First, the sweet.
We had the first of two Carmen rehearsals today and boy, can I see a difference from 2014.
First, I sang the "Seguidilla" in the original key. I nailed the B natural. Now, that does not mean that I can do it in the performance when I am not as relaxed as in a rehearsal, but there's hope. First of all I no longer gird my loins, take a deep breath, brace myself, and hope for the best. I now have some idea of what to do with my larynx and mouth, and seem to be able to stay "on task". I mean I am now vocalizing up to a C sharp (however it sounds) several times a week (my teacher has told me not to attempt it every day). I was also pleasantly surprised by how well I sang all the recitatives and bits and pieces of the duets which are very hard to work on alone, without an accompaniment and the other singer. The only thing I'm shaky on is the entrance to "Chanson Boheme" and the recitative before the "Card Scene". And it will also be easier this time because I can use the music.
I am not making a big deal of inviting people because I was told it is mostly for the clients and members of this LGBT senior center. I was told I could invite 5 guests who are over 60. I already have my 5, plus my partner, who will be escorted by a friend, also someone her age. They don't count toward the total because my partner is a client of the organization. I am especially touched that this friend is coming because (even at 80) she has a grueling job and I never thought she liked me all that much. Anyhow, I am very touched that she will be coming. And my old boss from the 90s, and his wife, will be coming. He is a professional photographer but I have no idea if he would know how to make a video with a cell phone camera. For all I know he takes stills (the only work I have seen) with an old fashioned film camera.
As for the bitter, the accompanist for Carmen works at the conservatory where Little Miss is finishing up her MMus, and told me that she will be going to Caramoor as one of their young artists. It is just very very painful to have someone living the life I wish I had lived, succeeding at it (she is obviously the best of the best of the best at that conservatory - many students graduate from there and end up only teaching or being paid church singers and not even soloists at that), and still floating around my little world. Probably she will have less and less to do with the choir. I actually am happy to have her there if we are singing a piece with two soprano parts because there isn't anyone to sing those high parts. I am fine being a second soprano (although I wish there were not now six of us). My only source of unhappiness was that I felt I was not as highly prized as she was, nor ever as publicly praised.
Also, my therapist said I should "grieve" over what I feel were my lost opportunities, the life I now know I will never have. She said I am always angry, which probably means I am really sad. I said what good would it do to be sad? At least if I am angry that can sometimes motivate me to work harder. Sure, if I let myself I could just put my head down and sob for a week over that teenager who thought it was more important to weigh 15 pounds less (which I thought I could achieve by smoking) and be "mod" than to honor the gift of a voice I had been given, who slacked her way through school (I mean all these successful people I envy were involved with clubs and extracurricular activities from the time they were 14, when I was cutting classes and sitting and smoking in Prospect Park), got in with the wrong crowd, caught up first in the zeitgeist of "the Sixties" and then with politically correct Dyke-dom. But what good would any of this do? No one seems to understand how much gut-wrenching sadness I feel. Everyone just platitudinizes and says things like "I don't regret anything because it all made me the person I am today." Well I certainly don't feel that. Not at all.
So now it's time to go to bed. I have 12 days to take care of myself and polish my performance.
I finally have experienced what you are feeling and can be more empathetic. A couple of weeks ago, my voice teacher spent the first 5 minutes or so bragging on her students' performances at the area NATS. Usually I always enjoy her stories, but that day i had had a hard night and was having some physical problems, and something just went south.I simply must have been emotionally fragile. Within 15 minutes I was sobbing. I have NEVER sobbed in a voice lesson. And I told her how I felt, that I felt like a nobody, how can I even expect her to teach me when she has all these wonderful students, etc. ad nauseum. Bless her heart, she let me cry it out. She apologized and thanked me and said she would not do that again. Now she waits till the end of the lesson!!! By bedtime I was pretty well recovered and started thinking about how I was going to practice the coming week. So now I can understand better much you hurt.
ReplyDeleteShe has a graduating high school senior before me. And within the past few months her singing has gone from problematic to becoming quite lovely. Each week she gets stronger. I really enjoy the privilege of hearing her progress, even if only for a few minutes at the end of her lesson. She has decided to major in voice in college. And, yes, there are the occasional moments of envy, but at the same time I feel so privileged be able to follow her growth and will miss her this fall.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. And I'm also appalled that your teacher continues to do this, whether at the end of the lesson or not. I think somewhere that many people think that older people don't have feelings. That we don't have dreams and aspirations, so we should all jump up and cheer for young people and feel "maternal" toward them. I would not feel this bad if, say, there were someone in the choir who was a high level professional who was even - 40! Then at least I could use her as a kind of mentor figure. Actually in all fairness, the choir director has stopped the endless public praising of this young person, possibly because almost exactly a year ago I had the mother of all meltdowns (on Facebook, not in public). I felt I had dangerously overstepped a line on the one hand, but on the other hand, what I saw as this unfair behavior has stopped. Also he has a new boss, someone who has a background as a community choral conductor, who is probably more oriented toward older "emergings" (that's how I think of myself; I'm certainly not a beginner), and who also no doubt has taken seminars on group psychology. I suppose you are a nicer person than I am, not to be so plagued with envy. For example I did not go to any of this young woman's opera performances. Two of them were at opera companies that had rejected me less than kindly. My mantra when I get in this kind of a mood is to Mind My Own Business, work hard, and avoid "envy triggers", which I have done.
ReplyDeleteYes, working hard works for me too. Especially when I listen to and enjoy the places where there is progress. And no, I am not necessarily a nice person. But I am a mother of two grown children and I have learned to enjoy them immensely, despite occasional very minor bouts of envy....(VBG). After I had studied for about a year, my teacher said she wished she had gotten hold of me when I was young. I told her I wasn't going to go there. I am where I am now and that is the place I have to grow from. Also, I am guessing that i am about 10 years older than you, and you do ripen as you get older and start developing new perspectives. I have so enjoyed watching all your triumphs, by the say!
ReplyDeleteI am going to be 66 in July, which I am looking forward to because once I can collect Social Security I will be in less of a financial squeeze. My teacher did work with me when I was younger but even then (I was 26 and had just stopped smoking) was comparatively late and I wasn't what you would call serious, although ironically I got cast in roles with amateur opera groups, which back then really were for amateurs. He says that you can develop new muscle and new muscle memory until you're in your 90s. He also said he was pleasantly surprised at the progress I have made (particularly since I began keeping my sinuses cleared out with the Neti pot). Well, no, you wouldn't be envious of your own children. That means you're a healthy person (what does VBG mean?) I think part of my envy of young people is that I grew up with one set of values ("turn on, tune in, and drop out") and now I am living in a world where the women I meet (particularly if they were born after 1970 and especially if they are in the performing arts) have been grooming themselves (or other people have been grooming them) for success since young childhood. I don't meet a lot of people who develop a passion for something when they're older, particularly not people who basically threw away their youth and didn't wake up and smell the coffee until they were in their 30s or 40s, so there's no paradigm for us.
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