New Year's Resolutions, Six Months On

Well, it is now almost that time of year again.

I don't make it a rule that I must make New Year's resolutions, but as I felt a great need for some house cleaning earlier in the year (which I have continued with), I want to strengthen my resolve.

Maybe it's because I have gone back to AA meetings, but I spent part of this year taking a look at some of my behavior to see what exactly it was that was making me so unhappy, and I saw that a lot of it had to do with a kind of voyeurism that I was engaging in a propos of other people who had the lives I wish I had.  It was very hard to feel gratitude and self-acceptance if every single day I was reading blogs and status updates from working singers, actors, and so forth.  Particularly ones who were articulate culture watchers.  No matter what they were writing about, it stung, whether they were writing about me or not (most likely not).

Since my involvement with blogging (which followed closely on the heels of my involvement with singing), I have had two major showdowns with groups of people I envied, (and some minor ones along the way), which should have told me something.  I simply don't need to be looking in these people's bedrooms or reading their polemics.  I notice that I already have felt better about myself since I stopped doing this.

These people's lives are extremely unusual.  So if I don't work outside the house, and don't have relatives, and spend the morning reading journals and blogs from seven working singers, one director, and three voice teachers, I am going to lose sight of that fact, and feel quite small.  On the other hand if I find places to socialize that are full of secretaries, nurses, even bankers (I have never envied money per se), I have a much more realistic attitude about where I fit in the scheme of things.  Even the fact that I practice an art form at all, and in fact practice it well enough that I have a handful of performance venues where I can do solo singing, even for no money, puts me ahead of the game.  It means I am "artier" and more creative than your average 63 year old woman with a bachelor's degree, whose only contact with the arts may be as a spectator.

So my first resolution is to reaffirm that I am not going to read any more personal blogs or opinion pieces (or peruse online fora) frequented by these people.  I still read some blogs by voice teachers, but these are about vocal technique, health, and repertoire, not about how Miss Kansas is ruining things for "real" opera singers or how amateurs must  never never forget that we are not the real deal.

My second resolution is to continue all the work that I did with The Artists Way. This taught me to incorporate beauty and sensuality into every nook and cranny of my life. It did not tell me I had to do something creative for a living or else I was a failure. That if you do not "love what you do" you are worthless. And in fact, I need to reaffirm that

Yes, I do love what I do, I just don't love what I do for a living, and ny third resolution  is that I need to stop hating myself because I can't find something else to do for a living.  I have to accept that what I do does not feed my soul in any way, so I  need to feed myself otherwise, while at the same time being grateful that I have some livelihood, considering that many people don't these days.  Leaving aside the obvious, singing, I can cook, and decorate, organize my photographs, write, look around me when I am out.  I already avoid left brain hobbies like the plague.  I can't remember the last time I even looked at a crossword puzzle, for example.

It's interesting.  Since I have stopped "competing" with working singers and hating myself, some things have fallen into my lap.  I am going to sing (the "Habanera" and something else) at a cabaret musicale.  This is on a Sunday afternoon which is just fine and dandy.  If I skip a Sunday choir sing maybe someone will miss me and I will stop feeling taken for granted.  I will be singing Nins' "Cant deis Aucells" on Epiphany for the Spanish service.  And I am continuing to work on the scenes from Carmen for my spring concert.  There is all sorts of singing I can do where I can use artistry and garner applause that doesn't involve the (in fact rather limited) world of auditions for these no pay opera groups and others, who obviously don't want me.

Although I don't really see myself as a musical theater singer, I have found a musical theater piece that I adore: "Moonfall" from The Mystery of Edwin Drood.  It is dripping with seduction, a lot like "Mon Coeur" and is in an ideal range for my type voice.  If I sing it, I won't sing it as Rosa Bud in the show, I will sing it as if I meant the words, which are quite delicious.

Another sign of personal growth.  I couldn't in a million years see myself wanting to sing "Green Finch and Linnet Bird" now.  However mired I am in eldercare, sometimes lovingly, sometimes not, I know I am not a caged bird.  I can fly and sing!

This is What It's All About, After All

I haven't written much lately, because nothing much is happening, other than my preparing Carmen.  I feel a bit guilty that I cancelled attending this evening's get-together with the coach who is helping me with this, but as it is not a rehearsal for a particular event, there is snow and ice on the ground, the rehearsal is after dark, and the wind chill is in the teens, which means any slush will turn to ice, I felt it was more important to stay safe.  I am basically healthy and fit for someone my age, but I would describe myself as "orthopedically unstable" in that I have already had one fracture requiring surgery, one of my legs is shorter than the other, which means I don't have good balance, so I am a fall risk, and at my age with my history a fall could lead to another fracture which could mean another hospitalization or at least a lot of lost time from work if I couldn't type.  I already walk with a cane when there's snow on the ground, and I try to avoid going out after dark if there's snow on the ground.

About a week ago, my partner said how much she missed caroling.  Really, the only times she can leave the house (escorted or unescorted) is probably between 11 and 3, certainly at this time of the year.  It's hard for her to get herself together in the morning, and she never is out after dark.  So that rules out church services.  They are either in the morning or the evening.  So she said someone had suggested that she ask me to come with a hymnal and sing carols with her.  She was very hesitant about asking; she asked would I "mind"?  That almost broke my heart.  Of course I wouldn't mind!!  So Saturday we did a little caroling.  She has COPD and has almost no voice at all, but she poured herself into it and it made her happy.  Isn't that what it's all about?

Some friends of mine posted pictures of themselves on Facebook showing them caroling in groups (this was part of a photo exercise the church gave us: one word Advent devotionals where we posted a picture every day in response to a word prompt, and one of the words was "caroling".)  The only picture I had was the Youtube video of me singing theWagner "Angel" so I reposted that.  I suppose it wasn't very jolly.  It had gotten a lot of "likes" (on Facebook - the Youtube like dislike feature had been disabled) originally but only got one this time.

This made me a bit wistful, and I thought of how much joy people have going caroling (I suppose some of our choir singing over this season would qualify there) and that there is a lot of joy to be had in life, and that I wished I were more open to it and less enamored of the spotlight, but I guess I am who I am.  I seem to be feeling less bitter and envious.  Although I think there are certain things that set me off, and they are not always what I think they will be.  For example I don't care if someone else sings really well and gets recognition for that.  There should be enough room in the universe (even the little universe of the church with its choir and soloists) for many talented people.  I get put out if I feel the same people keep getting opportunities and there is no attempt made to make things equitable, or if there is a sense that there is some kind of exclusive club to which I don't belong.  For example someone has turned up to sing "Rejoice Greatly" in one of the services and also sing with the sopranos (she sang with the sopranos on Good Friday).  She is a member of the congregation and apparently used to do professional "church gigs" and sing with regional opera companies.  But she is not snobby and cliquish (I would guess she is in her mid thirties) the way the man from the conservatory who is my age (the one with the rude wife) is.  I have felt put out because every time some new young person from the conservatory turns up he gloms onto them and wants to know all about them, but has rarely even given me the time of day.

This past Sunday the pastor was preaching about Advent and said it is a time of waiting and expecting, and that for many people, expectations we have had are not met (I can say that again!) but that during this time of waiting perhaps we should let go of expectations and that maybe something will appear that will surprise us.

So maybe this journey that began with my singing "Mon Coeur" and getting hot under the collar over The Mentor will end not with my being a singing star, even a small one, but with my finding a family and meaningful life in this church, even though I am not a Baptised Christian.

But I'm not quite finished with Carmen.

More on Carmen

Plans for Carmen continue.  The other tenor from the Met chorus has agreed to sing Don Jose, barring a paying performance on the same day, which he will know about far enough in advance.  In any event, his commitment now means that I can set the date.  I emailed my "sponsor" and she will get back to me regarding whether or not the room is available.  I am very flattered that he sounds happy to sing with me and he also said he can find me a Micaela and an Escamillo.  So we will be fleshing things out quite a bit.  I said we don't need the comprimari singers because I was not planning to do the big ensembles.

Last night I went to a group coaching session with "sponsor".  The other singers were not classical singers; she may have invited them because she is planning a cabaret/musicale in her apartment in January.  She said I can sing the Habanera there.  That will be fun.  I also met someone who does dramatic readings, so I might ask her to read the scenes from the book.

This afternoon I stumbled upon a Youtube video of Peter Brook's Tragedie de Carmen. If I were younger and more nimble I would love to do that.  I only got to listen to the beginning sections, but there are some interesting changes.  As they only use the four principals, the fight scene is between Carmen and Micaela. Also Carmen is smoking.  She does in some productions.  That is what always tempts me.  Not drinking.

Anyhow, here is a snippet

http://youtu.be/PhINJ5RTG5k

Tonight I am going early to choir practice to run through "Nun Wandre Maria".

Some Nice Things (Musical and Otherwise)

I am going to be singing "Nun Wandre Maria" in the 9 am and the 11 am services on December 8, and "Cant deis Aucells" either on January 5 or the 12th.

The Spanish song coach is having three get up and sing get-togethers in December.  I emailed her back and said I was available for two of them.  The problem is if there are not enough people she will cancel, so it remains to be seen whether they will actually take place.  If they do, I will sing both of the church pieces at the first one, and "Cant deis Aucells" and possibly the "Chanson Boheme" from Carmen at the second.  There is no point in singing the Sequidilla.  If I need help getting more secure with the B it is better to confine singing it to my lessons with my teacher (and my practice time at home).

The tenor from my Requiem wrote me a nice note saying he was not available to sing in the Carmen concert but that he might try to come.  He is very nice, in addition to being a magnificent singer.  So I wrote to the other tenor from the Met chorus, the one who was initially scheduled to be in the Requiem.  If I don't hear back from him by Monday I will write again.

The Youtube Habanera now has 8 likes and 4 dislikes.  Someone took down one of the dislikes (although did not change it to a like).  The person who took it down must have been the initial "disliker" because I assume you can't change a vote on Youtube unless it's your own.  My friend figured out how to use the like and dislike buttons and she told me she loved it.

As for nonmusical nice things, Thanksgiving is my and my partner's 37th anniversary, give or take some time apart.  We are going to eat out tomorrow although I also made a dish of sweet potatoes and apples that we have every year.  She made it for me (and the other guests) that first Thanksgiving and taught me how to make it (and how to cook, full stop).  We also got an invitation for Christmas Day to someone's house.  Since my mother died we have not been to anyone's house on Christmas Day, only to a restaurant.  I told the hostess that we could not afford to buy presents for anyone and that in fact we had not bought presents for anyone (including each other) since I left my last full time job.  This is perfectly ok with me.  (And she said it was fine with her because she never knew what to get people.) Unless you have children, I think this is a wasteful way to spend money, especially if people buy expensive "surprises" for people that the recipients don't like and don't want, which happens more often than not, hence all the tacky jokes.

The Bitter and the Sweet (Third Time Around)

I guess there are only so many titles one can give a blog post...

For the sweet (always start with something positive):

1. I took my first step toward the Carmen concert.  I wrote to the tenor who was in my Requiem.  I have not heard back from him but I know he is very busy and he may be checking his schedule or trying to decide if this is something worth doing for free.  If he doesn't want to or is not available, I won't get upset, as long as he doesn't say something unkind, which I doubt he would.  If I don't hear from him by the Sunday after Thanksgiving I will write to him again (or I will write sooner if my "sponsor" asks me if I have decided on a date).
2. The accompanist and the pastor from the Spanish service both like the Nin song ("Cant deis Aucells") so I will be singing it if not on Epiphany itself (the accompanist may not be available that day) then on the following Sunday.
3. The choir director said he would try to find a spot for "Nun Wandre Maria" during Advent (he seems to like the song itself).
4. I keep sounding better and better, and have surprised myself with how good some of the top notes sound, including the C, although I would not sing that in public.
5. A propos of 4, I can really tell  how much better I sound at choir rehearsals, where I can segue from singing pianissimo high Gs in the pieces where I sing soprano to singing chesty middle Cs and Ds in the piece where I'm singing alto.  And I no longer get tired.

For the bitter:

1. The woman I now refer to as "sponsor" decided not to have a holiday concert.  That is upsetting to me because not only would I have liked to sing in it, but also because it would have been something I could have used as "leverage" with the choir, so I am not seen as someone always available, but as someone who might get a better offer from time to time.
2. My "Habanera" got another "dislike" so it is now up to 6 likes and 5 dislikes.  Here is why it bothers me particularly.  For a while it got a lot views both because of all the brouhaha about the store using me instead of a professional, and because I mistakenly thought that someone had written something unkind about it.  It also got a lot of views because it was embedded in several publishing 'zines. But after that activity more or less died down. Yesterday I forwarded it to a friend, and asked her to "like" it if she liked it, and it was after that that the other "dislike" showed up.  I think it's extremely unlikely that this person would have been the "disliker", as she is not a singer and the one time she came to a concert of mine she was impressed.  Also, as she is a personal friend, I just can't see her doing that.  So I'm wondering.  When I put it on my Facebook page it got a lot of Facebook style "likes" but those are not Youtube "likes" (I can't believe I'm writing all this; it's so twenty-first century!!).  Anyhow I am not self-referential enough to re-circulate it on Facebook, but I did ask my teacher to "like" it (I re-sent it to him).  So we will see if he does.
3. I asked my teacher about the woman who sang Ulrica in the production that I was rejected for, and he said he thought there were two issues.  First, that her middle and lower register were bigger than mine, and second, that she is a "package" and that that is what people are looking for now.  What he means by that (I have heard him use that expression before) is that she is young (probably mid to late 30s) and that that is what the directors of these no pay companies want, even for older roles, and looks good, sounds good, and has experience.  What bothers me so so much isn't that I don't sound as good as this or that person, and that therefore they got a role and I didn't, but that these obstacles seem insurmountable.  I can improve my vocal technique, stamina,  musicianship, and language skills, but I simply will never be competitive with people 30 years younger with conservatory degrees and internships on their CVs.  I think what bothers me the most about this is that these people have flooded the lowest tier of volunteer (even pay to sing!!!) opera groups so there is simply no place for people like me.  I wouldn't care if I wasn't good enough for the A level groups and had to sing with the D level groups, but I'm not even good enough for those.  Well, as my therapist (and in another context, this "sponsor") said, if I can't get into something through the front door, I can get in through the back door (since I'm not looking for a fee).  If I'm not good enough for the pay to singthrough Carmen I can do my own thing with readings from the book.

I will post more about Carmen as things evolve.

ETA: I got one more "like" for the Habanera video, probably my teacher (he had listened to it before, but probably didn't hit the "like" button).  I heard back from the friend saying she never received the video, so I re-sent it.

A Heartfelt and Unexpected Compliment

I am really beginning to think that maybe things have turned a corner.

Over the past few years I have been deeply discouraged, first by realizing that no matter how well I sing, I will never be good enough to be cast by other people in a leading role in one of the no pay opera groups around here.  That was a huge blow.

Second, I have not liked the feeling of being pushed into the background by the presence of (as distinct from being pushed into the background by) these young conservatory graduates and students who have taken the choir by storm.

My spirits began to be lifted by the Spanish woman who seems to have taken an interest in me.  As a contrast, I don't really think my teacher is "interested in me" in that sense.  He is interested in seeing that I sing as well as possible, and he is happy that I seem to be able to create opportunities for myself to sing in front of audiences, and if I ask him for advice he will give it, but if he needs a mezzo to do something, for example, he can always find someone better.


As I wrote a few days ago, I am really really excited not only that this woman is letting me do this Carmen concert, but that she, to some extent, want to take joint ownership of it.


As for the title of this post, I got an email from one of the women in the choir, another mezzo, who had had a minor career singing opera and choir gigs, who claims to have lost her upper register when she got into her 60s, and who now sings alto in the choir.  She has always been very supportive of me, which I need to remember, as she is a conservatory graduate, and unlike the man who hurt my feelings, she seems to take me seriously.


She is also on the stewardship committee, so I'm sure a subtext of the lovely email she sent me is that she wants me to remember to donate some money to the church (which I have done for the past few years despite not being a baptised Christian; I do it because I care about their social outreach programs), but nonetheless she did write the following things, and I'm sure she meant them.


In the spirit of our theme, "delighting in God's gifts", I'm enjoying thinking about ways you give of yourself to [the church] and, thereby, to all of us.  Of course, your singing in the chorale leaps to my mind first, and your beautiful solos during services.  But then there are also the concerts on and off [the church] premises so many of us have enjoyed, and the benefit performances of the kind of music only serious singers, like you and your colleagues, can do.  I know you have volunteered in other ways too (like helping [an elderly man in the congregation]), and your very presence is enlivening.  .  So for this and much more I'm sure I've forgotten for the moment (or don't even know about), a very big thank you

So it's really really nice to know that someone notices that I'm there, even when I think they don't.

Personal Growth

I need to be working, but I wanted to document the personal growth I exhibited today.

Quite by accident (well, no; that's a bit disingenuous) I stumbled upon a blog post from one of the blowhards whose writing made me feel angry and self-deprecating.  I took her off my blog reading list, but a voice teacher whose blog I do read, whose studio is one of the pages I have "liked" on Facebook, reposted something from the blowhard, so, yes, I read it.

There has been a lot of uproar lately about all the "child prodigy" opera singers, who, apparently, are singing Puccini on Youtube.  I don't listen to these things because I'm too busy, and if I'm going to listen to something on Youtube I want it to be something that I can learn from (for example a rendition of a song or aria that I am working on).  I agree that they are probably ruining their voices, not to mention their psyches, by doing this, but as for thinking that they are damaging Art, with a capital "A", I am not that arrogant.

The post by the blowhard was a recycling of her favorite themesong: that she is the real deal, and these imitators (whether they're teens, beauty contestants, or hobbyists with other day  jobs) are not.  Hers was not the first diatribe I had seen about these "prodigies".  What differentiated it was that it was used as an opportunity to engage in another bragfest about herself.  In addition to railing about the "prodigies" she also went into an elaborate riff on all the things she is not good at (sewing)/sort of good at, but O!M!G! not a professional!! (cooking)/superb at (singing opera).

OK, I effing got it!!  I am not as good an opera singer as Miss Blowhard.  OK OK OK OK I get the point!!  (Now I want to say here, lest I am accused of being paranoid, that I don't think she was talking about me, although I saw myself in relation to opera singer as she sees herself in relation to chef.)

But why does she constantly have to belabor this point again and again?  What I said before is that people who are happy with themselves don't engage in this type of rant; they are too busy doing what they're good at.

I earn my living editing.  There are bad editors, and people who call themselves "word people" who don't know the difference between a pronoun that's meant to be the subject of a sentence and one that's meant to be the object of a sentence.  (A woman I know posted on Facebook that she is a "grammar fanatic" and then went on to say "there are certain errors that amuse my boyfriend and I"  Huh???  At first I thought she might have written that tongue in cheek but on second reading I decided she hadn't.)  Do I spend my time getting my "knickers in a twist" over such things?  No.

I will have to admit that I got angrier over reading that blog post than I would have liked to. Whereas the world would probably be a better place without phony child opera stars, I don't know if it would be a better place without hard working  amateur performers who will never be as good as the professionals who have studied all their lives but who still would like our afternoon in the sun, performing music we love in front of an audience, without constantly being reminded of our inferiority; or that we are somehow damaging Art if a random audience can't tell the difference between, say, me and Miss Blowhard.

But I am proud of myself that I did not let this ruin my day, or my excitement about planning my Carmen concert event.

I read, I felt sick to my stomach, I made a Facebook post, and then I went back to working on perfecting my pronunciation of the Catalan dialect I will be singing in "El Cant dels Aucells".  And I sang through it twice with my little keyboard, which is near my front door.  And then I pulled out my German dictionary to translate "Nun Wandre Maria".

And One *BIG* Thing

The concert version of Carmen that I had wanted to produce, in which sung scenes from the opera will be interspersed with readings from the book, is now definitely happening.  I have selected several tentative dates in May.  The woman who produced the 9/11 concert, the Spanish song coach, will sponsor me to produce this in the performance venue in her building.  She is totally supportive of it.  Maybe now I have a real mentor?

First, a tenor.  I will ask the tenor from my Requiem first.  I will wait until next week, when he is finished with his performance of Un Ballo in Maschera.  If he wants to do more singing and find me a Micaela that will be great, although she is not in the book.  Once he lets me know if/when he is available I can set a date.  If he is not interested or available I have another list of tenors.  Once I have a tenor I will firm up the date, and can work everything else around this.

My "sponsor" recommended an accompanist.  I have heard him play for her when she has performed, and he is quite good.  I will see if he is available.

Next, I will look for a reader.  Sponsor gave me some suggestions, which I will follow up on.

She also said I could sing something from Carmen at her Spanish music concert, which now will probably be in June.  I could sing the "Habanera" and the song by Manuel Garcia, which inspired it.


I am really excited about this.

In other news, Sponsor is having a workshop next week, to which I will bring "Cant deis Aucells" and "Nun Wandre Maria".  Once the holidays are over I can bring some of the Carmen material to any workshops she has.  I even think I may be able to sing the B in the "Seguidilla".  I only have to hold it a nanosecond.

Lastly, The Mentor now seems to have changed his name.  Or he seems to have two names.  Would love to know the story behind this but of course there's no way for me to find out.

A Few More Small Things

(I think I made a post called "A Few Small Things" not too long ago.)

Since I have cut myself off from a lot of the singing blogosphere, I have noticed I feel a lot better, am still making vocal progress, can pick up repertoire tips where I find them, but have a lot less to say.  Which is probably not a bad thing.

I am still upset that the choir director seems to assign solos to other people but never to me, on the other hand, if I choose one he usually finds a spot for it, or if he doesn't care for it, for something else.

He already started handing out music for Advent (although not a schedule) so I asked him about singing "Nun Wandre Maria" on Magnificat Sunday or the following Sunday and he said he would take a look at it.  If not, maybe I can sing Saint Saens "Patiently I Have Waited for the Lord" again.  It is a sort of "all purpose" number that would be appropriate.  And I can sing the Nin song during Epiphany.  I will sing it at the Spanish service.  It refers to Jesus being born, so is not suitable for Advent.

The tenor who sang in my Requiem is singing the tenor lead in the production of Un Ballo in Maschera that I auditioned for.  I don't know if I mentioned this, but he is in the Met chorus.  I checked to see who is singing Ulrica and it is someone my teacher knows (she sang Dalila in the concert version of Samson et Dalila that he was supposed to sing it, and then didn't because of illness).  I remember his saying she was quite good.  And I doubt she is even 40.  At my next lesson I will ask him, from a vocal standpoint, what he feels she has that I don't (other than youth - hardly a requirement for singing Ulrica - and, no doubt, a lot more experience).

So this is the problem.  No matter how well I sing, even a role that is age appropriate, there is this whole layer of unemployed professional sounding, well educated, singers who are 20 years younger (and then some) with impressive CVs and I will never crack through that.  And even if I sound better this year than last year, I am getting older and falling farther behind.

So I will focus on my Spanish songs.  I have noticed that the Spanish arts seem to be less ageist than most.  I mean one of the most renowned (and regularly performing) Spanish dancers, Pilar Rioja, is almost 80.

Once the schedule is out for Advent, I will remind the choir director about singing something, and will give the music for "El Cant dels Aucells" to the accompanist for the Spanish service, and settle on a date for it.

Once I have a date on my calendar to sing something I will feel more connected.

Memories, Addictions, and Plans

I haven't written anything here for a while, partly because my modem was out for five days, so I couldn't access this site (I'm not adept enough to do anything more complex than a simple Google search on my smart phone), and partly because nothing has been going on.

Today brought back some memories.  I have written ad nauseum about my "discovery" by the Mentor, which I link to Valentine's Day of 2004, but actually, this journey began with my singing Dido's Lament on the "Day of the Dead" service at the Unitarian Church on October 31, 2003.

That was the first time I had sung a solo piece in public in 23 years.  That was when I developed a belief in God, which I had never had before, even after, at that point, 28 years in 12 step programs.  I think I believed that if I got my voice back (it was not 100% secure, but it was pure and true, and in the classical style) in God's house meant that s/he must really be there.  I had fantasized about singing, dreamed (as in what happens when one is asleep) about singing, fooled around with singing (I even screamed my way through "Condotta" once for someone's entertainment, probably in the mid 90s or thereabouts), but I had never stood up and really sung.  And it gave me a rush that I wanted to feel again.  The singing, the mastery of a difficult task, the applause, the compliments.

So is this an addiction?

I have recently gone back to AA meetings, not because I was worried about drinking, but because I wanted to be around people who had more serious problems and more difficult lives than I do, and get a different perspective. Alas, I don't get that perspective in church, despite their serving meals for the poor and taking Christian charity very seriously, because the poor and those employed in drudgery seem to be "other", not congregants, or at least they're not the congregants I meet in the choir or at the free classical music concerts I attend.

So of course the subject of the Fourth Step has come up.

I feel at an impasse with this.  I am not starting from ground zero, I am not recently recovered from drinking or another uncontrollable addiction.  Is my desire to get attention from an audience an addiction?  Here is where I am not clear.  There is an inappropriate kind of self-centeredness, one that harms or attempts to deprive others, but to some extent this is just a personality trait, as I wrote about here.

Is the fact that I am happier as a solo singer, even in the humblest of venues, than I am as a choral singer, a character flaw?  I would hardly think so.  Is the fact that I like applause and compliments a character flaw?  I have worked really really really hard this past nine years and would like some time in the spotlight, and some appreciation.

Is it a character flaw that I am less happy singing with the choir now that there is this influx of "emerging pros" from conservatories?

Being bitter is a character flaw, and I am trying to be less bitter.  There is no point to it anyhow.  If I feel underappreciated I can work harder and/or find someplace to sing where there is less talent and I can shine more (and have more solo opportunities).

So what's next?

When the Advent Season schedule comes out I am going to ask the choir director (via email) if I can sing "Nun Wandre Maria" on Magnificat Sunday (or something else on another Sunday, but right now I'm drawing a blank, as all my music seems to be for that day or for Christmas).  If I don't get a solo spot in one of the regular services before 2013 is over, I will see if I can sing the Bach Gounod "Ave Maria" in the Spanish service.  They like things in Latin, and I hear now that there are at least 40 people at each service, sometimes more.  I am pretty sure I will be singing one of the Nin songs (I am looking at "El Cant deis Aucells", which is an homage to Debussy, and refers to the birth of Jesus) at one of the Spanish services during Epiphany, if not on Epiphany itself.  One of the pianists for that service said "we are always happy to have you".  And if the Spanish woman produces a Christmas/Holiday concert I will sing in it whatever day it is unless I have a solo at the church.

And then there's Carmen.  Next week I am going to start planning about doing that in the Spring, unless the Spanish music concert is definite.  The Sequidilla and the Chanson Boheme are sounding much better.  Learning how to flip my tongue around an "l" without tiring my jaw has made all the difference.

Suddenly Spanish?

Last night I sang at the Hispanic Heritage Month get together held by the woman who produced the September 11 concert.

It turned out there were only two other people there: one singer (female) and one actor (male).

I have mostly good things to report. First of all, I can see that I have a real affinity for Spanish classical song.  The organizer (who is of Spanish descent and is a specialist in this repertoire) gave me a book of classical Spanish songs to look at (which contains a song by Manuel Garcia, which was the song that inspired Bizet's "Habanera".)

Most of these songs sit in an upper middle register, which is where my voice is strongest, have a lot of melismatic passages (something I sing well), pretty much no sustained high notes, and nothing below middle C.  So they are tailor made for my strengths and avoid my weaknesses.

The organizer also gave me the name of a book to read, called Spain: The Root and the Flower.

So I ordered both of these items.

What heartens me, is that (albeit in a limited repertoire) I find myself getting the kind of mentoring from this woman that I so desperate yearn for and never got from anyone except The Mentor, who of course ended up being toxic.  She seems to be eager to teach me all sorts of things related to the music I am singing.

The other woman there was a mezzo, a "real" singer, aka someone who sings with these no pay groups, who has an impressive CV filled with apprenticeships, prizes, and plum high profile assignments (even if not for pay) as well as some paid singing.  She is of Hispanic descent and teaches Spanish and Portuguese.  She is certainly very knowledgeable about Spanish and Latin American music, and has a huge voice that can easily sing the music I so long(ed) to sing with a wide range, and a huge sound with much head resonance (although a lot of darkness as well).  She is going to be singing Carmen with one of these pay to sing readthrough groups, having sung Mercedes with another one of these groups (she knows my teacher), easily sailing up to the high C.  So if she is who is paying to sing at these readthroughs, they will never be interested in me.

Maybe I don't have such a big voice after all.  It is certainly loud and it can certainly carry over an orchestra, at least from the middle of the staff up.  (And - shoutout to the choir director - even my lower register could carry well enough above the small chamber orchestra we use for Reformation Sunday in that alto solo that now isn't.)  But it doesn't have a large aureole (this is not a technical term, I know, but I am clear what I mean about it).  It has taken me years to get even the tiniest bit of head resonance and that still is not a lot.  If it is not my past smoking, or my being from New York and spending a lifetime speaking in chest voice, what is it?  My blocked sinuses?  My narrow head and narrow nose?

I mean I do have a "voice" and I will never ever ever give up singing until I die or develop a disability that prevents it, but maybe I will never have the range or the stamina for opera?  I just don't know.  I love it so, but recently I have tried to "unpack" my passionate obsession with singing opera to see exactly what it is that I am so passionate about.  I have a dramatic personality and love the spotlight, which is why singing church music only satisfies me somewhat.  It is beautiful music, but no matter how well I sing it, in that setting other things are always paramount.  Maybe Spanish songs will be the next big thing?  I can dress up and be sexy and sing for audiences and convey drama without overtaxing myself vocally.

The best news of all is that the concert organizer told me that I had "the makings of a fine Spanish music singer".  I am looking forward to her Spring concert.  Probably this other woman won't be interested in it, and even if she is, I am sure there will be room enough for both of us.

A Few Small Things

After posting a comment on a friend's blog, which will link back here, I wanted to make a brief update.

Yesterday I went to a chamber music concert at the church, which featured a mezzo singing Verdi's "Ave Maria with Strings".  This is certainly something I could sing.  This woman has a lovely voice, is beautiful to look at, and has an impressive resume full of singing and performing in wildly diverse genres.  There are dozens of these women all over New York, which is why there is hardly a nook or a cranny so  lowly that is not crowded with them, where I can hardly compete.  I am almost positive that she showed up once at one of these get up and sing meetups, the ones where I felt so outclassed and hence uncomfortable.  (I can't tell if it was she, or another mezzo with the same first name who looks similar, who was at the meetup, but I think it was she; I remembered her smile.)

I was flattered that the choir director (who runs the series and played the piano for another number on the program) spoke to me afterwards and asked me what I thought of the piece.  I said it interested me but I would need a piano accompaniment as I am not going to be able to assemble a whole string quartet!  He said there was a version with a piano accompaniment.  A day or so earlier he had said that he would try to get me a copy.  So at least this means he takes me seriously, which is nice.  This is not something I could ever sing as a church solo because it is too long, and we only sing "Ave Marias" on Magnificat Sunday and on a day like that he wants something a little less somber.  But it is something I could sing someplace.  It didn't sound as if it had a very wide range.

The other thing that pleased me is that the woman who is having the Hispanic Heritage event sent another email in which she mentioned that she is planning a spring concert of Spanish music, and will have several more get togethers so that people can present Spanish songs that they would like to do.  I found at least three in the book of Nin songs (it only contains half of what I thought it would) that I can use.  One is quite high and has a long cadenza, so I will not try to sing it Monday.  The other two will certainly be manageable.  My Spanish pronunciation is improving, if not my translating abilities.  This book has French translations of the songs rather than English ones, but French is the foreign language I know best, so I am able to figure out what most of the songs mean.

Tomorrow is choir practice.  I intend to kick b**t with those low-lying runs in the Handel.  I intend for the years of training that I have, and the hours I put in practicing, to show, whether this is noticed or not.

I am having a tooth pulled in the morning, but was told I should be able to sing easily tomorrow night.

Thank You

Well, you never know.

A friend to whom I forwarded the link to the new video of "Angel" from the September concert (I was happy with how I sounded but not with the videography; the focus should have been on my face and upper body rather than having a long view where the largest item in the frame was the piano) told me that the (first) woman whose blog post upset me had posted a nice comment.

I was totally astounded.  Yes, she did, and I know if she said something nice, she meant it.

I have a sneaking suspicion she may read this from time to time (if only to keep her finger on the pulse of what's going on in the world of voice students) so if you drop by, thank you.  Thank you very much.

Tonight I went to the Blessing of the Animals service at the church with pictures of my cats.  I got to hold a little papillon in my arms because a woman had come with two dogs and that one needed to be held because she had just had dental surgery and anesthesia.  This past year and a half is the first time in 40 years I haven't had a dog.

I found the service very healing.  One of the women who led the service said that "animals teach us to forgive".

Now I am here with my cat on my lap.

I hope my Spanish song book comes soon.

The Luxury Department

A long time ago, someone at an AA meeting referred to "the luxury department".  By that he meant trying to figure out what someone is thinking, or what they mean.  You can't ever really know.

For example, I will never know if the two bloggers whose posts really hit me where I lived and insulted me were thinking of me.  Maybe they weren't (although it's interesting that, regarding the first one, I was told she was not by other people; she didn't write to me herself).  On the other hand, every therapist I've ever met (either as a client or as a colleague - when I was a volunteer counselor at the LGBT center) has said "trust your gut".  So if things people say (even if they're about other people, not me) leave a bad taste in my mouth, I perhaps don't need them on my daily reading list.

Now I am onto a whole 'nuther subject entirely.

I am just not happy singing with the Lutheran choir any more, but I can't think of anything else to do with myself.  I love the services at the church, although I have no desire to be Baptised, and if/when my partner predeceases me (she is 15 years older and in poor health) I had often thought I would throw myself into some of the social outreach activities there like serving lunch at the soup kitchen.

But I just feel very under-appreciated.  If this were a corporate job, what I would be doing now is, first, talking to coworkers about my perceptions/experiences to see if they were reality based, then maybe say something to my boss during a performance evaluation, get coaching on how to approach him/her with some of my sources of dissatisfaction, etc.  And look at the want ads (what quaint language; I really date myself).

The problem is, I have no one to check things out with, first of all.  If only it were as simple as people getting individual positive/critical feedback, or even having to audition for certain spots, but it's all sort of under the table, and a lot of it (back to trusting my gut?) involves intangibles.

Over the years that I've been there, the bar has been raised quite a bit, for various things.  When I started singing there, as people are not paid, I was one of four trained singers, that's it.  We still  did difficult music, but some of the higher soprano parts were simplified because there was no one there who could sing them (two of the trained singers were myself and another classically trained mezzo who sang soprano, sometimes with difficulty, and the other two were men).  Now it's a whole 'nuther ball game.  I am sure I can still sing a solo here and there, but probably never again at one of the high profile services.

I had promised myself I wouldn't say anything about the "disappeared" alto solo (I am singing the alto part in that piece, which is fine; I am the only one who can sing that opening line on one breath and I will sing it as if it were a solo.)  I didn't, but ended up making a joke about how my lack of enthusiasm for some of the spirituals that we sing wasn't that I'm a snob, but that so many of them have solos for high women's voices or for men, but never for lower women's voices.  So the choir director kind of took umbrage and said "well, it's a choir after all", so I said, "yes, I wouldn't care if there were no solos" which seemed to make him angry, and I know he rarely gets angry.

Then he thanked the two soloists who sang in the piece last Sunday.  He has never ever ever thanked me for anything I did in front of other people, only privately.  Does that have significance?  Also I have heard him recommend concerts that other people in the choir are performing in, either orally after the rehearsal, or via email.  He never did that for my Verdi Requiem concert; all he did was let me hand out flyers, and then he told people about it a propos of that there was going to be a Good Friday rehearsal afterwards (which I did not attend) and that the ticket money was going to the food pantry and the soup kitchen.  So do these things have significance?  This is what is meant by "the luxury department".  I really don't know.  If this were an office situation I would ask someone else, but I am not comfortable doing that.

Last but not least, my main problem is that I haven't a clue what to do with myself otherwise.  I have been scared off almost everything other than concerts I organize myself, because too many other people are better, which is just a fact.  It doesn't mean I don't sing beautifully.  It just means that in my immediate environs if I compare myself to the pool of other classical singers I am way at the bottom.  On the other hand (and this is somewhat a propos of my feeling entitled to define myself as an "opera singer") if I compare myself to a random pool of people, I probably sing better than 99% of them.  When I open my mouth in a random situation (singing "Happy Birthday" at an office party, for example) I sound like an opera singer, not like someone who enjoys karaoke night.

I am going to try to make working with the woman who produced the September concert more of a priority.  Unfortunately, most of what she does seems to involve having "workshops", mostly for people with minimal training, who sing musical theater.  But any time she is doing something that seems like it would be a place for classical singers, I will jump on it.

For good or ill, I seem to be someone who needs a lot of "stroking".  I don't mean that I don't want constructive criticism (although I think this should be given in private), but I like to feel appreciated, and the point has come when I really don't.  I think I would really like to be praised (for something I really do well, and there are things I really do well) in front of everyone for a change.

Now I don't think I'm being given an indirect message that it's time for me to go.  I have gotten that message at various jobs, when new management took over.  I have been one of a handful of people who were given a hard time (although not threatened with firing) who eventually got the message and went elsewhere, to a better opportunity.  I know they still need me if there's a second soprano part, or even from time to time in the alto section, which only has one other trained singer and is not capable of producing a big plummy sound.

So I am not sure what to do next.  Other than practice and practice and practice.

Tra la la

Just dropping in to say, yes, I am still singing.

But I do feel ten pounds lighter not having certain people/blogs/online groups on my reading list.  If I want to read things from singers and voice teachers I want to hear about roles they're singing, vocal technique, repertoire choices and interpretation, or  health tips, and that's it.  Let's leave the dishing to the Queens in the Parterre box.

I have gone back to work on Carmen.  I have not heard back from the woman who produced the September concert regarding whether and when I can use the performance space, but I know right now she is busy with other things.  She made a genuine offer and seemed to like my project.

My teacher is going to ask the tenor who sang in my Verdi concert, who is singing Don Jose somewhere, if he would be interested in this project.  I need a tenor, a reader, and a venue, and that's it.

At my lesson today we worked on the Seguidilla.  I had made some headway with the B, and it had all slipped away after I didn't sing the piece for a while.  Now I feel I am on top of it again, but I need to nail down what I learned today.  Also, working on the "Chanson Boheme" I can really see how much tension I have in my jaw/tongue (although not as much as I had in the past) because all that "tra la la-ing" is hard for me.  He gave me some pointers about that as well, particularly practicing singing/saying/mouthing "lalalala" without moving my jaw, which is not easy.  Certainly the piece sounded much better in my lesson that it did this week when I was practicing.

There are some minor annoyances of course.  There was a ready made alto solo in the choral piece from Judas Maccabeus, but the choir director said he is going to have all the altos sing that.  So I feel there is a double standard.  We continue apace with the endless spirituals with the obligatory high solo descant (I think I have sung backup to 10 or 15 of these in the past 3 or 4 years), but the one time there is a solo for a lower voice we are not doing it???  I still don't know which part I am singing (the soprano part only goes up to a G and the alto part doesn't go below middle C so I could sing either), so I haven't worked on the piece.

On a more positive and enlightening note, I had an interesting talk with a woman at church about how I am not the only one getting tired of all the talks by superachievers (not just in music; it just happens that I haven't attended the others).  I don't want to say too much because some people from the church may read this blog, but it is an important issue with regard to how I feel.  One reason I love this church (in addition to the music) is the very strong message they give about charity toward the poor and the outcast.  They have a soup kitchen and food pantry, which is one reason I make an annual donation.  But often the poor are spoken of as "other".  I mean *I'm* poor, for Pete's sake, and I am taking care of someone who is really poor, aka on Food Stamps.

I think it might behoove them (although as I am not a member of the church, only of the choir, I don't feel it's my place to say something) to ask someone to talk about what it's like to be a waiter, a harried administrative assistant, or a single Mom working at a low wage office job, not just what it's like to be a Broadway producer, a star in a musical, or a banker on Wall Street.  That's one thing I love about 12 step programs.  Everyone's story is considered equally worthy of being told.

Well, that's my two cents.

And Now: For Something Completely Positive

I have written a lot lately about negative people who hurt me (I'm sure unintentionally).  In fact I would go so far as to say that these people don't even know how much negative energy they put out.

Well, here's a refreshing change.  A breath of fresh air.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ch9sOjLHLk&feature=youtu.be

 I have had a virtual relationship with this lovely woman for a long time, and she has said supportive encouraging things to me.  And she is every inch a professional.

On another note, I seem to be having more success at the shallow end of the pool lately.  By that I mean places to sing (solo arias and songs, not with a choral group) where I don't feel totally out of my depth.

Rather than being obscure and cutesy, basically what I was trying to say about the "shallow end of the pool" is that it's fine to stay away from singing overly challenging repertoire in public. Although the times I've done it the only criticism I've gotten has been from my voice teacher and one or two other high level singers - and none of it was unkind as in "you shouldn't have sung that" and none of them accused me of being "selfish" by singing it.  What I have found frustrating is the lack of places for trained (but not quite up to the level, apparently, of people singing at the no pay opera groups) singers to do solo singing in front of audiences, even just audiences of peers, and talking to each other about their small triumphs and frustrations, which seem to go with the territory if you've discovered a passion for an art form when you're older and living someplace where you're drowning in an ocean of people who are more talented (Oh wyo wyo wyo, wasn't I born in a backwater in Ohio??)

Yesterday I got an invitation to the Hispanic Heritage event at the Spanish woman's house, where people are invited to bring Spanish songs (any genre) to sing.  So I ordered the book of Jaoquin Nin's Canciones Populares.  Feeling, as I do, so at home with Carmen (other than the B in the Sequidilla, which can be got around), I know that the Spanish song repertoire will suit me, and I am really excited about exploring it.

So now there is an actual date on my calendar for me to sing something!!

And Valerie's video has inspired me to continue on....

The View from the Shallow End of the Pool

No matter what I do, I can't shake the tremendous sadness that the two online fights I got into have left me with.

It's not a feeling of loss.  The person I removed from my friends list on Facebook and the one who removed me (the subsequent two who removed me made me slightly regretful, as I had no quarrel with them, but not deeply sad) were not people who cared about me or even liked me, so it is no great loss.

All I can think of is that this is really the first period in my life when I have had no listeners, not really.  I have a therapist, whom I pay, and some friends and acquaintances who care about me, but not people whom I can bounce ideas and thoughts off of, who give me positive feedback for my incisiveness, even when they don't agree with me.

I think the overriding factor with the two people I quarreled with is not that they are singers or voice teachers, but that they are preachers, and I don't like being preached at, directly, indirectly, or by implication.  I'm too old for that.  If my voice teacher wants to lecture me about something that didn't sound good (he has done that), or if someone who loves me and cares about me wants to point out (privately) that I did something thoughtless or selfish, that is ok.  But I am not stupid and I am not ignorant, and I don't need anyone telling me what to think, how to feel, or how to define myself.

I was interested to see this article, because it spoke to a lot of what I have been doing that has fueled my unhappiness. This article refers to people reading posts from (basically web stalking) people they hate or dislike. For me, it is more an issue of stalking people who don't like me, or even worse, people to whom I do not matter.

One sentence particularly resonates:

“I usually hate-read alone, late at night when I’m procrastinating, drunk, bored or all three,” she wrote. “When I finally walk away from my computer, I feel like I’ve just binged on a butter-sogged bag of popcorn before the movie even started: I’m slightly nauseated, but still can’t help licking my fingers for more fatty flavor.”

It is not a complete one on one match:  I am never drunk, and I don't do this type of reading late at night.  I do it when I am bored to near suicidality by having trawled through pages and pages of work cleaning up punctuation.  At that point any emotion is an improvement, even a negative one.

But I am left feeling exactly as if I have had an unhealthy binge.  This is, in fact, how I felt after those two escalating online quarrels.  I don't take back anything I said, it is all true, and I meant every word of it, but why didn't I just remove, particularly the second person, from my friends list before I got into all that?  Why do I keep combing over her every word, even now, in my head, which, in fact, is where I got the title of this post.

The message I have been given is that if I (or people like me) don't want a shark to bite off my toe I should stay at the shallow end of the pool. Over the weekend I gave that a lot of thought.  Is that giving up?  Never to sing anything except art songs and church solos in a limited range?  Never go to any more opera auditions?  Never sing "big girl opera rep" except in my bathroom?

Now I don't for one minute regret having sung the Habanera in the bookstore, basically, to get a Youtube video.  Even though now it has another "dislike".  I said I didn't want to die anonymous, and so that will be there, forever, for posterity.  And I am still planning that spoken and sung Carmen (even if out of self protectiveness I decide to transpose the Sequidilla down). But I have gotten burned once too many times to go to any more auditions.   Really, what's the point?

Here's the problem with the shallow end, and here's what still surprises me.  There don't seem to be very many people there, certainly not ones who are talking about and sharing about their experiences and supporting each other.  If there were, I would be happy to stay there.  Or if we had our own little "Forum" and our own little soapbox exchange.  Did online journaling and bucked each other up.  But that doesn't seem to be happening.

I know I have said this before, but my two biggest surprises when I started singing again were:
1. The level of the singers auditioning for the no-pay opera companies and
2. The level of the singers babbling and navel gazing via blogs and online fora.

I had really thought that those things would have been the shallow end.  The deep end, I  had thought, would have been interviews in Opera News. I felt so terribly sad all weekend, not because I don't sing as well as I want to, or because some blowhards don't like me, but because I keep feeling that none of this matters. 

How could something (by "something" I am referring to the transformation I underwent that is described here) that was probably one of the five peak experiences in my six decade and counting life, not matter?  If I'm supposed to shut up and stay at the shallow end (where there are apparently few swimmers and fewer sightseers), what was it all for? This weekend I was so unhappy I actually threw myself into cleaning (for my SO, not for myself).  I didn't feel like singing, not at all, for at least four days.

Tonight I went into my bathroom and sang through "Amour Viens Aider".  And I know that God is not done with me yet.

Imagine (with Apologies to John Lennon)

I was going to make this post before someone with whom I had (felt I had?) an adversarial online relationship with unfriended me.  Well, I had been thinking about unfriending her; I just had been too much of a wimp to do it.

The title of this post came from my pondering "suppose I just deleted all the people who make me feel bad about myself from my online reading life"?  It doesn't really matter why they make me feel bad about myself, whether it is about me or about them.  The issue is, they do.  Taking count, I see that I still have at least four voice teachers and several working singers on my friends list, all of whom are supportive and affirming, so a person being a singer or a voice teacher is not really the issue.

Some people have very sharp tongues.  Whether or not this means they also have mean hearts is debatable.  My mother had a sharp tongue and a generous heart.

I don't think I need to be around people with sharp tongues.  This is not what I want in my life.  It doesn't mean that I won't get the constructive criticism I need, or guidance, or being called up short on my character defects.  But there was an old saying "she who gossips to you will gossip about you".  And certainly you can substitute the word "snark" for the word "gossip".  Today Miss Kansas, tomorrow me.

So what's left?

Practice.  Learn new material.  Plan concerts. Stay on top of having a choir solo every season. Enjoy improving my musicianship singing with the choir. Make friends. Spend time places where I will be listened to.  Get away from the Upper West Side and hang out with some accountants, dentists, secretaries, bankers, pediatricians, anyone who isn't a musician or theater person who will make me feel small, whether that is their intention or not.  Take care of my SO.  We don't have that many years left together, most likely.

ETA: Well it turns out that now two other voice teachers, one whom I had just had a pleasant exchange with, and the other whom I scarcely knew, unfriended me as well.  I find that rather surprising.  Only one of them is a blogger and she sticks strictly to the nuts and bolts end of her craft.  I have never heard her say an unkind word about anyone.  The other is someone who puts on concerts.  I guess I just have to let it go.

Life Goes On

I should be working, but I wanted to check in with people to let them know that I am feeling much better.

First of all, just because someone is an articulate bully with a following, and a certain ethic, doesn't make that person less of a bully.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the "don't consider myself the equivalent of" thing.  Are people so mistrustful of the world at large that they think people who know won't know that I'm not the "equivalent of"??  That must be why I can't get cast even in an opera produced by a company that does not pay people.  And if people buying books at the Strand, or some residents in a nursing home, or some less musically educated parishioners at the church think I'm the "equivalent of", well, I guess I must have done a really good job of fooling them, so "go me!" as they say.  I think it's a bit arrogant to tell people what they can and can't think about themselves.  When it comes to politics, I am certainly not a "free market" person, but when it comes to entertainment, I will let the marketplace decide.  No one is going to tell me what I can or can't think of myself as and no one is going to tell me that I can't take part in a conversation.

What I need to do, is stop trying to get the approval of people who are not generous-hearted.

Whew!

So OK.  Last night was choir practice, and when I got home there was an email from the woman who produced the September concert mentioning something about an event for Hispanic Heritage Month and she ended it by saying "Keep working on your Spanish songs!" Just that tiny crumb, that some one wants me to sing something, work on something, now is keeping me going.

Tuesday when I was so depressed I had a voice lesson, and didn't sound good (I also hadn't used my Neti pot that morning and it seems that using it is essential to my vocal well being).  As there is no specific piece of music with a date attached to it on my calendar, and as my teacher (who has permanently switched to singing baritone) is singing the High Priest in a concert version of Samson et Dalila, I went over "Amour Viens Aider".  Of course I choked on that high B flat (despite now regularly singing arpeggios up to a high C) so he said why not just sing the G, which is what is written?  So I did that a few times and then he said maybe try singing the E flat, then the G, then the B flat, which I might find easier than stretching from the E flat to the B flat.  And it sounded great!  I also fooled around with that dialogue at the end of the act with the dreaded high B flat on "Lache".  I still wouldn't dare to try to sing it off the cuff, so I sang the E that Samson sings on the word "Dieu" and then slid up.  The actual note (the B flat) sounded really good.  If only I could have amnesia, sing as well as I do now, and pick up some of these things as if I'd never seen them before!

Also, I was interested to read this:

First, the larynx - the source of all vocal sound - is the last aspect of our human anatomy to fully mature. Until the late 20s or early 30s, its various components remain flexible and easy to manipulate. Later many of these components will harden into bone, and when that happens the voice becomes much less pliable and forgiving. 


from a blog piece by Claudia Friedlander.

I wonder if this is why some of the kinetic aspects of singing are so hard, despite my having now studied for 9 years?  Even when I started the first time, at 26 after 13 years of smoking, no doubt a lot of damage had been done.  My teacher had mentioned that it's much harder for older people to make the proper pharyngeal space to sing.  For example, I now do know what that feels like, but if I am singing, say, above a G, I have to think about it all the time. I can't seem to graduate, like the 20somethings I see in online master classes, from thinking about technique to thinking about presentation, unless I am singing in my core range from middle C up to that G sitting on the top of the staff.  

Well, I will do a few more runthroughs of "Amour" and then it will be time for something else.  I am waiting to hear back from the Spanish woman about what Spanish songs she thinks might be good for me to sing (all the ones I have music for are meant for Christmas or Epiphany), and then look at "Nun Wandre Maria" to see if I can sing it for Advent as a church solo.

Something to Sing, or Something to Say? (Duelling Blogs)

First of all, even though I only have 14 official followers (and two unofficial ones that I know of), I just know that there are people out there, people whose every sentence makes me feel about the size of a gnat, who read this, but won't 'fess up.

No, I do not consider myself the "equivalent" of someone who has made singing a profession.  What does "equivalent" mean here anyhow?  Do I think I sing as well as someone who has made singing a profession? No.  Do I think I have as much to say (about human nature, social trends, people's spiritual shortcomings that they think don't show) as someone who has made singing a profession?  Do I think I write as well about my life as an avocational singer as some of these people write about their lives as professionals?  As Sarah Palin would say " you betcha".

What makes me so heartsick isn't that people notice my vocal shortcomings (believe me, I notice them more than anyone).  It's that people think I have nothing to offer and nothing to say.  That was my beef with the Forum (which I will not link to).

Just because I don't sing professionally doesn't mean that my life is meaningless and that there is nothing there that people could draw inspiration from.  How many 50somethings start studying voice after a long hiatus because of a chance encounter and spend the next 9 years (going on 10) giving their all (or as much as is possible) to it, sacrificing time and money?  And just because I haven't lived the life of a professional singer doesn't mean I don't know things about other things that these people write and opine about: politics, health, human behavior, and so forth.  But these people ignore me as much when I write or comment about those things as when I write and comment about singing.

And no, I don't expect to be "cut special breaks because of my shortcomings".  I know what these are.  I have lousy high notes, whether because I'm a former smoker, or because I have had five decades of sinus drainage, or because I'm a New Yorker who never learned to speak in head voice until it was too late.  And I probably would not have the stamina, even if I had the range, to sing through the entire role of Amneris (I used to think that might be in my future, but probably not).  But if there's anything that I can sing the living daylights out of, it's the Habanera.  I sang it for the first time almost 50 years ago, it is in a comfortable range, and I know how to shake my booty just the right amount - and my French is flawless.  I mean, of course, if it's up on Youtube people are free to "dislike" it or even to make nasty comments (the latter, no one has done).

I don't know why, but all this brouhaha about Miss Kansas has left me very depressed. A friend of mine who reads this blog said I should not identify.  That my video of the Habanera has nothing to do with this.  It was a fach-appropriate piece, and I have studied voice, this go-around, for almost 10 years now.

But I just want to put my head down and cry.

I need to go somewhere where I feel wanted, and I don't know where that is.  If there were a "community" of amateur singers, particularly ones my age, maybe they would respect me.  For all the work I've done, the artistry I'm capable of, my determination.

I mean I know stuff.  And a lot of it is the stuff that some of these heavy hitters from the Forum should allegedly be interested in.  I have conducted over 100 job interviews with potential applicants and almost as many performance evaluations.  I was out as a Lesbian when no one was, wearing the "equality" sign when it really meant something; when it was an act of daring.  And I am - almost - a Stonewall veteran.  I was in the bar a few days before the famous riot.  I have helped people get sober and helped people come out.  I have lived in New York City all my life and been an officer of a tenants association.  The political rhetoric that newly blue people from red states think they just discovered was, literally, mother's milk to me.  My mother stood on a soapbox in Union Square screaming about the coming of the great communist paradise.

I just can't let all this plunge me into a depression.  I was feeling happier thanks to going to that AA meeting, having sung well at the concert last week, and planning to do something innovative with Carmen.

Maybe I will take the Big Book to bed with me tonight. (And now, if I want to pay next month's rent, it's time to get back to work.)

This is Exactly What I Have Been Talking About

I haven't posted anything for a while, because I haven't been doing much singing since the concert (it went well, but was not well attended because of the rain).

Now I have nothing definite on my calendar.  Judas Maccabeus does not have a mezzo aria other than the one pertaining to Chanukah, and there is nothing else on my calendar other than tentative plans to do the sung and read excerpts from Carmen, and possibly singing "Nun Wandre Maria" during Advent (I need to look at it).

But once again, I was really shocked by all the snark on Facebook (from the same cast of characters) about this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GojUwW6voyA

So OK, this woman chose the wrong aria, and needs a bit of polish.  But one of these snark queens referred to being "personally insulted".  That's arrogance, as much as this woman singing less than perfectly.

What I don't get, is on the one hand they laugh at this woman in high dudgeon, and on the other hand, they recycle this video and laugh at it.  I, for one, would never have even known about it, otherwise, as I didn't watch the Miss America pageant and am not interested.  I don't find this that different from people circulating insulting pictures of fat people or old people, or anything else, to generate shared ridicule at someone else's expense.

First of all, however many imperfections this performance has, to say this woman has never studied or practiced is outrageous!   I mean if she had had a good teacher or coach, the person probably would have suggested that she sing something else, but when the day is done is this really worth all that hatred and venom?

The people reposting this and laughing at it are saying as much (that's questionable) about themselves and their dissatisfaction with their lives as they are about her.

Really happy successful people don't circulate things to ridicule.

Home Safe?

This post is not about singing.  Not really.

On Saturday I celebrated 38 years of sobriety.  A few weeks ago, my partner and I started going to a meeting in her neighborhood.  I hadn't been to a meeting since 2005 or thereabouts.  Even as this program had saved my life, after a while I got turned off.  2004-2005 were pivotal years for me.  If you read this post (if you haven't already) you will see why.

I tried going back to meetings then (where I always grabbed for help) but the one available at lunch hour was packed with unemployed young people, I always came late (lunch hour? work? duh?) and so never got called on.  The conversation was mostly about drugs, there was lots of slang and profanity, and as a 50something wearing a suit with long term sobriety I was not perceived as needing help.  So I got help from the Well Spouse instead.  And from blogging communities, and later, an in-person caregiver support group.

When my partner and I went to the Unitarian Church in 2003, we had hoped that that would be an extension of our spiritual life in 12 step programs and that it would be something that would bring us together during a difficult time.  I was burnt out from working in a stressful high level management job, she had just sort of opted out and spent the day in bed, waiting for me to come home (often at 8 pm) and make dinner.  Instead our experience with that church tore us further apart.  I was swept off my feet by someone who got me to sing (the sexual aspect of all this was really the messenger, not, as I had thought at the time, the message), a dream I had deferred but never forgotten, and I became someone else.

From time to time, I hope that the spiritual messages I get from the Lutheran church will spark something beyond my love of the music there (and opportunities to sing my oratorio repertoire) but these sparks come quickly, and fizzle out quickly.  Recently my main feeling at that church is one of being subsumed beneath all the superachievers.  Everyone either has a music degree, a theater degree, or the means to travel all over the world.  At the panel discussion a few months ago that sparked so much envy and self-dissatisfaction, they were able to assemble a Broadway producer, a Broadway company manager, a high profile Broadway actress, and several recent conservatory graduates.  A 60something with a nice voice who sings an occasional solo and produces a concert once a year just didn't make the cut.

The meeting I started going to is not on the Upper West Side, where, no doubt, I would encounter the same demographic that I see at the church.  It was in South Murray Hill, where my partner lives, which is a lot more low key.  True, market rent apartments are as expensive there as anywhere else in Manhattan, but the population is a lot less flashy. And among people my age, there are many in lower middle income, uninteresting professions (or retired from them), who moved there in the 1960s or 70s and stayed.

Interestingly, I felt a lot more "spiritual" there than at church.  I shared my experiences of being 38 years sober, and listened to other people share about their lives.  Not once did I hear about where anyone went to school, or even what they did for a living.  For the first time in a long while I didn't feel "Well, I'm only a copyeditor", "I only have a BA from  Hunter College", "I'm only an unpaid church soloist".

If I am looking for a spiritual home, maybe that is it, regardless of where I choose to make music.

I can hardly wait to go back there, holding my partner's tiny frail arm, to do God's work.

New Year's Resolutions

This is the beginning of the Jewish New Year.  I don't really think of myself as Jewish; my mother was an atheistic secular Jew and my father was Scots Irish, I have a Scots Irish last name, look like my father's side of the family, never stayed home from school on the Jewish holidays when I went to a prep school in the 1950s and early 60s (schools didn't used to be closed on Jewish holidays), and there was always a Christmas tree in the house (which my mother swore was a Pagan custom).

I often laughingly say that if I'm in a situation where the opposite of "Jewish" is "Christian" (or today I suppose you could say "Muslim") I identify with "Jewish" but if the opposite of "Jewish" is "WASP-y" then I identify with "WASP-y" or I suppose I should say "WASU-y" as in "White Anglo Saxon Unitarian".  I have certainly been teased more about being "WASP-y" (as in WASP-y and uptight) than about being Jewish, over the years.

With that rambling preamble, I will say, though, that I think September is a much better time to start a New Year, than January.  (I also could never understand why New Year's had to be celebrated at midnight, when I am often asleep, when anyone knows that a "day" really starts at dawn.)

New Year's is a good time to make resolutions, and here are some of mine:

1. To stop looking at the Forum (I am not even providing a hyperlink this time, as I really don't want to have an excuse for sneaking a look at it.)  Other than that bookstore gig and a few pieces of advice which I probably could have gotten from someone else, all my involvement with it has done has been to make me unhappy.  Either I feel ignored, or someone says what I feel isn't true (how can what someone feels not be true?) or what I experienced really didn't happen.  I remember being told that it couldn't have been possible for example, that I was told by my Lesbian community that I should not sing opera because it was a patriarchal art form, that I should not play love scenes with men, and that any Lesbian worth her salt should be uncomfortable in a dress.  The person who said that (a gay man) was probably 12 at the time.  Or that I really don't feel that people who went to conservatories often behave like they are in a little exclusive club to which I do not belong, because of course they don't behave that way?  If that is how I feel, how dare anyone try to tell me that that is "silly"?  I rarely get on the feminist bandwagon, but women have been told that our feelings aren't true, that our narratives do not count, for far too long.  My narrative counts, it's mine, and no one can trample on it.  To conclude, there is nothing I can get from looking at the Forum, other than reading about things that people 30 years younger than I am are doing that I wish I could do but never will.  If I want advice I have a voice teacher, several coaches, a choir director, and friends who teach voice and who sing.
2. Ditto to stop looking at certain people's web sites.  How could it possibly matter to me what roles Jennie Jones or Sally Smith is singing and where?  These women can't be role models for me because I am older than they are and those opportunities are over if I even could have had them 30 years ago.  It doesn't mean that singing opportunities are over, simply that I have to be creative about looking for/designing them.  I would get more help from re-reading The Artist's Way
3. Spend more time with people who think I have something to offer.  I have been on this planet for over 60 years.  I know things.  Maybe the things I know don't matter to the Forum crowd (I was really only accepted there as a supplicant asking for advice, never as a participant) but they will matter to someone.  A 50 year old who wants to take voice lessons for the first time, maybe?  Another woman my age who is picking up a paint brush she hasn't used in three decades?  So many of my problems had to do with begging a peer group who didn't accept me to let me in instead of finding someplace I felt welcome.  This is not high school.  (As a sidebar, there are many singers and voice teachers, some having careers, who have been helpful and supportive, and who do think I have something to offer.  And there are enough of them that I can ask for advice if I need it.)
4. Reaffirm that this blog is about me and my narrative. It's  not about how I might have hurt your feelings, misunderstood you, or someone you love.  You can tell me once, point taken.  Basta.  I'll bet you are "heard" in a lot more places than I am.  This story is about me. (And just to save myself aggro, I have disabled comments for this post.)

Tonight is the first choir practice after the summer.  The choir director wants me to sing alto.  Hmmm.  I am happy to sing alto in the big pieces (like Bach cantatas) because those parts are written for people to sing in a nice line with breath control throughout their range, but in many of the other pieces that means never singing above an A in the middle of the staff, which I don't think will give my voice any kind of a workout or show it to its best advantage.  If the piece only has two women's parts it really is fine to sing alto, especially as the soprano section seems to be filling up with trained voices (and among trained voices I am not a soprano, duh!) On the other hand if the piece has more than two women's parts, I prefer second soprano.  Particularly with the spirituals in multiple parts, where even the second sopranos pretty much do nothing but sing the same couple of notes over and over.  At least the saving grace was I could end a piece like that on an F, while the top sopranos were singing an A, just like in opera.  I could let my voice soar.  If I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of the staff, I won't be a happy little diva.

Well, maybe the September group will be doing more and I can let some priorities shift a bit.

And I see that the choir is singing something from Judas Maccabeus on Reformation Sunday.  I will look for a mezzo solo to see if I can lobby to sing for communion.  When the star coloratura was still singing with us, she got to do a soprano solo during communion from the Bach cantata the choir was singing.  So far the only solo I found seems to pertain to Hanukkah, but I ordered the CD (it will be nice to have anyhow) and will look for something else.  Otherwise I will focus on "Nun Wandre Maria" for Advent.

ETA: It seems that the issue of what part I should be singing most of the time was a false alarm.  I think the choir director was expecting several trained singers to show up for the soprano section and they did not.  As far as numbers go, the parts are fairly equal: there are always 3 first sopranos, 3 seconds, including me, 2 first altos, and a gaggle of second altos, some of whom wander in and out for various reasons.  I suppose a case could be made that they would need me on first alto.  If the piece only has two parts and the soprano part is very high, I would switch anyhow.  I mean there is no reason for me to sing high in a choir: if anything, it could cause me to try to make my voice sound smaller, which is not a good thing.  But at the very least I need to sing up to an E regularly.

How Can One Compete with "Total Immersion"?

Yesterday I sang Bach's "Laudamus te" in two church services, which necessitated waking up at 6 am (so there all you people who think "amateurs" are irresponsible and dilettantish!).I had to be there at 8:30 sharp because I was singing with a violinist (as well as with the choir director on the organ) and I had never sung that piece with that particular violinist.

I actually got to the church at 8:15 and got an earful from the violinist's mother (he's 20!) about his prodigious accomplishments since the age of two, and all the things she (a former professional singer) had exposed him to.  I managed at some point to squeeze in that I  had begun studying voice seriously when I was in my 50s (not 100% true in that I had studied and sung in my mid-20s - still way too late for "total immersion") but "squeeze in" is the operative word, in that she did not ask me one single thing about myself (this is the sort of thing I have been encountering often over recent years, that I don't think is my imagination); I just felt like an "audience".

Well, needless to say, when we got up to rehearse, with this woman as the "audience" I was just terrified, and ran out of breath on several of the long runs; something I never do.

It all worked out in the wash, and we did a good job in the performance and got a lot of compliments.  And the violinist said he would like to do something again.  Maybe we can do the Vivaldi "Domine Deus" over the Easter season (I usually sing one solo every season and believe me, my wheels are spinning a propos of the upcoming one).

Speaking of "total immersion", I have been reading a novel called The Time of Our Singing about two musical prodigies.  They had total immersion, too.  I am only halfway through the book but can see that this total immersion protected them against the ravages of the "Sixties"; despite being of a mixed race background they had no idea what was going on politically, did not use drugs, and kept to their strict midnight curfew.  I did a bit of online research to see if they were based on real people (the novel mentions their going to Juilliard, for example) but apparently not.

I grew up taking piano and ballet lessons, because all the nice Jewish (and other) mothers wanted their children, particularly the girls, to, a la Jane Austen, play the piano a little, draw a little, dance a little, and sing a little (I took some casual voice lessons in high school from a retired Metropolitan Opera soprano who wasn't even ethical enough to tell me to stop smoking or I was throwing my mother's money away).  But "a little" here was key.  It was for enrichment, not stardom.  Of course compared to "blue collar" girls who were not exposed to these things at all (and their adult counterparts, many first generation college graduates) having done these things made me a "rara avis", but in musical circles I will always be perceived as a dilettante.

Well, today I will run through all the things I am singing on September 12.  After that I'll revisit the Bach aria I'm supposed to learn for the filmmaker (she has started work on the film already), immerse myself once more in Carmen, reserve a concert date in the free venue, and look around for a solo to sing on "Magnificat Sunday".  I may try Wolf's "Nun wandre Maria".

The Serious Amateur: Does S/he Exist Here Anymore?

I got a lot of helpful feedback from some comments to the more anguished posts I made recently, certainly much clarification.

The only statement I doubt the truth of is:

It requires so much preparation that I don't know that you'd have an easy time getting a group of people together to do it just for fun.

Aren't there people, people whose jobs are boring and whose families are gone (or who never had "families" to begin with) who would be happy to do just that?

Maybe not on a regular basis.  No.  What differentiates the professionals from the serious amateurs is that the professionals may have to do this daily, for weekly (at least) performances, whereas the serious amateurs may only do it to culminate in one or two performances a year.

I think it is a fairly recent phenomenon that everyone is expected to love, and feel fulfilled by, their work.  Most people are lucky to have a job that pays a decent salary, that is pleasant enough to go to, satisfying enough to do, and that provides benefits.  Very few people have a calling.  The difference, I think, is that now everyone expects to.

I think this is particularly American.  I have a friend in England who works as a shop "manageress" where once a year everyone in the shop dresses up as a fairy tale character (I don't know at whose expense) and puts on a pantomime.  And they take this very seriously.  Some people are more talented, some less, and some discover talents they never knew they had.  I can't imagine anyone doing this here.  Softball teams, yes, because sports are the American religion.  The last place I work made attempts at these sorts of things but it was implied that they were only for lower level staff.

Many small cities in England have community theaters that put on musicals and plays, and they use a "convenience sample".  For many people with dull jobs or stressful household responsibilities this is the highlight of their year.  When I was growing up in Brooklyn there was a group like this, started by two homemakers who had wanted to be actresses.  They cast themselves in most of the plum roles but not always.  It was for the enjoyment of the people in the neighborhood, who wanted to do something after work with talents they were keeping on a back burner.  I sang in the chorus of Babes in Toyland when I was about 12.  The group still exists, but it is now a magnet for people from the tri-state area who are auditioning on and off Broadway.

When I sang with amateur opera groups in the 1970s (right here on the Upper West Side), no conservatory graduates were singing there.  They had their own career path, which was fine.  And there were very few of them, as I have said.  They didn't all make the big time; some had church jobs and did something else during the day, others taught voice or high school music.  Certainly no one came here from another city to sing in an opera group that did not pay.  Some of the people in those groups had magnificent voices and studied regularly with good teachers, but they did something else during the day.  They had not been music majors.  The woman I had hoped to become like (although she sang in a different fach) had a very high level job at a nonprofit (she finished her work life as a CEO but continued to sing) and, two or three times a year, would sing a leading role that appealed to her (she often chose obscure operas that would attract New York TIMES critics) and endure the intensive end-stage rehearsal period tired, or take a few vacation days.  She once tried to negotiate something with a major opera house, but the money was not good enough and she wanted to keep her job.  I could have been very happy doing that - which I guess is not that afield from what I am doing, only that I am producing whatever it is myself.

I know accountants, editors, and administrative assistants, even some doctors, who live for their weekend country dancing, or pottery, or volunteer chamber music group.

I had said I didn't like the word "amateur" because it has developed so many negative connotations, being associated with people who wander in and out of rehearsals when it's convenient, are vague about commitments, don't practice or learn their parts, and don't follow directions.

I realize that some of what went wrong around (not with) that bookstore gig is that it was pitched to the wrong market.  Something like that was meant for someone like me, not for the people who read the Forum.  Does a professional career-track singer really want or need to sing a 5 minute aria in a bookstore?  It was a bit of fun, that's all.  I could easily have been an employee of that publishing company whom, if they knew I studied classical singing, they might have asked to do it as a lark.

I think the line between amateurs and professionals has, on the one hand become adversarial and on the other hand, become blurred.  One way in which I was very naive when I began singing again 9 years ago was that I assumed people posting things in singing communities online, and blogging about their personal affairs (as distinct from the high level singers whose public blogs are part of their professional identity) would be people like me: amateurs who wanted to talk about vocal technique, health, and how to balance singing, work, and family. I would have thought that professional singers would have been too busy for all that, and too protective of their public personae to complain, tell off color jokes, and - gasp! - swear!