CD

I was not thrilled with how I sounded on the CD. Some of what sounded bad, especially on the upper notes, was the result of distortion, but not all.

I will say that overall, let's say from middle C up to the G below high C, my voice sounds bigger, rounder, and more even. I sound like a real professional operatic mezzo. But the notes above that just sound like screaming. Singing up there sounded more pleasant, say, in 2008 when I sang Dalila, on the other hand the rest of my singing was not as good. My teacher said that. He said I mostly sort of crooned, and then saved my energy for a couple of top notes, which were still not easy for me. So there has definitely been progress. If I felt things were going in the wrong direction I would get another teacher. Things are going in the right direction - the problem is they are going in the right direction so slowly, and I'm not a 21 year old conservatory student or even a 31 year old with a big dramatic voice that hasn't gotten itself together yet, I'm bloody 61!!! So the fight to improve my technique, my stamina, and my confidence is racing against what the aging process is doing to my body.

And I have so little time, not just in the long term sense, but in the day to day sense. I have to earn a living, and so much of the rest of my time is taken up with eldercare. I don't have a circle of musical/performing friends with whom I can share these activities as part of my discretionary time - I am taking care of someone elderly, which entails not just doing chores for her on the weekend but also meeting with social workers, sending emails back and forth, etc.

So aside from an 30-60 minutes a day of practice, my choir commitments and my voice lessons, anything else has to be squeezed into the nooks and crannies and it's not enough.

Two years ago I had more confidence. I went to auditions (the only one that yielded anything ended up with my spending $450 on "tickets" to sing three pages of music, which the director hated, so I walked out - I don't mean in a diva huff - I wrote to the director to say I wasn't coming back). Now I just don't see the point. I wouldn't have time to participate in an intensive rehearsal schedule even if I did get something and the likelihood of my getting anything is almost nil anyhow. I used to mostly go to auditions for the thrill of getting dressed up and singing in front of people but I just don't have the heart for it any more.


My therapist of all people suggested that I go to a "Meetup" for singers, so I went intermittently, but the people there are so much more polished and even if they aren't making money singing (and never will) they are
out there performing big roles even for a fee or no pay and they sing for agents and they all know each other and give each other encouragement. I feel like I am so far below everyone on the food chain that I don't matter, which makes it hard for me even to sing my best, and it becomes a downward spiral.

The woman who rented me the space to do the concert and who was so encouraging and complimentary is having soirees and hosting master classes, but I just don't have the heart to go to any of them. I feel I will have to argue with my partner about taking the time and spending the (minimal amount of) money, that I will feel like a worm because I don't sound as polished as most of the other people and don't have a future in which to become much moreso.

Well, I sang well at my lesson and overall feel I am singing better than I was several months ago.

So I will look forward to making my CD.