Almost every Sunday there is something in the sermon that speaks to me, even though I am not Christian. Today, the minister posed the question: Is there a place in your life where God is knocking on the door, a place where you feel stuck or broken? And I realized that the answer is "yes". The part of me that knows I will never have a place, even a tiny one, in the "world of singers" here in New York (which for me is "the world" as I have never lived anywhere else and would not know how to). That does not mean, however, that there is no place for me to sing. For a long time I have felt a calling to work with the elderly. Not now really, because I am involved in taking care of my partner. So beyond singing in senior venues there really is nothing I need to be doing. But if I outlive her (which I most likely will) I will want something to do, and volunteering to work with the elderly (I imagine this as being one on one; singing to them, particularly, not for applause but to give them their favorite songs, but also talking with them, listening to their stories, and just being with them) will be that something. It will never fill the hole in my heart that will be there forever when my angel is gone and it will not buy me the respect of "the Forum crowd" but it will fill my soul.
God is knocking on my door here. I know this.
The question is, will I listen. Is S/he knocking loud enough to drown out all the self-promotion of the hordes of people who have come here to "make it" in the performing arts, who make me feel so irrelevant and envious?
Sunday, January 20, 2019
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
A Need to Change the Narrative
Or move the needle, as people are always saying.
I am trying to make a happy life for myself by putting as much creativity in it as I have time for, and being grateful for the rest.
I don't consider taking care of my partner a burden; it's not just that I love her, I also find many of the people-rich activities I am involved in as her caregiver to be stimulating. I love most of the aides who take care of her. They have opened my eyes and heart to a whole world that is very different from the one I grew up in and still live in, and which always leaves me feeling that I don't measure up.
A team of nurses came to see my partner. We are now enrolled in a program that originated when she was in the hospital the last time. It is geared toward people over 75 who end up in the hospital via an emergency room. They suggested that I buy her a coloring book. Now they are trying to get her a "buddy" (which would be a graduate student) from the Alzheimers Association.
I have one mini concert on the horizon and am doing some other networking. My far off future plan, if my loved one dies and I am still healthy, is to sing for seniors not just by giving concerts but also by volunteering at nursing homes where I could come sing at their bedsides (or talk with them, listen to their stories, read, or anything else).
I am not going to try to get any kind of advanced degree. I hate academics. I can do this as a volunteer and continue to spend 20 hours a week copy editing. It is boring and isolating, but it is what I need mostly because I can make my own schedule and I know how to find work. It is a very low maintenance kind of livelihood. And (God works in mysterious ways) I now am working on a journal about aging.
Here's the problem: I am distracted by bright shiny objects.
Almost every new person I meet is a real performer of some kind. Is or was. Is enough to have a web site and a list of credits going back to high school. Gorgeous professional head shots. A place to be seen. For example, if I tick off the 20 or so people in my choir, more than half of them have music or theater degrees and more than half of them have advanced professional degrees from prestigious schools. Many people have both. Someone new joined the choir (she is very nice, and not someone I would be competing with because she is a musical theater style belter) who has a flashy web site and a public presence. (Right now she has taken a "break" from regional theater to work in tech, and who knows? She might stay there.) But her web site is what I mean by a bright shiny object. Not the site so much as the fact that someone I met in a church choir has one. I want one too. I suppose I could make myself one, but what for? I have this blog, and a Youtube channel, but I am not part of the conversation. People will tell me "oh, you sounded lovely" but I am still at the bottom of the food chain. The people in my Pilates class are all retired academics, or something similar. One was a casting agent, one was (is?) an architect.
I can be having a happy day and then something coming out of the tsunami of uber-successful people I am drowning in will act as a trigger and I will dissolve into self deprecation because I am not a "bright shiny object" the way they are. Someone told me (I suppose a propos of all the talk about Stormy Daniels) that with my large frontage (real), my age (a niche market) and my expertise with hair, makeup, wigs, and even masks, I could have a web site full of "adult" photographic content. Is this the best I can do?? No thank you. Prudery aside, that's an overcrowded market, too. Is there anything that isn't?
If I can't have bright shiny objects (or be one) why can't I change the narrative? I can lose myself and be happy in small things (although nothing - except snuggling with my frail, sweet, partner - makes me as happy as getting up in front of an audience, singing well, and hearing applause) so why can't I stay there?
ETA: As always a glutton for punishment, I went back and googled "choir girl" to see what else I could find (a Facebook page? see who her friends are?) and found an article from last year's TIMES about her and her roommate (an aspiring opera singer) not about them as performers but about their travails with a North Manhattan apartment (I don't want to link to the article here for the sake of people's privacy). There was a gorgeous photo, and quite a lot about these two young women. So how did they nail a piece of publicity like that? That's what I'm dying to know. Are aspiring performers better at networking with journalists so that they can promote themselves in every way possible? I know a lot of people have various apartment travails and they don't have huge pictures of themselves in the paper. This just confirms my whine that I just don't know the right people.
I am trying to make a happy life for myself by putting as much creativity in it as I have time for, and being grateful for the rest.
I don't consider taking care of my partner a burden; it's not just that I love her, I also find many of the people-rich activities I am involved in as her caregiver to be stimulating. I love most of the aides who take care of her. They have opened my eyes and heart to a whole world that is very different from the one I grew up in and still live in, and which always leaves me feeling that I don't measure up.
A team of nurses came to see my partner. We are now enrolled in a program that originated when she was in the hospital the last time. It is geared toward people over 75 who end up in the hospital via an emergency room. They suggested that I buy her a coloring book. Now they are trying to get her a "buddy" (which would be a graduate student) from the Alzheimers Association.
I have one mini concert on the horizon and am doing some other networking. My far off future plan, if my loved one dies and I am still healthy, is to sing for seniors not just by giving concerts but also by volunteering at nursing homes where I could come sing at their bedsides (or talk with them, listen to their stories, read, or anything else).
I am not going to try to get any kind of advanced degree. I hate academics. I can do this as a volunteer and continue to spend 20 hours a week copy editing. It is boring and isolating, but it is what I need mostly because I can make my own schedule and I know how to find work. It is a very low maintenance kind of livelihood. And (God works in mysterious ways) I now am working on a journal about aging.
Here's the problem: I am distracted by bright shiny objects.
Almost every new person I meet is a real performer of some kind. Is or was. Is enough to have a web site and a list of credits going back to high school. Gorgeous professional head shots. A place to be seen. For example, if I tick off the 20 or so people in my choir, more than half of them have music or theater degrees and more than half of them have advanced professional degrees from prestigious schools. Many people have both. Someone new joined the choir (she is very nice, and not someone I would be competing with because she is a musical theater style belter) who has a flashy web site and a public presence. (Right now she has taken a "break" from regional theater to work in tech, and who knows? She might stay there.) But her web site is what I mean by a bright shiny object. Not the site so much as the fact that someone I met in a church choir has one. I want one too. I suppose I could make myself one, but what for? I have this blog, and a Youtube channel, but I am not part of the conversation. People will tell me "oh, you sounded lovely" but I am still at the bottom of the food chain. The people in my Pilates class are all retired academics, or something similar. One was a casting agent, one was (is?) an architect.
I can be having a happy day and then something coming out of the tsunami of uber-successful people I am drowning in will act as a trigger and I will dissolve into self deprecation because I am not a "bright shiny object" the way they are. Someone told me (I suppose a propos of all the talk about Stormy Daniels) that with my large frontage (real), my age (a niche market) and my expertise with hair, makeup, wigs, and even masks, I could have a web site full of "adult" photographic content. Is this the best I can do?? No thank you. Prudery aside, that's an overcrowded market, too. Is there anything that isn't?
If I can't have bright shiny objects (or be one) why can't I change the narrative? I can lose myself and be happy in small things (although nothing - except snuggling with my frail, sweet, partner - makes me as happy as getting up in front of an audience, singing well, and hearing applause) so why can't I stay there?
ETA: As always a glutton for punishment, I went back and googled "choir girl" to see what else I could find (a Facebook page? see who her friends are?) and found an article from last year's TIMES about her and her roommate (an aspiring opera singer) not about them as performers but about their travails with a North Manhattan apartment (I don't want to link to the article here for the sake of people's privacy). There was a gorgeous photo, and quite a lot about these two young women. So how did they nail a piece of publicity like that? That's what I'm dying to know. Are aspiring performers better at networking with journalists so that they can promote themselves in every way possible? I know a lot of people have various apartment travails and they don't have huge pictures of themselves in the paper. This just confirms my whine that I just don't know the right people.
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
2018 Wrap Up
I haven't done one of these for a while. This was an old meme that circulated in my previous blogging community, which I have returned to in a limited way to be part of their writing contest.
A friend posted this, so I thought it would be a good exercise to do one of my own. I didn't want to put it on Facebook (too many viewers) and didn't want to post it in the other blogging community because I want people who go to my page there to see my entry for the writing contest. So it's here.
1. What did you do in 2018 that you had never done before? Start seriously writing a memoir.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and did you make some for this year? I didn’t really make any. If I did informally, they will be the same for this year: work as hard as I can on my singing and writing, love my partner while she’s still here on earth, try to be more open to social interactions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? One of the pastors at church did.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Blessedly no one. I am of the age when people I know just die, and it’s not unusual.
5. What countries did you visit? None. I haven’t been out of the country since 2004.
6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018? Invitations, invitations, invitations!! To sing (most of the time if I want to sing I have to make the initial ask), to do something wonderful on my next birthday that I don’t have to plan or pay for, to go on a special, magical outing that is not too expensive and that won’t take me too far away from my partner (and that takes place during the daylight).
7. What date from 2018 will be etched upon your memory and why? Good Friday where I was the (only) featured soloist. This is something I waited 10 years for.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Singing five recitals and doing a really good job with all of them.
9. What was your biggest failure? Standing up in church on December 30 to sing a piece with a high A in it, which I had sung beautifully and easily at the rehearsal, and being unable to make a creditable sound up there; I sounded like a cat whose tail had been stepped on. (I may have had a cold-induced asthma attack beforehand; I’m not sure.)
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing serious. Just chronic arthritis and respiratory issues.
11. What was the best thing you bought? I treated myself to having my dining room painted.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? All the wonderful aides who take care of my partner, certainly the three who go above and beyond my wildest dreams, including one who gave me several expensive Christmas presents.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Duh!! The orange monster who committed treason to get into the White House and his disgusting band of congressional sycophants.
14. Where did most of your money go? Voice lessons, dentist.
15. What did you get really, really excited about? Singing and writing.
16. What song will always remind you of 2018? “Tanti affetti” from La Donna del Lago. It has seven high B flats in it and I aced it in three recitals.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you
Happier or sadder? Happier. I have chosen to spend more time with good ordinary people and less time with professional musicians and successful Upper West Side professionals.
Thinner or fatter? About the same, but my body is changing so much (bigger waist – actually good for singing - smaller hips, skirts are too tight, low rise jeans are too big, and everything is too long; had to get rid of a lot of clothes).
Richer or poorer? Certainly poorer as of December when my 401ks took a hit.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Socializing.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Mindlessly surfing the net in ways that I know will make me feel bad.
20. How did you spend Christmas? With my partner, in her bed, watching a marathon of Granchester.
21. Did you fall in love in 2018? Not in the romantic sense. I realized that I really really love some of the aides who take care of my partner. I don’t love easily. (I don’t think I’ve ever had a platonic female friend that I loved for example, which I guess is odd.)
22. Did your heart break in 2018? My heart breaks a little every day for my partner as she nears the end of life. Whenever I remember the “never agains” (traveling with her, going to the theater or the ballet with her, going to a museum with her, sitting up and eating at a table in a restaurant with her). But this is all counterbalanced by my gratitude that she is alive.
23. What was your favorite TV program? As always, Masterpiece Mystery and Masterpiece Classic.
24. Where were you when 2018 began? In bed with my partner, probably asleep.
25. Where were you when 2018 ended? See above; except that I woke up at 10:30 after a one hour nap and did get to watch the ball drop at Times Square, courtesy of Channel One.
26. Who will you be with when 2019 ends? I hope with my partner. I hope she is still alive.
27. What was the best book you read? I read so much I can’t choose, but The Paying Guests by Sarah Waters comes to mind.
28. What was your greatest musical discovery? Art songs and spirituals by Florence Price. Also her symphonic music.
29. What did you want and get? Another year with my partner.
30. What did you want and not get? Someone I would feel ok about listing as an “emergency contact” on a form (other than a doctor, a lawyer, or a therapist). A real birthday celebration planned by someone else. (These things are definitely related.)
31. What was your favorite film of the year? Maybe the cartoon film “Coco”? I watch a lot of films on Movies on Demand and lose track of which ones are from what year.
32. How many different states did you travel to in 2018? None. I haven’t been out of NY City since 2014 and prior to that I had not been out of NY City since 2009. My next trip will be to Ogunquit to scatter my partner’s ashes, so I can’t really say I am looking forward to my next trip. I hope maybe to take a day trip next year to Philly to see the art museums with some friends. We had talked about it this year but it didn’t materialize.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018? Casual most of the time, but I always wear something dressier to go to church even though I’ll usually have a choir robe on. I get dressed up to sing. I have given away almost everything that is snug around the waist. However if I am going anywhere I always wear stagey makeup and have my hair set.
34. What kept you sane? The fact that my partner is on Medicaid and they provide 24 hour care.
35. What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? My mind never goes in that direction. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? Well, this is about my head, not my heart. I think we have to clean up elections in all the states that are practicing voter obstruction first, then work to elect candidates who will enact a progressive agenda.
37. How many concerts did you see in 2018? Maybe 4 or 5? Chamber music at the church, a concert at Juilliard given by my choir director’s piano students (he teaches there), Jupiter symphony. (All free or $10).
38. Who was the best new person you met? A little boy in my after school program who makes me laugh.
39. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Probably losing my temper at someone. I do do this less, thankfully.
40. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2018? See item 9.
41. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018? The lesson I learned in 2017 was reinforced: that I probably can never “do well” so I have to be content with “doing good”. Also, that there are all kinds of joyful, esteemable, worthy ways to make a life that don’t involve being a high-level professional (in music, theater, or anything else) and that I need to meet more people who are living that way and spend less time with the uber-class (who continue metastasizing all over my zip code, in particular), who just end up making me hate myself.
42. What are your plans for 2019? To keep singing, focusing on my niche of bringing joy to the elderly, to continue with my memoir and other writing, to work hard to appreciate the things I have and to love and cherish my partner as long as God grants that I can have her. Also to keep trying to meet people and make new friendships.
A friend posted this, so I thought it would be a good exercise to do one of my own. I didn't want to put it on Facebook (too many viewers) and didn't want to post it in the other blogging community because I want people who go to my page there to see my entry for the writing contest. So it's here.
1. What did you do in 2018 that you had never done before? Start seriously writing a memoir.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and did you make some for this year? I didn’t really make any. If I did informally, they will be the same for this year: work as hard as I can on my singing and writing, love my partner while she’s still here on earth, try to be more open to social interactions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? One of the pastors at church did.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Blessedly no one. I am of the age when people I know just die, and it’s not unusual.
5. What countries did you visit? None. I haven’t been out of the country since 2004.
6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018? Invitations, invitations, invitations!! To sing (most of the time if I want to sing I have to make the initial ask), to do something wonderful on my next birthday that I don’t have to plan or pay for, to go on a special, magical outing that is not too expensive and that won’t take me too far away from my partner (and that takes place during the daylight).
7. What date from 2018 will be etched upon your memory and why? Good Friday where I was the (only) featured soloist. This is something I waited 10 years for.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Singing five recitals and doing a really good job with all of them.
9. What was your biggest failure? Standing up in church on December 30 to sing a piece with a high A in it, which I had sung beautifully and easily at the rehearsal, and being unable to make a creditable sound up there; I sounded like a cat whose tail had been stepped on. (I may have had a cold-induced asthma attack beforehand; I’m not sure.)
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing serious. Just chronic arthritis and respiratory issues.
11. What was the best thing you bought? I treated myself to having my dining room painted.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? All the wonderful aides who take care of my partner, certainly the three who go above and beyond my wildest dreams, including one who gave me several expensive Christmas presents.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Duh!! The orange monster who committed treason to get into the White House and his disgusting band of congressional sycophants.
14. Where did most of your money go? Voice lessons, dentist.
15. What did you get really, really excited about? Singing and writing.
16. What song will always remind you of 2018? “Tanti affetti” from La Donna del Lago. It has seven high B flats in it and I aced it in three recitals.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you
Happier or sadder? Happier. I have chosen to spend more time with good ordinary people and less time with professional musicians and successful Upper West Side professionals.
Thinner or fatter? About the same, but my body is changing so much (bigger waist – actually good for singing - smaller hips, skirts are too tight, low rise jeans are too big, and everything is too long; had to get rid of a lot of clothes).
Richer or poorer? Certainly poorer as of December when my 401ks took a hit.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Socializing.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Mindlessly surfing the net in ways that I know will make me feel bad.
20. How did you spend Christmas? With my partner, in her bed, watching a marathon of Granchester.
21. Did you fall in love in 2018? Not in the romantic sense. I realized that I really really love some of the aides who take care of my partner. I don’t love easily. (I don’t think I’ve ever had a platonic female friend that I loved for example, which I guess is odd.)
22. Did your heart break in 2018? My heart breaks a little every day for my partner as she nears the end of life. Whenever I remember the “never agains” (traveling with her, going to the theater or the ballet with her, going to a museum with her, sitting up and eating at a table in a restaurant with her). But this is all counterbalanced by my gratitude that she is alive.
23. What was your favorite TV program? As always, Masterpiece Mystery and Masterpiece Classic.
24. Where were you when 2018 began? In bed with my partner, probably asleep.
25. Where were you when 2018 ended? See above; except that I woke up at 10:30 after a one hour nap and did get to watch the ball drop at Times Square, courtesy of Channel One.
26. Who will you be with when 2019 ends? I hope with my partner. I hope she is still alive.
27. What was the best book you read? I read so much I can’t choose, but The Paying Guests by Sarah Waters comes to mind.
28. What was your greatest musical discovery? Art songs and spirituals by Florence Price. Also her symphonic music.
29. What did you want and get? Another year with my partner.
30. What did you want and not get? Someone I would feel ok about listing as an “emergency contact” on a form (other than a doctor, a lawyer, or a therapist). A real birthday celebration planned by someone else. (These things are definitely related.)
31. What was your favorite film of the year? Maybe the cartoon film “Coco”? I watch a lot of films on Movies on Demand and lose track of which ones are from what year.
32. How many different states did you travel to in 2018? None. I haven’t been out of NY City since 2014 and prior to that I had not been out of NY City since 2009. My next trip will be to Ogunquit to scatter my partner’s ashes, so I can’t really say I am looking forward to my next trip. I hope maybe to take a day trip next year to Philly to see the art museums with some friends. We had talked about it this year but it didn’t materialize.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018? Casual most of the time, but I always wear something dressier to go to church even though I’ll usually have a choir robe on. I get dressed up to sing. I have given away almost everything that is snug around the waist. However if I am going anywhere I always wear stagey makeup and have my hair set.
34. What kept you sane? The fact that my partner is on Medicaid and they provide 24 hour care.
35. What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? My mind never goes in that direction. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? Well, this is about my head, not my heart. I think we have to clean up elections in all the states that are practicing voter obstruction first, then work to elect candidates who will enact a progressive agenda.
37. How many concerts did you see in 2018? Maybe 4 or 5? Chamber music at the church, a concert at Juilliard given by my choir director’s piano students (he teaches there), Jupiter symphony. (All free or $10).
38. Who was the best new person you met? A little boy in my after school program who makes me laugh.
39. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Probably losing my temper at someone. I do do this less, thankfully.
40. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2018? See item 9.
41. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018? The lesson I learned in 2017 was reinforced: that I probably can never “do well” so I have to be content with “doing good”. Also, that there are all kinds of joyful, esteemable, worthy ways to make a life that don’t involve being a high-level professional (in music, theater, or anything else) and that I need to meet more people who are living that way and spend less time with the uber-class (who continue metastasizing all over my zip code, in particular), who just end up making me hate myself.
42. What are your plans for 2019? To keep singing, focusing on my niche of bringing joy to the elderly, to continue with my memoir and other writing, to work hard to appreciate the things I have and to love and cherish my partner as long as God grants that I can have her. Also to keep trying to meet people and make new friendships.
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Ending the Year with a Whimper, Unfortunately
Only a few weeks after my disastrous lesson (I did have a decent lesson in between) I had a mishap with a church solo that took me into territory I had not been in since 2014: panicking and/or not having the right "spin" on my voice to sail up to a high note. Now, granted, this is not a note that I have ever sung in a church solo (more on that later) but it is certainly a note (A natural) that I have been singing well in arias and songs for the past four plus years.
So what went wrong?
I would tend to suspect winter asthma, but then the question is: what do I do?
First, this is not a note I would have chosen to sing. I was looking for an arrangement of the carol "I Wonder as I Wander" and found one that I thought was in the right key (with the top note being an F sharp; in the arranagement in the hymnal, the top note is a D) but after I paid for the arrangement and printed it out, I saw that the third verse went up into a completely different key where the high note was an A! The only reason I agreed to sing this in public is that when I sang it at home it sounded really good, sounded good at my lesson, and sounded good at my runthrough with the church accompanist on Thursday.
Then I had a huge asthma attack. I don't have these very often, although I have endless respiratory problems, including massive sinus drainage. On the rare occasions that I get a cold, interestingly, it's the bottom of my voice that gets knocked out and I can sort of "float" the high notes around it, although my voice sounds smaller.
The type of asthma that I have is called "cough variant asthma". I don't wheeze and gasp for breath, but my chest feels tight and when I exhale I have a dry cough and a feeling that there is sticky dry mucus in my bronchial tubes. If it's really bad I use an inhaler, which I did yesterday.
This morning I felt fine, and warmed up to a high B that was easy and shimmery. And I could hold it. Then I went out into the cold. When I got to the church I felt short of breath and my singing was very labored. I nailed the high note in the runthrough but it felt labored. Then I thought that if I exhaled a lot (often that helps my singing) I would be ok in the actual service, but I barely made it up to that note, held it about a half a count, and it sounded like a cat yowling when you step on its tail. So ok, the rest of the piece sounded good, particularly the last verse, and I got a lot of compliments, but I haven't been in this place vocally or mentally in a very long time.
Is it a health issue, period? I know I felt very tired singing through all the carols for the rest of the service (it was our annual "Lessons and Carols"). My voice didn't feel tired, but my chest felt very heavy. And I just felt such fatigue. Which followed me home and it's only now, about five hours later, that I feel normal.
I sang on this date last year when it was about four degrees out and didn't have this problem.
I just hope I can blow it off and start over.
Someone made a video and I told him to cut it off after the second verse (I listened to it and the high note sounded as bad as I had thought) but he said he would also give me a version that had the whole thing, which I really need so I can send it to my teacher. I know he has had all sorts of health problems of this nature and has sung some really God-awful high notes. But then he has the choice of switching to bass baritone. I'm already a mezzo. I'm not going to switch to contralto! I don't have a very low voice anyhow. The best part of my voice is from the middle of the staff up to an F or F sharp at the top.
Next time I see my primary care physician (I have my annual physical in January) I will ask her what to do; if she has any suggestions.
So what went wrong?
I would tend to suspect winter asthma, but then the question is: what do I do?
First, this is not a note I would have chosen to sing. I was looking for an arrangement of the carol "I Wonder as I Wander" and found one that I thought was in the right key (with the top note being an F sharp; in the arranagement in the hymnal, the top note is a D) but after I paid for the arrangement and printed it out, I saw that the third verse went up into a completely different key where the high note was an A! The only reason I agreed to sing this in public is that when I sang it at home it sounded really good, sounded good at my lesson, and sounded good at my runthrough with the church accompanist on Thursday.
Then I had a huge asthma attack. I don't have these very often, although I have endless respiratory problems, including massive sinus drainage. On the rare occasions that I get a cold, interestingly, it's the bottom of my voice that gets knocked out and I can sort of "float" the high notes around it, although my voice sounds smaller.
The type of asthma that I have is called "cough variant asthma". I don't wheeze and gasp for breath, but my chest feels tight and when I exhale I have a dry cough and a feeling that there is sticky dry mucus in my bronchial tubes. If it's really bad I use an inhaler, which I did yesterday.
This morning I felt fine, and warmed up to a high B that was easy and shimmery. And I could hold it. Then I went out into the cold. When I got to the church I felt short of breath and my singing was very labored. I nailed the high note in the runthrough but it felt labored. Then I thought that if I exhaled a lot (often that helps my singing) I would be ok in the actual service, but I barely made it up to that note, held it about a half a count, and it sounded like a cat yowling when you step on its tail. So ok, the rest of the piece sounded good, particularly the last verse, and I got a lot of compliments, but I haven't been in this place vocally or mentally in a very long time.
Is it a health issue, period? I know I felt very tired singing through all the carols for the rest of the service (it was our annual "Lessons and Carols"). My voice didn't feel tired, but my chest felt very heavy. And I just felt such fatigue. Which followed me home and it's only now, about five hours later, that I feel normal.
I sang on this date last year when it was about four degrees out and didn't have this problem.
I just hope I can blow it off and start over.
Someone made a video and I told him to cut it off after the second verse (I listened to it and the high note sounded as bad as I had thought) but he said he would also give me a version that had the whole thing, which I really need so I can send it to my teacher. I know he has had all sorts of health problems of this nature and has sung some really God-awful high notes. But then he has the choice of switching to bass baritone. I'm already a mezzo. I'm not going to switch to contralto! I don't have a very low voice anyhow. The best part of my voice is from the middle of the staff up to an F or F sharp at the top.
Next time I see my primary care physician (I have my annual physical in January) I will ask her what to do; if she has any suggestions.
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
The Bitter and the Sweet 2018 Wrap Up
I need to find a more imaginative title; this one is getting stale - maybe.
Of course I need to start with the Sweet; to quote Stephanie Ruhle "Who doesn't like good news, right?"
My life is sweet. I am enjoying Christmas. I bought both my partner and myself a small Christmas tree.
I have learned to enjoy Christmas. If I consider myself a Unitarian theologically, I can celebrate any holiday I like. Also, my therapist told me something interesting. She said that probably the reason my mother always had a Christmas tree (and loved Christmas) despite considering herself a secular Jew was that in Germany before the Holocaust, most Jews (who were not Orthodox) celebrated Christmas. It was considered a German holiday, much as Thanksgiving is considered an American one. My maternal grandfather came from Austria-Hungary. My maternal grandmother's family had been in Philadelphia for generations and most likely originally came from Germany in 1848.
I have a solo. On Christmas Eve I will get to sing lovely music with the choir. I am surrounded by beauty.
My voice seems to be back on track. "O Mio Fernando" is back in my voice. Right now I'm not sure where I'd sing it; maybe I can swap it with "Mon Coeur" in one of my nursing home concerts. If I do the 30 minute demo concert that I had discussed with the recreation director at a new residence, I would use "The Drinking Song" as my aria because it's bouncy and "party-ish".
As for future church plans, I was speaking with the new dramatic soprano in the choir. and we may do a duet together next year. (For whatever reason, I don't feel envious about her the way I did about "Little Miss"; probably because she's older, much more modest, and does not want to use church as an arena for showing off. She helps with the choir or sings a solo when asked, period.) Anyhow she mentioned to me that she had made a recording of "Inflammatus" from the Rossini Stabat Mater and so I told her that I had sung "Fac ut Portem" at church several years ago. I mentioned that there is a duet in Stabat Mater and that maybe we could sing it during Holy Week 2019. I will take a look at it and when the time is appropriate, see if the Music Director could find a spot for it. She seemed to be interested.
As for the Bitter.
Last night our chamber music series featured a one act opera that starred a mezzo whom I had been in one of those meetups with long ago. (I didn't go to it; I said I would be tired after teaching all afternoon, but I suppose in addition I didn't think seeing this particular woman would be all that great for my resolve to love my life and mind my own business.) In retrospect, I can say that what I learned from those meetups was that they were for people like her not for people like me. At the time she was very young and just doing audition rounds. I was struggling with my large unwieldy voice and my nerves. She was probably in her 20s. I was about 58. Now, 10 years later (I looked at her resume) she has not only received acclaim for her world premieres, she seems to have an extensive resume of roles from Rossini to Wagner, both soprano and mezzo, and to top it all off she is no bigger than a size 8!! (I know this not just by looking at her picture but because the stage manager was trying to find the right kind of skirt for her to wear in the performance.) Digging deeper (boy am I a glutton for punishment!) I read that she grew up with musician parents and spent every summer at a prestigious music festival, beginning with the age of four (sounds like the children of my choir director and his wife). So this is my "competition". Not for roles - I don't have that much hubris!! - but for attention, for getting to perform in free spaces, for audiences. And people like her are everywhere. And with each year that my singing technique improves, these people multiply and, say, go from A to M in the time it has taken me to get from A to D and I am between 30 and 40 years older than they are and time is running out!! So again, it's really an issue of struggling to make myself believe that I matter.
Of course I need to start with the Sweet; to quote Stephanie Ruhle "Who doesn't like good news, right?"
My life is sweet. I am enjoying Christmas. I bought both my partner and myself a small Christmas tree.
I have learned to enjoy Christmas. If I consider myself a Unitarian theologically, I can celebrate any holiday I like. Also, my therapist told me something interesting. She said that probably the reason my mother always had a Christmas tree (and loved Christmas) despite considering herself a secular Jew was that in Germany before the Holocaust, most Jews (who were not Orthodox) celebrated Christmas. It was considered a German holiday, much as Thanksgiving is considered an American one. My maternal grandfather came from Austria-Hungary. My maternal grandmother's family had been in Philadelphia for generations and most likely originally came from Germany in 1848.
I have a solo. On Christmas Eve I will get to sing lovely music with the choir. I am surrounded by beauty.
My voice seems to be back on track. "O Mio Fernando" is back in my voice. Right now I'm not sure where I'd sing it; maybe I can swap it with "Mon Coeur" in one of my nursing home concerts. If I do the 30 minute demo concert that I had discussed with the recreation director at a new residence, I would use "The Drinking Song" as my aria because it's bouncy and "party-ish".
As for future church plans, I was speaking with the new dramatic soprano in the choir. and we may do a duet together next year. (For whatever reason, I don't feel envious about her the way I did about "Little Miss"; probably because she's older, much more modest, and does not want to use church as an arena for showing off. She helps with the choir or sings a solo when asked, period.) Anyhow she mentioned to me that she had made a recording of "Inflammatus" from the Rossini Stabat Mater and so I told her that I had sung "Fac ut Portem" at church several years ago. I mentioned that there is a duet in Stabat Mater and that maybe we could sing it during Holy Week 2019. I will take a look at it and when the time is appropriate, see if the Music Director could find a spot for it. She seemed to be interested.
As for the Bitter.
Last night our chamber music series featured a one act opera that starred a mezzo whom I had been in one of those meetups with long ago. (I didn't go to it; I said I would be tired after teaching all afternoon, but I suppose in addition I didn't think seeing this particular woman would be all that great for my resolve to love my life and mind my own business.) In retrospect, I can say that what I learned from those meetups was that they were for people like her not for people like me. At the time she was very young and just doing audition rounds. I was struggling with my large unwieldy voice and my nerves. She was probably in her 20s. I was about 58. Now, 10 years later (I looked at her resume) she has not only received acclaim for her world premieres, she seems to have an extensive resume of roles from Rossini to Wagner, both soprano and mezzo, and to top it all off she is no bigger than a size 8!! (I know this not just by looking at her picture but because the stage manager was trying to find the right kind of skirt for her to wear in the performance.) Digging deeper (boy am I a glutton for punishment!) I read that she grew up with musician parents and spent every summer at a prestigious music festival, beginning with the age of four (sounds like the children of my choir director and his wife). So this is my "competition". Not for roles - I don't have that much hubris!! - but for attention, for getting to perform in free spaces, for audiences. And people like her are everywhere. And with each year that my singing technique improves, these people multiply and, say, go from A to M in the time it has taken me to get from A to D and I am between 30 and 40 years older than they are and time is running out!! So again, it's really an issue of struggling to make myself believe that I matter.
Thursday, December 13, 2018
A Bummer
Yesterday's lesson did not end well, which is something that has not happened for a long time.
The short version is: after doing my regular exercises and singing through my solo for December 30 (a solo version of the carol "I Wonder as I Wander", which I transposed up so that the top note is an F sharp), I tried to read through "Non piu di Fiori" from La Clemenza di Tito. I did a great job until I got to the last page at which point I ran out of steam and realized that no way could I get up to that high A and hold it for 5 counts. Yes, I can now hold a high A for 5 counts (did it in the opening to the Bolena duet that I sang with my teacher in several concerts) but this A comes after two pages of singing without a break. And no ad libbing.
As I've said, my high register has gotten a lot better, and I've sung a lot of flashy and challenging things, but I realize that these are mostly bel canto arias where the singer can take lots of liberties leading up to difficult passages (or the passages themselves are improvised cadenzas), including dropping out of the vocal line for 2-4 measures before the final climax (which is an old tradition).
Anyhow, my teacher was annoyed with me for "giving up" (I had no trouble singing the phrase with the high note if I just sang the note and the few measures leading up to it) but then we agreed that if I was not "madly in love" with the piece it was not worth putting in all that hard work. (As a contrast, I was madly in love with "Tanti Affetti" and was able to master all the florid passages with the high B flats, but as I said, most of those were a piacere).
And whether or not I was madly in love with "Non piu di Fiori", I don't think it would have "mass appeal" for the only non-church audiences I now sing for: in nursing homes. "Tanti Affetti" did have mass appeal, because like all Rossini, it's bouncy.
So my teacher and I decided that I should go back to "O Mio Fernando", something I have not sung in years, but that I always sang well. And maybe I'll go back to working on "Bel Raggio", the (putative) soprano aria from Semiramide (I say "putative" because it only goes up to an A and I found it in one of my mezzo aria books.)
The irony at my lesson, come to think of it, was that I had wanted to sing through "Bel Raggio" but my teacher didn't have a copy of it.
I think another problem is that I have been hit hard with my winter respiratory problems. My bronchial tubes are full of dry mucus. I cough, I wheeze, I blow my nose constantly. And this despite using my Neti pot every morning (I won't be scared away by stories of fatal amoebas; I boil the water first.) So at my lesson, even in the beginning, singing was hard work.
And to end it all, it doesn't help that I am seeing posts on Facebook that often involve conversations among some of the people I had unfriended because I was envious of them (or maybe they unfriended me because I said things that were nasty; see previous post) so I am deeply engaged with the green-eyed monster again.
Recently I have disengaged from him/it by staying away from "real" singers, other than my teacher, and what I can watch on Youtube. I don't need to hear women in their 30s talk about repetoire and all the auditions they are going to and (among the worst of the worst) how much they despise amateurs and pretenders. I am much happier when I confine my performing arts consumption to instrumental music and ballet, with the occasional stop to hear lieder.
So, OK. now it's time to pull up my socks and look forward to spending January networking to schedule a concert.
The short version is: after doing my regular exercises and singing through my solo for December 30 (a solo version of the carol "I Wonder as I Wander", which I transposed up so that the top note is an F sharp), I tried to read through "Non piu di Fiori" from La Clemenza di Tito. I did a great job until I got to the last page at which point I ran out of steam and realized that no way could I get up to that high A and hold it for 5 counts. Yes, I can now hold a high A for 5 counts (did it in the opening to the Bolena duet that I sang with my teacher in several concerts) but this A comes after two pages of singing without a break. And no ad libbing.
As I've said, my high register has gotten a lot better, and I've sung a lot of flashy and challenging things, but I realize that these are mostly bel canto arias where the singer can take lots of liberties leading up to difficult passages (or the passages themselves are improvised cadenzas), including dropping out of the vocal line for 2-4 measures before the final climax (which is an old tradition).
Anyhow, my teacher was annoyed with me for "giving up" (I had no trouble singing the phrase with the high note if I just sang the note and the few measures leading up to it) but then we agreed that if I was not "madly in love" with the piece it was not worth putting in all that hard work. (As a contrast, I was madly in love with "Tanti Affetti" and was able to master all the florid passages with the high B flats, but as I said, most of those were a piacere).
And whether or not I was madly in love with "Non piu di Fiori", I don't think it would have "mass appeal" for the only non-church audiences I now sing for: in nursing homes. "Tanti Affetti" did have mass appeal, because like all Rossini, it's bouncy.
So my teacher and I decided that I should go back to "O Mio Fernando", something I have not sung in years, but that I always sang well. And maybe I'll go back to working on "Bel Raggio", the (putative) soprano aria from Semiramide (I say "putative" because it only goes up to an A and I found it in one of my mezzo aria books.)
The irony at my lesson, come to think of it, was that I had wanted to sing through "Bel Raggio" but my teacher didn't have a copy of it.
I think another problem is that I have been hit hard with my winter respiratory problems. My bronchial tubes are full of dry mucus. I cough, I wheeze, I blow my nose constantly. And this despite using my Neti pot every morning (I won't be scared away by stories of fatal amoebas; I boil the water first.) So at my lesson, even in the beginning, singing was hard work.
And to end it all, it doesn't help that I am seeing posts on Facebook that often involve conversations among some of the people I had unfriended because I was envious of them (or maybe they unfriended me because I said things that were nasty; see previous post) so I am deeply engaged with the green-eyed monster again.
Recently I have disengaged from him/it by staying away from "real" singers, other than my teacher, and what I can watch on Youtube. I don't need to hear women in their 30s talk about repetoire and all the auditions they are going to and (among the worst of the worst) how much they despise amateurs and pretenders. I am much happier when I confine my performing arts consumption to instrumental music and ballet, with the occasional stop to hear lieder.
So, OK. now it's time to pull up my socks and look forward to spending January networking to schedule a concert.
Friday, November 9, 2018
Note to Self: Pull Yourself Together
I never got a chance to post anything about my second concert, which went really well (I think I sang better than the first time) because the next day my partner appeared listless and complained of a bellyache so I had to rush her to the ER. It turned out she had what could have been a life-threatening bowel blockage. Then just when it seemed as if she was going to go home, she developed C. difficile.
All together, she was in the hospital for 9 days. My number one priority was being with her so I didn't get much work done. I did get a little practicing done but really wasn't focusing on singing.
Since she's been back, for whatever reason, I have missed my 5-6 practice time. There is actually no reason why that should be my practice time, other than that because I am used to working in an office, if I am home any part of 9 to 5, I use those hours to do the editing that I do for a living. Tuesday I missed my practice time to watch the election!!
Amazingly, my voice is still there (Wednesday I had a lesson), but I really need to get back in the saddle. Yesterday (Thursday) I missed choir rehearsal and spent the whole day in such a nonstop state of stress that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. First I went around the block five or six times with my case manager and an attorney to find out if my partner's Medicaid had been renewed, then I spent an hour trying to find out where our ambulance was (to take her to a follow-up appointment) only to be put on hold for a total of 30 minutes. Skipping choir practice was planned as I didn't know what time I would be back to the Upper West Side after bringing my partner home from the appointment (I got home at 7:30, which is when rehearsal starts, and as it takes 20 minutes for me to get there and at least 15 for me to warm up, not to mention that I was sweaty and needed to organize some things at home so I would not have made it there even if I were in any shape to sing which I probably was not).
It seems lately I have been practicing every three days (and some of these times are just warming up for choir, but I guess that's enough if I warm up at least to a B flat).
Part of the problem, of course, is that I have no date on my calendar. I don't schedule concerts between Thanksgiving and Easter partly because of all the singing that's going on at the church, but mostly because I don't want to plan anything major during the season when it might snow. The number one way in which age has affected my physical well-being is that I feel unsafe in the snow, even with a cane. Other than church and choir practice, any other commitment is up for rescheduling during those months. So right now I've got my eye on December 30. I have sung on that Sunday (last year it was the 31st and the year before it was January 1) for the past two years, but I won't know anything until I get the Advent/Christmas choir schedule and touch base with the Music Director about scheduling. If someone else wants that date they should have it because I've had two "turns", on the other hand, half of the choir goes "home" for Christmas so there might not be any other takers, other than a man who likes to sing at the early service (he sang at 9 last year when I sang at 11). I pulled out the Lauridsen "O Magnum Mysterium", which I sang three years ago some time in December, and have found a new song by Wolf, called "Schlafendes Jesuskind" that might be appropriate. It would have been a "no" four or five years ago because it has an A flat in it (the previous Music Director didn't like "heavy voices singing in that range") but now it should be fine, with my new level of confidence and my slighly higher "sweet spot". I will listen to a Youtube of it and see what I think. And of course there's always "Rejoice", which is my favorite thing to sing in the whole world. You know, it's one of those pieces that sounds difficult (and it also sounds high) to other people but it is actually not (high) and it has always been very easy for me to sing.
For another time, I found a song by Alma Mahler called "In meines Vaters Garten" which I really like. I brought it to my lesson on Wednesday and my teacher said he liked it. He said it reminded him of the Wesendonck Lieder (I guess I could also sing "Angel" in church but that's more suitable for Advent) and that because it's "tuneful" I could probably add it to a recital program.
So now I just need to get back to my practice routine. I should be able to practice Monday. Tuesday probably not because I may have to sleep over at my partner's if her podiatrist is coming Wednesday morning. If he's coming Wednesday afternoon (I won't know that until Tuesday) I can practice Tuesday as well. If I don't get to practice Tuesday I will pass on a neighborhood meeting I had penciled in for Wednesday evening and practice instead.
And I can't lose heart. Last night (when I was already exhaused and feeling emotionally drained), I "re-encountered" one of the people on Facebook I had unfriended (or maybe she unfriended me) because the envy I felt for her led me to say something that she didn't like (that singers were self-absorbed maybe? well, they are! particularly if they don't have children or some other responsibility that's more important to them than flaunting head shots and photos of themselves in gowns). Anyhow, that put my self-esteem back in the basement, somewhere it has not been for a while.
No matter how old and wise (?) I get, it never stops being painful to be surrounded by people who are doing in real life what I imagine myself doing, wished I were doing, can do a tiny bit of, and will never do a lot of no matter how hard I work (which isn't an excuse to stop working by the way).
We were having a conversation about neighbors and I was realizing that having a building full of people who go to the Met all the time (it's around the corner) including one who's a music critic with a wife who majored in voice at Manhattan School of Music who even though she doesn't sing any more has the snobbish attitude of 99% of the conservatory graduates I've ever met, nobody gives a damn if I sing because I'm so nothing.
I just can't think about that. I can't lose heart. A friend told me that someone told her that if I sing I'm a singer, and if more than 50% of what I sing is operatic, I'm an opera singer, and all the "snitterati" on the Forum can't take that away from me.
All together, she was in the hospital for 9 days. My number one priority was being with her so I didn't get much work done. I did get a little practicing done but really wasn't focusing on singing.
Since she's been back, for whatever reason, I have missed my 5-6 practice time. There is actually no reason why that should be my practice time, other than that because I am used to working in an office, if I am home any part of 9 to 5, I use those hours to do the editing that I do for a living. Tuesday I missed my practice time to watch the election!!
Amazingly, my voice is still there (Wednesday I had a lesson), but I really need to get back in the saddle. Yesterday (Thursday) I missed choir rehearsal and spent the whole day in such a nonstop state of stress that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. First I went around the block five or six times with my case manager and an attorney to find out if my partner's Medicaid had been renewed, then I spent an hour trying to find out where our ambulance was (to take her to a follow-up appointment) only to be put on hold for a total of 30 minutes. Skipping choir practice was planned as I didn't know what time I would be back to the Upper West Side after bringing my partner home from the appointment (I got home at 7:30, which is when rehearsal starts, and as it takes 20 minutes for me to get there and at least 15 for me to warm up, not to mention that I was sweaty and needed to organize some things at home so I would not have made it there even if I were in any shape to sing which I probably was not).
It seems lately I have been practicing every three days (and some of these times are just warming up for choir, but I guess that's enough if I warm up at least to a B flat).
Part of the problem, of course, is that I have no date on my calendar. I don't schedule concerts between Thanksgiving and Easter partly because of all the singing that's going on at the church, but mostly because I don't want to plan anything major during the season when it might snow. The number one way in which age has affected my physical well-being is that I feel unsafe in the snow, even with a cane. Other than church and choir practice, any other commitment is up for rescheduling during those months. So right now I've got my eye on December 30. I have sung on that Sunday (last year it was the 31st and the year before it was January 1) for the past two years, but I won't know anything until I get the Advent/Christmas choir schedule and touch base with the Music Director about scheduling. If someone else wants that date they should have it because I've had two "turns", on the other hand, half of the choir goes "home" for Christmas so there might not be any other takers, other than a man who likes to sing at the early service (he sang at 9 last year when I sang at 11). I pulled out the Lauridsen "O Magnum Mysterium", which I sang three years ago some time in December, and have found a new song by Wolf, called "Schlafendes Jesuskind" that might be appropriate. It would have been a "no" four or five years ago because it has an A flat in it (the previous Music Director didn't like "heavy voices singing in that range") but now it should be fine, with my new level of confidence and my slighly higher "sweet spot". I will listen to a Youtube of it and see what I think. And of course there's always "Rejoice", which is my favorite thing to sing in the whole world. You know, it's one of those pieces that sounds difficult (and it also sounds high) to other people but it is actually not (high) and it has always been very easy for me to sing.
For another time, I found a song by Alma Mahler called "In meines Vaters Garten" which I really like. I brought it to my lesson on Wednesday and my teacher said he liked it. He said it reminded him of the Wesendonck Lieder (I guess I could also sing "Angel" in church but that's more suitable for Advent) and that because it's "tuneful" I could probably add it to a recital program.
So now I just need to get back to my practice routine. I should be able to practice Monday. Tuesday probably not because I may have to sleep over at my partner's if her podiatrist is coming Wednesday morning. If he's coming Wednesday afternoon (I won't know that until Tuesday) I can practice Tuesday as well. If I don't get to practice Tuesday I will pass on a neighborhood meeting I had penciled in for Wednesday evening and practice instead.
And I can't lose heart. Last night (when I was already exhaused and feeling emotionally drained), I "re-encountered" one of the people on Facebook I had unfriended (or maybe she unfriended me) because the envy I felt for her led me to say something that she didn't like (that singers were self-absorbed maybe? well, they are! particularly if they don't have children or some other responsibility that's more important to them than flaunting head shots and photos of themselves in gowns). Anyhow, that put my self-esteem back in the basement, somewhere it has not been for a while.
No matter how old and wise (?) I get, it never stops being painful to be surrounded by people who are doing in real life what I imagine myself doing, wished I were doing, can do a tiny bit of, and will never do a lot of no matter how hard I work (which isn't an excuse to stop working by the way).
We were having a conversation about neighbors and I was realizing that having a building full of people who go to the Met all the time (it's around the corner) including one who's a music critic with a wife who majored in voice at Manhattan School of Music who even though she doesn't sing any more has the snobbish attitude of 99% of the conservatory graduates I've ever met, nobody gives a damn if I sing because I'm so nothing.
I just can't think about that. I can't lose heart. A friend told me that someone told her that if I sing I'm a singer, and if more than 50% of what I sing is operatic, I'm an opera singer, and all the "snitterati" on the Forum can't take that away from me.
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