Why Can't I Bottle It?

Often when I write here, I am writing about a problem I'm having and how to handle it.

Today I'm writing about something positive that I experienced yesterday, and wondering how I can hang onto it.

Yesterday was one of those days, when, singing in my bathroom, everything worked! So why can't I make this happen when I sing in public? I mean I do sing that well in public, but only when I'm singing church solos that don't go above a G.

But when I sing in public (and although my singing keeps improving, my confidence level does not) I at best take breaths where I shouldn't (which actually does not help any subsequent top notes) and at worst panic and turn into a block of wood with no buoyancy in my middle.

Last night I sang through "Stella del Marinar". It had always been an easy aria for me but having that scare last week made me stop taking it for granted. When I first learned it my voice was much smaller and I just sort of crooned through the long legato line and then saved my energy for the high A at the end, which always seemed to be there if I just girded my loins and let it rip. A few months ago I sang it for my teacher and he mentioned how different my voice sounded throughout (bigger and darker) but I still found the ending easy.

Well, yesterday everything was in place and then I went back and sang the duet with Enzo that begins with Laura singing a progression that goes up to a high B flat. And it sounded fabulous.

So the question is - why can't I do the right things all the time when I need to?

I now have fear operating at two levels: the old one about not having secure top notes, and a new one that everything that's wrong is caused by age-related decline, which is pulling me backward as better technique is pushing me forward.

Certainly my best singing is better than it ever was, but it is hard to be consistent with it. It requires more physical stamina and coordination, things that I don't seem to be able to rely on consistently.

Not just making sure I get enough sleep and healthy food (I'm pretty good about that) but also I have been plagued with sinus problems to an extent I never was before. A lot of people seem to be mentioning this, so it could be something in the air. Certainly at least half of my problems in the concert (and the first recording session) had to do with dry air, dry mouth, and sinus problems.

So we will see. My main reason for wanting to go to this January audition isn't that I think I will be cast as anything, but to see if I can do well at an audition - something I was able to do fairly consistently two years ago.

I Got My JuJu Back!

I guess all it took was a full night's sleep. Two.

Today's recording session went well. I would say I sang close to my personal best (which is not perfect). The engineer said he had never heard me sing that well on the other hand he hasn't heard me that often.

First he wanted to test the equipment, so he asked me to sing the loudest thing I would be singing. So I said "why don't we do the coda from the Sappho?" And if I like it, we can use it. So I did and it went well.

Then I sailed through "Acerba Volutta", at least in terms of the ending with the high A. I did make a mistake in the middle section "Verra? M'Obblio", so I did a do-over and we will splice it in. Fenena had no problems although I can hear that I sound lovely until I get to that high A and then it's just loud. But it had topspin on it and the run coming down must have been ok or the engineer would have asked me to do it over. Then we went back to Sappho and sang through the piece and did the coda just for the heck of it. I don't think the high note was as good as the first one, but I told the engineer he could pick.

Last but not least was "Mon Coeur" which I know like the back of my hand. I decided that rather than singing the ending with an F, I would just not sing the ending at all. It is written for Samson not Dalila, so I don't see why I shouldn't just skip it.

Then we had some extra time, so I decided I wanted a do-over of the end of the Favorita cabaletta "Scritto in Ciel" so I sang the last page and sang probably the best high A of the session.

I am still smarting from having had problems with the Laura and the Verdi Requiem pieces, but we have good notes to splice in and I just have to chalk Tuesday's problems up to the fact that I had been sleep deprived.

So this reinforces that I need 8 hours of sleep (shouldn't be a problem since I almost never have to set the alarm in the morning), and that I have to keep the floor around my computer desk dust-free. If I hadn't had all that sinus drainage from the dust, I wouldn't have used the nose spray and I'm sure that that is what kept me up in the middle of the night.

The "Muscle Milk" helped too.

So now I can enjoy singing my solo (the mezzo aria from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio) and also singing with the choir in a Magnificat written by the choir director this Sunday.

Then I am going to live Laura for a few weeks (am still thinking of a strategic time to tell my partner about that audition). That probably means re-working the aria. This is a role I sang 31 years ago when my voice was smaller. My teacher (and the engineer, now, as well) keeps saying I sing much better even than I did two years ago when I did the Dalila, but the thing is my voice is bigger and requires more strength to support, so singing is not easier although it sounds better when it's good.

Then if nothing comes of my January audition, I will dive into the Verdi Requiem.

Now I need to get back to work (my livelihood work) and then I will put up my small artificial Christmas tree with the cat-proof ornaments.

Whither, If?

Although I know I will be mostly happy with the recording, the way I sounded yesterday was a wake up call that I need to make some serious fixes (I can't think what right now, as I feel I am going in the right direction technically, the problem is that it doesn't "stick" under adverse conditions) or rethink my goals.

There is no reason for me to give up singing, even if I never again want to sing anything above a G in public. There's lots of lovely church music for altos and mezzos that I can still sing well, probably for a long time.

I don't like art songs. I know there are people who love them, and I don't want to offend anyone (one thing I learned from my bad experience with the pseudonymous blog was that apparently there were instances in which I thought I was writing about my feelings - or, less often, my opinions - and other people thought I was being heavy handed and "laying down the law" so I need to tread carefully), but I find them "academic" in a way that leaves me cold. Opera appeals to my gut (it's about sex and violence, after all, with lots of cleavage permissible, even for middle aged characters and beyond) and church music appeals to my soul. I am never cerebral about music.

I also don't see myself as a musical theater singer or a cabaret singer. My mother and my partner were always at me about doing this, but it's just not my style. Now I do love musical theater and go to see it often (less so recently as I don't have a full-time salary), but other than throwing in a "legit" MT number into a concert at the end, I have no interest in singing it.

What I had hoped to be able to do was sing arias and scenes from operas in concert with other people, but the fact that I sang two pieces badly, which are pieces I never had trouble with before, really frightens me.

I think my voice is changing.It is much bigger, fuller, and more operatic, but I seem to lack the stamina to carry that sound up. Just to be clear I don't "push", except on those top notes when I feel I am not going to make it. So the problem is not that I am dragging too much weight around. I still often feel like I am going to break in half in the middle, which is absurd, as I have put on weight there, but I still feel like there's not enough brawn there, despite the Pilates. I listened to an old recording of my singing O Mio Fernando and the top note has plenty of spin on it. Actually, I think the middle register will sound better on the new version, but this one is pretty good.

I didn't like the old version of Liber Scriptus and do think the new one (with the spliced in high note and subsequent low notes) will sound better. In the old version you can hear register breaks and a huskiness on the bottom.

But this is disturbing nonetheless.

I have the notes, or I wouldn't be able to sing them at all.

It seems to be the ability to recall "muscle memory" under stress that is the problem.

Some of it might be respiratory but why now?

This morning I think I identified one of the culprits - the mounds of dust kittens under my desk. I am pretty assiduous about vacuuming (I use the sound of the vacuum to muffle my warmups so I do a lot of it and I also hate seeing lint on my navy blue rug) but I had been afraid to vacuum or even dust amid the wires connecting the various parts of my computer. So this morning I bit the bullet and took a wet paper towel and got up the dust.

Is there something "going around"? It's definitely not a cold. Although my partner has had a phlegmy cough that has lasted for at least three months, with no other symptoms. She has been to several doctors none of whom can find anything else wrong. I don't have a cough, but I have had sneezing and rhinitis off and on for a while. Many of the vocal problems I had in the concert were caused by the dry air in the room which seemed to bother me more than the other people.

I am not going to give up yet (although I am now really scared about tomorrow's session - will I be able to get through "Acerba Volutta"? an aria I used to sing well enough in auditions to get a brava if not a role) but I want something in my back pocket for a Plan B.

I keep seeing postings on Facebook about "loving the life you have" and being grateful before it's too late.

But there has to be something.

I Have Some Serious Concerns - But I Will Have a Nice Recording

Although my cough and laryngitis are gone, I continue to have problems with nasal allergies (to what, I have no idea as I have lived six decades without any) and sinus drainage. My primary care doctor prescribed fluticasone, which is supposed to help this without the rebound affect of nasal sprays. It seems not to agree with me. I took it last night to stop endless sneezing and blowing my nose, and something (a side effect?) kept me awake for two hours in the middle of the night.

So when I went to my recording session I was very tired.

My warmup went well. I still am vocalizing up to High C every day and I sang the treacherous long run in "Amour Viens Aider" and that sounded good.

But from then on it was downhill all the way.

What I want to stress is that I will end up with a good recording because we got a really good take of every difficult phrase with a high note (except for one, where we decided to go with what we had and not isolate the phrase and splice it in), but what is upsetting was my inability to sing any of those notes decently even in pieces that I have sung well all my life, like "Stella del Marinar".

Overall, I know I am singing better. But I seem to be much more prey to fatigue (the panic is an old story) and it's harder to make a decent sound up there. I find that I can sing more reliably on a B flat (it's been a long time since my throat closed up) but if the B flat is 30% better, the A is about 30% worse. We're talking about notes that are the climax of a phrase. Probably the worst note was the A flat in "Liber Scriptus" which is really scary, as an A flat for me has always been no big deal.

I mean the whole scenario with the recording was the sort of thing that sapped my energy before we even began.

The first thing the engineer wanted to do was see what was "the loudest" phrase I was going to sing, so we went right for the run in "Amour". The first time it sounded fine, then not so. So I felt off to a rocky start. When we did the aria itself it sounded so-so. The engineer (who in the past never commented on my singing) said it didn't sound good and that the run coming down sounded "sloppy". So I did it over and he really liked it so we will splice it in.

I thought I had my energy back up for the Favorita aria, but again, I just didn't have enough oomph for that high A at the end. Listening to the recording, I decided it was good enough (it sounded a little "straight" but I did a nice portamento down from it).

But then things got a lot worse.

I started "Stella del Marinar" and then the engineer said his equipment wasn't working properly so we started again in the middle. I think I was just very tired, very "off" in terms of my body. So we did the ending separately. Now this is an aria I have sung well every time I've sung it. Now this one is not a sure thing. Really nothing any more is a sure thing. I feel like I'm back to square one. Not with everything but with these top notes. I just don't have the energy to make then spin. I never know when they're going to be ok and when they're not. It's like once I get above a G (in the past I would have said an A) all my technique goes out the window, time and time again.

Basically the same thing happened with "Liber Scriptus" although the engineer said the whole thing overall sounded good.

I think my voice (up to a G) has fewer holes and weak spots in it than it did two years ago, but the top notes do not sound as good, and this makes me so angry and distraught as I have been studying and studying and when they sound good, actually they sound better than two years ago but my body is less reliable.

When I complained to the engineer about getting tired he said "well, that's because you're old". I don't think he meant to be mean, he was just being factual.

And my teacher said the same thing. I called him up and he said a lot of this is that as we get older we lose muscle mass, cartilage flexibility, etc., and so this is something I am fighting even as I am working hard in the studio.

I just feel afraid now to do anything in public except sing church solos in a limited range, but I don't want to give up.

Church solos are nice, and I always sound professional singing in that limited range, but I am not a church singer personality. Or that is only part of me - the same part that reads Victorian novels and watches PBS Masterpiece, and snuggles with my cat.

But I am also a drama queen, someone who doesn't want to behave and be quiet and wear a black dress with a high neckline.

Well, I won't give up. I will go to sleep, be quiet all day tomorrow, go to choir practice and rehearse my solo (my teacher said this was ok) and then face Thursday's recording session fresh.

And then to January's audition. And I'm going to sing the mezzo solos from the Verdi Requiem somewhere somehow.

And not take any more Fluticasone.

Eve of My Recording Session

I haven't written much lately. I have been mostly focusing on trying to enjoy the life I have, which includes singing, but for better or worse is not spearheaded by it.

I have, however, been practicing diligently in preparation for tomorrow's (and Thursday's) recording sessions.

I am sounding much better than I did, even at October's concert. My upper register is darker and rounder, thanks to my being able to maintain the low larynx position. Sometimes it feels "straight", and as if I'm not going to be able to make it up there or maintain any kind of space, but according to my teacher it sounds much better than even a few months ago. It seems to be all about the low larynx position, the raised ribcage, and the buoyant midsection.

I seem to keep getting bigger around the middle and in fact have gained about two pounds since last year, but I am not going to worry about that now (although yesterday I was late to a party after trying on two pairs of pants and finding that they no longer fit me). When I began singing again at age 54, I promised myself that I was really going to give myself my best shot at this which I never had before. And this would include not starving myself and feeling weak around the middle, which seemed to make it harder for me to sing.

So here's what's on the agenda for tomorrow:

"O Mio Fernando" from La Favorita: always a good showpiece for me. OK, I sing only one verse of the cabaletta and a high A at the end, while I know some mezzos do both verses and add a crazy cadenza with a high C. But that is not necessary. The main issue here is not to let myself get tired at the end, which I shouldn't, as there are plenty of breaks.

"Amour Viens Aider" from Samson et Dalila: the long run going up to a high B flat and down to a low B flat seems to be OK!! I now find a B flat as easy to sing as an A (did I mention? I've been vocalizing up to a high C in arpeggios every day?) and my voice doesn't hit a "speed bump" above middle C when I come down that run.

"Stella del Marinar" from La Gioconda: I could sing this in my sleep. Now I wish I were singing it a little better (there are some spots in the lower middle register that I probably just "croon" through the way I did when I was 30) but it will do for now. I just need to come in in the right place in the recit.

Last but not least "Liber Scriptus" from the Verdi Requiem. This is sounding much better than when I recorded it before. The lower passages sound more "sung" and less "talky and squawky".

Tonight I didn't want to over-sing, so I just did the long run from "Amour" and the cabaletta from "O Mio Fernando". I was pleasantly surprised by how they sounded.

So wish me luck tomorrow!

In other news, I have a real audition in January. After that terrible experience with that Carmelites production, I stopped looking for audition postings. But this is something someone told me about, for a dream role. I don't want to say too much, until I know whether I got cast (either in that role or another leading role in the same opera, which is an older character, but for a voice that's lower than mine), but I am going to do this. My partner will probably be angry, so I am not going to mention it until after Christmas, which I want to keep pleasant for us (neither of us has anyone else to spend Christmas Day with anyhow). I tried to look online for information about this but couldn't find anything. I don't know, for example, if the opera is in concert. If it is, it would make me a more attractive candidate as my inability to easily walk up and down stairs would not be an issue.

Lastly, I am not singing a solo on Christmas Eve (the choir director says he doesn't want solos) but I am going to sing "Expectans" from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio this coming Sunday. He wants me to sing it in English, which is fine. Even not singing a solo, though, I am happy to be singing on Christmas Eve. I used to feel depressed about Christmas as a person with no religion and no money, but now I can be a Unitarian (albeit one who sings in a Lutheran church) which means I can celebrate all holidays or a melange of any that I choose. And the Lutheran church (and other people) are advocating abstinence from gift giving unless it's to people who are needy. It's nice to be in an environment where the spiritual message of Christmas (whether or not you think the birth of Jesus story is true) is what is important not the material one.

Singing "Around" Respiratory Problems

This is something all singers have to learn how to do.

Fortunately, in the almost 30 years that I have been a nonsmoker (I quit for the first time in 1976 when I started being serious about singing the first time, then started again, then quit for good in 1982)I get a serious respiratory "thing", maybe once every five years.

However I do get minor ones, usually not anything that people "catch" - just a bad reaction to bad air, allergens, and so forth.

I spent the weekend doing some heavy cleaning at my partner's house which is full of dust and then did her laundry. When I went to clean out the dryers there was enough lint in them to make a blanket, and I started wheezing like crazy.

When I woke up yesterday I thought I was choking and really thought I would be too hoarse to sing. But I began feeling better as the day wore on (I had some hot tea with lemon and a lot of cough drops) and when I went to try a practice session at 4, I sounded just fine! The only place I noticed a problem was in that pesky lower passagio (for me that means the E and F at the bottom of the staff), where it's too high to sing in chest voice (for me, anyhow) and my voice has very little volume on the best of days.

This morning I felt a little better (I also took some Mucinex) but there was a point when I was talking on the phone that I thought I was choking. So I had more tea with lemon and more cough drops, and gargled with some warm salt water, and called my teacher about my lesson that was scheduled for 4. I told him what was going on and he said by all means I should have a lesson, if I was able to sing yesterday, and that he would take a listen to see if I needed to make some adjustments.

Well, he agreed that I sounded a little breathy in the lower passagio (he said I sounded like I used to in that range, a year or more ago) and that my highest notes sounded like they didn't have "room", but he also said that technically I am handling the high notes much better. He also said that singing sometimes causes the phlegm to break up.

We went through Fenena's aria, because I had not been happy with how that sounded, and he gave me some pointers, mostly about keeping my larynx down, which is mostly what he tells me over and over, and if I can do it, I sound better. What's interesting, though, is that now, even if some of those top notes don't feel great (they still feel "tight") he says they sound a lot better because I am singing them darker. After Fenena we went over "Amour Viens Aider" and I did quite well with the B flat. In fact in both arias I did well with the descending runs, which are tricky. Even though I was having trouble around the passagio I didn't have that feeling I was hitting a "speed bump" around E at the bottom of the staff, which I used to.

Speaking of my teacher himself, he is feeling mostly recovered from his surgery and is able to sing full voice again. He says he might be interested in doing the Requiem in March (I still haven't spoken with the Pastor about it) and asked me to email him a list of which sections I want to do (basically all the solos arias, duets, trios, and quartets that don't need a chorus).

So now I just need to focus on stay in good shape for my recording date on December 6. Once I'm done with that I am going to ask the Pastor about using the church during Lent.

It Doesn't Have to be January

For me to make "New Year's" resolutions.

One great thing about 12-step programs is that they tell you that you can "start your day" (or your year, or your life) over whenever you want to.

I recently did some cyber housecleaning and some soul-searching and have come up with a few resolutions.

To try to love my small-scale life. As I am 61, I doubt that it will ever be anything else, but small doesn't mean "less than". Nor does having a small-scale life mean that I am a small-scale person or that I have a small scale voice or style of singing or that I don't sometimes need to wallow in over-the-top bad taste in clothes or anything else. In this post the esteemed Cindy Sadler talks about all the unrealistic expectations that people are given through magazines, the media, and corporate culture. This can easily spill over into other areas, such as feeling that my life is worth nothing because I don't travel regularly, or have the type of livelihood that entails doing something and being somewhere different every day.

Recognize the signs of boredom and deal with them constructively. Even though I am much happier and less stressed than I was working in an office, and know that I am blessed to have not only health insurance from a former employer, but also work that is endlessly available that provides a means of earning a living that I can do on my own schedule, sometimes it's wearing to do the same thing over and over, in the same place, for hours on end, particularly for someone like me, who, although not a raging extrovert, enjoys being "out there". So when I need a microbreak, my resolve is to look at theater web sites for places to send my first play, or put the finishing touches on my second play. Or see if I can figure out how to take a picture of myself with my cell phone. It can't be that hard.

Avail myself of every opportunity to go out, preferably wearing something nice, that doesn't cost anything. I don't have to have the sort of "career" that involves endless changes of scene to "diversify" my day a little.

I haven't mentioned anything about singing so far, because I am already doing most of the right things there. I usually have a church solo to look forward to, but I should Always make sure I have something else to look forward to, as well. I have a lot of enterprise. I can at least have a plan for a plan for a concert, concert opera, or something similar. And once that gels (even if it's just an idea not a plan) keep the focus on myself. All that matters is how well I'm singing what I'm singing, not where I "fit" in the universe of singing in Manhattan, the United States, or the world, because I probably don't "fit" anywhere. I don't have to "fit" somewhere to sing well or to sing in front of an audience of my own friends and family, or to make a CD and sell it or give it to people.

All of this is very hard.

One of the publications I work on is about people with terminal cancer. Many of them are encouraged to do "life reviews". I find reading about this very moving. Someone told me yesterday that what I refer to as "wistfulness" is living in the past, but apparently thinking about the past is not uncommon for older people (I didn't think I was that old but maybe I am). It is hard to let go of certain things and say that those things will never be (but I can still have other things which may be just as important). It is probably harder to say that certain things will never be than it is to sing a high B flat in public or buckle down and spend five hours editing manuscripts on my laptop when I'd rather be doing something else.

A Learning Experience

I am home from having had a lovely Thanksgiving meal in a Spanish restaurant with my partner (it is also our 35th anniversary, give or take a few rocky years). In addition to the leftovers from the restaurant, I had made a dish of sweet potatoes and apples (she had served it to me that first Thanksgiving and taught me how to make it) and we bought a pumpkin pie. She is extremely thin and eats very little, and I am a medium size (could lose 5-10 pounds but am not into that right now) and while I certainly eat more than an anorexic model (or than my partner does), in no way can I finish a "serving" of food from a 21st Century restaurant.

So we had enough food to give a mini Thanksgiving meal to my partner's downstairs neighbor who is even older, thinner, sicker, and possibly poorer than my partner, and had not been able to go out.

This made me feel good.

Getting to the topic of this post, over the past few days I had a very bad experience with my pseudonymous blog, which I may be beginning to outgrow.

That is where I began to write about singing and about all the emotional turmoil I was experiencing post-Valentine's Day 2004 (which you can read about here).

It was there that I met "real" singers for the first time. In the past I had only personally known the sort of amateurs who sang with me in "the opera underground" or had read about singers from the Met. I enjoyed my time singing with those amateur groups and if I compared myself to anyone, it was to the women there who were singing the roles I was singing, or to an objective standard of what I thought the music should sound like, or to recordings.

When I began singing again in 2004, pre-blogging, I was living in a bubble. There was The Mentor, who was an exacting task master, often reducing me to tears, but I was not comparing myself to anyone (because the only singers I knew were the one other trained and the 5 or 6 untrained, singers in that small choir), or my life to anyone's except his, of course, and in retrospect I can see that for all the anguish, he was probably one of the 3 or 4 greatest influences on my life, from my singing to my choice of sheets and towels.

Once I began my involvement with the pseudonymous blogging community, I met singers who, while not big stars, were singing all over the country and beyond (some were expats living in Europe). I learned some things about singing both from them and from various online singers' forums, for which I am grateful. I learned about vocal technique, about repertoire, about interpretation. I also heard more than I wanted to know about some of the more "glamorous" aspects of being a singer (as distinct from learning about singing). I don't think that this did much to enhance my life (or improve my singing or inform my choice of church solos or arias) and did a lot toward making me dissatisfied with myself.

As a result of this latter, I seem to have ended up making enemies of all these people and they have "unfriended" me (or I them) from the community in question.

After feeling angry and embarrassed (not by the "unfriendings" but by some of the things that were said to me - or rather written) I decided that all of this was really a blessing in disguise and that it was time to reevaluate my relationship with other singers.

As I am probably only going to be singing either church solos or in various operatic concerts I produce myself, my only relationship with other singers should either be as colleagues (i.e., people who might be interested in participating in some of these things with me or whom I might ask for advice about what to sing - although the first person I should ask about that should be my teacher), or as real mentors, either direct (like my teacher) or indirect, like the renowned teachers and coaches who have blogs with many bits of wisdom about everything from vocal technique to attitude.

Or I need to talk to peers. I so far have found one, a woman who stumbled upon this blog, who started serious classical singing in her late 40s, and who has many of the same daily concerns that I do (mostly about church repertoire).

And of course I am always happy to talk to my colleagues in the choir, some who have vocal training, and some who don't, but who for the most part are supportive and appreciative of what I have to offer.

So what I'm saying is, I think it is a positive thing that I have now been forced to let go of some of the voyeurism that was making me unhappy. It wasn't helping me sing better, or feel better about my life.

ETA: I just deleted that pseudonymous blog, which I had been writing for about six years. I consider that to have been a much needed form of "cleaning house".

Second Rehearsal for Recording

Today I had my second rehearsal for the recording, courtesy of my "Angel".

Some things went well, some not.

So here's the recap.

Sappho's "O Ma Lyre": Voice worked well, but boy, am I off with some of the notes. There's a first and a second verse and there are some small differences, particularly in one place, so I need to drill that. Also I am not counting strict time. I took a lot of liberties with the rhythm when I sang this in the concert in 2009 and probably if I'd had a rigorous coach to go over it with, that would have been nipped in the bud. The good news is the coda with the B flat went really well. So I went through the verses again and tried to clean some of these things up (didn't sing the coda more than once - no need),

Acerba Volutta: Didn't sing it what I would call my "personal best" - the high A at the end was a little tight, but I think it was in that new, dark place and I did a nice portamento down from it. My lower middle register sounded weak (nothing new) and no, I don't barrel into chest voice on that F natural on "l'attesa". (Neither does Dolora, but her voice is bigger in that range than mine is.) But I was spot on with all the entrances and the coach said I had that aria "set".

Fenena's aria: This was the biggest (unpleasant) surprise. It's just a two-pager (and much nicer than "Va" IMHO, which has been done to death by conservatory students) and looks deceptively easy. There's a run at the end going up to a high A and coming down almost two octaves, but unlike the run in Dalila's "Amour Viens Aider" this has to sound "pretty". I choked on the A on the first go around and did a "do over" which sounded great, but I need to get it right in context. I think I need to apply that low larynx position that I've been using so successfully on other things, with this. I haven't sung it at a lesson in several years (must bring it to the next one). The coach had never heard it and said she really liked it and thought it was "elegant".

Mon Coeur: Lovely as always. When I was done singing it, the coach said "Brava". She agrees that I don't need to belittle myself because I don't sing the B flat at the end. I'm fine with the one in "Amour" because that's a big battle cry, but I can't sing it softly and sweetly and if I bellow it it will ruin the mood, which is so so hot!

After we ran through those pieces we did a little work on the Requiem. It is coming along. I thought I sounded good in the Salva me and the Recordare. I'm fine with middle C and B, which I can sing in chest voice. It's on Es and Fs at the bottom of the staff where I sound wimpy.

So the first recording session is supposed to be December 6. I am so excited. And of course the great thing about recording is that if I don't like something I can do it over and splice it in.

Verdi Requiem Getting Acquainted Update

Yesterday I spent 12 hours backing up my computer (had to start from scratch as I have a new hard drive). Most of it was while I was asleep, so I didn't "waste" too much time, also for some of the time I was having my hair done.

In any event, as I couldn't work for those hours, I sang through the first three sections of the Requiem. There will be seven all told that I need to learn:

Kyrie

Quid sum, miser

Recordare

Lacrymosa

Domine Jesu

Agnus Dei

and the magnificent
.
Lux Aeterna

(I already know Liber Scriptus).

The Kyrie is coming along. There are still some places where I need to pound the keyboard to get my note, but that will eventually pass. One or two more runthroughs and I will have it.

Quid sum, Miser is a little easier, for some reason, although I have not attempted it without the playing the keyboard while I'm singing.

Recordare is the easiest, probably because I have my own melody. I find if I'm singing something other than the top line (e.g., an alto part in choir) I do best if it's something with its own melody, not a harmony part. For example I always learn the alto parts in the Bach cantatas very quickly. This Recordare is a duet and although the tessitura is a bit low for me, it is very singable and I found myself able to sing with the recording without having to play my notes, except at the end when the soprano is on a high B flat and I am on a middle C, which is hard to hear.

But it is coming along. I want to be able to sing it note perfect with the book by January and then I will feel comfortable about trying to pull something together if I can get the church space without paying for it.

Otherwise I will have this in my repertoire. I need to have a series of big oratorio pieces in my repertoire because I have completely aged out of all things opera unless I produce whatever it is myself.

I also am feeling good that I have my big hair back. If I could figure out how to photograph myself I would, but I just tried, looking in the mirror with the cell phone camera, and I can't.

Again, I think some of my wistfulness goes back to what I call "Wizard of Oz-ishness" - I know I am very attractive for a woman my age (and I have a great wardrobe) but I don't move in circles where people take pictures of me, I don't take them of myself (I would if I knew how), and basically no one in my immediate environs really cares enough about how I look, what I'm wearing, blah blah blah to want to memorialize it in any way. If they take pictures, it's of scenery, or of people as incidental to scenery. I wonder if this is

A. an artifact of my not being a "professional" performer with costumes to show off (church singers aren't supposed to "show off" full stop)
B. generational (people over 50 or over 60 just don't constantly take pictures unless they're on vacation to an interesting place)
C. that I don't know enough shallow people who are interested in how I look (LOL!)

Singing Better - But I Wanna Play Dress Up!

Today at my voice lesson I went through "Acerba Volutta" and Sappho's "O Ma Lyre". My teacher said they sound much better than several years ago. In fact he said that "Acerba Volutta" sounds the way that type of music - Italian verismo - is supposed to sound. My upper register seems to be much freer (although it could be freer still) but most importantly, I have a whole voice that sounds like a real Italian mezzo. My teacher says, yes, this is the repertoire I should be singing.

So why do the "envies" constantly creep up on me?

There is something that I want. A lot of it has to do with singing - singing is the core of it, but it's more.

When I read Facebook and other postings from "real" singers, what is it they are doing that I am so envious of? Well - dressing up for one.

I grew up in an environment that disapproved of dressing up. My mother used to quote Thoreau - "Distrust any endeavor that requires new clothes". O how different from my ultra-feminine friends with their ultra-feminine mothers who wanted to take them shopping and admire them in this, that, or the other. In fact, if you look at the photo that my mother wanted for her obituary

you will see that she has, in essence, no hair (it is scraped back in a knot), no cosmetics, and a face that is, at least to me, rather genderless.

When she died and I went through her things, I could see that she had not bought any new clothes (except the odd turtleneck and some sneakers) in probably three decades, and I have inherited no jewelry other than some beads and some politically-correct ethnic horrors that I gave away.

When I was a child and an adolescent I was always jonesing to dress up which she had no understanding of.

As an adult, when I ended up with a partner who was female, I found that I was marrying an ideology, not just a person, and was surrounded by hordes of women who chanted disapproval of me as I wistfully played with my cosmetics (they were all I had left to adorn myself with - I owned no skirts, dresses,or women's shoes).

Decades later, I have a closet full of gowns and long skirts (and a few other oddities, like a fringed black lycra skirt and another tight black skirt with suggestive zippers that can be zipped - or not) but noplace to wear them.

In any event, these "real" singers spend their days purchasing gowns for concerts (even if all they're singing is an alto part in an oratorio with minimal exposure) and being stuffed into period costumes with cleavage (even the "frump" roles get to show cleavage, so it seems). Then they post the photos on Facebook and everyone oohs and ahs.

When I left my last full time job I got a "severance package" which included, in addition to the crown jewel of health insurance for life until Medicare, a year of career counseling. The outfit I went to was quite good and they actually specialized in finding second careers for people over 50. So I thought I could at least segue into a glamorous career, if not singing, maybe selling toothpaste (I am being partly facetious here) in a different city every month (or at least in a different office every month) with a drop dead wardrobe as a work requirement. On that score, though, I think this career counseling outfit overestimated its power. What I ended up with was tools to find work I could do at home in my pajamas, which has left me more time for singing, more sleep, the freedom to fulfill my eldercare responsibilities without having to beg and beseech time off like a child asking "Mommy may I?" but it hardly fulfills my need to be glamorous. And needless to say, on a small budget, even if I have the clothes, I am not about to go anywhere where I could wear them, as such places are expensive to frequent and what excuse would I have to be doing so in any event?

Now make no mistake. Even if I'm going grocery shopping I have on stage makeup and when my big hair starts to wilt (which it certainly has by now) I call in my Irish hairdresser to perm it in smelly rollers for two hours (she is coming Thursday). And usually if I go into a store that sells cosmetics someone asks me if I'm an actress, because of course I wouldn't be caught dead in anything that looks "natural" even if it's only to wear to the grocery store.

Optimistic Again

I had quite a week! My computer's hard drive died and I took it to the repair shop (I would recommend going to "The Geek Squad" at Best Buy - there's one three blocks away from me - over spending hours on the phone with someone in the Philippines or India working for Dell) so I had two days when I was unable to work and last night had to stay up until 2 am finishing a project.

So I used the time to sing!

I had had an appointment anyhow with the accompanist to rehearse what I'm putting on the CD, so I kept it.

She hadn't heard me sing in several years and said how solid and secure my upper register sounds. I sang "Amour Viens Aider" with the B flat in the run, "O Mio Fernando" from Favorita, "Stella del Marinar" from Gioconda and "Liber Scriptus" from the Verdi Requiem. Afterwards we still had some time so I sightread through the Kyrie, Quid Sum Miser, Recordare from the Requiem. I can see that musically I will have my work cut out here. There is nothing that is difficult to sing (true, I haven't gotten to "Lux Aeterna" yet!) but it will be a bear to learn. But I can learn it. I am not a musician (meaning I don't read key signatures or understand chord structure), but I am an auditory whiz and if I listen to the recording and pound my line on the little keyboard it will stick in my head forever. And I am determined to sing this because it is a great piece, I love it, and it is something to have in my pocket.

I used one of the days I wasn't working to get further with the sections I had sung through with the pianist and I see they are coming along. This is something that will get done if I put in some time on in several days a week (I want to have it ready by January). And a lot of the work doesn't involve singing, just saying the words out loud in time, and pounding on the keyboard when I'm playing the recording.

Overall, I am singing much better even than I did at the concert. Going back to simpler things (and what isn't simpler than "Condotta"?) they sound very different. During one of my practice sessions I went through "Acerba Volutta" (probably my all-time favorite aria to sing) and the Sappho aria with the B flat at the end.

On the choral front, I am doing very well with the pianissimo high A flat. We are singing the piece Sunday and I think I will be one of about four sopranos. The star coloratura will not be there. I know what to do, so I just need to do it. The rest of the soprano part is in a low tessitura so that is definitely the part I need to be singing.

The not so good news is that by the end of last Wednesday's choir practice although my voice was still surprisingly fresh, my brain sort of imploded and I came in in the wrong place in another piece we're doing (because I had the book open to the wrong page).

Lastly, here is a photo from our concert!!

A Wise Man Speaks

Today I had a voice lesson after not having had one for about three weeks. My lesson is always an hour of singing and a half hour of talking about what's going on with me in my life as a singer.

My teacher pried out of me all the negative emotions I had been feeling about the issue of these meetups, etc. and he told me a number of things that were either confidence-boosting or illuminating in some way.

First, we had our last (I think) rehash of the concert. He said overall I did very well, despite a few shrill notes. That both of the people I sang with would be happy to sing with me again, and that they would not have felt that if I hadn't done a decent job. He said I sang much better than I had at the two big performances he had heard: Samson et Dalila and the concert the year before at the other Lutheran church.

Then he said a few things about the issue of the meetups and my not connecting with anyone.

First, he said that "in the world" (he said his wife had mentioned this) older women are "invisible". Yes, I have been aware of that for a long time which is something I have tried to explain to some younger female friends, most notably (OK readers, don't get into a feminist frenzy) that "sexual harrassment" is mainly a younger woman's issue. If you're over 40, even if you've got a body to die for, nobody gives a flying fig.

Then he also said that in the world of performing, older men are also invisible.

He said that many people at these things may think that the vocal flaws that I still have are a result of age-related decline. Now both he and I know that the opposite is true - they are there because I haven't fine-tuned my instrument enough yet. But that if people think I'm going "downhill" because I'm older this will scare them.

He also said (I thought this was a bit harsh) that if people are going to these sorts of things they are not happy with where they are, or they would be rehearsing for real gigs, not singing at meetups. (That was what I had thought originally, which is why I was very surprised at the level of most of the people there. It also bears out what I had written about earlier that there are hordes of singers as good as most of the pros with noplace to sing.)

In any event, he said I should focus on whatever I'm planning next,not singing at these groups if doing that wasn't helping me develop more confidence.

I think what I want to do (and I am still going to post a notice of some sort), rather than starting my own meetup or looking for a large group of people more demographically like me, simply to try to find even one older singer who was a late starter, who will go to one of the existing meetups with me. So then as I said to someone we can be each other's cheering section and if we don't "matter" to anyone else who's there, we will matter to each other and will be less nervous.

And I shouldn't forget to add on the singing front, that at my lesson I ran through two arias I hadn't sung in over a year: Dalila's "Amour Viens Aider" and "O Mio Fernando" from La Favorita and my teacher said I sounded like a completely different person from last year.

Want Ad Becomes an "Assignment"

As my therapist was the one who suggested that I go to those singing Meetups, and as that did not work out, we decided I needed to regroup.

Surely in a city as big as New York, there must be other people like me. The question is how to find them. So what are my demographics, really?


1. I am what I laughingly refer to as a "tweenior", meaning I am not old enough for Social Security or Medicare or any other senior discounts but I am past middle age.

2. I started the serious study of singing late (whether or not I was studying seriously or even being serious about it when I studied before, between the ages of 26 and 30, is questionable, in retrospect).

3. I have a big operatic voice. (Whether or not singing is "only" a hobby, I am not a choral-type singer with a small pleasant voice.)

4. I still have some technical "issues" to work out and believe that my best singing is still ahead of me.

5. As I am a "newbie" to all this I am hungry hungry hungry hungry to do it. I am by no means "scaling back".

6. However, as I am the age I am, I have a whole life infrastructure that can't be thrown into disarray because I'm singing.

7. I do my best if I am one of the "better" (not the best, if I'm the best I'm in the wrong place) singers in a given group, so I am not going to thrive in a group full of YAPPers and older managed singers.

8. I want to be somewhere where my singing, and my story, would be of interest to other people who have had similar experiences. I don't thrive if I feel I'm being politely ignored, either.

9. Also, if I meet peers compared to whom I am performing at a high level, they might be interested in inviting me to perform somewhere with them, and I wouldn't have to do all the inviting and all the planning.

I was thinking about posting something on the Forum but even thinking about that place makes me want to crawl under the couch.

My therapist said Craigslist but that makes me nervous. Would leave myself open to too many crazies.

Maybe I'll post something in my pseudonymous blog. I have some regular readers, some of whom do know me by my real name also. They might have some advice.

I would have posted something there first, but no one is around on Sunday and the post would get lost.

Now I'm off to sing the alto part in a Bach cantata for Reformation Sunday, which is a big Lutheran holiday.

My Recording Angel

As I mentioned in this post a friend of my mother's who is a sound engineer offered to make a recording of me singing 8 arias (4 new ones, and a do-over of 4 old ones) free of charge.

Today, when we had lunch (at an Italian restaurant in Brooklyn that's been there since I was in High School - his treat) he said he would also pay the pianist not just for the recording but for two rehearsals.

All I will have to pay is to have the CD duplicated and for packaging. There's a man at the church who did that so he can give me some advice.

So today I emailed the pianist to start making plans.

I also am pleased with how my practice session went. I worked on a Bach cantata that we are singing Sunday for Reformation Sunday (I am singing the alto part which is fine) and then tackled a piece called "in Dreams" by Earnest. That is one of those choral pieces where the soprano part is not terribly high (the way some soprano parts are in Bach) and the alto part is quite low, but then the soprano part goes up to an A flat, which of course means I have to sing it pianissimo. I worked on it today and was able to do it. I do have bad memories of strugging with similar issues in a Randall Thompson piece, which I wrote about at length here but I hope I can put those aside and just be where my technique is now.

Lastly, I went through the Kryrie from the Verdi Requiem. I think the mezzo solo part in this work suits my voice perfectly - I just need to learn it. As I am mostly an "ear learner" what I did was plunk the part until I knew it, then sing it, then plunk it and sing along while the recording was on, to hear how it fit in with the whole work. I got through it and ended up in the right place. So this is a good start. I want to be spot-on with all the solos so that if the Pastor says I can use the church next March I will be ready to roll.

Also, the coloratura in the choir (whom I will call our "prima donna"; I am definitely the "seconda donna" so I need to "try harder" LOL) is going to sing one of the soprano solos from the cantata we're doing on Reformation Sunday. (Hits self on head. Next year I will be on top of this and see if whatever we're doing has an alto solo and get my bid in early.)

Lastly, it's never too early to start thinking about Christmas Eve. I copied the mezzo solo from the Saint Saens Christmas Oratorio a while ago. It's slow and it's short so I am going to see if I can ask to sing it on Christmas Eve at communion.

Who Am I?

I am taking a break from work (which I can ill-afford) to take up this existential question, because I think this is at the root of a lot of what is making me unhappy.

I have said, truly, that I am not sorry I don't earn my living singing (although it would be nice to have "getting my makeup and hair done" in my job description not to mention being able to travel on someone else's dime), nor do I wish I had an opera engagement (even an amateur one) every month on end.

Yes, I want to keep singing better and better (which I think I am) and yes, I wish someone would invite me to join them in a concert, which would make me feel that I really am a singer, and I definitely wish I could devote 2 hours a day to working on music, but the crux of it all, I think, is really this:

If the people who flit from regional house to regional house to perform and come to to New York for auditions are singers, and the people who pay through the nose to sing with the expletive deleted orchestra that treated me like garbage and go to several auditions a month are singers, then who am I?

I spend about 30 hours a week copyediting, 10 hours a week on eldercare, and maybe 5 hours a week singing - or maybe 10 if you include choir commitments. I sing maybe 7 church solos a year and maybe one "something else". Since I sang Dalila in 2008 the "something else" has had an audience of less than 20, or an audience primarily made up of nursing home residents.

One of the reasons I went to all those auditions wasn't that I seriously thought I'd be cast in anything, but because it was an excuse to get dressed up and sing in front of people and feel special. Most people get a "no thank you" so that was not hurtful. I suppose it kept it real. I had thought going to those meetups would keep it real but it just made me realize how insignificant I really was in the scheme of things.

Now one thing I have always been, whether I sang or not, was a diva.

Now the esteemed Susan Eichhorn Young whom I quote so often, said no one can call herself a diva who hasn't earned it. So hm....

Why do I say I'm a diva? My partner's sister, with whom I have almost nothing in common (she lives in Texas and likes Glen Beck) do have in common that we know we are divas. We love big hair, big makeup, bright colored clothes, gold jewelry (she can afford it, I can't, although she did give me one or two pieces she was tired of), and red home decor.

One of the earliest pictures of me (I don't have it - at one point I tore up most of my childhood pictures because I thought I was fat and ugly) is when I was three years old and sitting at my parents' upright piano, turning my head to try to imitate a cabaret singer showing off.

This picture shows what I looked like at 18 (I only let people take neck up pictures, but I think I look pretty hot and neither my hair nor my cosmetic style is "natural")

and

this is what I looked like in the mid90s when I was a baton twirler with the Big Apple Corps Marching Band. (Why should the guys have all the great outfits?)

So there you have it.

As I said to a friend a few minutes ago, if I lived in "East Eggshell, Iowa", I could really be a diva! Being a soloist at a local church and singing an aria outside a bake sale would be enough!

A Wish List

I know I should be working, not blogging, but all this soul searching I've been doing has led to my narrowing down what it is I want. In other words, what it is I'm missing that is making me so depressed.

I know what is not possible, and those things are not on the table. I am not asking to have a "career" singing, nor am I even asking to go to an audition for a leading role on the no-pay circuit and be cast in it (life is too short for me to want to perform a comprimaria role on the no-pay circuit).

I also know that pop psych blather about "not expecting validation from other people" blah blah blah, but that's hogwash. Everyone wants validation from other people. If you go to a dance, for example, it's nice if someone asks you to dance once in a while - you shouldn't have to do all the asking. Nor should your social life consist of you doing all the inviting. You should get to be a guest (the French word invitee sounds better in this context actually) some of the time.

I think what I wanted most of all was for some of the people I bumped into, who organize concerts, to invite me to sing with them.

We can start with the man who told me about the venue where I put on my concert a few weeks ago.

When I got into an email argument with him (not to repeat here in detail, but it was about his not using singers over 42 or making it sound as if that was what he was doing) he told me about this venue, so I pursued it. Did he invite me to sing in even one of the monthly concerts he puts on? No.
And he heard me sing at an audition and I don't think I did badly. If nothing else, I know I can make people go weak-kneed when I sing Mon Coeur and if you bump and grind in a low cut dress who gives a flying fig if you end the bloody aria on an (unwritten) B flat or on an F??

Did the woman who runs the Tuesday meetup invite me to sing in (or even audition for) a concert she was putting on? No. Did she keep me on her regular email routing or ever comment on anything I'd posted on Facebook or ask how I was? No.

Did the woman who rents out the place where I gave the concert personally invite me to sing at her soiree or even make an attempt to stay in touch? No,although this bothers me less, as she did say some really nice things to me that will stay with me for a long time, and she knows hundreds of people.

Yes, I do plan to continue to organize things myself. I mean,if I'm going to end up spending a few hundred dollars I would rather spend it on singing Dalila - or the mezzo solos from the Verdi Requiem - than on buying "tickets" to sing a tiny role in an opera that requires three nights a week of rehearsal.

But it just that all this makes me feel really "unwanted".

Baby D Posts a Want Ad

Friday I was talking to my therapist about how unhappy I am that I can't seem to find a meaningful way to participate in any of these Meetups, Sing-Things, Soirees, etc.

This is for at least three reasons: I have limited time,I have limited confidence, and I have no peer group or support system, even a support system of one (meaning a family member or peer who would come with me to some of these things).

When I started going to these kinds of things, I really thought I would meet some kind of peer group there and be able to network. Did I have an overly aggrandized view of myself? Why didn't anything click? Yes, I was nervous, but to some extent so is everyone. But most of the people I saw at those things had a history, and with that history came relationships, and out of relationships came opportunities to do things together, commiserate, support each other, make plans. The problem is aside from being one of a pool of choir soloists, I don't have anything like that, so I would go to those things and feel very alone. I would feel nervous, not to mention depressed because often I would have had a fight with my partner beforehand about why I was going at all, then I would feel that I didn't sing my best, and then I would get no feedback - I don't even mean feedback about my singing, I mean feedback about my place in the whole universe of singing.

To paraphrase Soujourner Truth, all the beginners were young and all the mature people were polished (and the mature people were barely in their late 40s).

So whom did I think I would meet at one of these things? A late-starting classical singer who wanted more than just being a soloist in a amateur chorus or choir but didn't have the time to rehearse an opera four nights a week? Someone who could sing his/her way through an aria or scene well enough to please an audience but not well enough to impress the cognoscenti??

So where are these people???? Do they even exist??

One thing I miss about that horrid Unitarian church was at least when I was there they did all sorts of things besides church services - cabarets, etc., so I could get up and sing an aria and be a diva for an evening, wear something fabulous, get a lot of applause, and not overtax myself. And usually I would know about this at least two months in advance so I could prepare myself.

The church where I sing now doesn't do these sorts of things.

Up until recently, I was measuring myself against how well I could sing the material I was singing. I had no idea, really, how extremely low down the food chain I was because I didn't really fathom the mass of talented people who were doing this.


So what do I want (I mean besides wanting to be able to sing well and put on some kind of something once or twice a year.)? (My last post was about how I defined success. OK. I know that. What I'm asking myself is what kind of environment do I want that I so desperately feel I don't have?)

So here goes:

SUPERANNUATED DIVA WITH MODEST TALENT is seeking classical singers over 50 who are not "professionals", "emerging professionals", or "managed". Preferably those who started singing late, sing well enough to slog through some operatic rep without making the audience cringe but don't have the time or money to get it together to sing this sort of material in public more the two or three times a year. A love of dressing to the nines and chewing up the scenery a plus.

I cynically thought of posting something like this on the forum but even thinking about that place makes me want to crawl under the couch.

There's also something Wizard of Oz-ish about all this, too. The Wizard told the Scarecrow he didn't need a brain, he needed a degree. There's a part of me that thinks what I need isn't a voice (I've got that) or a techniqiue (I've got a lot of that and who has it all anyhow?) or ever "the noive" as the Cowardly Lion says, but someone to validate me. A buddy who says "Hey, are you going to the Meetup on ____________?" "Let's go," gives me a shove and a smile, some honest feedback, and a promise that soon we would be back again.

What is My Definition of "Success"?

As so often happens, Susan Eichhorn Young taps into an issue that is close to my heart at the moment. In this post, she asks people to think about how they define success.

In light of my recent feelings of disappointment, this was a useful exercise for me.

I think at the age and stage I am now, my definition of success would include (not all of these are possible, but they are something to aspire to):

1. To be able to sing the roles in my fach (Dalila, Carmen, Amneris, Azucena, Laura, Cilea's Principessa - I think Eboli is a lost cause so I'm not including her, and Charlotte is a maybe) in a professional sounding way, without getting tired or having notes/phrases that are touch and go.

2. To have this acknowledged by other people - teachers, coaches, peers - whether or not they want to "hire" me or "promote" me in any way.

3. To have a regular venue for performing these roles that costs me a minimal amount of money (singing them in concert is fine).

4. To have a real support system of people who check in with me, encourage me, and act as a counterbalance for all the negative input I get from my partner.

What makes me feel so frustrated is I think that some of this is achievable. I have the natural raw material (a big dramatic mezzo voice), a good teacher, I know most of these roles by heart already, and I have a big dramatic personality. I have built up my stamina enormously over the past five years and I am blessed to be extremely healthy. Other than the fact that my knee injury and surgery make me less than "nimble" onstage, and that my neck is ugly, there is really nothing else about me that looks or sounds "old".

If I didn't think I was sitting on this mountain of talent I wouldn't be so frustrated. For example I love going to the ballet but I am not a ballerina and never thought I was, despite having taken ballet classes off and on (until I had my accident). But singing is different.

So, for example, if I were in the kind of environment that allowed me to put on one of these concerts every couple of months, I would feel "you win a few, you lose a few, you learn". But I will be lucky if I get to do something like this in six months (I'm hoping to pull off this Verdi Requiem but if the pastor says I have to pay to "rent" the church it's not on).

It's also, of course, the competition. I live in the heart of Manhattan (the closest opera company to my front door is the Met) where the competition is staggering. Interestingly, even though classical music is less popular than it was 30 years ago, there seem to be more people wanting to sing opera than in the past. When I was singing with the "opera underground" as it seems to now be laughingly referred to, I didn't sing as well as I do now, but the competition was much less. My teacher says some of this competition (not so much in my fach - mostly slim, pretty, light voiced sopranos and mezzos) comes from people crossing over from musical theater. So they are pretty with good acting skills and strong middle registers (this did not used to be the case with the higher voices on the amateur circuit). True, these people aren't competing for my roles, but there are enough who are to push me down and out.

I think what bothered me the most about those meetups, etc. was feeling that I was not treated with respect. I was mostly ignored. I don't do well being ignored. Possibly that had to do with my being older than everyone. The people who needed polishing were younger. So what was anyone going to say to me? It might have been different if I had a friend or buddy to take with me to some of these things, but I don't.

So I guess I should end my list of "success" with "being taken seriously".

CD

I was not thrilled with how I sounded on the CD. Some of what sounded bad, especially on the upper notes, was the result of distortion, but not all.

I will say that overall, let's say from middle C up to the G below high C, my voice sounds bigger, rounder, and more even. I sound like a real professional operatic mezzo. But the notes above that just sound like screaming. Singing up there sounded more pleasant, say, in 2008 when I sang Dalila, on the other hand the rest of my singing was not as good. My teacher said that. He said I mostly sort of crooned, and then saved my energy for a couple of top notes, which were still not easy for me. So there has definitely been progress. If I felt things were going in the wrong direction I would get another teacher. Things are going in the right direction - the problem is they are going in the right direction so slowly, and I'm not a 21 year old conservatory student or even a 31 year old with a big dramatic voice that hasn't gotten itself together yet, I'm bloody 61!!! So the fight to improve my technique, my stamina, and my confidence is racing against what the aging process is doing to my body.

And I have so little time, not just in the long term sense, but in the day to day sense. I have to earn a living, and so much of the rest of my time is taken up with eldercare. I don't have a circle of musical/performing friends with whom I can share these activities as part of my discretionary time - I am taking care of someone elderly, which entails not just doing chores for her on the weekend but also meeting with social workers, sending emails back and forth, etc.

So aside from an 30-60 minutes a day of practice, my choir commitments and my voice lessons, anything else has to be squeezed into the nooks and crannies and it's not enough.

Two years ago I had more confidence. I went to auditions (the only one that yielded anything ended up with my spending $450 on "tickets" to sing three pages of music, which the director hated, so I walked out - I don't mean in a diva huff - I wrote to the director to say I wasn't coming back). Now I just don't see the point. I wouldn't have time to participate in an intensive rehearsal schedule even if I did get something and the likelihood of my getting anything is almost nil anyhow. I used to mostly go to auditions for the thrill of getting dressed up and singing in front of people but I just don't have the heart for it any more.


My therapist of all people suggested that I go to a "Meetup" for singers, so I went intermittently, but the people there are so much more polished and even if they aren't making money singing (and never will) they are
out there performing big roles even for a fee or no pay and they sing for agents and they all know each other and give each other encouragement. I feel like I am so far below everyone on the food chain that I don't matter, which makes it hard for me even to sing my best, and it becomes a downward spiral.

The woman who rented me the space to do the concert and who was so encouraging and complimentary is having soirees and hosting master classes, but I just don't have the heart to go to any of them. I feel I will have to argue with my partner about taking the time and spending the (minimal amount of) money, that I will feel like a worm because I don't sound as polished as most of the other people and don't have a future in which to become much moreso.

Well, I sang well at my lesson and overall feel I am singing better than I was several months ago.

So I will look forward to making my CD.

Letdown

Well, it was bound to happen - the post-performance letdown. And I wasn't even all that ecstatic about the performance (the soprano I sang with made a CD and sent it to my teacher, so I can hear some of it Thursday at my lesson, I guess).

The lovely woman who runs the studio (and who has dedicated her life to helping singers) has now set up several "soirees" where people can get up and sing. It's funny. Two years ago I would have jumped at the opportunity to do something like that but now I just feel intimidated from all sides. I get no support at home (my partner was amazingly supportive of the concert as the day drew near, but she will think "enough is enough") and the people who would be there with me would make me feel like wallpaper. That's what happened when I went to those meetups. People were polite but kept their distance. I simply didn't interest them and that was obvious. And I'm not even talking about attracting the interest of a manager. I'm talking about being taken seriously. So then there would be a negative feedback loop and I would be nervous and/or depressed and wouldn't sing well.

In addition to these soirees this woman plans to sponsor master classes and when they're over, to give a concert and invite managers. Well, no manager is going to be interested in me - I would just be taking up space that could better go to someone else.

It's just all so disheartening.

So I need to focus on the positive. I am going to have a CD made at no charge by my mother's sound engineer friend. He is taking me to lunch at the end of the month and we can make a plan. Arias I plan to record are:

Do over

O Mio Fernando (La Favorita)
Stella del Marinar (Laura's aria from La Gioconda)
Liber Scriptus (Verdi Requiem)
Amour Viens Aider (Samson et Dalila)


New

Fenena's aria from Nabucco
Acerba Volutta (Adriana Lecouvreur)
O Ma Lyre (Gounod's Sappho)
Mon Coeur (for my friend from adolescence who encouraged me to do this in the first place)

And I need to start learning the Requiem

The choir director seemed to think I would need to "rent" the church to put this on but said I should ask the Pastor. She came to my concert and seems to like my singing, so she may let me use the church if I put the concert on during Lent and give the ticket takings to whatever charity she would like.

Tuesday Morning Quarterbacking, with Help from Susan and Others

Well, after sleeping on it for several days, I feel better about the concert. Neither my teacher nor the soprano I sang with said I sang well, because they both heard me sing better.

But the audience liked it, and I communicated something to the audience about these characters. The biggest compliment I got was from the woman who rents out the studio, herself a dramatic mezzo, who has sung Azucena. She told me that for those moments I was Azucena.

As with so many things, nobody says it better than Susan Eichhorn Young.

Great singers have flaws. Callas had them, God knows. I love Maria Guleghina and I am bored witless by Dawn Upshaw. I mean of course as with all artists I respect her artistry, but I am not moved by the pretty, well-schooled voice.

People laugh at someone like Paul Potts, but in the 1940s or 1950s, that is who big agents would have been chasing and trying to polish, not a cookie cutter cookie from a conservatory with perfect pitch who can play several instruments and sightread obscure contemporary music, all with no passion.

My voice has a lot of flaws. Is that because I started studying so late (even 26, when I began studying seriously the first time, is "late")? Is it because I drank until I was 25 and smoked until I was 26? Is it because I am impetuous and passionate rather than scholarly? (I can throw myself into the study of a role or a piece of sacred music - even a piece of choral music - but I can't bring myself to crack the solfege book and if you ask me what key I'm singing in I have no idea.)

I don't want my voice to have flaws, and I have worked hard on my technique (if I hadn't minded my ps and qs every second at the concert, I wouldn't have even sounded as good as I did)and have reined in my passion but I will never have a perfect scale, like a string of pearls, with every note the same size.

God knows I have lived. The relationship I've had with my partner over three decades could rival the plot of every opera not to mention the high drama that was unleashed by my relationship with The Mentor.

So now I will put the Trovatore score away for a while and get back to some arias I haven't sung for a while, for my recording.

It's Over

So the concert is over. I didn't sing as well as I would have liked. The B flat in "Condotta" was fine but the room was so dry that I found singing very effortful. Then of course I got nervous and my breathing got off. I had trouble with the A in the big run in the duet although I saved myself at the end.

I thought the intermission break would do me good (I had a cough drop and some water) but again it was so dry I felt like my throat was closing up and I didn't do well with the first A flat in the Aida duet although I finished the piece off with a bang.

And I think I did an excellent acting job and everything went pretty smoothly musically give or take once or twice when we were not together with the pianist.

Both my teacher and the soprano said they had heard me sing it better but neither made me feel I had sung it badly, so that was good, and the soprano said she would be interested in singing with me again, so I asked her if she knew the soprano part to the Verdi Requiem and she said she did and she might be interested.

My choir director and the pastor from my church came. I was quite surprised that the pastor came because she hadn't RSVP'd one way or another. They both seemed to really like it and I know the choir director has very high standards. The elderly violinist also came. They all said how big my voice is and that they wish they could hear me in a big house, which was flattering. And a few friends came.

I feel sort of numb. Not pleased enough with it to be euphoric, but not devastated either.

I will know more when I hear the tape my teacher made, if it comes out.

So now I have family business to take care of, and plans for the CD I want to make, with the help of my "angel".

And now I have to go to bed because I have to be at church at 8:30. Not a problem as we are singing something simple.

Rehearsal 2

This went very well. If I can sing everything as well on Saturday I will be happy.

We sang the program in sequence, and I did not get tired. I found that moving around during the difficult ending to "Condotta" helped and I had no trouble with the B flat at all. I did not have a big adrenaline drain (nailed all the high notes in the duet) but I had a small one and messed up the recit right after "Condotta". Playing the scene in character helps also. I drank a carton of Muscle Milk during the concert. I won't be able to take a chug in the middle of the Trovatore scene but I can certainly have some during the intermission.

Speaking of food and drink, I have been making an effort to abstain from most starchy foods (only exceptions are mocha coffee, a little dark chocolate, whatever sweetener is in Greek yoghurt, whole grain crackers, and whole grain cereal). I find that I feel much less tired and even lost the 2 or 3 extra pounds I'd picked up. I really don't want to focus on my weight, as that was always something that undermined my singing, but I really really like feeling less tired. Just not having rice or potatoes with a hot meal seems to give me more energy. I can eat stuff like that on the weekends when I stay with my partner.

One interesting thing is I did have a huge adrenaline/blood sugar drop after the rehearsal. First I forgot my jacket and had to go back and get it (not surprising as I hadn't worn a jacket for over a month) and then - this was much worse - I almost tripped over something metal on the curb. This is really scary. I stumbled on the pavement and fractured my kneecap in 2004 (which required surgery) and am very frightened of cracks in the pavement.

My partner says she will try to come. If she does, fine, if not, not. I think some people from the church will come and one or two personal friends. If there are 30 people this will pay for itself.

The other singers are very good and very nice.

So tomorrow is stay home and be quiet day. I'm lucky that I do something quiet for a living. So I can get a lot of work for pay done. My teacher said to do vocalizing for about 15 minutes and that's it. I really don't have anyone to talk to. I pray that my partner doesn't have a crisis of some kind. She seems to be recovering from this respiratory "thing" she's had.

Then Saturday is the big day. After that scare of almost falling I will have to decide how to get there. The simplest thing is to walk. It's really only about 7 blocks away. I will just need to look down. At least the place where I almost tripped was north of where I'm going, so I won't have to be at that curb.

Please wish me luck everyone! I have been working on this for six months and I feel I really made a breakthrough with it, and want to do it proud!

Rehearsal 1

Overall, today's rehearsal went well. We are talking about a soprano who can sing anything from Lucia to Brunnhilde who never gets tired and a tenor who has sung several of these Verdi roles in their entirety onstage. So I held my own. I am sounding just about the best I have ever sounded. Things seem to be coming together thanks to - what? My keeping my body in terrific shape, keeping my ribcage inflated, doing the exercises on vvv. The latter really seems to keep my high notes functioning. I had no problem at all with the B flat in "Condotta". The one place I fell flat was in the duet, on that long showy run that some mezzo stick a high C into (actually it's written in the score but most mezzos just sing an A). In any event that has always been a walk in the park for me but this time for some reason I conked out and could barely get up there - to the A obviously. As a C is the highest note I've ever been able to make any sound on I'm not singing one in public any time soon. I recouped myself and finished off the duet with the two high As and it sounded fine, but still, that was a scare. However I need to mention that as the tenor came late (he had told me he would, so it was ok) the soprano and I did the Aida duet first. Then I did the beginning of "Condotta" (not the part with the high notes) and actually I sang that section of the duet "Perigliarti ancor" that had the aforementioned run in it before the tenor got there and it sounded great.

I drank a whole carton of muscle milk during the rehearsal. This whole thing is going to be informal so I can certainly chug some during the performance, and my teacher told me if I sing things in sequence (the Trovatore scene is in the first half and the Aida duet, which is much easier for me, is in the second half) I won't get tired.

Of course there were moments when I felt out of my depth when the two other singers were chatting about all their stage experience, but that is not what I need to focus on. I need to focus on doing my personal best with this.

So let's just pray that I can stay at this new level and that the next rehearsal and the performance go well!

You Can't Keep a Good Mezzo Down

I feel somewhat quilty sharing good news today (I am sad beyond belief over the killing of Troy Davis) but today is a new day, and as our wonderful choir director said at the end of last night's rehearsal "let us thank God for another day of life", so let me say that I am thrilled to announce that

WE HAVE A TENOR

My teacher and his wife found someone who has sung Manrico and Radames, and who knows Otello (and can probably sing the "Libiamo" from Traviata). Also, he has his own business so he can come to afternoon rehearsals.

I am a little nervous because the bars in "Condotta" that include the dreaded high B flat are something I sing together with the tenor, and my teacher, knowing how nervous I was, had a plan all mapped out, but actually, that has been going better, so I should just trust to God and technique and the spirit of the moment.

So now I'm off to get my hair done.

Update on Voice Teacher

I spoke to my teacher on the phone about an hour ago and he sounded like himself. If I hadn't known he had had surgery last night I wouldn't have known anything was wrong.

He said they told him he would have to "take it easy" for several months (which I guess means no heavy singing) but he can go back to teaching next week. He says he plans to come to the concert.

He and his wife are chasing down a tenor who knows the entire rep. He is not a "professional" and therefore would not expect to get paid. He is a high level avocational singer who has sung Manrico and Radames. If he hasn't sung Otello he and the soprano can substitute something else. (I think they know each other.)

If that doesn't work I will call the woman who rents out the concert venue to see if she knows a tenor. I mean the city is crawling with people who are dying to get up in front of an audience and sing opera.

I really hope we can find a tenor because then I can do the Trovatore scene that I've worked so hard on for so many months. If not, maybe the soprano and I can sing the Gioconda duet and I can sing another aria, and I can bring the bass in to sing the "Judgment Scene" with me (and he can sing something).

I just really don't want this concert to go belly up.

Another piece of good news is that Yahoo was true to its word and after 11 this morning I was able to access my account by answering the security question, which apparently was "what city was my mother born in"? But I think I want to keep Gmail as my primary account as it is much more user friendly.

I am now totally drained emotionally and didn't get enough sleep -for me. I need 8 hours. I did get a lot of work done, though, and plan to work for another 3 hours before I have to get ready to go to choir practice. Fortunately I don't think I have to sing anything with high notes tonight.

A Spanner in the Works

Yesterday was a day from Hell.

Somehow my Yahoo email became corrupted. (Long story short, as a result of all the problems with the mail site, I asked for a new password, which got sent to my old office email which doesn't exist any more, and now am locked out. There's still hope that I can get back in after 11 if I can answer a security question but as I made that up 7 years ago who knows? I should have stuck with my mother's maiden name, although the correct terms these days is "birth name". Still, it's something I'm not likely to forget.)

So I had to scramble around looking for printouts that had email addresses of my business contacts so that I could alert them not to write to me at that email address (I now have a new gmail address and I still have the Yahoo address I used for my pseudonymous blog) but there was one I couldn't find, for a new client, who used to be a former (and formidable) boss, so I will need to suss that out and get back to her. Fortunately, I am an old fashioned girl and I had most of the email addresses of personal friends in my little pink 3 x 4 address book that I carry in my purse, so I could write to them.

In a way, starting fresh with a new email account is nice in that it means I won't be getting endless emails from Land's End and Victoria's Secret and various web sites I signed up for when I was job hunting, but I still want to see who wrote to me over the past few days so that I can give them my new address.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I got a call from my teacher's wife saying that the "food poisoning" he thought he had, that had led him to cancel my lesson yesterday, was an attack of appendicitis and that even as we were speaking he was having surgery.

First and foremost, I want everyone to send prayers for his speedy recovery. One usually thinks of appendicitis as something that young people get. I have rarely heard of a 60-year-old having appendicitis. Now I have no idea if this concert will go forward. His wife knows two tenors whom she is going to call and I will try contacting the woman who runs the studio where the concert is supposed to be.

I don't know if I would have to pay for the studio rental if the concert is postponed.

I just feel so bad, all around. I am trying to keep the focus on the most important thing being that my teacher recovers (what would I do without him? I have studied with him for two extended periods over a span of three decades and he is also a friend). My selfish need to sing this concert is secondary.

Rather ironically, yesterday evening I did my best runthrough of "Condotta" to date, high B flat and all.

I still have the recording to make, but that's not the same as getting dressed up and singing in front of people live.

Well, it's all just one day at a time. After 11 I will check my email and then I will see what's happening on the tenor front.

Needless to say I didn't sleep well last night.

An Angel

I've always felt that one thing I lacked was frequent, high level, recordings of my singing.

As with photos, the issue is, of course, the cost. And as I only work part-time, and singing is "only" a hobby an obsession, I feel guilty about every penny I spend and feel that those I do spend have to go to lessons, coachings, music, CDs, and so forth.

The last Christmas my mother was alive, she paid a friend of hers who is a sound engineer to record four arias for me. He came to my coach's studio and set up his equipment. I recorded "O Mio Fernando" from La Favorita, Laura's aria from La Gioconda (that's the best one, and it's what I have here as my profile sound clip), Dalila's "Amour Viens Aider" which I do not like at all now, and "Liber Scriptus" from the Verdi Requiem, which I used to like, but which now sounds harsh and bare, not to mention that with my 60 year old eyesight I misread the phrase "nil inultum" as "nilli nullum", which is what I sang.

Well, in my current impecunious state I had given up all hope of ever making another recording, but then a woman I had been friends with as a teenager, whom I reconnected with on Facebook, said she wanted a recording of me singing "Mon Coeur" and offered to pay something toward the cost. So I emailed the sound engineer and asked what he would charge to record several new arias (my goal would have been to put them on a CD with the others to sell at the church). Well, he told me that he would not charge me anything!!! not only for recording new material, but that he wanted to re-record the old material because he now had better equipment!. He said partly he is doing this because he just inherited money and feels there is no need to charge me. That in and of itself has restored my faith in humanity.

So I am now going to get 8 arias recorded.

This will be my next project after the concert.

I am so excited!

I will have the CD, and new mp3 files, and then I can make copies of the CD and get someone to tell me now to design an insert for it with a picture, etc. and sell it at the church!

So now I just have to sing the concert first!

Countdown Continues

I haven't posted anything for a while, so I suppose I'm due for something. I have been very busy with work for pay, and endless conversations with and emails to social service providers about my partner, and, of course, have been working hard on my concert rep.

I am very very happy with all of it and the B flat is getting easier. I have tried all sorts of things - an octave jump, for one, which worked in Samson et Dalila but didn't seem to work here (I think my voice is much bigger now) and then back to the scoop on the A. Really all I have to do is get my body in the setup position (with my larynx down) while the tenor is singing his "Quale Orror" and I've got it. I sang through the whole aria this afternoon and it went very well.

And I need to continue my "in training" regime of high protein low carb, 8 hours of sleep a night, and minimal talking, particularly minimal talking with a tight throat. When I'm agitated, I sound like an aggravated New Yorker (not a "New Yawka" - thank goodness I don't have that kind of accent) but like someone who's always in a hurry and talks fast and loud down on my chords. So the less I talk the better, if I want to sing well. And I've been doing the exercises of singing arpeggios on a V with no vowel. That places my voice farther forward and gives it a buzz.

So I have the week pretty well mapped out.

Monday the 26th is the first rehearsal with the pianist.
Tuesday the 27th I have my regular lesson at 4.
Wednesday the 28th I am taking off (not going to choir rehearsal - I sing differently in a choral setting and need to stay on message that week)
Thursday the 29th is the second rehearsal with the pianist.
Friday the 30th I am home taking a vow of silence.

I had a bit of a scare a few days ago when the pianist I had originally thought we were using had a family emergency, but he found a replacement who knows the rep and is available for the time slots.

The other new wrinkle is my partner says she thinks she "should" come even though she hates the Trovatore scene. I said that was fine and that I would give her money to take a cab. She said no she could take the bus. In any event, if I think she's coming I will be careful to wear something that does not show cleavage because, like so many Lesbians of her mindset, she is incredibly puritannical (I call her the "cleavage police").

Having her there is likely to make me nervous on the other hand I can ignore her and focus on my teacher who is a good anchor. Things I can expect to hear from my partner are that she hated the music, my upper register sounds screamy (she just doesn't like high singing even when I know it sounds good) that I look nervous (which makes me feel more nervous) and whatever I am wearing she will say it looks awful.

Maybe in my next reincarnation I can be married to a mentor of some kind?