What is My Definition of "Success"?

As so often happens, Susan Eichhorn Young taps into an issue that is close to my heart at the moment. In this post, she asks people to think about how they define success.

In light of my recent feelings of disappointment, this was a useful exercise for me.

I think at the age and stage I am now, my definition of success would include (not all of these are possible, but they are something to aspire to):

1. To be able to sing the roles in my fach (Dalila, Carmen, Amneris, Azucena, Laura, Cilea's Principessa - I think Eboli is a lost cause so I'm not including her, and Charlotte is a maybe) in a professional sounding way, without getting tired or having notes/phrases that are touch and go.

2. To have this acknowledged by other people - teachers, coaches, peers - whether or not they want to "hire" me or "promote" me in any way.

3. To have a regular venue for performing these roles that costs me a minimal amount of money (singing them in concert is fine).

4. To have a real support system of people who check in with me, encourage me, and act as a counterbalance for all the negative input I get from my partner.

What makes me feel so frustrated is I think that some of this is achievable. I have the natural raw material (a big dramatic mezzo voice), a good teacher, I know most of these roles by heart already, and I have a big dramatic personality. I have built up my stamina enormously over the past five years and I am blessed to be extremely healthy. Other than the fact that my knee injury and surgery make me less than "nimble" onstage, and that my neck is ugly, there is really nothing else about me that looks or sounds "old".

If I didn't think I was sitting on this mountain of talent I wouldn't be so frustrated. For example I love going to the ballet but I am not a ballerina and never thought I was, despite having taken ballet classes off and on (until I had my accident). But singing is different.

So, for example, if I were in the kind of environment that allowed me to put on one of these concerts every couple of months, I would feel "you win a few, you lose a few, you learn". But I will be lucky if I get to do something like this in six months (I'm hoping to pull off this Verdi Requiem but if the pastor says I have to pay to "rent" the church it's not on).

It's also, of course, the competition. I live in the heart of Manhattan (the closest opera company to my front door is the Met) where the competition is staggering. Interestingly, even though classical music is less popular than it was 30 years ago, there seem to be more people wanting to sing opera than in the past. When I was singing with the "opera underground" as it seems to now be laughingly referred to, I didn't sing as well as I do now, but the competition was much less. My teacher says some of this competition (not so much in my fach - mostly slim, pretty, light voiced sopranos and mezzos) comes from people crossing over from musical theater. So they are pretty with good acting skills and strong middle registers (this did not used to be the case with the higher voices on the amateur circuit). True, these people aren't competing for my roles, but there are enough who are to push me down and out.

I think what bothered me the most about those meetups, etc. was feeling that I was not treated with respect. I was mostly ignored. I don't do well being ignored. Possibly that had to do with my being older than everyone. The people who needed polishing were younger. So what was anyone going to say to me? It might have been different if I had a friend or buddy to take with me to some of these things, but I don't.

So I guess I should end my list of "success" with "being taken seriously".