Exhibitionism

What I have just done is a first.  In essence deleted a post and replaced it with a new one not because I was ashamed of it but because it didn't really convey what I want to say.  

But if I hadn't written it, I wouldn't have had what might be the biggest insight I have had almost since this journey began eight years ago; certainly it's the biggest insight I've had in several years.

I am an exhibitionist.  This is mostly viewed as negative or pathological (think subway flashers, or, more benignly, people who inappropriately push other people out of the spotlight) but in its milder form, really, it's just a personality trait.

When I look back at times in my life when I've felt really fulfilled, they've been times when I have had something in my life to satisfy that exhibitionism.  This isn't all that I'm about - I also like to cuddle and be cozy and do nice things for people - but if the exhibitionist isn't getting any air time I am not a happy camper.

For years, I think, my exhibitionism was satisfied by being "out" as a Lesbian, back when no one was, certainly not a woman like me who wore pretty dresses.  It was all so exciting.  Back then the world of LGBT (and it wasn't even called that then) was an exciting, highly sexualized, subculture with an element of danger lurking in the background.  It was a very exciting place to be, and I had a great deal of fun (something I seem never to have much of now) shocking straight people by coming out and shocking Lesbians by showing up at their events all dressed up.

Of course singing is a form of exhibitionism, albeit one requiring a great deal of work.  But the payoff, for me, is feeling like a star in front of an audience.  Which is why I would rather star in a homemade event than be in the chorus of a prestigious one.  And why I am feeling depressed and disheartened by the choir these days.  It is now flooded with young conservatory graduates who are really out there doing it so I am basically just a mature woman with a nice enough voice to sing a few solos (which are always things I have to pick and then ask the choir director to find a spot for).  None of the solos interspersed into choral pieces are for my type voice, so it seems, and these are the only ones that get assigned to people.  And as I've said, really my biggest "high" would come, I think, from being a soloist with a group of non-soloists.  (It's really too bad I don't like pop music - then I could make myself a little group with myself at the front.  There are always people who enjoy performing but don't want the spotlight because it makes them nervous.)

So, it seems that there is nothing I can do, in the city where I live, in the circles in which I move (you can't go anywhere  that isn't crawling with people doing something in the performing arts, which makes the idea that I define myself as a "performer" sort of pathetic), that would impress, surprise, or elicit oohs and ahs or bravas from, anyone.  

I suppose in a sense my search for "awesomeness", which I wrote about here, is really about the same thing, it just hadn't crystallized in my mind yet.

At least it's good to know what's wrong.  And that may be why I view my life as "depressing".  If I were the type of deeply religious person, for example, who wanted to be saintly, I would be in my element, taking care of someone frail and vulnerable, and sitting quietly at my little laptop, but I'm not. Nor am I a team player.  I can behave like one if I get some star time as payoff, but that is not who I am in my soul.

So I will have one star moment: singing "Liber Scriptus".  So I had better be ready.  One thing I felt a little better about is that I heard from several singing colleagues that all mezzos are nervous about that A flat, not just me.  But I can't blow it.

And then there will be "Qui Sedes".  If there's too much young talent in the choir now I plan to focus on the Spanish service.  They don't have any musicians, and...they applaud!!

Which still doesn't solve the problem of where to go and what to do to find more of that exhibitionistic rush.