was willing to do my own kvelling, such as could be done without being "unseemly".
People: is this lady really so forgettable?
I nailed the big note at the end of the anthem, with no negative feedback that it was unsuitably loud.
And I now have a "fan". A woman who is a seminarian studying to be a minister as a second career, who is also an artist and a poet, has come up to me and raved not just about three solos that she heard me sing, but also about hearing my voice cut across the top of the choir singing the "Hallelujah Chorus" and this past Sunday's anthem.
And last night I sang through the entire Carmen program, setting the timer for the breaks I will get when the narrator is reading, and everything went well (even the B in the "Sequidilla"!) and I did not get tired. I need to work on the "Card Aria" and some of the recitative, but otherwise that's it.
In less happy news, I have still not received the video of "Redeemer". When I asked the Communications Director for it last Sunday (it had been a week) I prefaced my request with "I know how busy you are" and he said, "Oh, it's not that, I just forgot".
Now "forgetting" is not something that sits well with me on any level. Being too busy, yes, I understand that. It was like Rich Lady apparently having "forgotten" my birthday. I WILL NOT BE "FORGETTABLE". I will not have that.
When I wrote to a friend and asked her what she thought I should do next, she told me to ask him, when I see him this coming Sunday, just to email me the video then and there. It is probably something he can do with his phone. He had also, when he first made it, said that if I wanted, he could cut it down so that I could use a section of it for posting. Then my friend said "Don't take it personally, it's not about you." But that's the whole point. I'm upset because "it wasn't about me". I want things to be "about me". At least sometimes. At least as much as Little Miss has things that are "about her". She doesn't have to beg people for videos and plead with them to post them on Facebook and kvell. People just do it. And all I was asking for was a video. I was willing to do my own kvelling, such as could be done without being "unseemly".
People: is this lady really so forgettable?
Friday, April 8, 2016
Old Foes Become New Friends
Last night at choir practice we got Sunday's anthem, a piece by Alice Parker called "Hark I Hear the Harps Eternal". It has three women's parts. We have sung this piece at least twice. The first time I sang the top part (which is the only soprano part) which sits at the top of the staff and goes up to a high A. That was about 7 years ago when I still had to muster all my forces, gird my loins, and scream up there. My doing that elicited a very negative response from the choir director in the form of a personal email. The second time we sang it I sang the top alto part, which is a decent part - it goes up to an F. When I came in last night I decided to beat him to the punch so I said, "you want the second sopranos to sing the top alto part, right" (just as a point of information, only one of the now five second sopranos, other than Yours Truly, can sing a G let alone an A) and he said "well, we'll have to wait to see if the high sopranos [Little Miss and another woman that age who has come to New York to act] show up, so just sing it as written for now". So I said "OK, I will give it a try". I figured, ok, I'm following instructions. I will sing the note with my real voice, and if he says no I can sing an F in its place, which would fit in the melody, but still stay on the top part otherwise.
Well, it was not hard at all. It stayed "in line" and all I had to do was think "dark and deep", keep my larynx down, but my mouth not too wide open. So that's that. If on Sunday one of the high sopranos shows up and he doesn't want me to sing that note, I made my point. Yes I can sing up there. So all I have to do is keep talking to a minimum today and tomorrow because that's always the killer for me.
An in perfect synchronicity, this picture, with quote, showed up on Facebook.
In other news, at my last lesson I had some trouble with the high C sharp (I had had an allergy attack the night before and also my humidifier conked out and I hadn't bought a new one yet) so my teacher said to give it a rest. Just to vocalize up to a B. He also said to give the "Seguidilla" a rest and work on other scenes in the opera, which I need to do because he has added some recitative.
Well, it was not hard at all. It stayed "in line" and all I had to do was think "dark and deep", keep my larynx down, but my mouth not too wide open. So that's that. If on Sunday one of the high sopranos shows up and he doesn't want me to sing that note, I made my point. Yes I can sing up there. So all I have to do is keep talking to a minimum today and tomorrow because that's always the killer for me.
An in perfect synchronicity, this picture, with quote, showed up on Facebook.
In other news, at my last lesson I had some trouble with the high C sharp (I had had an allergy attack the night before and also my humidifier conked out and I hadn't bought a new one yet) so my teacher said to give it a rest. Just to vocalize up to a B. He also said to give the "Seguidilla" a rest and work on other scenes in the opera, which I need to do because he has added some recitative.
Monday, April 4, 2016
Easter Joy
Keeping to my promise to write when things go well, not just when they don't, I want to let you know that "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth" went well yesterday. I hadn't sung it in public in about 7 years, and there is certainly a difference. The Director of Music accompanied me and said I had a "good sound". The Communications Director made a video (I haven't seen it yet) which he will send me. He also said if I want, he can cut it so that I can have a smaller segment to post or send people. The choir director was there with his family and said it sounded good also.
So now it's back to Carmen. I seem to be having trouble with the B in the "Seguidilla" again, which is frustrating, because I'm doing well vocalizing up to a C sharp. I'm having terrible allergies, maybe that's why.
So now it's back to Carmen. I seem to be having trouble with the B in the "Seguidilla" again, which is frustrating, because I'm doing well vocalizing up to a C sharp. I'm having terrible allergies, maybe that's why.
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