At today's therapy session I decided, that despite my dislike of young people's slang, what I really am looking for is more of a sense of "awesomeness". I can't think of a better word.
For example, someone with my level of/lack of technical vocal expertise might be thrilled to be singing in a prestigious chorus in a work like the Verdi Requiem in a prestigious venue. I most decidedly would not, unless I were getting paid as much as I make now working as a copyeditor. I definitely care more about visibility than I do about venue.
The more I think about it, the more I wish I had been born in a small town. I remember one of the biggest "ups" for me was when I went to Port Aransas, Texas to hold auditions for my play Duet, and demonstrated for the women auditioning how to sing "Mon Coeur S'Ouvre a ta Voix". People literally fell on the floor. They said they had never ever ever stood next to anyone with a voice that size with that type of sound. Hey! I could do with a little bit of that on a weekly basis!
But for someone who grew up here, what is there? I have a rent regulated apartment around the corner from Lincoln Center, and unless something goes awry, they will carry me out in a pine box. Not to mention that there is no small town I could move to where I wouldn't need a chauffeur, which is rather a sad commentary on the lack of public transportation options in most of this country.
My therapist suggested that maybe I might feel better if I found a place to sing outside of New York that was accessible enough that I could come and go in one day at minimal expense. I rolled my eyes. I would have to go very very very far afield to find someplace where my singing of "Mon Coeur" or anything else would be considered special or awesome.
Although that is not entirely true.
One of my intermittent sources of frustration with this high level avocational choir (which I only sing in because most of the time I feel that it "matters" if I am there or not) is that the only opportunities for awesomeness seem to fall to high sopranos or men (the latter because there are so few of them). What would be awesome a propos of my voice (that it is huge and basically drowns out all the other women even when I'm singing mezzo piano in middle voice) is only an annoyance to people not a crowning glory. And the odd bits of this and that that I can do better than anyone (for example hold a G above middle C for 24 counts without sneaking a breath) mostly pass by unnoticed.
But getting back to my moment of awesomeness, even on the Upper West side. Two years ago, after having white knuckled it through the 8th or the 9th solo bit by the woman I have referred to as the "Young Coloratura" in various choir pieces, I set myself the task of finding something to sing with no high notes, not even any "mezzo high notes" (Fs and Gs) that was totally awesome.
What I came up with was the alto cantata "Erfreute Zeit"
http://youtu.be/Dpj5N9lTnHM
and someone in the
So yes, it's still possible.
My therapist asked me what I do when I feel depressed, angry, and frustrated that other people (in my immediate surroundings, even virtual ones) are being/perceived as "awesome" and I am not. I thought for a minute and said "I work harder". I guess that's just another spin on my mother's "Don't mourn - organize!"
So it's back to "Liber Scriptus". Yesterday I had 6 out of 7 good runs with it (I kept re-singing the difficult passage because the first time I sang it the piece had gone a half tone flat for some inexplicable reason.) So today I will try again. "Lux Aeterna" shouldn't be a problem. I will breathe where I need to, sing that G as loud as I need to, hold if for 3 counts, and then decrescendo.
My therapist also said we needed to work on my awesomeness. What would give me that rush? (Being dressed up with a ton of stage makeup helps, and I love my new hairdo, which is basically the old one courtesy of lots of little rollers instead of a perm, which looks bigger, curlier, and flashier, and is probably better for my hair.)
And she said she will try to come to the concert. I hope that helps with nerves.
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